Balanced Dawn an 'average' colt from Sires Hollow, one that wasn’t ever supposed to exist. At least according to his new memories.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can see the inspiration from Life Finds a Way. There’s also some similarities to Harmony Among Fillies. Unfortunately, I think that story was abandoned, because it started out pretty good. I hope you have some fun plans for Dawn. There’s a lot of directions one could go from here.
Separate these paragraphs author
Why are so many paragraphs glued? And why are they still glued as a matter of fact?
I'm just gonna say it, your fic seems pretty cool despite the grammatical errors and random words like 'quite' instead of 'quiet' but... Did you HAVE to make him a unicorn?
This is the most BORING human insert there is, exploring the potential of the other two tribes while fighting against tribalism would be SO MUCH better.
Earth ponies are basically druids with super strength, With their internal magic and minor bio manipulation you could give them the power to transform into animals, something Twilight proved possible as a concept in the Breezie episode.
A pegasus would also be incredible, with the power to control the weather which could evolve into controlling the elements, gravity/mass control, and aerokenisis.
Unicorns have cool spells, but... They are boring as hell, there's nothing, new about them really, from telekinesis to time travel everything about them was already shown.
I personally suggest changing his tribe.
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So I left the paragraphs like that to indicate his confusion, similar to how when characters talk super fast they don’t space out the words. I could change it to make it easier to read.
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Thanks for letting me know about the spelling, I went with unicorn since there’s plenty of earth pony stories around, Pegasus isn't as overdone but either way It would have been harder to introduce him to Starlight so soon or tie together other butterfly effects. Thanks for the feedback though.
Buen inicio, diría algo apresurado, y el personaje no está tan impactado por sus nuevos (antiguos) recuerdos, para mí creo que debería estar más nervioso por su situación, agregando que se sabe la serie de mlp.
Pero sacando eso me gustó el capítulo, se ve potencial
A mom and dams are the same thing.
Formatting error, slash goes before i in the italics closure.
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Almost, but one is the birth mother and the other is herd-mate of the birth mother. I forget which is which.
……….I honestly didn’t expect for there to be lesbian moms in this. Not a bad subversion mind you, just a really surprising one. (One often doesn’t see such things in fics inspired by a tv show for little girls)
Kinda sloppy on the first chapter but has enough to string me along and keep me interested although the whole "when I was human I watched mlp" trope is rather boring and makes the story 10x more predictable rather then the much more interesting and as easy to write "fish outta water" trope that feels alien in this new world after regaining his human memories.
I will say you really don't make it obvious that he has "two mom" or something till mid to late chap cause I literally just thought you had a aneurysm when writing dad and kept misspelling it, in all my years of living I have never heard that phrase even after reading thousands of fimfics on this site . Idk maybe drop somewhere in a though bubble explaining it ? It just seems like a different word or phrase should be said instead of dam but I just can't remember, tip of my tongue.
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A ‘dam’ is the official term for the birth mother of an equine. While ‘Sire’ is the genetic father. I do drop an author’s note later on but I could add one first chapter.
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Elsewhere, Scootaloo’s Aunts Lofty and Holiday both suddenly sneeze and bonk their snoots on each other.
Don’t ya just hate it when someone in the multiverse talks about you just when you’re going in for a nuzzle?
I saw a few errors while reading this chapter so I decided to write them out to give some feedback. If I got anything wrong or missed something, please let me know so I can improve. Thanks in advance.
Change starlight to Starlight since you are using a person's name, thus it is a proper noun. The latter half of the sentence also feels strange, removing the lately after busy should fix that, though I can't put my finger on the specifics of what's going on here.
I'd recommend changing Rain-boom to rainboom since it is not a proper noun and in the rest of this chapter, and in most fics I've read, it is not hyphenated.
Add a comma here.
Change hoofs to hooves since the correct pluralization of hoof is hooves.
Sentance grammar is off. There are a few ways to fix this one but adding in the is the simplest one I can see.
Change Mom to mom since you aren't replacing Forest Breeze's name so it isn't a proper noun. Capitalize breeze to Breeze since it is a proper noun. Capitalizing dam in the latter part of the sentence should probably also be done since you are using it in place of Morning Dew's name, thus making it a proper noun.
Uncapitalize Two to two because it is neither at the beginning of a sentence nor is it a proper noun. Add a space after the question mark since you always add one after the end of a sentence.
Add a space after the question mark as before. Some other grammar here is technically wrong but it works here.
Add a comma.
Add some commas, though the second comma I added here could easily be replaced by a conjunction like while.
Add a comma and uncapitalize My to my since it isn't a proper noun.
Couple of extra spaces in here that need to be removed. Uncapitalize This to this and My to my. Adding an additional period at the end to end the sentace is correct, though most don't do that so it can be skipped.
Change breathe to breath since you are referring to the noun form here instead of the verb form. You could also reform the sentence to keep the breathe if you like, eg. "I breathe, open the door, and shout,".
A couple capitalization mistakes here. Mom and Dam are proper nouns here so they should be capitalized. Home is not a proper noun nor at the beginning of a sentence so it shouldn't be capitalized.
Uncapitalize Have to have since it is neither a proper noun nor at the beginning of a sentence. Where should also be uncapitalized because it is continuing on from the previous sentence of dialogue that was interrupted by an action.
Change ok to okay since ok is an abbreviation of okay instead of a word,
Add a comma. Uncapitalize w\Was to was since it is neither a proper noun nor at the start of a sentence.
Uncapitalize Help to help.
Uncapitalize day and night since they are not proper nouns or at the start of the sentence.
Uncapitalize starburst and gear since they are not proper nouns.
Remove the unnessasary space.
Add a comma.
Add a comma. Uncapitalize magic since it is not a proper noun.
Capitalize though since it is the first word in a sentence. Remove any unnessasary spaces. Change "mind add on" to "mind. Add on" since they a separate clauses, though there are other ways to fix that.
Remove the unnessasary paragraph thing.
Add some commas. Capitalize oh since it is the first word in a sentence.
The comma here should be a period instead since it is not following a dialogue tag.
Capitalize Sunburst since it is a proper noun.
Starlight should be capitalized since it is a proper noun.
Change the comma to a period because it is not following a dialogue tag.
Dam should be capitalized since it is being used as a name, thus it is a proper noun.
A colon is more appropriate here.
Either change the comma to a period or uncapitalize dinner.
Covered is misspelled here.
Uncapitalize didn't.
Change friendes to friends.
Since this is a title most of the words should be capitalized. This is one example of how it could be formatted.
I'm going to treat these thought sections as dialogue. Uncapitalize Do to do.
Capitalize well since it is the first word in a sentence.
Add some commas.
Cutie is misspelled. I recommend changing the period to an exclamation mark to better convey yelling. Add punctuation at the end, I chose an exclamation mark to better convey the yelling.
Capitalize heh. Change the comma at the end of the first sentence to a period since there is no dialogue tag.
Capitalize now and add a comma.
Capitalize yes, dam, and sweetie. Add ending punctuation.
Add some commas.
Add a comma.
Add a comma and uncapitalize aside.
Since this is the start of a new sentence, capitalize my.
A couple of things here. Add some commas. Uncapitalize rainbow since it isn't a proper noun. Finally, change ok to okay to improve sentence flow.
Capitalize worry since it is the beginning of a new sentence.
Uncapitalize rainboom since it is not a proper noun. Uncapitalize pegasus since you are not referring to the mythological horse named Pegasus.
Add a comma. Capitalise we'll since it is the first word in a sentence.
Capitalize makes since it is the first word in a sentence.
Uncapitalize pegasi since the name of a species is not a proper noun.
Capitalize Rainbow Dash since it is a proper noun. Fix the paragraph formatting as well.
Use your here instead of you're since you are using it as a possessive. Capitalize it too since it is the beginning of a sentence.
Add an apostriphe to Celestia's since it is a possessive noun. Capitalize most of the rest of the name of the school since it is a proper noun.
Uncapitalize don't and rainboom. Remove "putting quit" in order to make the sentace flow. Change ill to I'll since you are not refering to sickness.
Add some commas. Change ok to okay to improve sentence flow. Uncapitalize grandparents since it is not a proper noun here.
Remove the and since it does not lead to a continuation of the sentence.
Change the single quotation mark to a double quotation mark since that is what you have used used elsewhere. Capitalize my since it is the beginning of a sentence.
Capitalize Dam since it is a proper noun here.
Capitalize Dawn since it is a proper noun here.
Change ok to okay and add ending punctuation.
Each other should be eachother since it is being used as a pronoun.
Add some commas.
Uncapitalize bed and desk since they are not proper nouns.
Change ill to I'll since you are not refering to sickness.
Add a comma.
First, everything is misspelled here. Secondly, this is an incomplete sentence since it lacks a subject. Changing sorting to I sorted was the simplest fix I could see.
Changing the period to a comma would be appropriate here if you are considering the thinking as dialogue because thinking would be a dialogue tag.
I may have underestimated how long this would take. I am sure I have missed things. Sorry preemptively for errors in both suggestions and my personal grammar. Thanks for reading all this over, y'all.
My answer for showing up or awakening in another universe where changing the time line is a possibility is to simply disregard it. You just being there for any amount of time already changes whatever timeline you think was going to happen. You are in a separate universe then the one you new of so anything is up in the air.
For all you know just dropping a single bit in a beggars pan could stop a future calamity
This looks neat. I always enjoy handing a human magic and watching what happens, and agree with GeneraLeeDiscord, even existing at all means this is a Different Timeline, and Equestria has had plenty of Doomed ones anyway, so stepping in, making friends, and throwing hooves is the wise decision. He exists, now make it everybody's problem.
What exactly does Dawn actually look like specifically his Mane and Coat colors?
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It gets brought up in later chapters.
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I assume the convention follows Life Finds A Way, in which Dam is birth mother.
Just use mom/mother and dad/father? It's not like the show ever uses that level of detail with equine terms so it really makes zero sense why a story would. Just adds unnecessary complexity to it.
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It’s for the proper herd dynamics of the larger families.
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Okay so this is all going to have herd stuff and is going to look nothing like canon Equestria? Probably won't read much further then since I've never seen any of that fanon done well.
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Hi, give this work a chance, don't judge the book by the cover, this story can help you get better
Just started reading. So far, so good. A few grammar things here and there, but enjoying so far.
Having said that, I need to make a comment about one of the comments on this story.
It's already been down voted, but there needs to be more said about it.
Yeah. That one.
First of all...
media1.tenor.com/m/3x63SNMKPogAAAAd/oh-wait-youre-serious.gif
(Lol, are you serious?)
This commentor has the right to express their opinions. But as the lengthy comment went on and on, it went beyond opinion, to demanding, IMHO.
This story (as far as I know), was not commissioned by that person. They have no right to demand anything.
Imagine going to a place where a bunch of different bakers set up tables and were giving away cookies for free that they lovingly took time and effort to create. Their only reward is to see the happiness on your face when you enjoy it.
But then you hear someone say "you know what would make this cookie better? If you got rid of the walnuts and put in raisins instead. It would be so much more interesting!"
If you don't like it, you still say "thank you," and then move on. It's easy!
So I just found this today and I'm interested where this will go. I can tell this was inspired by "Life Finds a Way" even if you didn't mention it in the description, which is a good thing since it's a fantastic story, just don't be afraid to do your own thing too
I noticed a few small errors, and apparently I'm not the only one, so shout out to your guardian angel Chickler
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for their efforts.
As I basically told LiveFreeOrDie, I hope you take our corrections as encouragement and not malice, since it would be much easier to just move on than make comments like this. All we want to do is help.
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Missing a space.
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*of
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*Dash
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*quite
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Should be a " not a '
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*late, so why
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*them
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*Starlight
Your*
okay, I know you warned us in the author's note, but even without OCD I have to say this. Dam is not a word. I'm guessing you mean dad, but if the used pronouns are to be trusted I believe you would just say mom.
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https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dam
Definition three