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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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11754051
That's fine. It's not a major problem, but do try to keep an eye out for it. As it stands, it isn't too intrusive, more like a writing quirk. The story itself is interesting enough to overlook. Like I said, not many people think about how underdeveloped an infant's brain is and how it would affect a reincarnated mind, so I'm looking forward to what else you might do.
11754426
Im trying to make sure its lore accurate as best as I can while also not trying to be repetitive. I mean it IS an alternative universe SOOOoooo there can be some differences, and yes I do agree with you on the infant part. Im trying to make it to where he holds his adult mentality but still has to learn everything again, I mean, he'll understand the basic stuff like motor functions such as moving his limbs and finger and such, just not TOO overly insane to the point as if he were a genius that could get everything in one go. I mean, the character does have a certain perk I gave him...but that'll be more useful in the future parts of the story
I'm trying to ask without coming off as rude, but what even are these and where did you learn it? I've never seen anyone do this, and to be honest, it's really distracting. There's no reason for these, as the 'said tag' already does what these do in a more natural way.
Do you see what I mean about repeating yourself? Again, it's not too bad, and can just be seen as a quirk of your writing, but I do recommend you try to limit it.
Also, be careful with the dungeon idea. I've seen many a gamer fic fall apart because the dungeon is such a broken mechanic if not limited. I would recommend having a level cap with it, only letting him advance to an intermediate level before no longer providing exp.
Also, also, the dashes at the begining of paragraphs are not needed.
Finally, once again, it's wonderful to see how believable his rebirth is. His mind may be an adult but his brain and body are not. It's easy to see why ANI is absolutely required, especially in this early stage of his development. She can regulate how much of his adult mind is present to fit his need and development.
11755096
Got it, Ill remove those then
11755096
I was also planning on removing the transition things anyways, I was going to do a full re-check on most of the chapters to see if anything needed fixing or uh "organizing"