Nice to see another chapter so soon. Looks like Dusk's upbringing was rather pretty bleak with his mother as a prostitute, not sure if he even knew her, or maybe even his sister/brother Shining Armor; maybe he was put in an orphanage, or a religious convent where he was at least educated enough to become a archivist/librarian but was never really became a pony of note. He also sounds like he is pretty horn dog with some of his lecherous self-reflection he has done of Twilight and others. From the Sound of it Twilight already seems to accept Dusk already as a long lost brother and would be willing to include him in the Sparkle family, I would what they would think of him? Still Dusk sounds like he has a lot of character flaws which could land him into trouble especially with his status. From the sound of it Dusk did made the same friends in the slums, which seemed to where Ponyville was located, so it seemed that Destiny had also a hand at play in this, so it might be possible that he will go back to his home reality later down the road.
For the writing, my text to speech suggestion still stand, but I think you could also use a editor to help you with with a more natural flow and wording of your sentences, seeing at this point it's noticeable that you are not a native English speaker yourself. One thing to point out it's either 'recite' or 'tab' or even 'ledger' if you want it you want it to sound more natural.
1) I live in California, LA to be precise 2) I refer you to comment 13 below. I am a pianist, not a paid writer or professional in any manner of thought; 3) Dusk did live with his mother, and he was her only foal, so he never had any siblings (Gleaming Shield or Shining Armor) 4) Very quick of you to pick on Ponyville being akin to Dusk's Equus Downs, although Ponyville is no ghetto, but happens to be equally distant from the Castle of the Two Sister, whereas the Downs are about the same distance from Castle Equus, where the two goddesses rule. 5) Dusk does have a history, having been part of a drug lord's gang as a paid mage. This powerful dude provided Dusk with the means to learn more of magic, and thus you can see where that will lead. Of course, being in the ghetto meant that Dusk had to go with the flow, or probably die... 6) Dusk really is a horn dog. Once part of the gang, he always had plenty of female company...Even more so once he gained his wings 7) Thoughts about Twilight and Dusk: Being that they are both supposed to be elements of magic, personally I feel that while they may become friends, but rather like two similar poles of a magnet, they just might be repelling to each other, often leading to harsh words exchanged. I have a few chapters of them disagreeing rather loudly at each other, none which are canon to the present tale, but rather could become like side scenes at a later place, if not actually be published as such side tales.
First, I would like to say I think this story has a lot of potential, as do you. I love how the two worlds, while they have similarities, don't mirror each other. They aren't just opposites. It's like if you gave two authors a synopsis of a story and asked them to write it. You get two completely different stories with a few similarities.
That said, I feel you have some work to do to live up to that potential.
First, the dialoge. It's very stiff, and robotic. For example;
So many mares, he thought. A mare would be very nice to be with and sleep with him.
I've never heard an actual person say it like this. They say something more along the lines of, "I wouldn't mind a mare, right now" or even just, "A mare in my bed would be nice."
Second issue; Pacing. He arrives in Equestria and Twilight was just there. No reason. She's just there. Not only that, but she immediately invites him home with her. She's encountered enough freaky shit that she should not be that trusting of some random 'pony' (because for all she knows he might be a skinwalker) she just met.
Finally, Dusk's reaction to others. He treats everyone he meets as if they are their counterparts. With Celestia, it makes sense. She's actually the same in appearance, and is basically the thing of his nightmares. Everyone else, though, are clearly different, yet he even calls them by their counterparts' names. I can get him assuming their personalities are similar, so him cutting off Pinkie before she could be Pinkie at him makes sense, but not calling her Berry.
I hope this might help, and I look forward to seeing you grow.
P.S. An editor would really help. There are groups that help find someone for that.
Nice and funny, but no. Dusk may be a bit of a horn dog, but in all honesty, him with Twilight will probably be a no-go, if Celestia has any say. Sure, Dusk would be like any other stallion and have some fun with Twilight, just like any other stallion (or Human). Might make for an interesting side tale, though, but this story is not a clopfic.
This story is only getting started, and as it gets more into the tale, I bet your ideas may change...
Regarding Dusk already naming others, he has only his friends' name to fall back on, but he is also sharp of hearing to note when Twilight named her Pinkie. Therefore, he called Pinkie Berry as that was normally her name in his world as a stallion.
Regarding pacing, I am accepting that most all readers have the knowledge of why Twilight might have been there, since she often went there to look up in the old castle's library, canon-wise. Sure, I acknowledge that I had issues with the prose; I'm an okay writer. But honestly, have you read some of these stories here? Atrocious... I'm not say that I am any better, but I am also going by feel here. Far easier to compose a four-voiced double-fugue that a prose story, but I will give it a try anyway.
11812102 Why wouldn't he treat them like ponies he doesn't know yet? I mean, that's what they are, after all.
As for Twilight being at the castle, she really wasn't there that often. Actually count the number of episodes she went to the castle. She only actually went there 6 times in the entire series. Heck, after episode 1, she didn't return until season 4.
Also, never compare yourself or your stories to those terrible ones. It's a terrible habit and won't do you any favors. Look at better stories and ask yourself, "how can I be even better than those?" You have a fantastic concept, and that already puts you leagues above most. You just need to work on your delivery.
This version of Dusk is such a perv lol. Love it.
11811457
Nice to see another chapter so soon. Looks like Dusk's upbringing was rather pretty bleak with his mother as a prostitute, not sure if he even knew her, or maybe even his sister/brother Shining Armor; maybe he was put in an orphanage, or a religious convent where he was at least educated enough to become a archivist/librarian but was never really became a pony of note. He also sounds like he is pretty horn dog with some of his lecherous self-reflection he has done of Twilight and others. From the Sound of it Twilight already seems to accept Dusk already as a long lost brother and would be willing to include him in the Sparkle family, I would what they would think of him? Still Dusk sounds like he has a lot of character flaws which could land him into trouble especially with his status. From the sound of it Dusk did made the same friends in the slums, which seemed to where Ponyville was located, so it seemed that Destiny had also a hand at play in this, so it might be possible that he will go back to his home reality later down the road.
For the writing, my text to speech suggestion still stand, but I think you could also use a editor to help you with with a more natural flow and wording of your sentences, seeing at this point it's noticeable that you are not a native English speaker yourself. One thing to point out it's either 'recite' or 'tab' or even 'ledger' if you want it you want it to sound more natural.
Keep it up dude.
11811530
Several thoughts here from your comment:
1) I live in California, LA to be precise
2) I refer you to comment 13 below. I am a pianist, not a paid writer or professional in any manner of thought;
3) Dusk did live with his mother, and he was her only foal, so he never had any siblings (Gleaming Shield or Shining Armor)
4) Very quick of you to pick on Ponyville being akin to Dusk's Equus Downs, although Ponyville is no ghetto, but happens to be equally distant from the Castle of the Two Sister, whereas the Downs are about the same distance from Castle Equus, where the two goddesses rule.
5) Dusk does have a history, having been part of a drug lord's gang as a paid mage. This powerful dude provided Dusk with the means to learn more of magic, and thus you can see where that will lead. Of course, being in the ghetto meant that Dusk had to go with the flow, or probably die...
6) Dusk really is a horn dog. Once part of the gang, he always had plenty of female company...Even more so once he gained his wings
7) Thoughts about Twilight and Dusk: Being that they are both supposed to be elements of magic, personally I feel that while they may become friends, but rather like two similar poles of a magnet, they just might be repelling to each other, often leading to harsh words exchanged. I have a few chapters of them disagreeing rather loudly at each other, none which are canon to the present tale, but rather could become like side scenes at a later place, if not actually be published as such side tales.
Good thoughts, friend. Thanks.
Well that does explain why the way he say wanting to sleep with Twilight first time he met her this is going to be comedy gold.
11811595
I'm half expecting it to happen... be it a drunken night or when the tension builds to breaking
11811807
I feel like they started yelling each other and things get heated.
11811574
How many mares did you get pregnant and up what are chances he do it again here.
11812017
Only Dusk knows that, and maybe?
11812038
Twilight: DUSK SO HELP ME IF YOU BECOME A DEAD BEAT OF A FATHER I SWEAR I WILL REMOVE WHAT MAKES YOU A STALLION.
Is I how imagine, along with a lot of foal support.
First, I would like to say I think this story has a lot of potential, as do you. I love how the two worlds, while they have similarities, don't mirror each other. They aren't just opposites. It's like if you gave two authors a synopsis of a story and asked them to write it. You get two completely different stories with a few similarities.
That said, I feel you have some work to do to live up to that potential.
First, the dialoge. It's very stiff, and robotic. For example;
I've never heard an actual person say it like this. They say something more along the lines of, "I wouldn't mind a mare, right now" or even just, "A mare in my bed would be nice."
Second issue; Pacing. He arrives in Equestria and Twilight was just there. No reason. She's just there. Not only that, but she immediately invites him home with her. She's encountered enough freaky shit that she should not be that trusting of some random 'pony' (because for all she knows he might be a skinwalker) she just met.
Finally, Dusk's reaction to others. He treats everyone he meets as if they are their counterparts. With Celestia, it makes sense. She's actually the same in appearance, and is basically the thing of his nightmares. Everyone else, though, are clearly different, yet he even calls them by their counterparts' names. I can get him assuming their personalities are similar, so him cutting off Pinkie before she could be Pinkie at him makes sense, but not calling her Berry.
I hope this might help, and I look forward to seeing you grow.
P.S. An editor would really help. There are groups that help find someone for that.
11812062
Ha-ha-ha!
No.
Nice and funny, but no. Dusk may be a bit of a horn dog, but in all honesty, him with Twilight will probably be a no-go, if Celestia has any say. Sure, Dusk would be like any other stallion and have some fun with Twilight, just like any other stallion (or Human). Might make for an interesting side tale, though, but this story is not a clopfic.
This story is only getting started, and as it gets more into the tale, I bet your ideas may change...
This is a interesting take on mirror mirror, I love story's that have a lil "darkness" to them!
11812081
I am grateful for your insight.
Regarding Dusk already naming others, he has only his friends' name to fall back on, but he is also sharp of hearing to note when Twilight named her Pinkie. Therefore, he called Pinkie Berry as that was normally her name in his world as a stallion.
Regarding pacing, I am accepting that most all readers have the knowledge of why Twilight might have been there, since she often went there to look up in the old castle's library, canon-wise. Sure, I acknowledge that I had issues with the prose; I'm an okay writer. But honestly, have you read some of these stories here? Atrocious... I'm not say that I am any better, but I am also going by feel here. Far easier to compose a four-voiced double-fugue that a prose story, but I will give it a try anyway.
11812102
Why wouldn't he treat them like ponies he doesn't know yet? I mean, that's what they are, after all.
As for Twilight being at the castle, she really wasn't there that often. Actually count the number of episodes she went to the castle. She only actually went there 6 times in the entire series. Heck, after episode 1, she didn't return until season 4.
Also, never compare yourself or your stories to those terrible ones. It's a terrible habit and won't do you any favors. Look at better stories and ask yourself, "how can I be even better than those?" You have a fantastic concept, and that already puts you leagues above most. You just need to work on your delivery.
It is always time for my lord Discord's silliness.
(The funeral director disagreed, too.)
please tell me that you meant off-white, lol, please
11812085
Well by a look of it there be high of chance of it happening