I am a brony. I like warhammer. I play vidya games. I read frequently. Guess what? I also hate talking about myself.
While following a chaos ship, the Blood Raven Crucius Marx gets stranded on Equestria. He starts to acclimate to his new environment. However, when everything starts to go pear-shaped he'll have to choose sides. to fight for the Imperium or, save the world he has come to love.
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You ALWAYS have to start a new paragraph when someone new talks. Also, you're paragraphs are too long. They're problems I see all the time, so no shame in getting it wrong the first time.
Right, before I even try to read this I'm giving you advice right off the bat.
AVOID THE WALLS OF TEXT!!! They are evil and every bad if you want people to actually read the story. Shorten them and then I'll give it a read. I'm sure others fell the same way.
1409491 Thanks man I'll try and get to proofreading soon. I was about too hit the hay but I'll fix up the first chapter as best I can.
1409501 I tried to proofread chapter one a bit before bed. Any better?
I am amused by this, besides a few errors here and there {Wall of text} anormal fault in a dozen writers. This is interesting and readable, but Ican't help but notice, it seems a little rushed? Like things move on to quickly? It may be just me, but anyway i am amused by this.
Eh, pretty good, I guess.I still dont think Marx should be trusting of these Xenos... AT ALL. A space marine's duty is too kill xenos.
1410131 I agree with spitfly space marines are primarily used to eliminate xenon because the imperium thinks that all sentient creatures other than humans are impure and should be killed also WHY ARE THE CHARACTERS SUPER SHALLOW YOU MUST MAKE THEM MORE IN DEPTH
1410280 Of course, if said author were to explain this... Like meybe, Twi finds out what space marines do, and Marx is all like "Nah breh,we let untainted xenos live n'shit as long as they haz t3h puzzie"
1409840 To be honest this was written in about three hours per chapter. As time goes on I'll edit it to seem less rushed.
1410131 I'll expand the distrust to about the end of the first chapter. Part of it is the fact he's a blood raven who never really accepted the Emporer as a god. That and he's ancient enough to remember the great Imperial truth. He kinda cruises doing what he's ordered. I'll put this in the story as soon as I can implement it well.
And to everyone thanks for the tip. They really help, and I want to get better. Imma cry at your positiveness
.
This is really good and...
OH SHITZ BLOOD RAVENS ARE COMING
1443190 Hey man thanks. I've been proofing this since I started and finally got it ti a semi-respectable state. Glad to know my hard work entertained somepony.
I'm loving the story so far! Can't wait to see what happens!
As for your style, keep up the good work!
1659639 Thank's, I always appreciate a good word.
MAJOR NUCLEAR SHITSTORM ALERT
(Insert pics of shitstorms below)
1676145 why? Is it because it's a crossover, or does my writing suck enough for shitstorm's. Possibly due to the TwiMac being insinuated? Stop me whenever.
1676149sorry I ment that since the blood ravens won't like their champion staying on a xeno planet the are going to kill him as we'll as all the ponies
1679344 Wait and see. This guy's been around since the Horus Heresy. He didn't earn his champion-ness by pluckin' daisies.
1659682 I'm so sorry, I forgot to reply to this.
Anyways, Thank you for reading this, and taking the time to comment. You are awesome, good sir. 
i've enjoyed this story since its been up and i must say great job
1779721 Thank you very much, I always like some feedback.
I feel empty
The first fanfiction I continually read is now wrapping up 
What now?! 
1911654 If I may suggest a few. If you like the warhammer feel read Emperors child in Equestria, the story background pony is also very good, finally I suggest progress. I'll out them on my favorites so you can reach them on my page. Second;y my second major work is in the chute, so there's that. Finally, thank you so much. That comment may not seem like much, but it makes me feel hella good.
1911694 i loved ECiE
But it got cancelled 
And I will check out your next work as soon as I can 
Battle Brothars!
Spehss Mahrens, todeh the enemeh is at oua doar! We know oua duteh and we will do eet. We fight for our honor as Blod Rehvens,
as SPESS MAHRENS, and we fight in the nehme of the Empra!
1913162 Did an orc just infiltrate our camp and try to fool us into thinking he's a space marine? Ah well, if he'll fight with us we'll purge him after the battle.
1913170 We are the spehss mahrens! WE ARE THE EMPRA'S FUREH!1d4chan.org/wiki/File:Baldeale.jpg
1913179 2/10 would not die for that comander. I'll follow helmets that I never see the face of into battle. It keeps morale up.
1913189 WE HAVE FEHLD
Sequel
1913741 There will be a second epilogue of sorts, but no sequel at the moment. However, the next story in my list takes place in the same continuum as this story, with a cameo by the big man himself. So there's that.
1409840 Haha. you're complaining about some faults, and you say "anormal".
The ponies adjusted to a 9-foot tall super soldier designed to kill things rather quickly. There are countless other plot-holes (giggity), and for that, I am afraid I must part. Can you PM me if you edit the story?
2403731 The quick adjustment is due to my view on the ponies personalities. In my form of their world they adjust normally to things humans couldn't adjust to. A human would take something like this with fear and anger, hiwever a being of innocence would be more likely to feign towards acceptance.
2403731 Screw it, I have decided to suck it up and read it dammit! I'm not letting a good Warhammer 40K crossover go to waste!
Blood Ravens... I'm sorry Equestria... But you're bucked...
I was expecting Mech to spew his coffee all over the room at the sight of Marx.
Also, isn't Marx the name of the final boss in Kirby Super Star Ultra?
I have spied quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but other than that, it's pretty good!
Marx needs to fight his own battle-brothers?
NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED!!!! I've always wanted to say that...
Here you go.
Blood Ravens insignia eh? That is possibly the most badass cutie mark ever.
2436379 I was actually thinking karl Marx since equestria is a perfect communist society.
At least I'm not the only one who thinks Discord is Tzeentchian.
2487652 It's the on;y possible choice really.
Not bad. A few typos, and it sounds slightly like it was narrated or you used a set of random actions and picked one at a few places, but it's otherwise a decent start.
I can't really critique on the Warhammer accuracy, since I've only read a few of the books about Commisar Gaunt, but it seems fair. I don't know what the MC would be doing being towed by a heretical ship, though.
Scootaloo has the wrong gender in a few places.