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Deemed a traitor by the God Empress Celestia, Twilight Sparkle must now flee for her life to escape her inevitable execution. In hot pursuit by Celestia's minions, Twilight discovers a cave where an ancient creature has been kept prisoner for over a millennium.
... oh shit... you actually... your like the greatest ever! seriously! that was exactly where i got that whole cave idea from! xD your pretty awesome, you know that? well i hope i won't disappoint then!
ah... sorry to be a bummer... I've just never been to fond of her and I rather use her as the villain than starting to make an OC... but there will be other ponies in this story that has also been turned into villains... i don't hope its all your favored ones... then your gonna hate me for life xD
Meh I'm running off borrowed awsome mainly because I was born in 1986, I mean Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda were created that year!
Also Thanks, I'm just glad i was able to spot a refrence to a show I haven't seen for so long.
I doubt you'll let any of us down Fyren, You seem to be a rather talented writer given the two hurtles you work with whenever you write in English, and to be honest I'm a native speaker and I'm a horrible typest as you can tell when i really geek out and start rambling.
Hey it's nice to see a fellow dane on here.
I just wanted to say that if you suffer from dyslexia then it's pretty hard to notice, not that I'm the best at spotting such things but still...
And that I really like the way the plot 'seems' to go (no knowing if it turns out the way I think though).
Also, even though your next excam is half a year from now, I'll wish you good luck.
Keep up the good writing. It's certainly promising.
>>652573 not to worry, there shall be! but when? i really can't say as i have some other things in the oven, and also when the 2nd chapter comes out you really shouldn't be expecting a 3rd one to follow after it soonish as i'm a little stuck with what i want to do with this story pass chapter 2.
The cover art reminds me alot of
So yea....i going to read this.
It just seemed so sudden, what was nightmare moons motivation for molesting Twilight? Obviously it was to siphon off power when touching horns, but that doesn't explain why she'd kiss her ect. Seems to me like your writing a more plot driven story then character driven. You should probably try and see inside the minds of the characters and wonder what they would do, what their motivations and personalities are like ect.
Still liked it.
hm... yeah, when i get back to this story my plan was to do some editing to this chapter before adding the next one, and i did wonder a bit about that myself after i re-read my story, it was like... huh... why would she even need to kiss her if she already siphon the power from her horn? i mean... she was suppose to kiss her to siphon her magic, why both? i guess i will think of something clever or just edit it out for it to make more sense, i just wanted a kiss in there for Twilight to have some awkward moments with NMM <3
and regarding the plot / character development, yes... you are 100 % correct, i really wanted this story to be plot driven and then by the actions of what they do tell you (the reader) who they are, instead of that "going into other people minds" thing, but there will be more character development, but it was on purpose that i did this, there is nothing like suspense and secrets to make sure people will keep on reading, a very cheap trick maybe... :P but yeah i know i need to give people more to go on along the way... suspense doesn't last FOREVER!
and thank you for your comment, i love comments like these as they help me improve my work <3
>>784544 as to why celestia wants twilight dead? who knows... you'll just have to follow the story to find out! when i get back to it ofc :P but yes, everything will be explain as the story goes on, its a little something called "suspense" :D
>>784547 well... yes and no... i can't really say to much without spoiling something, but it would have been better without the tear on Luna's side of the face, that would have fitted the story far better (at least with that i got planned for the story), that or both sides should have been crying...
>>1536717 Hehe, thanks! It's always nice to feel that something you made is being liked (even more so when you like it yourself, unlike some of my other stories, which I aren't all that proud of...) but not to worry! This story will go on! I Just feel a little to inadequate to do the 2nd chapter justice ATM, which is why I want to finish my other stories before I go back to this one.
Not a bad story. I do hope the obvious Tenchi Muyo scene... (I hesitate to use the word rip-off because it implies lack of talent) homages taper off soon... if this ever gets picked up again... 'cause, you know it's been nearly a year. If this story were cheese in the back of the refrigerator, it would have consumed the shelf with mold by now. 
>>1666876 I've always really liked the first episode of the Tenchi Muyo OVA (seen it 11 times or such) and after I saw it for the first time I thought it would be a really good show but I have to admit that I didn't really like any of the other episodes after the first one (sadly)... the only thing I liked about that show (beside the first episode) is Ryoko (I really dislike Tenchi) I thought she was pretty awesome, so bash and yet quite sensitive. I considered making a similar hunt screen between Twilight and the dark Alicorn but it felt stupid to me because it isn't like Twilight carried some ancient weapon that the Alicorn would want from her... so i skipped that idea... plus it would have become to much of a "rip-off" if i did so :D anyway, what i'm trying to say is that the Tenchi Muyo "homage" is the first chapter and the first chapter only. I know the story hasn't had a lot of updates (that being none whatsoever) but it's not dead, i got like 8k words of notes for this story that i have written down after I finished the first chapter, I got some other stories I want to finish/kill-off before I get back to this one, in hopes to ensure some good quality :) also that cheese comment made me laugh <3
>>1679290 >>1758683 >>1893209 >>2040312
its been a year already? how frightening! it only feels like i made this some months ago... time passes much to quickly for my taste :( i'm sorry that i haven't done much with this but it isn't canceled, i very much intent to continue and finish this, but like i've posted more than once in my blog is that i really want to finish my other stories first because i've way to many half assed or unfinished stories uploaded her and i have to admit i seem to mix some elements from some of them together, so for the quality of this story i intent to write it without any side projects getting in the way (maybe beside a one-shot here and there) but there is also the writers block i've had for some time (and that i'm lazy as fuck) which had gotten in the way (not to mention my education has stepped up a notch and become that more difficult). when this story will pick up again, i really can't say, i got a lot to write both for this one and the others. i apologize for the inconvenience but sadly this story will not see an update anytime soon, i'm sorry but i do it for the benefit of all my stories. i hope this clear up a bit of the silence from my side.
>>2297771 you say "near" then I'll probably have to say no. this story will be my "epic" which is why i haven't written much on it, chapter 2 is pretty much done but i want to edit it and chapter 1 somewhat when i decide the overall tone of the later chapters (been putting a lot of thought into the future of this story), so my current plan is to finish all my other stories i got going atm before i'll carry on with this one. but rest assured that it will continue, when? i can't say.
Not sure where you wanted corrections or not, I hope these help.
she fought her way through the harsh wilderness she wondered
"Wander" would be the correct word, "wonder" means more to whimsically think.
the forest on its own was unusual dark
"Unusually", English is weird stuff.
her now former mentor, Celestia, she thought with an overwhelming sadness in her little pony heart.
Not quite sure, but you may want a semi-colon between these two words.
she began to slide over the slippery watery grass.
A comma is used to separate adjectives in this case.
She went through bushes which branches cut into her flesh
May I suggest this be changed to, "She fell through the bushes, the branches cutting into her flesh".
Even with leafs and branches hitting her across her face
Plural of leaf is "leaves".
She relished her grip on the tree root and let herself drop into the abyss into what she thought would be her sudden death.
I think this sentence could do with a rewrite but that is your own choice. "Relished" should either be "released" or "relinquished", the second "into" would be just fine as "to", "sudden" feels wrong in the situation so "eminent" would be a better choice in my opinion.
presumably where she had come in from.
"Fallen from" would work better so you are not repeating the same word too often.
She most have hit her head or something on the way down and passed out
"Most" should be "must" and "been knocked out" would more accurately describe what happened.
of course the many bruises all over her skin that she had acquired from her little misadventure.
We already know you are talking about her skin so this shouldn't be added, it helps reduce how often a word is used.
she would have expected at least a broken limb form such a fall.
"From" is the correct word here.
bashing around in it like she was some sort of little foal
"Splashing" would be a better verb to use, "bashing" is usually not associated with water.
after all she had been close to dehydrate more than once.
"Dehydration"
Then she used but a fraction of her magic to lit up her horn
"Light", "lit" would need a different sentence structure to work.
she suddenly stopped dead in her track
"Track" should be plural, "tracks".
hear the wind fly freely through the cave tunnels
"Blow" fits nicer here (no dirty thoughts).
letting her curiosity getting the better of her.
"Get"
a deep tunnel lied beyond the hole or at least so she assumed
"Lay"
react to an extreme expositor of raw magic over a longer period of time
"Exposure"
Even though the situation she found herself in she couldn’t help but to be excited about her discover
"Discovery"
how many times did she have to fall down of something today?
"Off"
she felt like just rolling over and let sleep claim her
"Letting"
it looked like it had been starved out
"Out" is not needed.
Weren’t Celestia the only alicorn that exist?
"Was not Celestia the only alicorn in existence?"
after all a unicorn’s horn was its most sensitive erogenous zone and in particularly for Twilight’s case.
You could either drop the "in" or make "particularly" "particular".
Interesting premise, I would like to see where you continue from here.
>>2349752 Two things first and foremost WE ARE NIGHTMARE
second of all I always enjoy a fic were the tables are reversed and celestia is the bad guy. in fact
do you mind giving me your proofreader's name I am writing a crossover story about the darkness. 
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It was going great, I'd love to read that "mushy" shipping please 
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