Mountain of Misfortune

by Kiernan

Chapter the First: Wrong Turn

“Are you sure this is the right way, Art?”

“Not as sure as I was half an hour ago, Sam…”

Hidden Art trudged along the overgrowth, pushing aside ferns and branches. He was a pudgy silver unicorn with an electric blue mane and tail with eyes to match. As he was the one holding both the map and compass, he was the first one to ask if there was a path out of the woods. Unfortunately, he was also the reason they were lost in the first place.

“You just had to go off the trail, didn’t you?” groaned his sister, Forgotten Ability. She, too, was a unicorn, but her coat was a deep slate with light blonde hair and green eyes. “Way to go, Arty. You fucked it up again.”

“Leave him alone, Abi,” sighed the third member of their party, Cucumber Sandwich. They were a lithe, androgynous earth pony. Some guessed they were a stallion, some guessed a mare, but Sam didn’t want to be identified one way or the other. They were a pony first, soft green like an avocado second, with an almost black mane slicked back and cut short third. Their gender wasn’t even in the top ten things they wanted other ponies to think about. “At least he’s trying. What are you doing?”

“Carrying the extra weight, Sam!” She gestured back to show that she was carrying both her pack and her brother’s.

“Pipe down,” called Art, waving his hoof. “I think I know where we are now.”

“You think, or you know?” asked Abi accusingly.

Sam moved forward. “Let me have a look. Four eyes are better than two.”

Art pointed to the mountain peak. “From there, we’re due east, right at the tree line.” He pulled his hoof across the map. “According to this, the site should be in a clearing just south of us. Not that far away. Let’s just hug the tree line and–”

“That’s north, dipshit,” growled Abi, glancing over his shoulder. “Line up the compass rose on the map with the direction the compass is pointing. We’re on the north side.”

“You think you can do better?” snorted Art, shoving the map into her hooves. “Be my guest. It’s only going to make it sting that much worse when your inability to read a map ends with us being lost.”

“You mean like you’ve been doing since that fallen tree?”

“Hey, I put us right back on the trail. It’s not my fault it went to a dead end. Nopony’s trimmed the grass out here in months!”

“It went to a dead end because it wasn’t the trail, doofus!”

“Both of you, shut up!” shouted Sam. “Look, it doesn’t matter whether we’re on the north side of the map or the east. We’re right under the mountain, where the trees give way. That means we’re anywhere along this line.” They traced the trees with their hoof. “I say we follow the trees to the left. We’ll for sure hit the mountain pass exit to the trail, and from there, we can find our way back onto the main trail, and then the campgrounds.”

Art squinted at the map. “I don’t know. If my sense of direction is as bad as Abi suggests, maybe we should head the other way. We might be here.” He pointed to a place on the map that they definitely weren’t. “Or… Is this even the right mountain?”

“Are you telling me I’ve been carrying around your shit for the last half hour because you brought the wrong map?”

“No, this is the right map,” said Sam, snatching the map. “And it’s not heavy at all. You’ve been carrying his stuff because he’s lazy.”

Abi scowled at Art, who was now wearing a shit-eating grin. “I can’t believe you fell for that!” he cackled.

Abi, in response, dumped his pack into the mud.

“Hey! That was uncalled for!”

“Really? Pretty sure I called for it.”

Art folded his hooves. “Well, now, I’m not sharing my snacks with you.”

“I’m not carrying your gear anymore,” scowled Abi. “Next time, don’t be such a dick!”

“Knock it off, both of you,” grunted Sam, scanning the map. “Look, let’s just follow the trees. I want to at least be somewhere dry before this rain hits.”

---

Within the next five minutes, the clouds had closed in and it had started pouring rain. There was no way they could have made it to the campgrounds, and there was no chance they were going to be able to set up their tents in dry conditions.

“See what happens when you waste our time with your shitty pranks?!” shouted Abi over the powerful wind. “We could have, and should have been there half an hour ago!”

“You’re blaming me for the weather?!” shouted Art back. “I can’t control the clouds! I’m not a pegasus!”

“You can’t read a map, either!”

Sam had heard enough. “If you two want to stand out here and beat the ever-loving crap out of each other, feel free, but I ain’t listening to it. If you want to be civil, you can join me where it’s dry.”

The two unicorns looked to their friend and saw them working their way to a cave entrance not too far away. Not wanting to stand out here, they both opted to come inside, just in time for Sam to light a lantern.

“Careful,” warned Art. “There may be bears.”

“If there were bears this close to a well-established campsite, wouldn’t the park ranger have said something?” sneered Abi.

“Maybe he forgot?”

“Knock it off,” sighed Sam. “I will kick you out if I have to.”

Silence followed as they took off their gear and set it against the cave walls. Sam took out the map and laid it out on the ground with Art’s compass.

“You’re not going to try to navigate in this?” asked Abi. “At least wait for the sky to clear up.”

“Just trying to find out where we are,” sighed Sam. “The rain won’t last forever, and neither will my weekend.”

“It’s a long weekend,” offered Art, digging around for snacks.

“But still finite,” argued Sam. “I’d like at least some of it to be relaxing, and I can’t do that if I have to listen to you two bickering.”

“We’d all like to have a relaxing vacation,” chuckled Abi, settling down against the wall. “I suppose this will have to do for now. But if there are bears in this cave, I’m blaming you.”

“You’ll have to catch me, first,” smirked Sam. “If they show up, you can bet I’ll be long gone in a heartbeat.”

The trio settled in, with Art passing around some dried fruits and other goodies. Their trail mix was primarily composed of puffed barley coated in honey, mini marshmallows, chocolate chips, and nuggets of dried-out pretzels. It wasn’t a standard trail mix, but a homemade variant.

“So how do we want to pass the time?” asked Art, munching his pretzels with his back against the opposite wall as his sister. “Anypony up for charades?”

“I’m content to just listen to the sound of the rain,” smiled Sam, putting the map away. “I might even take a nap.”

“We won’t wake you in the event of a bear attack,” warned Art. “Not unless tripping over you on the way out counts.”

Sam shook their head. “Just kick me. I’ll probably be kept awake by whatever you’re doing, anyway.”

With a shrug, Art turned to Abi. “How about you? Ready for me to beat your arse in charades?”

Abi didn’t answer. She’d already grabbed a book, Shattered Perception, out of her pack and began reading it, using her unicorn magic to keep her snacks off the pages.

“You know, the moisture in the air is plenty enough to warp and wrinkle those pages,” Art warned.

Abi didn’t bother to respond verbally, opting instead to just make an obscene gesture with her hoof in his general direction.

“You missed me,” he chuckled.

“Don’t care…”

Finding that he couldn’t provoke a rise out of anypony, Art just leaned back and munched on his snacks. There was nothing else to do, at any rate.

When he reached the end of his bag, he crumpled it up and tucked it into his backpack with his gear. “Bored,” he announced.

Sam’s chin rose to the clouds above. “Rain’s still falling.”

“But I’m bored…”

“Camping was your idea,” huffed Sam. “What did you expect to do while we were out here?”

“Normal camp stuff. Climbing trees, toasting marshmallows, harassing the other camp on the opposite side of the lake, having a big jamboree at the end where we teach those hoity-toity other campers a lesson…”

“That sounds like a summer camp movie.”

“No…” waved Art dismissively. “In the movies, there’s teenagers played by guys in their forties screwing around with teenagers played by mares in their thirties and summoning demons and serial killers. And then there’s the one camper who’s really good at archery, and they end up being the one that survives at first because they shoot the psycho right in the face. But then it turns out he was being controlled by a sea monster in the lake, and it nabs the archery kid right before the credits play.”

Sam looked back. “Have you ever been camping in the woods before?”

“I have,” volunteered Abi. “It’s boring. That’s why I brought a book.”

“It’s not very exciting,” sighed Sam. “You put up a hammock between two trees, climb in, and then just have a nap. We’re not even going to one with a lake, it’s just a clearing with a metal bucket that acts as a firepit. It’s supposed to be relaxing, being one with nature, and escaping the busyness of business.”

“Yeah, but we’ll do other fun camp stuff, right?”

Sam shrugged. “Camping is about relaxing. Having a good time with good friends.”

“If that’s all you wanted to do, we could have done that at home!” grunted Art. “We have video games! I thought you wanted to do camp stuff!”

“Video games are more fun,” agreed Abi.

“Then why did you even agree to come?” asked Sam. “If you think it’s boring and would rather be playing video games, why didn’t you stay home?”

Abi pointed at Art. “He invited me to watch him struggle through an experience he was sure to fail at. Either he’s so good at camping that he makes me free food all weekend, or he gives up and cries. Sounds like a win-win for me.”

Sam shook their head. “You’re both hopeless. Why do I hang out with you two?”

“Because of your morbid curiosity?” offered Art.

“Fair…”

After a long pause, Art grunted and stood up. “Well, I’m off to take a piss.”

“Have fun being drenched,” chuckled Abi, returning to her book.

“Oh, I’m not leaving the cave,” chuckled Art, grabbing the other lantern. “I’m going to find a spot further back.”

“If you find a bear, give us your best blood-curdling scream.”

“Keep your hoof against the right wall,” advised Sam. “When you come back, the same wall will be to your left. The map covers the surrounding landscape, not the caves under the mountain.”

“Yeah, yeah…”