Twilight has an accident in the middle of the night that makes her succumb to tears but luckily somepony is there to comfort her in her distress.
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Looks good, i saw one or two grammer mistakes but i saw nothing major. One thing i would change is the word 'bitch'. I cannot see even discord saying or even thinking that. All in all this is very good.
great!
although, there are two things which confuse/grates me a bit:
1. why twi is crying, why would she be crying because she wet her bed, incredibly embarrassed i can understand, but not crying. being afraid of the dark or having had a nightmare or something like that would have made way more sense.
2. celestia being mean towards luna, i know it's an alt universe, but changing her personality from being a giant but friendly tease to actually being mean seems unnecessary.
side-note: i haven't seen you in a while now, good to hear from you again!
Hmm. I'm not sure what to think about this. It's cute and all, but the beginning confused me. This obviously takes place outside the canonical timeline of the show, because Twilight met Luna for the first time in the pilot.
Twilight wet the bed? Ew. The part where Luna is apologizing to Twi for what she said seemed a little overdone IMO. I think that something such as "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that" would have been more effective than a huge paragraph. Speaking of paragraphs, the last one ran on a bit, and could have used some more punctuation.
Hang on, MARE?! I had interpreted Twi as a younger filly in this story, but adult Twilight wetting the bed?!
It's a thumbs down from me. Sorry.
Really sets the mood. I sort of understand the crying and the sudden intimacy.
Your style is great but, yes, you really need an editor. Wouldn't mind helping out.
this is a grate story
Note: (I'm being mean or making fun if it seems like it, if it dose im sorry) why you put "backside of her shoulder" and "all the way into the alicorn’s backside as she resting her muzzle" it like you put wrong meaning as backside means ass, what you want to put is "back of her shoulder" and "all the way into the alicorn’s back as she resting her muzzle". im telling you this because i don't want people making fun of you and i relay didn't want that image in my head
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i thought about that while i wrote it, but i seriously couldn't come up with another word for what to call her... any ideas? :)
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1 well... not everyone shows emotions in the same way, some people start to cry when they become angry too or really stressed... i guess she didn't want her new room mate she had just meet the very same day to find out her secret... which probably mixed a lot of emotions such as being embarrassed, maybe be angry at herself and also stressed as to how she should be able to hide "it" before anyone noticed, so yeah i just pictured that twilight went down with the ship as she has done more than once in the show :)
2 i don't like celestia and i never have... so in most of my stories i do my best to make her dis-likable, so that was on purpose (though i'll admit i make her more to my own liking in some of my other stories).
thank you ^^ oh you know... school and stuff... and it seemed that i entered a writers block for like half a month :s
1040440 yeah... that is why i marked it as "Alternate Universe" i also wrote in the story that they only very recently meet i the story, i was pretty confident that i had given a good enough amount of material there to make one know that this isn't the same universe, i mean... do ponies even have college's dorm?
well... like the story said she too have been just like twilight (a late bedwetter) so obviously when she made fun of twilight it made her rethink of her own past (like the story stated) which made her overdo it, that part was done on purpose because she for a moment felt like she had become as much of a "heartless monster" as her big sister had been to her.
to my understanding filly means a young female (child) but doesn't mare just mean female (and not really like grown up woman)? my bad then, i shall go fix that :)
well... everyone is entitled to their own opinion as long as it doesn't end up killing others :P hench... not religion... those bitches take life!
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thank you ^^ i do try my best, but i have to admit its not so easy to write when your dyslexic and that English isn't my natural language :)
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... see! this is why i need an editor for my work! in my head that made perfect sense! oh dear... don't kiss her ass twilight! you don't know where its been! >_<
My only complaint: It's way too short. So take that as a compliment that i would like this to have a slower pace and maybe not being a one-shot. It was really good, especially the settin was something I've never read before.
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I apologize for the shortness but such is the fate for most one-shots (sadly). I should have worked a bit more on the pacing, like how I wanted to add something more about rumours work and go around spreading often hurtful lies, but sadly I never really managed to think of something good to do with it.
I'm very fascinated by psychology and the very idea of this story was to create a relationship formed by a rather negative event that had a positive outcome in the form of how people can come to a really deep understanding for each other because of similar experiences.
And the other idea I worked with was the willingness, the sacrifice that one was prepared to endure to ensure someone they really deeply care for get the best they could possibly get, even if the price they have to pay is their own happiness. Luckily for Luna, Twilight ultimately realized what Luna meant to her (something I could have worked into a longer story) and decided to give herself to Luna, if she wanted her, but her anxieties almost got in her way for that.
So all in all I addressed a lot of different 'things' with this story, it was a learning experience that I might one day make something new off. No promises though :D
I've a love/hate relationship with one-shots (both my own and others').
I like to write one-shots because they allow me to try out something (ideas) that swims around inside my head, and at the same time not turning it into something that would take me ages to finish (if you see some of my other unfinished stories have sunk and now I need to fish them up again).
Anyway, if you're interested in my future work you're more than welcome to follow me :) I'll still mainly be doing twiluna ships. However, I also do Celestia/NMM and in the near future I'll be doing Lyra/Bonbon and Vinyl/Octavia.
4339070 I've dyslexia, so there isn't much to do about that. Though I do try to improve my writing and thank you for letting me of these issues. And I'll see if I can come up with something for the summary, but with the alternative universe I don't really feel like the need for it, but that might just be me. However, I won't be fixing this anything soon as I'm quite busy with my Bachelor.