Shipping 💖11,669 stories ·9,739 members
TwiDash1,188 stories ·4,230 members
i love mlp798 stories ·67 members
Twilight's Marem/Harem3,583 stories ·2,220 members
Rainbow is confident and cool when faced with the prospect of dating, especially if it's just to test the waters. So why is she acting like this?
Cover Image by me. Ink and watercolor on paper, roughly 8x7.
Editing by Doctor Strangelove starting at Chapter 2, and Formerly Committed as well starting at Chapter 3.
Page generated in 0.18 seconds
Total duration
622 users online
996,327 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Unleash the dogs of critique!
Or not, whatever. This was a lot of fun to write. Twidash is best pony pairing.
1437630 yes, twidash is definitely best...
And I certainly hope you do. I like the characterization, it was really well written, and cute as hay! All I noticed was a small spelling mistake of Twilight (Tilight), but I can't fault you much for it. You set out to write something sweet and fluffly, and you achieved just that.
As for proper critique, all I can really say is that the idea behind this particular chapter has been done to death (as it would be, really), and there's not really that much it does to change the formula of these types of fic's, so to speak. That said, it's certainly one of the better examples of this type of story done right, so instead of reinventing the wheel, you just added a good coat of polish to it (which is in no way a bad thing, I feel). Also I want to thank you for doing the entire elements of harmony thing right. It frustrates me to see so many authors play the "Don't worry, I wont leave you, because I'm the element of loyalty," card. It's like they don't realize that the Elements don't make up who they are, but more the Elements are bound to them BECAUSE of who they are, and they believe that the characters should throw it around like a title.
Good work, and I hope to see more from this story! :)
1443674
TYPO OBLITERATED.
Thanks for the comments. I agree there's hardly anything revolutionary going on here. If I do write more, I'll probably add something that can give this at least a hint of originality and substance. Like, I don't know, a plot or something. I have no illusions that I've written cotton candy, but I appreciate that you think it was well-spun cotton candy. :)
In paragraphs 1, 2, 5 and 7 you spell Twilight as 'Twighlight', and that almost made me stop reading, but I powered through and I'm glad I did. No one lost their wings, died, and like Somepony above me said they didn't throw around their elements like a title. Pretty much what Somepony said, but I wanna use my own sweet analogy instead of wood polish. Um...if it ain't broke...no, hmm.....OK I got nothing. Nice little cliche walking into the sunset ending, but can still continue if you wish to, and hopefully you do. Only suggestion I have is to find an editor or pre-reader.
This reminded me of the movie Hitch...I think that was the name of it....
Edit: Bah that guy beat me to it...I'll leave this up since it tell you where you did it. Plus I think the guy above me cheated since he can travel time.
1444333 and 1444395
...*facehoof* I really, really can't believe I made that mistake.
REALLY, REALLY EMBARRASSING TYPOS OBLITERATED.
This is good, TwiDash is probably my favorite Twilight ship. It's well written, and, though I guess I can't exactly call it original, I like the fanon that RD has trouble with relationships/commitment/etc. It's good, it makes things cute, and... yeah. Good work! I hope you continue!
MOAR!!!
everyone read this story and harmony fell across the world.. the end.
no really give us more this was good.
If you are looking for an editor
The vast majority of stories I edit for are TwiDash
Loved it, would love more!
I'm a sucker for good TwiDash and this didn't disappoint. I'd love to see you explore more of this. It's got a good angle: Twi coming out to an openly gay Dash, plus Dash's reluctance to pursue based on past bad experiences. Lots of these stories just have them fall into "I love you Twi! I love you RD! *kisseshappilyeverafter*" after the first date, or even before it, so it's nice to see them not taking things TOO fast. Thumbs up and a gold star for you!
Couple of minor formatting issues:
feelings for somepony who’s brain is hardwired = should be whose
straight at Twilight, conviction
burning in her eyes. = eliminate the line break after conviction
Twilight blinked. “Now?”
“Sure,” Rainbow said over her shoulder = needs paragraph break after "Now?"
That would explain my gaydar mess-up.”
Twilight chuckled. = needs paragraph break after mess-up."
1444839
I didn't think I needed an editor because I'm usually pretty spot on with mechanics, but after that 'Twighlight' thing I may just take you up on that offer. javascript:smilie('
');
The responses here have been extremely positive, so thank you everyone! I'm curious about the thumbs downs. I know there are some trolls lurking about who like to thumbs down everything they come across, but I think it'd be rather egotistical of me to assume that's all that's happening here. Anyone who didn't like it, please speak up! I know this thing's got some problems, even beyond the lack of originality. I'm rather rusty at writing, so I'm sure there's some phrasing awkwardness and pacing problems. As I said before, I got some thick skin and I really appreciate critical analysis.
1445584
Well, for the most part my editing goes along the lines of helping with pacing, dialogue, characterization and just all around helping you improve the quality of your writing.
feel free to check out my account and message some of the other people I edit for if you want a better idea of how I work.
1445549
MISTAKES OBLITER-blahblah, you get the idea.
I'd imagine a continuation of this going through those bumps of uncertainty and personal baggage. Building a relationship is hard, and physical and emotional infatuation is only step one, regardless of how long two people (or ponies) harbor those feelings. I find it rather silly in other fics when two characters claim to love each other immediately. I mean, I doubt anyone would be particularly pragmatic about how they classify their feelings for someone else, but still. It just comes across as naive or inexperienced.
1445612
I'll do that!
I like it when rainbow gets embarrasse bout her feelings and then twilight just randomly kisses her. It's just so cute!!!^_^
I like Rainbow in this.
Alright, after over forty likes and seventy favorites in less than 24 hours of posting, ya'll have twisted my arm. I've started writing a second part. Thanks for the very kind words; this is truly the nicest fandom I've ever encountered and it's rather nice to be a part of it. My life's been kinda terrible for a while now and it was so good to find something that could make me smile again. And if I can make others smile with silly little fanfics about ponies, I know I can keep my own smile going.
Bam! Chapter 2! Big shout out again to my editor Doctor Strangelove.
Im loving the fact that you're continuing this. You're really setting something interesting up here, and I can't wait to see how it plays out (and by the sound of it, neither can you! :P). In all seriousness though, I really love how polished your writing is, it's a standard above most of the usual affair on this place (not anything against these other Authors, I mean, they have to learn some time), though it begs the question: have you written before? For other fandoms, or just creative writing in general?
Sorry to hear about the state of your living, I find ponies (if not the wonderful parts of the fandom, then the show itself), is a great way to unwind and just have a happier outlook in general. You just dont find this with Anime's and other TV Shows, I find.
Also I wouldn't worry about the thumbs down's that aren't quantifiable (that is, people who thumb something down and don't tell you why), it's usually those close-minded people who thumb it down for dumb reasons like "Rainbow Dash is in this story", or "I don't like shipping", just stuff like that. It's just opinions, everyone is entitled to them, but really, unless they tell you why (and it's a valid reason), then it's not your problem.
1445549
I believe you've just pointed out one of the reasons why I like this so much. It's exactly the opposite of this in this story, and it makes me appreciate it even more. Don't get me wrong, there have been a tonne of great stories where the characters fall in love at the "Disney Rate" (2-3 days), but I feel that the "love bomb" so to speak has to be dropped at the right time, or it could work against the story.
1454475
I'm glad you're enjoying it. To answer your question about writing experience, I do have a little. I attended a specialty art high school that had art-based majors in addition to regular academics, so I spent all of my high school career writing creatively. Once upon a time in middle school I was briefly involved in Dragon Ball Z and Mobile Suit Gundam Wing fanfiction, but I'd rather not resurface those memories. I've had a scant handful of poems and short stories published, but not anywhere that could be located (THANK GOD). Since high school I've written very sporadically and have had much more focus on drawing and painting.
I also held a job for six years where email correspondence was the primary method of communication with customers, so I had a daily reason to stay on top of writing mechanics.
Convoluted enough answer for you?
Good chapter. A few grammar mistakes, but nothing that made me cringe. One major thing:
Seems you didn't finish the sentence. One good thing about editors: you can blame them for EVERYTHING. But seriously though, Doc's work is good, and I'm totally not just saying that because I have to work with him on certain projects.
1454876
Ahem, yes, I AM going to blame this on Doc. Hee.
FIXED.
1454920
Good, let the
hatelove and tolerance consume you. You're spoiling us with these daily updates. So the day you don't deliver, the masses shall rise up in apocalyptic proportions.1454949
Hey now, it's not my fault it took 26 hours for the story to be approved and posted for the first chapter, I've been writing these EVERY OTHER day. I have until Friday before lynching threats can commence.
Thank you for continuing the story, such a quick update as well.
Also; you're a great fanfic writer, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Enjoying this so far, for sure. One mistake that does bother me, even though I'm just being pedantic:
This is actually incorrect. Always think of it in terms of how the sentence would be without the second party-- "I don't think I'm all that worried about me/myself" is correct, while "I don't think I'm all that worried about I" is not. Nit-picking, I know, but Twi should know those sorts of things :P
Other than that no errors stood out to me, and this continues to be refreshingly different from the shipping status quo of instant happily-ever-after.
What could be bothering RD? Could it be Twilight's comment that she (Twi) is probably bi and not gay? Looking forward to more chapters!
tiny typo (double period, or ellipsis?): "I’ve never felt like I was waiting for you..”
1455714
I don't think so. I mean, either way she's toward the homosexual end of the scale. It obviously has something to do with that, though, as that's the comment that seemed to bug Rainbow.
1455362
Drat.
GRAMMAR GRUDGINGLY FIXED.
1455714
Ah, the truncated ellipsis. We meet again.
FIXED.
1455714 and 1455833
I will neither confirm nor deny Rainbow's feelings on Twilight's exact sexuality. I will suggest that perhaps Twilight isn't quite as comfortable as she seems to be. After all, reading a book and assigning herself a number isn't quite the same thing as understanding and accepting it. You didn't think Rainbow was the only one who was gonna be a basket case, did you?
1456120
<3
I like how this it going. They're affectionate but not overly so and it feels more real.
Why I'm not currently writing chapter 3:
i111.photobucket.com/albums/n155/batsofchaos/2012-10-17155342.jpg
Why you should be...
zipmeme.com/uploads/generated/g1340240747387224054.jpg
That moment when you realize you make more comments on a fanfic site than on your own facebook.
1458526
Happens to us all
Whee, chapter three! With second editor on board.
Pre-reader, I am disappoint.
Jests aside, great chapter. It's nice to see some self-critical Rainbow from time to time.
Alright, minor nitpick:
I don't think gossamer means what you think it means. Rarity's wings would have been gossamer, but Rainbow's are not.
1473483
I was using the word metaphorically to describe the feel and texture, rather than literally to describe the phyiscal components of the wing. Yes, Rainbow's wings are not actually thin, insubstantial, spider-web-like, or gauzy, but that is what feathers feel like.
Interesting. Let's see how the happy couple takes this situation.
1473241
First, I'm an editor, not a pre-reader.
Second, This is me editing with a migraine and sleep deprivation, be nice.
Third, I actually don't have a third point.
1474488
I use the terms fairly interchangeably, but usually editors get paid ;P
Fair enough though, my writing probably looks much worse towards the end of 3Day.
1475168
Besides, I only care about how his writing is, not how mine is.
1473613 Personally I think they'd feel a lot more substantial, since they're made of flesh and blood, but if you're sure that's the word you want I won't argue. It's a great story anyway :) (Even if you're using the word wrong and ought to be ashamed of yourself.)
1475447
Tell you what, I'll use a more accurate description for her wings in an upcoming chapter.
1473241
Fixed that apostrophe. Now your conversation has been rendered contextless. BWAHAHA.
1475447>>1475486
I'll take the hit on this one since I let it pass. I actually had to look the word up when I got to it, and since 'gossamer' as an adjective means extremely light, or delicate, I let it go. Also....I don't edit author notes...especially editor notes. I don't get paid enough.
Keep going, Bats. I like the angle and the buildup, now with bonus plotline! Minor correction: EverfreeForest = needs space before Forest.
1476992
Fixed. Glad you're enjoying so far. I haven't gotten sick of writing it yet, so you'll see more of it eventually.
1475486
Fiend!