Dystopia

by LuminousRabbit

Chapter two: A friendly ghost

Chapter two: A friendly ghost

I followed the Administrator, her group of ponies and the Princess as they walked along the corridors. Luckily, they were walking quite slowly, so I had no trouble keeping pace with them in the tangled service shafts. I hooked up visual and audio from the security cameras so that I could stalk them properly. It's an art, it really is.

"So tell me about Aurora," said the Princess casually..
The Administrator was clearly not happy to see the subject turn to her least favourite pony, but she answered nonetheless. "Aurora has a habit for mischeif. One day she'll inherit all of this, but I think she fancies the challenge of finding out all of our secrets before then."
"And has she?"
The Administrator smiled, a rare occurance. "Not yet. We do still have some security she can't get past."

"Interesting. How often does she come here?"
"Every day, maybe two. She would probably spend about two hours a day here on average. The staff call it 'Random hour,' because there's really no telling what she'll do when she's here. Mostly she follows people and jumps out at them, but she sometimes pulls bigger pranks. Did you know the staff actually bet on who she'll prank next?"
Princess Celestia smiled. "Sounds like she makes life more interesting."
"Yes. I... I suppose she does. She can be extremely irritating, but at least she alleviates some of the daily boredom."

A glow eminated from my horn as I walked, the magic amplified through the cords and powerboards, making it's way to sector B2, where the light controls were. A couple of seconds later the lights grew several times brighter, saving the corridor from it's gloomy fate. It also improved the quality of the visual I was getting

"That's better," I heard Celestia remark through the audio feed. Her voice was clear as real life, a happy side-effect of my pure magic running through the veins of the database.

In order to transfer magic through items by any efficient means, it had to be diluted and put on a kind of loop, like a self-charging battery. Pure magic, directly from a unicorn's horn functioned better, but it required more energy to keep working and frequent charging.

Quick transmissions though, like the one through the wires, ones that completed their function almost immediately, were more powerful, but you could hardly give such short-lived magic to a pegasus or earth pony. The extra boost I had given the system would fade in about half an hour.

I followed Celestia through the walls for a few more minutes, then, as they entered a long corridor with no turn-offs, I bounded ahead as quickly as I could, climbing the thin ramp into the roof.

A minute later, the Administrator guided Celestia along. As they approached my position, a thin pole with five slender, automatic fingers slid down from the roof. "What's that?" asked Celestia.
"It's our system for fires. They usually carry buckets, and they automatically throw them onto the nearest heat source. It's not an original Sparkle invention, that's probably why you haven't heard of it.

Celestia went closer, "It's holding something."
The hand opened, revealing a steaming-hot cup of coffee.
The Admin rolled her eyes. "It's just Aurora."
I poked my head out of the space in the roof, grin on face. "I made coffee! See, I told you it doesn't just appear."

One of the younger workers, a stallion who was amused by my antics, took the coffee. "Thanks."
"You're welcome Phill. Ciao." I said, lifting myself up into the roof again. The mechanical arm followed, and the gap in the roof closed behind us.

The audio feed sent me the rest of the conversation. "So anyway..." The Admin said grumpily.
"Yes. You were going to show me the...?"
"The information holds, yes. This way, please."

I considered leaving them there, and going off to rig the taps in sector F to explode or something, but I smelled something fishy going on. A few of the workers here had been acting weird for a while now, and I wanted to find out what was up. And of course, there was the continuing mystery of sector G. I followed Celestia and the rest of the group to the information holds.

There was nothing but idle chatting from the group all the way there, and I was beginning to doubt that this line of investigation would reveal anything, but I had nowhere else to go, so I decided to tag along for a bit longer

"This is where we store all the information that's uploaded onto the Interface," said the Admin, "The ponies do it all telepathically, and the magical currents tranfer it here, so that it can be stored and accessed whenever anypony needs it."
"I've never really understood how ponies can just flick in and out of the Interface. Care to explain?" said Celestia.

"First Sparkle embedded magic into different items, as you know. This was what did it you see, when Sparkle first invented the Interface, it only stretched around her home town, Ponyville. A while before that, she had discovered a spell that allows ponies to be connected by a telepathic field. At first it seemed useless - she couldn't read thoughts or do anything like that, it only served as a kind of link - but later she had the idea. What if there was something the ponies could connect to? So she made the databanks, and put the telepathy spell on them. Then she put small towers around the place that spread the spell, and rerouted it back to the databanks.

"But how did ponies access it? Does the spell have any side-effects?"

"Ponies could access the databanks simply by concentrating on them. As the spell was embedded in an object, in this case, the towers, it performed a very specific function, and as such had no side-effects.

I growled quietly. Come on, Celestia, ask the question, just do it! I couldn't do it because they woudn't answer me, and I don't have the authority to make them. But who in Equestria has higher authority than the alicorn standing in the corridor? Come on, Princess, pull some rank. You know you want to.

"So how many other sectors are there?"

That's better, almost there.

"We house sectors A to G.
"And what do you do in all of those sectors?"

Yesss.

"Sector A is purely administrative. That's the entrance, reception and information all in one. It's all where the guests are, and where the workers check in and out for the day. It's also where we keep our in-and-out security. There's only one door in and out of this place. Sector B is the service area. Sector C is where we lock our scientists away to study and keep the world progressing. They do all kinds of things, it's really quite amazing. But anyway, if we provide them with labs and pay, they'll give us 15% of the profits from their inventions. It's been quite a fundraiser. D, E and F are where we keep all the information stored."

There was still one question left, and Celestia asked it

"...So what about sector G?"

Comments

[LuminousRabbit]

All I ask is that you please read chapter one before discarding this
Also, first.
Nyahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

[HB]

Interesting. I'll probably check back on this later to see how it has progressed.

I don't think you've spent nearly enough time describing the world of the story in the prologue. As far as I can tell, Twilight invented some GitS-style mind-internet thing, and it has been quite a few generations since then. I don't have a good sense of what the current world looks like at the time of the story. While it is okay for me to not understand the larger structure of society from the start, I don't even have a sense of what these hallways and whatnot are made of. I'd suggest putting a bit of extra effort into describing things that the reader hasn't ever seen before. How do the corridors look and feel? Are they painted a shade of purple that constantly distracts from anything you are trying to focus on? Is the floor broken and cracked tile, or a metal grate allowing you to see the floor below? What color are the cables you mentioned? Are things in disrepair, or just awkwardly designed? "Holographic interface" is pretty vague. (I'm not an expert, and it is very late at night, but I'm doing my best to give helpful feedback)

I'm happy to see a techy SciFi dystopia thing that has a light enough mood to allow Aurora's silly stunts to make sense. Most are generally pretty heavy and philosophical. You should be careful that you don't make Aurora into a Mary Sue, though. She already has quite a few things going for her: talented in magic, expert hacker, one of a line a Faithful Students, apparently can damage property and steal without any repercussions. At this point in the story, I'm already wondering why she doesn't just take photos of Section G and post them for all to see, given how terrible this institution's security is.

Finally, although this isn't really a story criticism, I always love when a universe has a well fleshed-out magic system. It would be cool to know more about how magic works in your story now, and how Twilight changed things.

There were a few typos and other errors, but it is quite late at night and I only wrote down one of them:

repeated the twenty-two didget number

repeated the twenty-two digit number

I might go back and make a full write-up of my edits/suggestions, if you want.

Anyway, good luck, and have fun.

[LuminousRabbit]

1405611
Thank you very much for the feedback.
I'm definetely going to go back and give the chapters a bit more length, as well as work to describe the world and such.

I'd also love you to point out the errors... I may be an editor, but it doesn't mean I don't need one here and there!

I'll also be adding more about how magic actually works for all three races now.
I hope you'll care to take another read once I've done that, and thanks for giving a good critique.

PS. Aurora has some major character flaws... just you wait.

[Ghostly Glow]

Well, so far it's pretty engaging. I always love a good dystopia story.
Aurora seems pretty likable, which is always important if you want to pull of a decent dystopia fic. I was going to say she seems a little Mary-sueish, but being mischievous can be a good and bad trait. Also, complete disregard for authority figures has a way of biting ponies in the flank. Just a little more development and I can see myself clicking with her character.
Have a thumb-up, a favorite, and a Pinkie.

[Crisslunarflame]

Oooo.... Me likey.... I love the idea, and like the portrayal of the characters so far. Aurora seems cool... and I think the name you've given her is really good if she's going to play the kind of role I THINK she could play... ^-^

As for the layout/grammar bleh, I would get a pre-reader../ I don't THINK you need an editor... If you have to read thru your work beforehand and find that difficult, then an editor is great 'cause they'll do all that... but it all looks good to me soo... But, a pre-reader is always a good idea; they'll give you a firsthabd opinion, looking at the story thru "fresh eyes" instead of yours. They can tell you what they think... how people may react... and give you their ideas for stuff...

But, really... It's a good story. I like the idea; it's not very common. It is well-written, and just overall good. I can't wait to see where you take it, and am curious...

[LuminousRabbit]

1406394
Thanks very much for leaving some feedback. Don't worry, Aurora is definitely not going to become a Mary Sue, as you will see in probably chapter four or five, or right here, if you prefer I am hoping to be able to develop her character a lot more in future chapters.

1406542
Thanks for leaving a comment. Yes, I probably am going to get a pre-reader at some stage, but I just don't have time to deal with that right now.

...And now I am curious. What role do you think she'll play?

[Crisslunarflame]

1408045
Well, I just think that "Aurora" is a good name, because (literally) (this is me getting sciency) an aurora is basically the polar lights... And I think that goes well as a sort of comparison/contrast to "Twilight" which is also a transition period .... And judging by the story description, I think she'll be the one to save Equestria and that... But how you'll go ABOUT that will interest me greatly... This is a crucial role, and will require a lot of... patience (?) and decision making stuff...
And as for a pre-reader, it didn't look like you needed one, I just know that at some point, they will make work easier by suggestion... stuff...

[LuminousRabbit]

1408758
Yes, I did partly choose the name Aurora Aura for that reason. I also have somepony in mind to preread the story, so they should help me fix any plotholes.
Also, "Aurora" is the Roman godess of dawn.

[Crisslunarflame]

1408849

*squee* even better! Well, congrats to you on the good job! Keep up the good work!

[LuminousRabbit]

1409885
Aurora was an immortal Roman godess who fell in love with a mortal man. She asked Jupiter to give him eternal life, and Jupiter did (Aurora Aura usually gets what she wants), but Aurora forgot to ask for eternal youth for her love, so he grew old eternally (Aurora Aura doesn't always think things through, and sometimes makes rash desicions that can have horrible consequences).

Then she turned her love into a grasshopper (when things go wrong, she ends up taking it out on some on close to her.)

So that's where I got the idea for her personality. I did my research!

[Crisslunarflame]

1410480
Hehehaha... That, my friend, is an epic tale! Well, Roman gods are awesome... and funny... And that IS a good idea for personality! As long as she doesn't, you know, turn anyone into a grasshopper...

[LuminousRabbit]

1411742
Heheh, you'll have to wait and see, won't you?
AN: No grasshoppers were harmed in the making of this fic, except the ones that were.