It's the last days before Cadences wedding, a time that should be completely free from trouble,something which does not apply to Luna. Not only has she her own guard to deal with, she doesn't seem able to grow any fond feelings whatsoever for her niece. Is this just an auntie phase she is going through, or is there another reason entirely? And if there is, what does this mean if she is the only one to feel it?
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Right I suppose first of all I should say thank you to whoever decided to read this story, so thank you^^
Secondly and this is what I really wanted to get to. I would very much appreciate any constructive criticism any of you would feel kind enough to offer be it in grammar or the plot of the story itself. I am aware that this story has flaws and would love to have them pointed out to me for future references when writing. Doesn't matter if its got to be harsh, better that than to commit the same mistake over and over when writing after all.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group:Authors helping Authors
Name of Story:A nightmares return
Grammer score: 7 out of 10
Pros:
The idea is very interesting. A story about why Luna wasn't at the wedding is something I think needs to be done more.
The plot flows very well.
Chrysalis was just awesome.
Cons:
There are some spelling and grammar mistakes, such as not capitalizing certain names and indenting the paragraphs and dialogue.
This story needs to be fleshed out more.
There needs to be an explanation for why Luna doesn't have control over her guards.
Notes:
I think this is a story that really needs to be more than a one-shot, or at the very least make it a longer one-shot. Showing what exactly happened to Luna would make for an interesting tale. Your writing of Chrysalis' character is one of the best I've seen; you showed her as more of a magnificent b&*$ when it comes to her plans. Overall, I think this story is good, but needs to be fleshed out more.
Enjoy your review! Help me out by looking at my story, "Royalty"
Watching Luna interact with the other characters in the piece was a lot of fun, she comes across as very awkward and very mysterious at the same time, very much like she does in the show. So when does this come off of Hiatus?
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Now that I gotten the reviews of what I been doing right and wrong the story probably pick up again in a week top. Time during which I can check through the first chapter for the errors mentioned and then fix the second chapter.
Or so I believed, realized I need to add some extra scenes to the second chapter which will take some time.
Edit: And there we go, last time I try to make a deadline for myself. Apparently I can't handle them, second chapter is up and the first one got edited, mainly grammar fixes and some change in dialogue between Celestia and Luna.
All these references to weeding, the castle's gardens must be a mess.
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Yikes, that was a mess up on my part for sure, thanks for pointing it out Nopony^^ No idea what I was thinking there.
Never enough Chryssie! I just hope no horrible fate awaits her at the end of this.
Cya
Raziel-chan
Chryssie dodged a bullet there. I just hope she can keep doing it.
Cya
Raziel-chan
Whew, Chryssie is fine.
I liked it, a lot. Especially the characterizations. Luna was awesome, Breeze was fun, but Chrysalis took the cake. I love your version of her, scheming, but kind to her subjects and knowing when to quit. I imagine her and Luna's dream talks would be interesting and maybe they'd work out a compromise.
Thumbs up to ya.
Cya
Raziel-chan