"Feeling better? Hmm?" Rarity patted the filly in her lap, surrounded by a sea of phlegm-filled tissues.
"I-I think so. Sorry, Rarity. I'm not really used to flying." Sweetie grabbed a hoofful of tissues and dumped them into an already-overflowing waste bin. "And I had no idea I could cry this much, either."
"Well, you are a filly. I suppose the younger the pony, the higher the capacity for crying." Rarity let out a little laugh as she tried to brighten Sweetie Belle's mood.
"I guess. I fell through a tree a few weeks ago, and that didn't hurt that bad. Why is everything so weird this week?"
"I suspect that has everything to do with your new-found occupation, dear Sweetie. Goodness, it's only been around two weeks and you're already suffering from work-related stress!" Rarity whipped out a comb from underneath the mess, and proceeded to tame Sweetie Belle's disheveled mane. "And you're even looking the part, too."
"But Rarityyyyy! I'm fine!" Sweetie shifted uncomfortably in Rarity's lap as the elder sister made strokes through her mane. The comb wasn't exactly beautifying it, but Sweetie Belle was certain that she was capable of doing it herself, at least.
"After everything that happened yesterday, I'd be surprised if you were able to attend school tomorrow. I managed to finish most of my orders as well, so perhaps we should do something today?"
"Well, okay. I guess." Sweetie sniffed. "I think I should go to Monocle and tell him that launching other ponies isn't very nice!"
"That's my girl," Rarity said as she raised Sweetie onto her hooves and nudged her towards the door. "A lady should always know when to speak her mind, especially in matters concerning her own well-being!"
"There he is! Now go, my little pony! Tell him what for!" Rarity swept a hoof to emphasize her gusto as Sweetie Belle walked across the schoolyard towards a totally oblivious Monocle. The colt had his back turned to Sweetie Belle and was engaging in conversation with another filly in class when Sweetie tapped him on the shoulder.
"Oh, Sweetie Belle! How are you today?" His grin almost caused Sweetie to sock him in the face.
"How am I feeling today? How am I feeling today? Well, why didn't you ask me that when I was flying faster than Rainbow Dash over Ponyville!"
"Beg pardon?" The colt's eyes darted left and right, utterly clueless and ignorant of the topic.
"Don't 'beg pardon' me, mister! You launched me that far on purpose, didn't you? I could have been hurt!"
His eyes widened in realization, as he brought out a small paper and handed it to Sweetie Belle. "I am so, so sorry, Sweetie. That catapult was actually brand-new, one of the experimental versions that Fancypants shipped to us a week ago. It's... far too powerful, as my father and I realized too late. I never intended to hurt you, or anything of the sort!"
"Then what's this paper for?" Sweetie looked at the paper in her hooves. The light brown paper denoted a transaction of some sort, to the tune of a large amount of bits.
"That's the receipt. We sold it to a few enterprising stallions who watched father sling a rock straight through our roof." He furrowed his brow, and his mouth turned downward. "Now there's a hole in our roof, the size of a full-grown pony. At least we have the money to cover for repairs..."
"Oh," Sweetie said dumbly. Her anger had subsided, and now she sat in front of Monocle, who was awkwardly rubbing his hoof on the back of his neck.
"I'm terribly, terribly sorry for everything, Sweetie. I thought it was going to land you straight into Gummy's safety harness!"
"Safety harness?"
"The roof of Sugarcube Corner isn't the way it is simply because of looks, dear."
"Oh. And the catapult was sold off?"
"Indeed, indeed." He peeked around Sweetie, noticing Rarity standing at the edge of the schoolyard. "Your sister appears to be waiting for something."
"Oh, right. She was pretty convinced that you tried to hurt me, so..."
"I would really appreciate it if you cleared that up. I'd rather not live my life knowing your sister thinks I wronged you."
Rarity wore an overbearing grin as Sweetie made her way back to her, but it lessened in intensity when she saw the filly shyly greet her. "Oh, dear. Is something wrong?"
"Actually, Rarity. It was faulty equipment. I mean, even despite the fact that he was aiming for Sugarcube Corner, he still missed."
"Missed? Well, I suppose Gummy would have something set up..." Rarity cleared her throat. "Aside from the fact that his position as a secret agent is dubious enough, I would assume that he had something set up for you. Goodness knows that he is more competent than that oaf of a stallion."
"You mean Top Hat?"
Rarity waved a hoof dismissively. "Top Hat, oaf. Perhaps the same thing, from my experience."
"At least I still managed to get my homework done. I totally forgot that I had math homework due today!"
"And what a studious little filly you are, Sweetie. I'm rather proud that you took on the responsibility of keeping a schedule. It does wonders for busy ponies, you know."
Sweetie looked at her quizzically. "But you helped me with half of my homework."
"Oh, don't be so modest, Sweetie. We both know that you tackled the harder problems."
"Well, if you say so..." The schoolhouse bell rang, and the fillies and colts prancing about the playground rushed to the door, walking in single file as Cheerilee came out to greet them. "Oh, school's starting! I'll see you later, Rarity!"
"Have fun, dear!" Rarity waved at Sweetie as she dashed in behind Rumble, and gave a rushed salutation to the schoolteacher as the door closed behind her.
"Hah! Take that!" Sweetie gingerly levitated a skip card onto the pile, smirking at the pegasus filly who was next in line.
"Nooooooo!" Scootaloo slammed her cards onto the table face down, falling back into her chair with a huff. "This is the last time I play Rainbow with you guys."
"Don't be such a sore loser, Scoots." Apple Bloom took one card out of her hoof and slapped it onto the stack in the center of the table. "Rainbow!" She flaunted around her single remaining card as Sweetie looked over at Snails, who was the next player to go.
"Ehh..." He scrutinized his hoof, looking through the cards, until his eyes gleamed with decisiveness. "Aha! There we go! Plus four on you, Snips!"
"Aw, come on!" The pudgy pony levitated over another four cards from the deck into his hoof, which already held too many cards to count. "How do you keep getting those plus fours?!"
"I dunno, heh. But you need to get your hooves down soon, heheh!"
"And now it's back to me." Sweetie shuffled through her own cards, glancing furtively at Scootaloo. Would she be nice and give her a chance, by dropping down a number, or a new color? The decisions played through her mind as she weighed the options open to her, before taking a card menacingly and inching her hoof to the stack. Scootaloo's eyes followed her hoof, waiting for the verdict.
"Wanna bet, Scoots?"
The pegasus looked at the twenty-odd cards in her hooves. “I'm not so sure I'm a betting type.”
“Hmm... okay. Here's a two for you.”
“I’m going to get back at you for this, you know.” Scootaloo dropped a reverse card, and turned her attention to Apple Bloom. “You better let me get back at Sweets.”
“I’m going to win, remember?” Apple Bloom waved around her single card again.
“A riveting game of Rainbow, if I do say so myself.” Monocle sat off to the side, perusing a copy of the Foal Free Press with a grimace. “Looks like carrot cakes aren’t as popular this week. I’ll have to start bringing more chocolate to make up for the lack of trade.”
“Is that why I got so much carrot cake today?” Snips hoofed out a lunch box full of carrot cakes, and stared at them with a crestfallen gaze. “I traded all my sandwiches for carrot cake! The Press said it would be the next big thing!”
“Well, I suppose that teaches you not to take schoolyard economics seriously, especially when the writer of the schoolyard stocks section is a colt who couldn’t tell hay chips from hay fries.”
“That... is a crime unto itself.” Snips brought a hoof to his forehead in mock suspense as Apple Bloom tossed her last card onto the Rainbow stack with glee.
“Finally! I won!” The earth pony folded her hooves with smug superiority and took a look at her competitors. Snails and Snips were busy arguing over the shares of carrot cake they would eat after forfeiting from the game. Scootaloo refused to meet Apple Bloom’s eyes and held her head high in mock indignation, while Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes playfully.
“Cheerilee said we’d have the day off tomorrow, right? What do you girls want to do today?” Sweetie grabbed Apple Bloom’s winning card and grumbled. “A red four. I knew I should have put down a green.”
“Wait, we have the day off tomorrow? When did she say that?” Scootaloo gathered all the cards on the table into her hooves and deftly reorganized them into a deck, throwing a glance at Snips and Snails as they continued to bicker over the bag of cake.
“She said it during class today when you were sleeping, remember? Cheerilee has to catch up on some of the schoolwork that somepony turned in.”
“Oh right, Diamond Tiara.” Scootaloo snickered as she noticed the large stack of papers on Cheerilee’s desk. “Guess she’s using up all the late homework passes, huh?”
“All at once.” Sweetie sighed as she picked up an errant paper on the ground and laid it on the desk. “Looks like Miss Cheerilee’s swamped this week.”
“I dunno about tomorrow. Applejack’s gettin’ a new load of crates this week for organizin’ in the barn, so I wanna help her out.” Apple Bloom patted Sweetie and Scootaloo on the back, before bouncing out of the door. “And it starts in a few minutes! I’ll see y’all later!”
“Well that leaves two of us. What do you want to do, Scootaloo?” Sweetie frowned as Snails and Snips escalated their disagreements into a shouting match, a sentiment that even Monocle shared as he began to pack his own things up. “Ugh, take it outside, you two!”
“Or rather, perhaps we should speak outside, Sweetie. You and I.” Monocle motioned for Sweetie to follow him as he exited the schoolhouse, taking a seat at one of the table outside and relishing in the idyllic and calm outdoors.
Scootaloo buzzed past them on her scooter as they sat down. “See ya later, Sweets! Dash is going to practice soon, and I’m not going to miss out on her routines!”
“Well, that leaves... me. Alone on a day off. Again.” Sweetie lowered her head onto the table. This wasn’t the first time Scootaloo and Apple Bloom had run off on their own errands, but the loneliness was always there every time it happened. She disliked being left behind, but she also knew that she had an errand to finish on more than one occasion. Sulking about would do her no good.
Monocle cleared his throat, drawing Sweetie’s attention back to him. “Well, aside from the fact that you have a new mission, I believe I have some good news regarding your Zapping ability.”
“You’re not going to have me Zap more rocks, are you? The last one sort of blew up into a big magical dust cloud.”
Monocle laughed, a strange combination of high-class chuckling and guffawing. “Oh, no. Goodness, no. Wouldn’t you think it disappointing that your sole occupation in our organization is to Zap rocks? I suppose you could say you ‘blast’ rocks with your magic. Then perhaps ponies will think a little filly like you specializes in explosive demolition, despite the fact that you don’t have a cutie mark yet.”
“Oh. Right.” She turned to look glumly at her own blank flank.
“Anyways, we have a certain individual coming in to help you with magic. He usually works with the Royal Guard’s unicorns, but he’s made time to come down here to teach you.”
“Oh, really? Who is it?”
“He’s actually waiting for us at my home right now. Care to take a walk?”
“What kind of tea is this? It’s the only kind you ever drink.” Sweetie picked up her cup, steam rising over its top. As a filly, she preferred milkshakes to tea—really, any sugary beverage was preferable to boring, tasteless tea.
“To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what kind of tea it is, myself. Mother gave it to me one year, and I decided to just stick with it. ‘Don’t fix what ain’t broke,’ as the saying goes.” He took a long sip from his tea, before blowing air out of his mouth. “And I always drink it too early, as usual.”
“Hmm.” The taste of this particular tea didn’t bother her very much, so she decided to take dainty sips, making sure to minimize her slurping. Really wish this was a milkshake right now...
“Oh, the little missy is here!” Top Hat poked his head out from the office doorway, before turning back and nodding at someone inside. “Right.” Top Hat trotted out into the living room, and cleared his throat. “Sweetie Belle, I would like to introduce to you Equestria’s top trainer.”
A large, lumbering figure appeared in the doorway, twice as tall as a normal pony. As he walked into the light, Sweetie Belle could see that it wasn’t a pony—it was a minotaur, wearing a heavily stylized pair of sunglasses. He leaned on the doorway and snapped his fingers at Sweetie. “Yo.”
“You’re a minotaur. How are you going to help me with my magic?”
“Not about the magic, little lady.” He leapt over Top Hat and took the empty seat across from Sweetie, deftly pouring himself a cup of tea while throwing in a few sugar cubes. “It’s about control.”
“Control? But Twilight already taught me how to control my magic!”
“Nah, little lady. I’m not talking about control, I’m talking about control. Ya dig?” He held up his hands, miming a rectangle. “It’s like... like tea, ‘kay? You can learn how to control your tea drinking, but you can extend that control over things like how much you tilt your cup, so you can down the whole cup—” He raised his own cup high above his head and poured the tea into his mouth. “—or you can drink really slow-like. Not as fast, but you get a steady flow of tea.”
“Oh, I get it. It’s like that stuff I read in the schoolbooks! Is that really all you get paid to do?”
The minotaur let out a loud, hearty laugh that shook the walls of the Hat residence. “No way, little lady! You think I’d get paid for something any random schmuck off the street could tell you? What I get paid for isn’t telling you all these wise tales, little lady. It’s translating them into the real world, into practical things. I’m going to teach you how to focus your magical energy so you don’t have to use something like a dumb rock to reach your true power!”
“This sounds like something really exhausting.” Sweetie Belle was quite dubious of the minotaur’s enthusiasm. Monocle paid their conversation no heed as continued consuming his cookies; Top Hat had retreated into his office yet again, not too unlike a spider with a beret on his head, and a distaste for tacky house furniture.
“Nah. It’s not exhausting at all, little lady. It’s mostly meditative stuff, and things like that. That’s what focus is all about, and by the time today is over you’ll be in tip-top shape, or my name isn’t Battle Ready! Huh! Yeah!” He struck a few dramatic poses with his arm muscles, before jumping to the living room window. “Come on, Sweetie Belle! First test is right here! I want you to Zap the daylights out of this window, yeah!”
“That was pretty cool, little lady.” Battle Ready sat in the living room, which was now devoid of any furniture. The two sat on cushions in the center of the room to make way for Sweetie’s Zapping meditation. Four portraits leaned against the corners of the room, each of them a black-and-white rendition of famous paintings.
“Okay, little lady. Last test is right here. Remember what you learned the past few hours, and you’ll turn these things into true knock-offs in no time flat!”
“Right, right. Well, here goes.” Sweetie took a deep breath, clearing her mind and focusing on the painting in front of her. When in doubt, clear it out...
Being a filly, concentrating was a particularly hard task for Sweetie Belle to handle. Battle Ready spent much time getting her to sit still, which was vitally important when sneaking around trying to lay down the “hoo-hah-hee-hah-hoo” on unsuspecting enemies, as the minotaur had put it.
Visualize the target, and maintain your focus... A real warrior is always situationally aware, Battle Ready said. To assume the worst in battle would mean to expect an attack from any direction, and a good warrior knows how to dodge, at least. Advanced techniques like blocking didn’t apply to Sweetie, so it allowed him to concentrate on more important things.
Like the aforementioned dodging.
“Rocks ahoy!” Battle Ready hefted an armful of stones and flung them haphazardly at the filly. “Stay frosty, little lady! Sometimes ponies might decide to throw things randomly at you!”
“What?!” With her concentration split between focusing on dancing around and focusing her magic, the glow on her horn stuttered a bit and threw a few errant sparks around the room.
“Focus, little lady!” Battle Ready leveled his arm awkwardly and threw another rock, sending it straight into a window. “Oops. Uh, no one saw that, right?”
“Gah!” Sweetie dodged a rock that flew past her mane. “This is really getting crazy!”
“It ain’t crazy until the pies start flying, little lady! That’s when it gets real serious!” The glow from Sweetie’s horn was glaringly bright now, casting a light green glow around the room. “Almost there, missy! Just keep at it, and remember to Zap-zing-za-zow the daylights out of the paintings!”
“Here goes!” Sweetie recalled her lessons with Twilight, and how she focused her own magic. The Element of Magic was very erudite, and her experience with saving Equestria gave more than enough material on how to cast properly, safely, and efficiently. Twilight Sparkle had passed on these lessons to Sweetie Belle, and the filly emulated what she envisioned in her mind.
A beam of light shot out from her horn, smashing into the painting and splitting off to hit the other three paintings. This was beyond expectations! Granted, the beam splitting off was a bit unexpected, but she was happy with the result. Could the Zap possibly read her intent, and act accordingly? The utility of such an ability was quite convenient!
The paintings absorbed the magic like a sponge, until the room was again bathed in the colors of the afternoon sun. Sweetie Belle fell back onto her haunches and took a breather while Battle Ready picked up the nearest painting, examining it with a squint.
“Hmm... oh, yeah. Yeah. That’s awesome. Yeah.” He took off his shades with his left hand, and moved the painting away from him with his right. “Oh, yeah! That’s definitely how it looked, I think. Well, before I totally ruined it.”
“Ruined it?” Sweetie looked at the painting as Battle Ready placed it on the ground. “Are you saying that you actually ruined some art?”
“I was a loose cannon back in the day. Let’s just say if it wasn’t for that one thing, I wouldn’t be helping train the Equestrian guards. Either way, little lady, you are totally ready. As much as I’d like to help you a bit more, I’m afraid that’s some stuff a filly shouldn’t know.”
“Stuff like what?”
“Oh, you know...” He put his shades back on, and held up a hand. “The Zebrican-style hand chop... of death.”
“But zebras have hooves, not hands.”
“Aside from the point, little lady. What I’m getting at here is... you’re ready.” He brought out a strange, ornate magnifying glass and held it up to the painting. “Oh, yeah. That’s definitely permanent, yep. Now you got your staying power, and your stopping power! Huh! Yeah!” He dramatically struck a few poses as he put the glass away in a backpack.
“So this is it? I can finally Zap things permanently now, without using a dumb rock?”
“That’s right. And my job here is done. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a cadre of guards up in Trottingham that needs to shape up! Battle Ready, out!”
Sweetie could only watch on, partly out of amazement and partly out of horror, as he smashed through the already damaged window onto some sort of motorized bike. The engine whirred to life with magical energies, before propelling the vehicle down the road and over the horizon in less than a few seconds.
“We’ll be doing this operation at night, Sweetie Belle. Gummy will be supportin’ you again, as he has on the previous operations. Monocle and I, unfortunately, must remain in our homes in order to give the impression that we’re actually a family and totally not secret agents or anythin’ like that.” Top Hat slid a folder across the table into Sweetie’s hooves.
“So I’ll be able to spend my day off with Rarity?”
“That was the intent, yes. I understand that our previous outing may have given you the wrong impression, so this one should be relatively easy. The target is a house on the south side of Ponyville, near Quills and Sofas. Gummy will be using a zipline to get you and himself into the second story of the building. Beyond that, we don’t have any intelligence, so just keep an eye out for anything suspicious.”
“Okie dokie lokie, sir!” Her domino mask was slightly damaged after sailing out of the sky a few days ago, but Rarity had quickly patched it up.
Sweetie bounced out of the front door, finding Gummy waiting outside with a crossbow and a matte-black bag on his back. He also sported a black jumpsuit very similar to Pinkie Pie’s, complete with goggles, and awkwardly tugged on the straps hefting the load to his back.
“You know, Gummy, sometimes I wonder if you get your fashion sense from Pinkie Pie, or if she gets it from you.”
The alligator simply shrugged and trotted down the mostly empty streets of Ponyville as the sun dipped below the horizon. It was the perfect time to strike, since everypony was either eating or enjoying their evening, as evidenced by the multitude of homes they passed. Ponies within were settling down and unwinding after a busy day, with the exception of the foals.
A day off from school was not something a foal wasted away.
Within a few minutes, Gummy and Sweetie found themselves outside of Quills and Sofas, now dark and devoid of the sole employee who worked there. Inside was not where they needed to go, as Gummy continued moving along the silent streets towards another building a block down.
Sweetie waited in the bushes as Gummy hopped up to the front window of a seemingly random house, peeking inside with little care for his appearance. After staring inside for a few seconds, he leapt off his perch and dashed for an alley on the other side of the road, before climbing a tower of crates onto the roof next to the alley, perfectly situated to secure a zipline.
The filly also maintained operational silence—Top Hat had told her that sometimes it was better to just not talk—and watched as her partner pulled out his crossbow and aimed it for the window of their target home, before pulling it up a few degrees and landing a shot above the glass.
After making sure the rope was secure, Gummy pointed to Sweetie Belle, then the roof they stood on. Sweetie nodded hesitantly; reading Gummy’s visual cues was difficult at first, but they were very simple and generally easy to deduce, like holding a position.
Following some strange tussling with a slightly loose rope, Gummy inched his way across the line, and found a way to open the window without breaking it, allowing the duo to get inside the house to find its interior dimly lit. A candle here and there were their only companions, and the home was strangely silent despite the fact it resided in the more lively part of Ponyville.
“Shh. Do you hear that, Gummy?” Sweetie whispered.
The alligator stopped, hearing Sweetie’s inquiry, and waited for any nuance of noise to present itself in the silence. Sure enough, there was muted chatter coming through the floorboards, followed by a series of banging noises.
Reaching the bottom of the stairwell, the two could see the front door was blocked off with a dresser, an armoire, and a flowerpot. To the side, there were two closed doors, both of which had sounds coming from within. Gummy motioned Sweetie Belle to take the door on the left, while he took the one on the right.
“I’m telling you, this is dumb. You’re dumb.” Voices came through Sweetie’s door.
“I’m dumb? Who was the guy who said that the wallpaper was too garish for him?”
“I am. I’m not an idiot, but I didn’t expect you go and do this!”
“Uh, do we really have to fight?” a third voice chimed up.
“Fight? This is fighting? I’ve gotten into scuffles worse than this.”
“Scuffles are the worst you can handle. Remember last month at the bar?”
“Don’t remind me.” The original two resumed their feuding as a sigh escaped the third.
Sweetie heard a crash coming from the other door. Gummy had bashed the door off its hinges, sending a few wood splinters around the doorway and dashed inside. There was much yelling and evidence of a scuffle, so she turned back to the door and gave it a strong buck.
The door swung open to reveal three confused looking stallions, one of which was holding a strange wand in his mouth. The room had lost most of its color, and only a few ornaments maintained their coloring.
“Hold it right there!” Sweetie shouted at the three stallions, which only confused them even more.
“Is this that filly the others were talking about?” one muttered to the wand holder.
“I don’t care what they say, dude. I’m not going to hit a filly,” the third stallion replied.
“Well, I’m not going to hit a filly either!”
The wand holder spat out his instrument. “Look, we’re not going to hit a filly, okay?” He turned to Sweetie with a smile, and leaned down to look at her eye-to-eye. “Look, we’d really appreciate it if you could like, leave. Or something. Pretty, pretty please?”
“You’re using that wand to Grey-ify the whole room!”
“Well, yeah. On top of the fact that it looks pretty nice, the Grey will eventually dominate Equestria! Mwahahahaha!” A light bulb outside the window popped in response to his cheesy evilness.
“You monster!” Sweetie Belle started to charge her beam, until she was interrupted by a hoof the shoulder. She turned around and saw a stallion and two mares giving her a level expression. The sounds of fighting were still coming from the other room... was this house actually the headquarters?!
“Little filly, I don’t think you should be in here.”
“I know what I’m doing here!” She really, really hoped that Gummy would finish his fight and help her out... very soon.
“Look, there’s a door in the back, okay?” A chime sound rang out as the wand pony resumed his actions, hitting a rainbow pot with its magic.
Sweetie dashed between the stallion’s legs, hoping to edge her way to the other room, but one of the mares caught her. “Hey, let me go!”
“You really shouldn’t be here, filly.” Adult ponies had never looked so menacing to her in her life! Gummy was busy, and now she was going to get thrown out! Or worse, busted!
Just as the mare started down the hallway of the dim home, the window in the room smashed open. The sudden influx of air snuffed out the candles in the hallway, leaving the home in darkness. A figure flew into the room and threw a haymaker at the closest stallion’s face, sending him careening into a pile of boxes.
“Who the hay is this?!” The other two ponies in the room turned to face this new figure, unsure of their strength. The two others that came with the mare carrying Sweetie Belle joined the fight, throwing punches and attempting to buck the stranger, which ultimately proved futile as the newcomer was far more agile than any of them thought.
Sweetie’s vision was again filled with the darkened hallway as the mare tried to get away from the fight. The filly could see that the mare’s friends didn’t stand up very well to the stranger, who was obviously proficient in martial arts, and decided to flee instead. As they passed by Gummy’s room, Sweetie could see a stallion on the ground out cold, with one standing off to the side horrified out of his wits as his compatriot fought Gummy’s grip on his mane with an iron jaw.
Gummy was very good at fighting dirty, it seemed.
The mare reached the back door, Sweetie held by the cape in her mouth. The door swung open, and the chilly night’s air flowed past them, eliciting a shudder from them both. Sweetie struggled helplessly, as the mare made off with her through the backyard garden. Oh Celestia, she’d heard about something like this before. She was getting foalnapped!
“Let me go, you big dummy!” Sweetie swung her hooves around, hoping to land a hit hard enough to get released.
“Calm down, will you?!” the mare muttered through her teeth.
A loud swooshing sound echoed from the alley behind them, and an impact knocked the mare off her hooves. Sweetie Belle stood back up after tumbling a bit, and looked down the alley. Gummy stood at the backyard gate and gave her a thumbs up before heading back into the home, leaving Sweetie alone with the stranger, who was standing over the fleeing mare.
“I don’t know who you are, but you’re going to pay for this! You and the alligator!”
She was met with a swift punch from the stranger to the face, knocking her unconscious. Sweetie froze when the stranger turned to face her, and trotted out into the moonlight of the alley. The figured was covered from head to hoof in a stylized dark purple outfit, complete with mask over the face and signature hat, which Sweetie Belle recognized as...
“Y-you’re Mare Do Well.” She remembered what had happened a while back with Rainbow Dash’s showboating, but this was impossible! She knew that her sister had discarded all of costumes, so how could there be one here? Or perhaps... was Mare Do Well an actual pony all along, and it was entirely coincidental that Twilight Sparkle and the rest of her friends dressed up as her?
Was Mare Do Well actually part of the Chromatic Coalition? Gummy didn’t seem to mind her at all.
Mare Do Well patted Sweetie on the head, nudging the filly with her muzzle to move back to the house and join Gummy, who was again standing outside. He had a length of rope around his shoulder, as well as the bound and unconscious forms of the ponies in the house next to him.
Sweetie wordlessly obliged, and watched as Mare Do Well dashed out of the alley across the street, and leapt gracefully onto the rooftop of a nearby home, before vanishing into the night. Gummy clapped his claws together, as if to say “job well done,” before tapping Sweetie on the shoulder and pointing back inside the house.
She simply nodded and walked back into the grey room, brow furrowing in thought as she began charging her Zap. This job was getting weirder and weirder for her. Why was Mare Do Well here? Who was the pony underneath the mask?
And most importantly of all, how could she get awesome fighting moves like Mare Do Well?
<Marks for Read later because of a nagging pony> Soon....
Yay! Mare do well is back!
10 bits says it's Luna!
If gems can act as batteries here, I think it would be easier for all parties involved to make Zap Bombs. Toss one in, activate, capush.
I get the feeling all this stuff is just a really elaborate prank that Rarity is pulling on Sweetie or something. I just can't shake that feeling.
There's only one pony I know who can kick some flank.
"hoo hah hee hah hoo" isn't that gorilla speak for "jane stay with tarzan"
1828509 agreed
1828509
20 bits says it's Rarity. She's been acting a little strange lately. She'll tear you to pieces.
1829475 30 bits this is just a nonsensical war that Celestia and Luna are having to relieve the boredom and overall stress of ruling a nation.
What if its a ploy for Top Hat to romance Rarity
30 bits for Rarity. She was always surprisingly good at fighting on the show.
I'd say it's Rarity too, watching out for her sister. And she's got the moves.
I'm waiting for Nega-Sweetie or Nega-Mare Do Well... From an alternate dimension where everyone is the opposite and Grey covers nearly whole world. It would make for an epic Arc, now that I think about it!
Seems interesting... I think I shall have a look at this when I can.
(Sorry for the insubstantial comment - I hate them too. Just wanted to let you know I haven't read it yet on the chance my next comment contains [constructive] criticism.)
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Well, I'll be waiting for your response. I know my story isn't perfect, and I'm not going to turn down constructive criticism.
Mare-Do-Well is Rarity. I'm calling it.
1836925 That sounds badass.
And yeah, it's Rarity, I can already tell.
Hmm... you know I'm... honestly not sure what to say about this story so far. I think I want to like it a lot more than I do.
Which is not to say I dislike it. I'm actually enjoying it a fair bit. You've got a very interesting premise, pretty engaging events, and you have kids that act like kids - mostly. That's not an easy thing to do for a lot of writers. But I think that's honestly kind of the problem, because while you have a really, really good premise and plot, the story just... isn't that grand on a technical level.
See, there are few things that you actually do badly. You often have troubles with voice - that is, the characters don't always feel like themselves, particularly the CMC. Rarity always feels consistent in her character, and feels like Rarity, and Twilight feels like Twilight well enough when she appears, but the CMC just don't feel right. Considering they're your main character and her supporting characters, this is sort of an issue.
I wish I could point you to some sort of magical cure-all for that, but alas there really isn't one. Voice is a collection of actions and reactions, tiny things they do that, while at the time they may not seem incongruous, add up to something odd. It's things like Sweetie going along with pranking DT, when the CMC have never made a move in that direction ever before(with the exception of Babs recently, who was seeking them out to torture them instead of just kinda being jerks when the opportunity arose), and Sweetie is by far the most likely member of the trio to object to this. True she's never afraid to stand up for herself, but she's never really shown aggressiveness before. Applebloom's accent is another mild example, in that some of it is translated phonetically but other elements aren't, making it seem as though she has a different accent(ie. I is always written as such, as opposed to the Ah sound she makes in the show)
Happily, that's the only thing about the story I can bring myself to call bad, and even then it's really only mildly distracting. This sort of thing isn't what we normally see in the show, so while Sweetie feels a bit off at times it never feels like a huge deal because it's a situation that would easily throw her off, and all of the characters remain internally consistent aside from development - which is, of course, a good thing. UNhappily, there's a few other things I can say that are... not bad, but not good.
Your prose is the thing that leaps out at me most... largely because it doesn't. Or isn't. It feels dull at the best of times, and absent at the worst. Dialogue is often troubling because you have no actions around it, making it feel as though the characters are standing stock still while they speak. Worse still, you often don't assign dialogue tags at all, which makes the dialogue confusing as I can lose track of who's saying what. I often find myself mixing up the characters in longer conversations, in fact. Even outside of dialogue, your prose is very simple, only saying precisely what's happening, and even then it can often be confusing as to WHAT is happening due to phrasing.
Prose isn't what makes a storyteller, but it is what makes an author. Take Tolkein - wonderful stories, terribly dry novels. You have sort of the opposite of his problem. Where he describes too much, you don't describe enough. The settings the story takes place in feel drab and boring, and the events feel quick at times I'd like the story to linger. You lose out on a lot of opportunities for mood setting, which is something that I think considering will help you out a lot. Consider the scene in Quills and Sofas in this chapter - this is a moment before a very big fight, perhaps a moment of respite and reflection for our heroine. by describing the environment to us, you can make us feel what Sweetie is feeling. Is she apprehensive? Describe the store in a way that feels a bit spooky. Is she tensed for the mission to come? Make the store feel still and quite.
Of course this doesn't explain HOW to write better prose, for which I apologize. There are common sort of tropes in prose, universal descriptors and tricks, but they're often basic and good prose is ultimately personal to the author. The best thing I can advise is to try and put yourself into the scene, and try to focus on what you feel. A strong emotional response can often be physical - if you wanted the store to feel spooky, you could say that the air was cold, that sort of thing. Associating different shivers.
Prose and voice are your biggest issues. Those aside, I feel like a lot of what you're doing is good. I think you make a few odd story decisions - for example having Top Hat go on about how talkative Gummy is but then making him a major character. We expect him to speak, but he never does. Talking about how he goes on, but then having him never appear, keeps the joke intact because we don't have him in front of us to expect something from him, it just becomes a joke at the expense of a setting(A tad common one I might add, but those are acceptable with good execution). But, these sorts of things mostly appear in the first couple of chapters before you start to catch your stride.
Past chapter two I began to really, really enjoy your story. I began to want to read more chapters, wheras the first two I was extremely lukewarm on at best. I can see now you have a very, very good story here, but I just can't help but feel that it's a good story trapped inside of an ultimately mediocre execution. You've improved over the little you have though, so I'm sure it's possible for you to improve it, and I'd like to see that happen quite a bit. Which is why I've given such a... imposing comment, I'm sure.
And I do apologize for the size of it, especially since it was entirely unrequested. I wouldn't blame you if you took me as a long-winded blowhard and wrote me off entirely, to be honest. But I will say again, that for whatever it's worth amongst my criticisms, I AM enjoying the story, and technical flaws aside that counts for a lot.
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Thank you for responding. I was actually wondering when you were going to comment again.
I agree with your points, especially the part about dialogue. I used to think I had a good grasp on the way they spoke, but schoolchildren are of a different mindset than I'm used to, and I think it's starting to stand out. I actually enjoy writing Rarity a lot, and thanks to that she's actually gone up in my list of favorite ponies (she used to be quite near the bottom, I am ashamed to say). Perhaps there's a correlation between enjoying your writing, and the quality of said writing? Either way, I'm sure I need to brush up on the personalities of the CMC a bit more. Maybe analyzing their episodes is a bit much, but I think I can learn a bit more from their interactions.
Prose is also another aspect I am sadly lacking in. While I would like to say that I have a better grasp at it than most, I don't think it's quite along enough for me to make that assumption. Pacing is another thing I am learning to juggle, as well as descriptors—I think I left that in one of the author's notes, actually. Describing things properly is—by far—one of my worst writing talents, and it doesn't particularly help that I feel overly conservative with word length. I appear to detest long sentences, it would seem. I've been trying to read around, and I've actually been reading since I've joined the fimfiction. Clearly I've a lot more reading to do, though I actually don't read much outside of pony fanfiction.
I've been trying to put myself into the scene, but it's been difficult for me. I don't usually like to pull this card, but I actually haven't written anything longer than a few hundred for at least a year before I came to fimfiction. I was always a more mathematically-minded person, so it never actually occurred to me that I should brush up on my writing, and in that vein most techniques that most veteran authors are familiar with are not as obvious to me. I think it stands out in all my works, but practice definitely helps.
I appreciate your critique, and I thank you for reading my story. At this point the only thing I'd say I have a very good grasp on is spelling, and your review is really enlightening for me.
And, lastly—am I actually underdoing Apple Bloom's accent, in being selective of which parts of it to use? Talking to some other writers, the consensus appears to be not to overdoing it, and I didn't want to risk Apple Bloom speaking some strange alien dialect.
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Answering in reverse order, because I'm cool like that: There's a difference between not overdoing an accent and underdoing it. It's a good thing to not want to overdo the accent, of course - bear in mind, Applebloom's accent isn't even that thick to begin with. If you overdid it to the point where it was unintelligible then it wouldn't be like the show in that regard, either. Y'all c'd take it s'far as it c'd go n'still make it read, y'see? Still, a balance is good. Ah tend t'figure plain' up a few of the harder sounds'll do the trick. Honestly the only thing that really jumps out at me in yours is the use of I, since the Ah sound is one of the most clear in their accent. While I dislike shilling my own work, I've been told my story "They Never Fall Far" pulls it off fairly well.
As for the rest, prose and pacing are by far the hardest parts of writing, honestly. Descriptions are tricky to even remember to do for a lot of people, let alone make good, and what defines good pacing changes from moment to moment, chapter to chapter, story to story. The only thing I can really advise is to read as much as you can. I was raised on books, and devoured them obsessively in my childhood, and so I learned to write by simply absorbing the style of the novels. Of course you've already hit on this yourself, which is good, so I'd simply suggest popping down into your local library and picking up something and going from there. Personally I recommend Ray Bradbury.
As for sentence length... that's actually something I've been butting up against in my own writing in the opposite direction, so I'll pass along some of the advice I've gotten: Any sentence can be as long or short as you like on two conditions: One, it is grammatically correct(IE. no sentence fragments except in speech), and Two, it flows with the story. A sentence can be short, and that can work, but doing sentences that are too short and too frequent. Length doesn't have much to do with descriptors. Just pop in some adjectives and the like, and try and feel it out from there I suppose.
Hopefully any of this is helpful, and I'm not just rambling on at you about things you already know.
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Oddly enough, the "Ah" is one of the few aspects of the accent I don't feel like using. It seems... strange, to me. I think I might start incorporating it in my later fics, since I'm still on the fence about it. I thought simply replacing the 'g' in words would suffice for the accent, but that makes it very underwhelming. Some of what you said I have heard before, and some I haven't. Either way, I think it does make a difference that someone else says it to you rather than you saying it to yourself. It has a different impact that way.
I think I might actually have some free time this year, so I'll look into picking up a few books.
This story is still going, and it is consistently amusing. Yay!
(Back from holiday hiatus. Unreliable internet didn't help)
A agree with previous comments, the mysterious Mare Do Well is probably Rarity.
I believe the word you are looking for is: evidenced
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It looks like my proofreader has went full retard, then. He argued to me for about half an hour that eviced was a word.
Either way, I changed it to evidenced.
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"Evident" is also a viable option in this situation.
Eviced, however, is not a word (Not according to google chrome spell-check).
Evicted is. But that means something completely different.
I only mention evicted because that's the word that my brain registered the first time I read that sentence, and the jarring change in subject made me look closer at the word.