Master of certain tangible things, writer, mandalorian. Commission Info
Pinkie Pie has a new friend who just arrived in Ponyville. She sees him every morning, when he orders a plain old breakfast muffin. She's tried several times to surprise him with parties, but he always manages to disappear. Today, however, will be different!
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It was well written. Having said that, I hated it.
Loved it!
Shocking, well written, and intimate.
Loved it.
1446629
Hah, everybody's a critic. I'm glad you enjoyed the writing, anyway, so thank you for that!
1446666
Thank you!
1446694
You. You rock.
1446710
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/104/2/8/profile_picture_by_tom_the_rock-d4w6kf2.jpg
Not that critical. I didn't give u the evil thumb. :-P
1446734
And I thank you for that, as well!
Out of curiosity, why didn't you like the story? I'd be interested to hear what you thought. PM me or just reply in a comment, if you like.
I guess I just like my dark tempered with a little more hope or humor. It could have been worse though, you could have killed Luna.
I fear you've been reigned in too far. While written proficiently, I find Flame lacking in real motivation; I don't believe him. There are hints of conflict, turmoil, dedication and so on but they are all muted behind a series of bland actions at the cost of tension. There is no sense of anticipation, no sense of time nor scale, things just "are." I feel almost as if it were better if Flame was more open about his motivations in his thoughts. The story feels like it's trying to create tension by withholding information but at the same like it is trying to do the same by telegraphing. That mixture creates an air of predictability rather than of intrigue or apprehension, and that predictability ultimately makes the entire thing less interesting and thus I am left feeling rather blasé.
Instead of Flame describing his actions through the day he would be better served by introspection at them. The 'human' tag is also rather irksome since you don't specify that in the story, but the reader is going to expect them to show up. This has the (unintended?) effect of betraying Flame's secrets to the reader and adds to the predictability without any gains in intrigue. The tag should go unless this turns into something other than a one-shot or the last paragraph is expanded into a debrief.
1446789
Very fair. This story is definitely tragic. I love Pinkie Pie, and destroying her character emotionally was not my favorite moment of writing.
Thanks for your input!
As I mentioned before, this is one of those fics that is absolutely designed to hook the reader. I won't spoil anything for anyone else, but by the time I was finished, I was legitimately upset that there was only one chapter ready right now.
Very good work, very unique and cool concept, and I eagerly look forward to where you take this story next!
1446801
Oh pooh. I meant to remove the 'human' tag after moderation. Thanks for cluing me in to that.
Thank you, also, for the constructive criticism, I appreciate hearing from those that are less satisfied with my work. I can only improve my work from knowing what was dissatisfactory.
1446806
Brian, thanks so much for all the help!
1446806
When I was looking at the draft, I was going to make noisy complaints about a few things until I saw the chapter number and realized it wasn't over.
1452561
Sad. This is not a happy story.
Very interesting. On one hand, the concept of the universe that you are building is fascinating and for that alone I'm interested. This is supported throughout by a few open-ended hooks: the debriefing, Celestia's words etc. and they've definitely worked
.
On the other hand, the way the story was told didn't grab my attention nearly as much as it could have. Candle Flame's motivations were pretty transparent and within the first few paragraphs I had already guessed the plot of the story. This diffused some of the tension and killed a fair share of the intrigue, preventing the story from being as good as it has the potential to be. Ideally, we wouldn't completely understand his objectives until they were coming to fruition.
All in all, it had a very interesting premise, a good execution and i'm looking forwards to more
1455439
Glad you enjoyed it!
You, sir, get a PM for your trouble!
1447636
WHAT?!?!
When I saw it tagged 'complete' I was sad.
Though the story was still satisfying, I couldn't help but crave more.
And you say there is more?
This is the best news I've had all day!
1459658
Check out my blog! More info there.
1456490
Hehe, it was no trouble, but I might cause some if this universe isn't continued
If this story's aim was to piss me off enough to make me want to flip tables left and right in a drunken rage, then it has succeeded; I feel like I just got trolled.
I kept reading, hoping that the too-obvious motivation of the main character was simply me misreading the text, fighting my growing feelings of unease. From the synopsis and the picture, I was expecting a tale about Pinkie Pie giving comfort and relief to some lonely ghost who haunted Ponyville or something, not some... some... sfdlakan;lbgsb alsfud klbgjaklspoilersjrklgakjsk GAH.
Just... why.
Why.
It's obvious you devoted a lot of care and attention to this, as the writing is mechanically excellent and the descriptions and characterizations (with one large reservation) are fitting and engaging, but with such a flat main character, this just leaves your readers feeling empty. I would almost go so far as to use the word "cheated." This feels like more a footnote to a larger story than a self-contained piece with its own narrative. When the story is very obviously focused on Candle Flame (as shown by the story's final moments) and almost no motivation or personality is given to him beyond vague impressions of contentment and then guilt, it just ends feeling incomplete.
Then again, I pull this kind of crap on people all the time. Maybe this is how they feel, because I both want to shake your hand and punch you in the face for writing this story. I just... ugh. Maybe this just isn't my kind of story.
1474647
The only reason this story is listed as complete is for my sanity's sake. I will write more to this, but I want no expectations as to when chapter 2 will arrive. It could be tomorrow, it could be in a month or three. I want to focus my time on Red Wings, which has a sort-of schedule that it updated by. This first chapter can stand alone (barely), and so it will for now.
I'm glad that you find my writing excellent and most all of my characterizations fitting. That's very high praise coming from you, sir! Candle Flame is a flat character, yes, but that is intentional. We don't know his motivations or much about him, or really anything, because most everything we see from him is a lie. At the end, I want the reader in a similar position as Pinkie Pie is in. Left standing, facing this guy, asking "Who are you?"
1474721
Why not list the story as "On Hiatus," then? That would actually be, y'know, accurate.
And I'm not sure that the effect you wanted is what you got, as I see two other folks seem to have said much what I've said. One could mistakenly assume this character was bland as a throwaway, a cheap character you didn't spend much time on just so you could write the story of... well, what he does in this story. (I'll leave it out for the sake of any folks who read comments before reading the story.) The question in my head wasn't so much "Who are you?" but "Why should I assume you're anything more than an author mouthpiece?"
That said, I also think Pinkie's anguish could have been more developed. I realize we can't get the full weight of what she's going through thanks to the story's perspective, but their final moment was just too brief to fully gutpunch the reader, I feel.
1474744
I'll make sure to get you in on the next chapter's editing/pre-reading session whenever that happens, if you would be interested.
1474764
I really don't think I would be. There looks like a giant disconnect between the approach you're using to tell this tale and what I feel is good writing, so I think we'd just end up butting heads.
I'm more inclined to say "live and let live" and just let it be.
Again, the writing is largely good. I just don't care for the direction it goes.
1474787
Fair enough! Thank you for reading, and thanks for your input. It's always good to hear from you, Vimbert!
Is this supposed to go somewhere?
Right now it's a pretty pointless story (as many tragic and dark stories are).
You killed Celestia (and possibly the pony race, though that seems unlikely since Luna is still around).
Congrats.
So what?
That's really the problem here--so what?
The logic is bad too.
She's incredibly powerful and dangerous so we have to kill her. Except, you know, she clearly wasn't that powerful or that dangerous for a goddess considering how easy it was to kill her.
Also, how is the sun going away a worst-case scenario? That's the only scenario. The entire reason they wanted to kill her was because she was powerful enough to raise the sun. What else would they think could possibly happen?
And apparently these guys are from another world entirely. What exactly was their concern with Celestia?
Further yet! Now they actually DO have a pissed off goddess to deal with it!
They just created their own fear.
There's stupid and then there's just moronic.
A very interesting story, it works very well a a oneshot but if you do decide to go back to it I'll be very interested to see where you take it
1528077
Humans don't have gods, how differant would our world be if a god or pair of gods walked among us everyday and ruled us? We don't know, we don't understand and humanity has always feared what it can't understand
1528077 I might also add that not only did they kill a goddess which BY EVERY POSSIBLE ANALYSIS is a good and kindly ruler, they totally ignored the ABSOLUTELY EVIL creature Discord!
Who, I might point out, is almost certainly going to get free now. And is going to notice at once the remnant fractures in the dimensional walls. AND is going to follow them to Earth, given that Equestria is doomed.
AND no stupid toxin is going to do a damn thing against a creature that has no stable physical form.
These actions make zero logical sense.
Oh yes, this story is a good example of why humans should be exterminated, by the way.
Hence, "The Conversion Bureau" has been justified! The ponies read this story and realized just how evil humans are! And how did they read it... this text which 'somepony' conveniently re-wrote as formal plans to assassinate Celestia? *opens portal and tosses a written copy through* Oopsie! Such a butter-hooves I am!
*sinister smile* Enjoy obliteration. My task is complete and I hardly had to do a thing!
1528077
Candle Flame explains his actions to Pinkie Pie.
From this, one could extrapolate that mankind has encountered a being of godlike power before, and said godlike creature nearly destroyed humanity. Regardless of what the being's intent was, it obviously affected humanity in such a strong manner that they fear any such being, regardless of appearances.
Again, from what can be extrapolated from this single chapter, we're dealing with a humanity that has achieved the technology required to travel to other worlds/universes. That is a level of technology far greater than modern day era. Additionally, they've dealt with a godlike being before, and it was trying to kill humanity, but it didn't... which means that it probably was stopped. Humanity would develop weaponry or countermeasures designed to deal with beings of godlike power, after having such an encounter.
Would you, as a rational and scientific-minded being, immediately assume that just because a being has the ability to move the sun, said being is also powering the sun? Certainly somebody thought of it as a possibility, because it was a scenario posed to Candle Flame for the aftermath of his mission - but it was probably posed as an unlikely possibility, because nothing about Celestia indicates that she powers the sun, only that she is responsible for moving it.
As for Luna, well, we only see one story here. Who's to say that a similar operative to Candle Flame hasn't gone to assassinate the Princess of the Night? No spoilers, though. Candle Flame's got some reporting to do, after all.
1528407
Yep, they sure did.
1528375 Uhm, humanity has worshipped 'gods' for thousands of years. Gods of all types and shapes and sizes and temperaments. Humans have even, you know, blown themselves up for the 'cause' of their god when they believe they've been commanded to do so.
So I think many would take it rather in stride to find out one or more actually existed. Except atheists. They'd be peeing themselves.
1528701
But Celestia isn't the christian god, or the muslim god, or any of our own gods. She represents the 'other', the 'outside', and moreover she is powerful. I imagine that a fair number of religious groups would feel threatened by her, rather than accepting.
1528756 Yes, and except for a certain turban-wearing group, the rest are no longer as paranoid and murderous. And frankly, I highly doubt the fanatics would have the wherewithal to create technology of this level. It takes an enormous and almost incomprehensible amount of power to even theoretically reach between dimensions, to say nothing of the level of precision required to end up in an exact location.
This implies a vastly advanced level of human society, who need tremendous patience and fortitude to complete the ambitious nature of this technological sophistication.
They way they have reacted here is more akin to what I'd expect from terrorists, not a civilized nation.
You forget, we HAVE been attacked suddenly, several times in history. Invariably, our responses have tended toward moderation. What you are proposing here would be akin to firing nuclear missiles into Afghanistan after 9/11... except in this case, no attack has come yet. In this case WE are Al Queda! WE have delivered a vicious attack to their lands and killed them without provocation.
There is NOTHING that can justify this act, and I would side with any aliens/dieties who conclude humanity must be eradicated, lest their paranoid delusional destructive tendencies harm any other innocent worlds.
1528857
I'm doing my best to avoid spoilers in responding to you. Let me simply state that what is presented is not the whole story, and revealing any more than that would make writing the rest of the story entirely pointless.
On another point, your assumptions on whether or not any deities that may or may not be watching the unfolding events would be good, kind, or benevolent are interesting. What if they are evil, cruel, and cold? What if they either don't care, or simply see it as the removal of competition? Sure, humanity could be perceived as a threat by higher powers, or they could be perceived as acting "just as planned".
1528951
Edit: If you'd like to discuss this further, please PM me. Too many spoilers being thrown around and potential for me accidentally spoiling stuff.
Beginning: All happy and stuff. My reaction:
Middle: Weird things happening! My Reaction:
End: Evil and upsetting. My reaction:
1528885 Honestly, I think you can tell him (at least via PM), since by the tone of his comments, it's unlikely he'll continue reading this story. When I see the entire premise as logically flawed (as he does here), I just shrug and leave. Life is too short to read things you don't enjoy.
Also, you set yourself a monumental task, and I'm afraid you largely failed at it. Trying to make what happened here in any way, shape or form relatable is an almost insurmountable challenge, since we (the readers) know that it was a colossal mistake and incredibly stupid on the part of the humans. Dramatic irony is well and good, but combine that with a (supposedly) sympathetic viewpoint character, and the whole thing can't support its own weight any longer. Grey vs. Gray - painting both sides as having a point - doesn't work when combined with canon Equestria, which is about as white as it gets. If this were labeled a crossover with Warhammer 40,000, I could understand the motivations; as it is, nope. As for the "clandestine" part: This is supposedly a future society, developed hundreds of years past where we are, and even nowadays, it's next to impossible to actually keep anything secret, especially after the fact. Between a free press and social media, keeping something on this scale under wraps shouldn't be doable.
Then again, I only got here in the first place because of the EqD feature. I should have learned my lesson regarding their recommendations a long time ago, but I just keep falling for it. That would make me the bigger dupe here, I guess.
1446629 I concur wholeheartedly.
1529947
Fair enough. Regardless of whether you liked it or not, thanks for reading.
YAY! LET'S KILL THE FICTION! DEATH TO THE WRITTEN ABOMINATION!
Kidding. Wow. Lots of hate for what I thought was a pretty good read. I hope there'll eventually be more - there's so much left unanswered.
Good work getting featured, Prop. Sadly, I find EqD readers can be very um... unloving and intolerant. NO POINTING HOOVES HERE, just... you know. You see the tags, you have to expect bad and awful things! Some that might even... dare I say it, BREAK CANON! NO-OOO! Again, mostly kidding.
Your writing is positively enviable - extremely well founded and structured. I'll check out your other works too.
Great job! Also, I wish you luck - seems you could use some, poor dear.
1530291
I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY—aw, who am I kidding.
I welcome all feedback, negative or positive, though I prefer there to be a little less spoilers. *shrug*
1530339
HA. HAHAHA!
... your death shall be magnificent.
1530362
1528493
When dealing with what they believe to be gods they thought scientific reasoning was the path to take? Even when they're employing apparently magical weapons against them?
lolwut.
Besides that, if they have the power to kill gods, why would they still be so fearful of them? That's like thinking: "Well, since there are clearly animals out there that are capable of killing us, we should go and slaughter them all, just in case, even if they currently have zero interest, or even knowledge of us."
I repeat: lolwut.
1531179
Thanks for reading, regardless of your like or dislike for the story.
Not gonna argue with you about it. Can't please all the people all the time!
Story was well written.. for some reason I think you did a good job at making the character more than just a cardboard cutout. There was a good amount of foreshadowing in it. The intentions of the character were almost stated before it actually happened.
...but the plot behind it feels more than lacking. There's some speculation: alternate dimension, and some entity that wanted Celestia dead. But why? Generally when an organization wants to kill something there's a good motive behind it. Simply "being a god" seems very, very sketchy.