Vinyl Scratch can't stop thinking about that fateful day. The day that changed her life. She tries to return to her life in Ponyville but her thoughts are constantly interrupted by that day. So, she tries to find closure by finding the mare that caused that day. The day of regret.
This is a one shot fanfic about Vinyl Scratch. This is also my first, so criticism is encouraged.
Page generated in 0.092 seconds
Total duration
927 users online
492,988 hits today, 2,818,023 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Great job! You deserve a like!
1406218 1406231
'
Thanks! '
Ur welcome
Pretty solid for a first fic. Definitely enjoyed reading it.
Here's some (hopefully useful) feedback:
First, two things that are pretty normal for folks that are starting out:
- your characterizations are largely nonexistent
- your descriptions of the various settings are fairly sparse
You're doing better at the second one than a lot of first time authors I've seen, but the chant you'll hear a lot is "Show, don't tell."
To give an example:
"Vinyl arrived at her destination. Ponyville’s bar. It looked old and broken down on the outside, but inside it was clean and undamaged."
How is it broken down? How is it clean and undamaged? Why is it that way?
You've told us that the outside is old and broken down. What you need to do is show us the crooked sign hanging off the rotting wooden façade above the porch roof filled with nesting birds.
More generally, you need some work on your sentence structure. Things are pretty much correct and coherent, but your sentences are pretty short (which somewhat resolves itself when you add richer detail), and you tend to have repetitive first words and such that make it a bit of a downer to read. An editor can help a lot with that kind of thing.
Stepping back a bit to look at the bigger picture plot-wise, your lack of characterization means we have no idea how Vinyl and Octavia wound up dating (presumably) in Ponyville. Why wasn't Octavia in Canterlot? If Buck is in some sort of mob-like organization, why is he fighting Vinyl alone? Without backstory, your fic lacks a lot of depth, even though it's in a genre where depth is vital. For your story to be meaningful, the reader needs to develop an emotional connection to Vinyl. We can't do that if we don't know who she is, where she came from, and why she's involved in this ordeal (although your flashback exposition does get us most of the way there).
It's clear that you have a head-canon for these two, but unless you communicate it to your readers, seeing the characters the same way you see them is difficult.
Also, the random Pinkie Pie Party Cannon line completely destroys the mood. It really just doesn't belong.
To re-iterate, I enjoyed reading this. I hope you find this helpful, and I hope you don't walk away thinking I dislike your work.
1411725
Thank you so much for this! I've been hoping for someone to tell me what I should change/improve upon. I want to rewrite this sometime when I can, because originally this was just an idea I wanted to write down. Now that I look at it, I'm not entirely satisfied with what I wrote. I left things out that were kind of vital to the story, like you pointed out the characterization. Although, I am happy that I actually finished this, since I tend to start something I really want to do and forget about it.
1460681
Thanks, will do!