- Member Since 31st Dec, 2013
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Necrogen Lord
Crossovers and Sci-Fi are my bread and butter.
Necrogen Lord
Joined 31st Dec, 2013 ·
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Thank you for this gift, Yoshikage Kira
A worse writer than you might have just slapped the prompt of skintight bodysuits on top of a random story, but that wouldn’t be good enough, not for you. You write on hard mode, the way writers are meant to suffer.
You made the prompt integral to the story. In other words, the story wouldn’t even work if you removed that part. And that’s the marking of a great author.
Overall, I think this is a great story and deserves a high ranking. I could say many good things about it, but I’m more of a negative critic because I believe that good things can’t be improved much. It’s the bad things where one can grow the most. You also said that you don’t mind the negativity which means I can take my gloves off.
Let’s take a step back and look at the story from afar first.
The sex tag might be a bit misleading. It’s not really needed. But, it’s kind of required by the Summer Sin event and it is also implied in the story, so I won’t linger on this.
The story could probably pass with a Teen rating, but again, I think the event required a Mature rating, so that couldn’t be helped.
The short description
could probably be spiced up.
‘Manage’ and ‘some’ aren’t very enticing words. The description also spoils the story a bit. It’s like subtitling Star Wars with: Luke blows up Deathstar. Or subtitling Harry Potter: Harry kills Voldemort, again.
This might also tie to another ‘problem’. The story has everything. The random tag might actually be appropriate because you’d otherwise have to throw extra 20 tags on it. It has adventure, drama, romance, porn,... You name it, it’s probably contained in this story.
With all of that, you still managed to keep the focus, so gratz on that. The story never loses sight of its goal. It moves forward and progresses.
While you as a writer played on hard mode, the characters played on easy mode. Sure, there was a challenge before them, but none of them took it very seriously and rightly so since it didn’t pose much of a problem for them. The most conflict and struggle come from the characters themselves. The story tripped over itself more than the actual world conflict. Again, that makes the random tag appropriate. It’s not meant to be a serious story.
The long description
Again, we get a bit of a spoiler:
And a bit of a peeve of mine:
For those of us who listen to the story instead of reading it, the use of [ hr ] might be more appropriate.
Story:
I love how it starts with the conflict right away. That’s what gets the reader invested.
The relationships are also laid clearly at the start which makes it easier to follow the story.
I do have to wonder a bit. Since Starlight knew Trixie might have caused all this extra work, wouldn’t it have been easier to just take her to Hayburger? Then again, maybe Starlight also likes to play life on hard mode.
I love all the lore and integration of the skintight bodysuits into the story. Also the many descriptions and interactions with the fabric.
And we see Trixie trying to be Great and Powerful, by any means.
This never gets answered.
Given how straightforward this backup plan B is, I do have to wonder what plan A would have been.
After finishing the mission, Starlight takes an extra prize and finishes her as well. Alas, it was all just a heat-stroke dream.
I love different perspectives on the same event. Starlight being focused, Flash being a typical boy and Trixie being useless Trixie that she is.
Overall, a very nice story with perfect grammar. Great job! This gift certainly made my day, so thank you again!
11661353
I'm very glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the criticisms, I take them all to heart, and I'll keep them in mind, especially the part of my scene breaks, I didn't know that the slashes are annoying for TTS users, that's my bad.
It is a teasing and sultry story, making you want more. Both for the saucy happenings, and the comedy that smacks you like a fish upside the head. Hinting at what is to come and even before it, and yet keeping you from outright blowing your top. If that's it's intended goal, which it seems to be, then it more than accomplishes this.