- Member Since 29th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 4th, 2013
PrincessV1
I love all stores of any kind! doesn't matter just giving people things to need!
PrincessV1
Joined 29th Oct, 2012 ·
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But why not?
They're gonna point out the typos and give you thumbs down if they don't. I gave you thumbs up just to piss the others off. *trollface* I'm such an a-hole sometimes.
And if you did clop to it, it's okay, it's not something bad. We have a naturally desire to be pleased.
O nd I jst gt dun reeding it nd i luvd it
tak dos harts
Fix it and ill be back!
1529245
umm thank you! ^^' first clop fic X3
just cuz I dont want a whole bunch of bronies telling me practically every sentence is wrong XD
1529953
Oh great, now I'm crying. Um...could you check out my clopfics? If you don't mind I mean...
*gasp* And you did better than me! I'm jelly!
of course not! ^^ btw this is the first I have ever written i hope its not bad DX
3 stallions fucking each other EHHH NOO thats disgusting also OMFG all these damn spelling errors
So, wait. Let's examine:
"I hope it's not bad"
"Don't want a whole bunch of bronies telling me practically every sentence is wrong."
One of these things is not like the others....
Erm... don't you want to get better... and learning through your mistakes is a good way to make sure you don't make them again.
Anyhow will comment after reading.
1529959
So, basically you didn't put any effort into cleaning up your story, yet you expect us to ignore the fruits of your laziness?
Interesting that you couldn't be bothered to spend a few minutes running this through a spellchecker. Or, you know, reading your story to yourself once you have finished writing it, so you can EDIT it a bit...
Thumbs down for laziness.
Oh, you don't want your spelling mistakes pointed out? Weeeell....
I'll be sure not to point out any spelling mistakes in this little review.
Let's Review: When Rarity is alone!
Decriptions, descriptions... tell me, what is wrong with this one?
So let's begin. 'alot' is not a word. Never has been. The closest it's had to defining something... well, it would be this thing:
4.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/S8TRIo4br3I/AAAAAAAACv4/Zh7_GcMlRKo/s400/ALOT.png
Yup, that's an alot. What this unfortunate creature has to do with Rarity, I have no idea, and I'm not sure I want to know, thanks. Secondly, 'a lot of series of unfortunate events'? That's awkward as all hell, and makes me wonder if you actually understand English grammar rules. One series of unfortunate events is enough, methinks. It's an awkward turn of phrase for that kind of sentence anyway, and it seems almost like you're throwing it in because it was the title of a series of books. Ponyville is the name of a place, and should be capitalised.
'not be sucked into'? Awkward, again. 'avoid being sucked into', might be more appropriate. Maybe something like:
It's far from perfect, but at least it isn't riddled with Engrish and silly mistakes, both of which are a massive red light to anyone who sees your description. Your current description is basically a 'don't read this, I suck at writing' sign you've hung over your fic. Combined with the bracketed bit about typos and such (which is like adding an air raid siren to the above signpost), it's an enormous warning to anyone expecting a decent fic. I haven't read the fic yet, but this description would honestly be enough to put me off looking at it. Bring on the fic!
Eurgh... you weren't kidding about the typos. Tell me, did you bother to use a simple spellcheck program, like the one built into google docs, or openoffice? Mmmh... no, I think not. 'yound'? 'Eguestria'? These mistakes are egregiously bad, not to mention practically ubiquitous. How the fuck did you screw things up so bad? Sorry... 'Eguestria'. Seriously. Is English a second language to you, or are you just lazy?
Secondly, capitalisation. You use caps really strangely, and it's utterly wrong, yet completely inconsistent. You capitalise words in the middle of sentences with no rhyme or reason. 'eye blinder' goes to 'Blind Fold' for no apparent reason. 'Romped' is capitalised, again, for no apparent reason. These are not proper nouns, nor are they at the beginning of sentences. They're not ROYAL CANTERLOCK VOICE, either. Why?
troll.me/images/ancient-aliens-guy/because-aliens.jpg
Dialogue. New paragraph for every change of speaker. I was taught this in year three, at primary school. I was fucking eight years old. You can do it too. 'Rarity said gasping.' awkward use of English, again. People don't say stuff while gasping. She should probably gasp before saying her line. This general problem is compounded by the next.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/29272571.jpg
Apparently not. Oh, I saw one or two in dialogue, but for the most part, they're just not there. This leads to the dreaded 'robot narrator' syndrome, where the narrative takes on a droning, toneless quality since the narrator never pauses for emphasis, or to split up clauses. It sounds like it's being narrated by a cyberman, which is definitely not the tone you want for clopfic. A cure for this is to read your writing aloud, as you will either read this in a monotone, or automatically insert pauses subconsciously. Wherever you paused, you probably need a comma.
Sentence structure is also off. And by off, I mean simple. Reeeeallly simple. Like, always beginning with the subject of the sentence. Mostly, this is 'She' or 'Rarity', but in some cases 'the unicorn' or even 'the vibrator'... it's really, really boring. It adds another layer of tonelessness, if that is possible. Again, this is a primary school issue. Mix up your sentence structure, or you end up with a story that is roughly 40% 'she said/did X', like this one. Look up a guide, there are plenty a Google search away. Paragraphing is whacked out, yo. It's like instead of the traditional badfic Wall o' Text issues, you went for chest-high walls instead. It's like half-bricks being thrown at the reader, and for the most part, they're probably going to skim. Break things up a bit, and insert new paragraphs for each change of speaker in dialogue.
Now, as far as I've got... Rarity masturbates, with Sweetie in the house. It's not erotic, because of the above issues with spelling, grammar, and general grasp of language. Why is she masturbating loudly near fillies? Because aliens. So, we see Rarity's mother, who up until this point was somewhere in the aether. Why is Rarity suddenly living with her parents? Because aliens. She goes out, and is shanghaied into a stage performance, where she is propositioned and basically raped on stage. Why is this happening? I don't know... because aliens? Actually, that's becoming more and more plausible by the second. Aliens have bodysnatched half of Ponyville, replacing them with sex crazed (and barely literate) doppelgangers. Rarity is an alien. Orgy ensues. Makes more sense than this.
The clop itself is your standard unerotic, mechanical horse sex, the kind which is ubiquitous in badfics. There's no emotion to it, no thoughts or feelings. Just 'insert tab A into slot B. Repeat as necessary'. In case you didn't know, this makes for really boring clop. There's literally no point to it. If I wanted mechanics, I'd go watch porn! But I'm here, on fimfiction, and this is crap. You need to emphasise her feelings and such, probably how it makes her feel dirty and common, in order for the roleplay aspect to work at all. She likes to seem high-class. Think about it. I read on, and it's basically more of the same. Photo Finish, Big Mac, trees, diamond dogs... it's all the same. Barely coherent English, barely interesting clop... nonsensical plot.
Verdict?
media.moddb.com/cache/images/members/1/109/108781/thumb_620x2000/exterminatus.jpg
~Lord Sunder, TWE's Lurking Madman
1529245
4.bp.blogspot.com/-vi-GuWQpzmk/UCafZ_1HdeI/AAAAAAAAETM/dePecRnbDs4/s1600/Spiderman-that-post-gave-me-cancer.jpg
1532991
>capitalise
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/eenope.png
IT'S TIME TO ENTER THE MAGICAL LAND OF REVIEWING! WHEEEEE!
Alroight, here I go. First of all, the title needs to have "alone" capitalized.
Now, onto the descrip-
Wait a second...
Yeah, it's not a word, unless you consider the non-existent creature noted by Lord Sunder above me a real word. If so, then it's wrong either way.
Missing a few capitals and a few grammar marks in there, also.
Now, onto the stor-
You appear to have random, strange, erotic clop for absolutely no reason. It is not at all interesting, and it just seems like a machine doing its job as told.
You make many, many mistakes in grammar and spelling mistakes. Ever heard of a spellcheck program? Yeah, use that. It's useful.
Also, create new paragraphs when someone new speaks. It gets annoying to see giant walls of text.
This is a very small review for a reason. Go look at Lord Sunder's post above me for some better tips; he goes much more in-depth, and I'm just scraping the bottom.
Well, that was a moderate review from me.
Hopefully you'll get better by taking these tips!
GOLDENEAGLE159 OUT!
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/298/f/b/this_just_got_signed_by_goldeneagle159__by_goldeneagle159-d5iye41.jpg
Yeah, I got nothing to add here.
Lord Sunder and GoldenEagle159 have said all that needs to be said.
1532991
That may be my favorite comment I've ever seen on this site.
1534010
.
Thank ya kindly
1533086
Only cancer? No Diabetes? Or HIV?
1530877
Your spelling errors had no effect on me. I love when everypony makes spelling errors, then I can see how good I am at decrypting what they said. It's tons of fun for me. Maybe you should start being a jerk and screw up spelling on just about every word on purpose. I would absolutely LOVE to see how pissed the readers get. Oh, here's more hearts.
1534109
bbsimg.ngfiles.com/13/24189000/ngbbs503e1c2f49d31.jpg
1534181
I know. I'm a bad boy. I need punished. NO LUNA NOT WITH THE WHIP! That's tonight. Get the paddle for this session. Be back soon, I LOVE bondage, don't you?
1534091 I already have diabetes.
No, I'm serious.
Also, I may or may not have HIV.
1534010
;_;
1532991 I believe they call that the equivalent of a headshot in the TWE reviewing world. Good show kind sir.
1533086 well, that was a really shitty varient of the review you replied to.
1535439 >varient
Also
;_;
1534091 It also gave me depression, if that makes you feel better.
1535442 the crying rainbow smash (HULK) you got there makes that reply all the better.
1535417
Have sex with Pinkie, you'll get them.
1535446
Hope this makes you happier
1535673
mysteriousuniverse.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/challenge-accepted-300x244.png
1535725
Just kidding, she doesn't have HIV.
Ask Princess Molestia, I'm sure she has them by now...
1537754
No offense, but you're on the internet. If you ask people not to do things, then what do you think is going to happen? Exactly that.
And 'hate' is such a strong word. I didn't see any comment where the word 'hate' is used, save by yourself. People don't 'hate' you for this fic. They were trying to help you making it better. Know the difference.
Also, looking at some comments and a few thumbs up, there are a few people who actually liked the fic. So saying this:
is quite uncalled for.
Everyone has a life. Though I fail to see how that has anything to do with applying correct spelling and grammar.
For the record, I haven't read the story, nor am I going to. I'm just browsing through the comments after I saw the description, to see if people ignored your request and corrected anyway, and you reacting in the way I thought you were going to react as a result. Nobody failed to deliver.
Good day.
1537754
Dude, babe, whatever you are... I'm not a brony, and I certainly don't hate you. I think you're lazy, and you don't respect us enough to check your own work, but that's not enough to make me hate you. You asked people not to point out spelling errors, then posted something so utterly broken as to be almost unreadable. Of course people are going to call you on it! If it was a few small ones, or homophone issues, fine, I'm used to those. But this is egregiously poor. Note, at no point in my review did I insult you (well, if you count the pulp fiction reference, once). Your story, yes, but not you. So you turning around and spouting this passive-aggressive bullshit to people who (ultimately) want to help, if in a somewhat cynical way, implies a lack of maturity on your part. Spellchecking requires one to not have a life? How fucking lazy are you, that taking the time to copy-paste this dreck into Openoffice to look at all the pretty red lines would eat up your social life?
~Lord Sunder, TWE's Lurking Madman
1532991 <-- I love this comment
1601993
Thank'ee kindly
1602434
1529061 Dude(assuming ur a guy) it's not a-hole, its ass-hole.
LOL
1710192
Okay,
EDIT: asshole
1712901 ... Is that a reply, or are you calling me an ass-hole?
1735262
Both
1738083 To put it simply, fuck you.
1740002
*trollface*
1740029 OH SHIT HERE CUMS* MOLESTIA¡
HIDE!
1741504 I wub Molly!
1744232 SHIT JUSTT HIT DA FAN!!!!!!¡
1527120
Cocaine is a hell of a drug, my friend.
Wanna know why we thumbs down this? Because you see you have mistakes but you don't fix them. That's basically saying you don't take pride in your work and don't want it to be the best it can be.When we point out errors it's us trying to help you by letting you know whats wrong so you can fix it but when we do this and you don't fix it it's like throwing our help back in our faces.