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Through voice and keys, a somnolent sister shares her heart out unto the night sky. Hoping, through held tears, to perhaps soothe her sister long gone, and not only herself. Awaiting an answer she knows will never come.
Written for The "New Blood" contest, in bonuses #1 and #4, for Bean's Writing Group.
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Interesting experiment in writing, I've enjoyed it.
11640350
I'm glad you did. It was just as much an experiment to write.
And I have corrected that by shifting the prolongation to 'i' instead, thanks.
I think I'm too tired to understand this. Why did the story repeat twice?
11653727
That would be a copy paste error, no idea how that slipped me--fixed, many thanks.
Here's your New Blood Contest feedback!
My original judgement of this, when I read it the first time, was that it was a very nice experimental story - but, like so many experimental stories, it loses some appeal by its structural novelty and strictness. I think this remains a fair assessment.
Right from the first paragraph, we can see the story uses a minimal, evocative style, both poetic and weird:
... Some errors here include the lack of an article in "Red curtain cloth shuffled quietly as she passed through them." 'Them' what? The curtains? Or the doors? I guess it could be the doors, but it's hard to tell - and as for the doors, they should creak "closed", not "close."
Maybe neither of these are errors - and the rest of the story is mostly free of mistakes. But I think the broader point to draw from this is that this is a very strange and unnatural writing style that makes error hard to tell from choice. The perfect thing to experiment with, yeah, but it doesn't make for flawless reading.
As for the narrative, and the song at the core of it, I'm... not really a musical person, so if there's some domain knowledge going into it, I've missed it completely. My takeaway is that I can't hear the song in my head, so it doesn't compel me the way it might otherwise, but I can see how the elegy compliments Celestia's grief and hope, so it's good stuff regardless.
Thanks for writing it, and thanks for participating in our little contest. I see you're writing quite a lot of stories these days, so I hope to continue to see more from you in the future.