Short Summary (WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS)
This dream is about how I had a great life, I was popular, my grades were high and I had a loving family. Then everything begins to turn on me.
Beep. Beep. Beep. It was that time again, the time nobody wants to get up at: 6:00. Beep. Beep. Beep. I grabbed a book off the floor and threw it at the alarm clock in an attempt to make my alarm clock shut up. Unfortunately, that was a useless move and it seemed that I would have to leave the warmth and comfort of my bed to turn it off. I dragged my myself out and pressed the button on the alarm clock. While putting my clock on the other side of the room got me out of my bed, I was a lazy ass so it always felt like so much effort each morning.
I grabbed my goggles and headed downstairs to get my breakfast. I was greeted by the same faces as each day, my dad, Star Catcher who was training to be a Wonderbolt and my delusional mum, Dream Catcher, who thinks she is an alicorn princess but in reality she's an ordinary pegasus who used to work at a mental hospital. My younger sister, Stardust the fashionista type, was running around like the nutcase was and Nightsong, who was a vocalist in a rock band, was still asleep because she graduated last year and didn't have to get up.
"Hey dad, how come I'm not falling through the cloud? I'm an earth pony and Nightsong is a unicorn and it just doesn't make sense!" Stardust was always the questioning type. Always needed more answers to silly little questions. It could just be the fact that seven year olds are curious but you never know.
"Because you were born from pegasi so you have the ability to walk on clouds but you don't have wings so you can't fly like us." Stardust was content with that answer and happily trotted away. It was pretty much the same as any other day. Looked like I was in for another boring day at Cloudsdale Flight Academy.
"Don't forget your lunch, Thunder! I won't be able to bring it in, I have flight training today!"
"It's in my bag!" I trotted out the door and took flight. I loved flying to school in the morning, the feel of the wind in my mane, the height, its always amazed me. I was one of the best flyers and one of the popular kids. Luckily only my closest friends knew about my mother's condition.
The familiar silver gates to the Academy came into view as I approached it. I turned down as I prepared to land. When I entered I was greeted by Storm Twirl and Cloud Dasher, my two best friends. Cloud Dasher had a hunter green coat and a silver mane. His cutie mark is two crossed feathers and his eyes are grayish-blue. He's always been a prankster and and a fast flier but he's always willing to lend a hoof. Storm Twirl was dark purple with a periwinkle mane. Her cutie mark was a crescent moon and two stars next to it and her eyes are lilac. She's the most trustworthy pony I know and is joint captain of the school flight team with me. I'm the lazier of the two of us, no matter how early I get up, she's always awake before me!
"Hey Thunderheart!" Storm Twirl was always cheerful no matter what, she got dumped the other day and walked away grinning!
"Morning Storm," I was the filly everyone was after but everypony always got rejected. I had a crush on the one pony who was so close to me that he just saw it as friendship and was blind to my feelings for him.
"'Sup Thunder," I couldn't help but smile whenever Cloud Dasher spoke, he was just so perfect in every way.
"Nothing much, you?" He thought for a minute before speaking.
"Nope, I got nothing." We walked to first class together, the one we thought was pointless and boring: The Daily Safety Warning.
"So now that we've all been reminded of all the safety precautions, we can start another great day of flying!" We all said goodbye to Coach Chase in unision and headed to options. I had picked Sonic Moves at the start of the year which was a new subject taught by Coach Dash, an ex-Wonderbolt. It was my favorite class. Only the top fliers could pick this subject as an option. Coach Dash was tough but if you were one of her favorites she would easily be the best teacher.
"Hey guys, today you're going to be attempting to find your own sonic move! As you know mine is the sonic rainboom," She flew up until we couldn't see her and then came racing down at a super sonic speed causing a large ring of spectra to explode behind her and a deafening crack. She then landed flawlessly in front of the class. A huge round of applause followed soon after. "As easy as I make it look, awesome sonic moves are extremely hard. When it feels like you're about to be torn apart limb by limb, you need to push even harder. Don't be put down if you don't get it on the first try, I expect it should take you at least 3 lessons to even make the vapor cone that you have to break."
I was excited, at last, I would finally get my own signature move! My dad would be so proud of me, maybe he'd even let me come to one of his training sessions!
"Alright, Thunderheart, you first." I leapt into the sky on command and began rising up and up and up. I looked to the side and noticed that Coach Dash was following me. "You can stop here and go down now." I nodded and began my descent. There was a purple trail starting to form behind me as I got faster and faster. I was a red and purple blur now. My wings begged for a rest and the strain on my body was unbelievable. A wispy cone was appearing around me which reassured me that I was still making progress. Then I made the mistake of looking behind me. I was suddenly thrown back as I lost my focus. I felt impact with something soft and cold that tickled my body. A worried cry was the last thing I heard as I succumbed to unconsciousness.
I love hearing dreams. I can't wait to hear more about this one!
Adler approves of this written fic
Also added to favorites.....
1511645 Pt2 is in progress
1511689 I appreciate your approval. Thanks for the fave
Pretty interesting, grammar and punctuation could be improved, but nothing too major. I'll watch this, good start!
sounds intressting ^^, I'll keep following this story.
1511948 I'm still in education so I'm still learning Thank you for pointing that out, I'll go through and check it. (Also, I'm British and my computer thinks its American so I'm just very confused)
1511964 Thank you! I've always thought there was no point in dreams so I figured I'd use them in a story
Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to give me feedback! I'm amazed at how well this went down, it's had the best outcome out of all of my stories yet
1514742
It is a great story! I seriously wish I could even remember my dreams
inside dreams
inside dreams
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1515191 Hahaha!
Guys, I'm going to change my username to Peppermint Cream. Just thought I'd say that here cause nobody reads my blog posts
OtterMatt here. You put up the TWE signal, and I come a'runnin'! Anyway, I haven't pulled out my sidekick in a while, so I'll let it get some air this time.
COME FIRE, COME WIND, COME BADFIC CHECKLIST™!!!
Potential Badfic Checklist™ (v2.3)
By OtterMatt
Pre-read
Picture of an OC in General Zoi's ponymaker or MSPaint
Nonsense salad of genre tagsSynopsis that is too long or explains the plot
Summary is full of gramatical errors
Appeal for kindness or first fic excuse
Drawing attention to the writing rather than the story
Multiple chapters under 900 words
In-story
Atrocious grammar
Absent spelling
Boring sentence construction
Wanton cruelty to the common comma
Main character who makes me want to shoot him
Plot that has no business being set in Equestria
Wall-o-text syndrome
Insta-kills
Use of an unjustified alicorn
Unoriginal Human/Brony-in-Equestria
Author insert or wish-fulfilment story
Canon ponies acting wildly out of character
Black-Hole Sue Syndrome
Rating: 3.5/5 Pinkies
Verdict:
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Some ending thoughts...
Allright, I dinged you on Sentence Construction and Comma Usage. That might seem harsh, but trust me, those are the two hardest things for new writers to learn, and usually the last they get to. What that says to me is that you're well on your way to being a good writer. I'll elaborate on ways this could be stronger.
First off, your sentence structure. My main problem is the fact that all of your sentences are either very short, not compounded, or both. This is good on average, but when you use that constantly, the story can start to sound choppy or rushed. One thing to keep in mind is that the way you write out sentences changes the way a scene is read. Short sentences make a scene go faster, longer ones can draw out a moment.
This is a great place to start. Your opening is a longer, compounded sentence (and missing a comma, but I'll get to that later), followed by two very short, simple ones. Reading it, RD's flight is action-oriented, needing fast verbs and short sentences. When she lands, the action slows and the reactions aren't so active. I'll try to show you what I'm talking about.
The difference is subtle, but it can have an effect.
Secondly, commas. This is really your main problem from a technical standpoint, and it definitely was mine as well when I got started.
1) Commas used as breaks/rests
A commas denotes a short breath, essentially. Use one where you would normally insert a slight pause when speaking out loud.
...should be written as:
Read your lines out loud, and take note of where you insert pauses in your natural speech.
2) Commas used in dialogue
The rules of grammar state that a comma comes at the end of dialogue IF you're continuing the sentence afterwards. You don't seem to do that much. You would use them if you're finishing with things like "she said".
...should be written as:
The points are that the dialogue ends in a period, because it stands alone as a sentence. You would then double space between that and the next sentence.
3) Commas used in compound sentences
When you're combining two thoughts that can stand alone on their own, you would generally use a comma to join them. One thing to remember, though, is two totally independent thoughts or sentences don't join with a comma that easily. Here's a pair of examples for each.
... should be written as:
Subtle point here. You could get away without a comma if you had worded it as "I was the filly everyone was after but nopony could get." The thing to think about is that "everypony always got rejected" is really a stand-alone thought/clause. If you wanted to, you could make it its own sentence.
...should be written as:
In this case, the first sentence really can and should stand on its own. In the end, though, "it's always amazed me" is an interjection—it pretty much interrupts the previous thought to sum it up. In that case, an em dash (like I used) is the MOST proper thing to use, but a semicolon can also be used without losing any English nerd cred.
Okay, I'll leave it at that. Suffice to say, if you can find an editor who can really go through these with you and point out the places where it can be improved, you'll learn a lot very quickly, and the story will become tighter than a Victorian corset.
To find a good editor, go troll through these forums:
Looking for Editors Group
Editors subgroup
Proofreaders
Author Support Group
Good luck to you! Keep writing, you've got a lot of talent that you can develop!
-OtterMatt: TWE's Resident Master of Music
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1522474 Thank you! That review really helped point out the things I was oblivious to. There's just one thing I'm confused about. Did you say there was an alicorn in the story? Dream Catcher isn't actually an alicorn, she's just a delusional pegasus.
1522581
Nono, green means a passing grade. Anything in that category is almost always a terrible fic regardless of other content, so not having one means you pass.
1522591 Ohhhhh, I get it now! I must say thanks again because not only will your advice help my story, It'll help with school
1522602
If you're really interested in having a reference handy (for creative, technical, OR academic writing), go find yourself a copy of The Elements of Style. If you take an English class in college/university, I can almost guarantee that book will be part of your textbook load, and it's still the definitive handbook for technical writing.
1522687 Hahaha I'm not in college yet! I'm a Yr7 in a middle school
1522721
No problem with that! You're already ahead of the curve, though that might have something to do with you not being part of the toxic, co-dependant, bell-curve-driven education system here in America...
Twilight would be so ashamed of my country.
1522732 To be honest, my school isn't that good. While the the upper school after the school I'm in is great, my current school isn't. They care more about the uniform than the education
Wait. This is the ponyfied version of your dream? As in the original was human stuff, and didn't involve Equestria at all?
Wat