Chapter 5: 14 Days a Week
Chapter 5: 14 Days A Week
“Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
My first week of duality was without a doubt the most exciting week of my life... though it definitely wasn't the smoothest. The first noticeable change was my sudden streak of being late for work (I had an impeccable record until now). But too many things were happening in my second life, I just couldn't bring myself to close my eyes and return to my world on time. Can you really blame me?
My job is boring as hell; burning dvds and printing labels on them, staring at a computer screen for hours on end. It became impossible to focus on the mundane tasks I had and not my nighttime adventures, so I started slacking even more than usual. I could not wait for the weekend and my extra time in Ponyville, but I digress, let’s start at the beginning.
I woke up in Ponyville with my to-do list in mind... and another hangover. Man, you’d think one a day would be enough. I carefully wobbled my way downstairs to find Berry sitting at her table with a large glass of water in hoof (ha... nailed it!). She looked... just terrible.
I plopped down into the empty chair beside her. “Hey Berry... ummm, how are you feeling?” I asked, guessing at the answer.
“Just dandy, Cap. My head feels like an over inflated balloon and everything is spinning. Uuuugh the look Miss Cheerilee gave me.... “
“You saw Cheerilee today?” I noticed Pina wasn’t here. Berry must have taken her to school... but she was at school yesterday... “This might sound weird but, what day is it?”
Berry shot me a look of confusion, then said, “It’s Tuesday... I think. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s right.” Tuesday it is then. Weird, it’s Sunday night at home. So time was more than just twelve hour off here.
“Oh, of course... haha.” I laughed off my ignorance, then changed the subject. “No offense, but you look like-”
“Shit?” She interrupted without missing a beat. She's impressively quick witted for someone so hungover.
“Hey, come on. I asked you not to use that word.” I was grinning a little, it’s still kinda funny to hear a pony swear. “And I was going to tell you how to cure a hangover too....” I added coyly.
Apparently her reflexes were also unaffected by her hangover, cause she snapped to attention in an instant. “Really? How?! Tell me!” She was manic, with desperation in her huge purple eyes. I was about to tell her all about the wonders of bacon sandwiches when I remembered where I was, and that I’m an idiot.
Ponies don’t eat bacon, jackass my brain confirmed for me. Where the fuck was that factoid two second ago?
“It’s... umm simple really...” I don’t know fuck all about pony anatomy, how was I suposed to come up with an answer that didn't involve murdering a few of Berry's neighbors? I know! Make a joke! “You just gotta keep drinking! Ha...ha.” I ‘joked’. Probably not the best thing to say to a possible alcoholic.
Berry slumped down into her chair. “As much as I’d like to, it’s nine in the morning and I have to run the winery today.” Good, so there's hope yet... right? “Not that I'm judging or anything, but I assume that's not what you're planning to do today, right?"
Shaking my head hard enough to feel queasy, I told her about my plan to buy a watch and look for work in town. What I didn’t mention was that I’d also be going around meeting all the ponies I knew from the kid’s show they came from, for obvious reasons. She suggested I go to Colgate’s Clock Shop for the watch and Town Hall to find work. I couldn't remember that last time I got a job without using the internet.
After a disappointingly bacon-free breakfast, Berry had to leave for the winery she owned and operated. She lent me her saddlebags for the day, which I placed my bits in, and walked out of the house with her.
“I should be back around 4pm. Do you think you can pick up Pina from school? I... don’t want to run into Cheerilee again...” asked Berry as she shut and locked the front door.
“Ummm, sure.” It was the least I could do for free room and board.
“Thanks a bunch. See you later Cap!” She trotted off, still a little shaky. Why can’t horses eat bacon like normal people? sigh.
A short trot later, I easily found the clock shop (it had a giant clock on it’s sign. Go figure.) After a pleasant conversation with Colgate, (I asked if the Doctor was in, she looked at me like I was crazy. Good times) I cantered out with a brand new watch on my wrist. I didn't even need to wind it, because it ran on magic. At least that's what Colgate told me. Could have been a battery inside, but I didn't really care.
“Awesome! Now I can keep appointments across realities!” I said aloud. No one was around, so I guess I was just lying to myself.
It was 10:35 A.M. by the time I found the large bulletin board of job postings in Town Hall. It felt great to be out and about in the morning, though I rarely did it at home. I can be active in the morning, but I prefer to sleep in. I guess my desire to not waste time here was motivating me to drag my ass out of bed at a semi-reasonable hour.
I eagerly scanned the listings; the hospital was looking for a night janitor. Pass. Carrot-Top needed help cleaning a pig sty. No thanks. The Weather Control Center wanted an inexperienced pegasus to receive paid training and a future job on Ponyville Weather Team.
“Son. Of. A. Bitch.” I muttered under my breath between clenched teeth. If I could have given the board the finger, I totally would have.
Ignoring the infuriating posting, I continued reading, cursing my winglessness. There were plenty of listings, but none I could actually do or enjoy. Fuck, and here I thought finding a job would be easy for once. Guess I was wrong, something I frequently am.
I trudged out of Town Hall in a mope. I'd hit a major setback, and it wasn't even lunchtime yet. Then I looked up and remembered I was in mother fucking PONYVILLE! With PONIES and shit! How could I be mopey here?
A smile crossed my face as I dispelled my funk and galloped off to have fun pony-related adventures. I found Lyra and asked if she needed a hand (Haaaa... she didn’t get it.) I grabbed lunch at a nice little deli (a sunflower sandwich tastes exactly like you’d think it would; like flowers on some bread.) And Rainbow Dash gave me the beating for my life for the little prank Rarity and I pulled the night before.
“Think about that next time you try to prank the master!” She laughed, flying off and leaving me slightly more bruised.
"It was mostly Rarity's idea!" I pointlessly called after her. It's not like she would be getting a visit from the Asskicking Fairy.
I wasted away the rest of my day wandering around Ponyville, then trotted contently to the school house when I assumed class would be ending. I got there just as the bell rang out and a tidal wave of even littler ponies erupted from the building. I quickly spotted the Cutie Mark Crusaders and had to resist running up and high-fiving them. Or... would it be high hoofing? Are bro-hoofs an actual thing here? Anyway, I am an adult, so high-fiving random children would be a no-no. Sometimes, I can pull off a little bit of self control.
“Night Cap! Over here!” Pina called, snapping me to attention yet again. She ran up and gave me another hug. “Is Berry at the winery still?”
I nodded. “She should be home by the time we get there though, champ.”
“So, you must be Night Cap.” Said an approaching voice that I knew belonged to Cheerilee. I turned to meet the pleasant pink teacher pony.
“Why, yes, I am.” I said, offering a hoof in a way I hoped was polite. After spending all day meeting (and for the most part, creeping-out/annoying) other ponies, I was able to keep my excitement in check.
Cheerilee grasped my hoof (to my continued confusion) and shook it gently. “It’s a pleasure to meet you! I’m Ms. Cheerilee.” Ya don’t say. “Pina has been talking about you all day, you big hero.”
I blushed, then looked to Pina, who also blushed. “Heh, It was nothing. Just in the right place at the right time.” I replied modestly. It’s hard to feel like a hero when you get high and watch cartoons all day last Thursday. No matter how many times you’re called one.
“Yes, well Berry Punch does have a habit of getting into trouble...” Cheerilee said, making a face. Then, remembering Pina was standing right beside me, she wisely changed the subject. “S-so... how are you liking Ponyville?”
“Oh, it’s great!” I played along, happy to talk about something else. “...Though I am having a little difficulty finding work.” I admitted, still a tad disappointed. Not to mention the cuisine, you damn pedal-pushers...
“Really? There was nothing listed at the Town Hall?” I shook my head, suppressing the memory of the weather-pony posting. Cheerilee lifted a hoof to her chin, “Well... we were supposed to have a guest speaker in tomorrow, but he had to cancel at the last minute. It was a paid job, too.”
My ears perked up. Huh, that was new. “Really?! ...What was he going to be speaking about?” I asked, to excited to try to regain direct ear control.
“Well... he was going to talk about magic. He’s a unicorn, after all...”
No. Fucking. Way. I was too deflated even to be angry. I must have looked particularly distraught, because Cheerilee was quick to jump back in and lift my spirits.
“But I’m sure you will have something much more interesting to talk about tomorrow!”
I looked up and gave her an askance glance. “You... want me to talk to your class tomorrow?”
“Of course!” She beamed, “You are the new local hero, I’m sure the children would be thrilled to meet you!”
“Yeah! Please do it Cap!” Pina chimed in. She was bouncing up and down several times her own height to my amazement and confusion. I love this place, but that doesn't mean I understand half the crazy shit that happens here.
“Well, what would you want me to talk about? I’m... not really an expert on anything...” Damn my lack of experience. All I really knew about this world came from a fucking kids show. Maybe I could just sing the theme song for an hour.
"There must be something you know more about than anypony...” Pina said hopefully.
My face lit up.
“Actually, there is one thing...”
_______________________________________________________
We all sat in the kitchen, a steaming plate of hay in front of us (mmmm... really digging pony food right now.) I poked it with a fork, listening to Pina talk and talk and talk. Even with my new watch, I had lost track of how long she'd been at it.
“And then! Ms. Cheerilee said we’d be thrilled to meet him, and now Cap is coming in to my class tomorrow to give a big speech ON DREAMS! Isn’t that exciting.?!” She all but shrieked.
I had also lost track of how long I’d been blushing for. Thank Celestia for my red coat.
“Dreams? Like... goals and stuff?” Berry asked, munching on the dry grass that somehow passed as food. Good thing I had eaten a whole plate of cookies with Pinkie Pie earlier. Can ponies get fat?
I cleared my throat, “Um, no. I’ll be talking about the dreams you have while you’re sleeping. There are all sorts of tricks to induce dreams. You can even teach yourself to be aware your dreaming!” I was getting some pretty perplexed looks from my audience. “Hehe... I’m... kinda of an expert on that.” I was in a fucking dream world, after all.
“Coooooool!” Pina chirped to my relief. Just when I thought I couldn’t like this kid more.
“Sounds interesting!” Berry remarked with a smile. “And congratulations on your first job in town!” She walked over to a nearby cabinet and opened it's ornate wooden doors. “i think this calls for a little celebration!”
When she returned, she had a fresh bottle of red wine from her own winery. I politely agreed, not wanting to miss out on drinking with my favorite wine-o. Berry pulled out the cork with her teeth and we began talking about some of the dreams we’ve had. I had the unique experience of having to ponify my dreams, as opposed to de-ponifying them.
It wasn’t until Pina went to bed and Berry was pouring my 3rd glass that I noticed the red flags waving in front of my face. I had know Berry for how many days? Three? She had been drunk or hungover on every one of them. And here I was drinking with her. Enabling.
That was worrying.
We finished off the entire bottle. I fell asleep after 9pm and was late for work for the first time in 5 months.
_______________________________________________________
“... and, with enough practice, anyon- anypony can learn how to fully experience a lucid dream.” I finished my big sppech, tapping my notes in a professional manner I figured was required of all orators. For a shy person, I really don’t mind public speaking, though I’m not great at it. I find it hard to get people to actually listen.
This was not the case in Cheerilee’s classroom. Every set of giant eyeballs were glued to me, listening intently. It was glorious.
A pudgy grey pony lifted his hoof. “Have you ever had a lucid dream?” He asked be fore I addressed him.
An image of Xzibit passed through my mind and I had to stifle a chuckle. “Yes, as a matter of fact. I have been aware while dreaming, though I’ve never been able to control or change what’s going on; that’s very high level stuff.”
I got a round of oooh’s from the class before the bell rang and Cheerilee stepped in. “Okay class! I want you all to start a dream journal tonight. Try to use the techniques we learned today and remember to write down everything you remember!” The foals were gone before the end of her sentence.
When I left the school house, I had a huge smile on my face and a bag of bits in my hoof. I passed by the playground and heard the children talking about the dreams they were going to create for themselves for the night.
“I’m gonna fight monsters with a sword made of fire!”
“Yeah? Well, I’m gonna fly to space and buck the moon!”
“I’m going to build a huge fort made of fudge and eat the WHOLE THING!”
“Cool!” “Awesome!” “YEAH!”
My smile widened, and walked back to the house feeling amazing. Berry and Pina were already there. The filly was going on about her new dream journal and how she was going to write in it every night. I knew should would, too. Of all the kids in class, she had been the most attentive.
Berry and I had another bottle of wine to celebrate. I was an hour late for work. Again.
_______________________________________________________
“You’re overmixing the batter! That’s what’s making ‘em come out all crumbly.” Ditzy Doo said. I’m not sure when we started talking about muffins, but it seemed like had been a while ago. She knew a lot about muffins. “Also, you should preheat the oven first, then pop them in as soon as you pour the batter into the pan.”
“Wow, I’ve been doing it wrong for all these years...” I said. I had actually only tried making muffins once, about 2 years ago when the whole “Derpy” fanon started up. It was an utter disaster.
“I bet the next batch you make will be amazing-tastic!” She said with a huge smile, drawing my gaze away from her slightly skewed eyes. “Just make sure you save one for me!”
"You betcha Derp- I mean, Ditzy!" That one was gonna take some getting used to.
“Hi Ditzy Doo! Hi Cap!” Said the approaching voice of my favourite egghead, Twilight Sparkle, “How's it going? Settling into Ponyville alright?”
I nodded emphatically, “I’m doing great! And Ponyville is totally awesome!” I smiled as she rolled her eyes.
“Okay, ‘Rainbow Dash’.” She snickered.
“That’s Night Cap, not Rainbow Dash.” Ditzy said, confused. “You should get your eyes checked.”
“Haha, yeah Twilight.” I joked. She shot me a look. “I mean... what’s up? Is my weird magic aura bothering you again?”
She was taken aback by the poor attempt at humor, “No! I mean, maybe. I mean, I have been doing a little research. Nothing major, just read a book or two. And I glanced over a few of the stranger magical field theories from the Golden Age of Academia, but...” she looked at the ground and prodded it with a hoof. “It’s not going well.”
“I apologize for my irregularity and the awkwardness it causes.” I said with a smirk and a cordial bow. I was in a good mood, the last thing I wanted to do was worry about was my secret humanity being discovered.
“What’s a magic aura?” Ditzy asked me, and the mailbox we were standing by.
“I’ll explain it to you later.” Twilight said, looking up from the ground. “Anyway, there was something I wanted to ask you about.”
Some much for not worrying... “Sure, go ahead?” Uh oh, this could be bad. I told my brain to get ready to enter bullshitin’ mode.
“Well, I was over at Rarity’s yesterday, you see. I wanted to ask another unicorn if they sensed anything... off... about you.”
dammitdammitdammit...
“She said there was definitely something strange...”
fffffffffffuuuuuuuuu...
“...but she couldn’t quite put her hoof on it.”
Oh thank Jesus.
“But enough about magical auras...”
“Thank you!” said Ditzy. I think her pupils were slowly moving away from each other the whole time Twilight was talking till they resembled two egg yolks at either end of a pan. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.
“Well, Rarity’s sister, Sweetie Belle, she came in raving about the talk you had given her class yesterday, and how her group of friends are going to earn their cutie marks by dreaming.” And now I’m blushing again. I swear I’m gonna pass out from it one of these days.
“Wow, she was really that excited?” I hadn’t expected the lesson to sink in this much (though now that I think about it, telling kids they could learn to beat up sharks in their sleep may have been a tad reckless.)
“Oh yes. Personally, I find dreams fascinating! Though, I’ve only done limited research on them, mostly scientific studies.” Twilight admitted with enough modesty to choke an otter to death (that’s a lot of modesty, by the way.)
“I had a dream once! Dinky turned into a muffin, but a nice rainbow helped me turn her back. Then we all had tea!” Ditzy added excitedly, clapping her hooves together.
“Yes... Like I said, fascinating." Twilight said, shaking the crazy out of her ears, "Anyway, I’d love to learn more about your dreaming techniques! You think you’d be willing to give an encore presentation tomorrow night? For a more mature audience, of course.”
What?! I was honestly shocked. Nobody I knew at home gave two shits about my weird-o dream-talk (well, except for Sandra... I really should call her soon...)
“I’ll do it!” I agreed intently.
And for once, I was on time for work! Ha, balls no. Berry and I drank 2 bottles of wine to celebrate my growing notoriety in town and I passed out in her bathtub.
_______________________________________________________
The small venue was packed full of ponies. I peaked out from off-stage, cradling the notes I had transcribed from memory and rubbing my sore back. I had done most of the actual research and writing at work during the day, earning several stern looks from my boss. On top of the e-mail she had sent me basically telling me to get my shit together. Duly noted and ignored.
I spotted Berry Punch and Pina sitting in the first row. I had warned the filly that this version of my talk was going to be a little more involved, but that only excited Pina more. The mane six were sitting right behind them, wearing varying looks ranging from excitement and boredom (thanks for the support, Rainbow.)
I took a deep breath to calm myself. Okay, Jon, just relax. You’re just going out there to talk about something you like and know a lot about. Everyone will like it. I released the breath and stepped onto the stage. All the ponies in the audience stomped their hooves, Berry and Pina being the loudest. Once again, I was thankful for my red coat.
With that little ego boost, I stepped up to the podium, “Hello everypony. My name is Night Cap, and at one point in my life, I had no dreams.”
_______________________________________________________
For more than and hour I blabbed, touching on the basics of lucid dreaming and the techniques used to achieve it. They liked it! They really liked it! (Minus one blue pegasus who fell asleep...) After a brief question period and more stomping, my time in the limelight was over. I walked out of the hall to find Berry chatting with Twilight and her friends. Pina was reading a book, but came running over as soon as I stepped out.
“Cap! That was amazing!” She was jumping exceedingly high again.
“I’m glad you thought so, champ!” I said, looking at the book she had placed on the group while trying to escape gravity’s pull. “Whatcha got there?”
She stopped jumping with a gasp and flipped it open. “It’s my new dream journal!” Pina exclaimed. “I only have a few entries right now, but I’m going to write more every night!” She hoofed through a few pages. “Remembering dreams is hard, but I know I can get better if I keep at it!”
“Wow, you must really like my talks.” She was quoting me almost word for word.
"You bet! This one was even better! I’m sure I’ll be lucid dreaming in no time!” She started jumping up and down again.
“Woah there, crazy girl!” Berry said, walking over and pulling her sister back down to earth. “You were great, Cap! But it’s late, and somepony needs her beauty sleep.” Berry said, finishing with a flourish.
I glanced at my watch. 8:50. “Sleep sounds good.” I said, desperate to get to work on time at least once this week. I said my goodbyes to the Mane six (Twilight said I had given her plenty of new study material! squee! Rainbow said I was a weirdo. I think she would like Dan) then headed hom
_______________________________________________________
“Where do you think you’re going, Mr. Hero/ Ponyville's newest celebrity?” Berry asked. I was halfway up the stairs. It was 8:59.
“I... thought you said you wanted to get some beauty sleep?” I cast the die, but she was already pulling out a bottle.
“Oh come one, you just gave a talk to the whole town! I think that calls for a drink or five!”
And I was so close. Now I had to do something I really didn't want to.
I turned and walked back down the stairs.
I just couldn’t ignore the red flags anymore. Berry had a problem, and if I was really her friend, I should be trying to help her. I realized I was angry. Not because I was going to be late for work. I was angry at myself for not talking about it with her sooner.
“Berry, I... I think you drink too much.” I said evenly. The following silence was deafening.
She placed the bottle she had in her teeth on her table and turned to face me.
“You... do?”
I let out a sigh, trying to contain my emotions. “Yes. I think you drink too much. And for the wrong reasons.” All the elation from earlier had evaporated, leaving me only with concern and heartache.
Berry was quiet for a long, cold moment, staring at the floor. Then, in almost a whisper, “You don’t know me.”
“I know I haven’t known you long, but-”
“I SAID YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” She spat without warning.
I fell back onto my haunches in shock. This was going well. “Berry, please, I’ve seen you drink everyday since I’ve met you! You say it’s as celebration, but I think-” she cut me off again, storming right up to me.
“You know, you’re just like every other pony in this town! Just because I like drinking doesn’t make me an alcoholic! Just look at my cutie mark!” She turned slightly, showing me the grapes and strawberry on her flank. “Wine is my special talent. I enjoy it! It’s how I connect with other ponies; like YOU!” She was somehow towering over me, jabbing me with a hoof repeatedly.
I closed my eyes, “Berry, I... I know about your parents.” I said, playing the card I'd knew she'd force me to. I opened my eyes again to gauge her reaction and dodge any flying furniture, if necessary.
She backed away a little, her expression blank. I could see the tears forming.
“How dare you.” Berry said quietly as the first one dropped. My insides twisted at the utterance. "How dare you bring that up.” She wiped the tear and turned away from me. “You think nopony has ever made that connection? You think I like being asked if I drink because my parents died? To be reminded of it, over and over?”
She shouldered past me to the stairs, climbing the first few. Without turning she said in a wavering, quiet voice, “I thought y-you were different. But you’re just l-like them.”
Without another word she left, leaving me sitting in the dark. Is loneliness the price of trying to be a good friend? Seems a little ironic to me.
I felt broken inside.
I drank the bottle alone, waking up in my brown sheets sometime in the early afternoon.
There was a message from work. They said not to bother coming in for a while.
How had I fucked this up so badly?
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(Joke) Alt. Title: Jon: The Least Interesting Fanfiction In Equestria
And why is there a monochrome DragonBall in the cover art?
Ha.
He's screwed
you done goofed
Aaaaw I so wanted first on this chapter, I've been waiting forever for it. :(
I had know Berry for how many days? Three? She had been drunk or hungover on every one of them. And here I was drinking with her. Enabling.
That was worrying.
We finished the bottle. I fell asleep after 9pm and was late for work for the first time in 5 months.
Heh that killed me. "It's terrible what am I doing! Whelp to late bottles gone now."
Hmm, last comment: fifty-four weeks ago.
I'm just fashionably late.
I see nothing wrong with this.
Nah, Rainbow just liked it so much that she wanted to get a head start.
But in all seriousness, there's not enough Berry Punch stories out there. I'm very much enjoying this so far and wish I'd found it much sooner than I did.
How weird that I’m reading this on Tuesday December 3, 2019.
Edit 12/4/2019:
😡
Earth ponies can do magic too!!