Hearts ablaze

Luna is without a friend in the world. Nopony is ever awake to keep her company and every night is a long, agonizing burden. But one night she decides to go for a walk, and what she finds brings some "warmth" back in her life. My first fanfic, so be gentle please.

Chapters (5)

Chapter 1 · 1st Oct 2012 · 572 words
572
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 2 · 1st Oct 2012 · 530 words
530
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 3 · 29th Sep 2012 · 592 words
592
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 4 · 1st Oct 2012 · 605 words
605
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 5 · 30th Oct 2012 · 480 words
480
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 12 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 12
- Newest First
- Oldest First

awduipfghpafohu

awduipfghpafohu #1 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Good Day to you sir.

I am just going to say it right now. I like the idea (which is the first thing I've done were a Alicorn was presented) but you should make your chapters longer. Chapters with 500 words isn't that much and you should always aim at 1000 or more. Writing is hard, but you got great potential in this story.

HyperRandomness

HyperRandomness #2 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

This is an interesting story thus far, and could use a bit of grammatical work, but I like where this idea is going. I'm gonna tag along for the ride before I decide to make any brash judgments.

Yurikomaru

Yurikomaru #3 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

I like some of the ideas here, I would just say to space out the dialog a little more, have different paragraphs when different characters speak. (It helps the reader keep track of who is speaking)

images4.wikia.nocookie.net/kinglazy/images/0/09/My_little_vector_applejack_by_rudahn-d4e0rhg.png

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #4 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Interesting . . .

My first fanfic, so be gentle please.
This is the best way I know to ensure that commenters will not be gentle. Once you've put your story out there, you're held to the same standards as anypony else. This is actually a good thing, as the only was to improve is to recognize your weaknesses and work to overcome them.

So, in short, no. I will not be gentle.

New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.

Thoughts are usually italicized, rather than put in quotation marks. This makes it easier to distinguish what a character is thinking vs what they are saying out loud.

A few minor spelling/grammar errors ("their" for "they're," for example). Nothing major, but a good proofreader would catch them.

Alicorn OC! Abort! Abort! In all seriousness, people are going to hate this fic for that alone. Now, OC alicorns can be done well, but it's very rare and takes a lot of effort, so be prepared. I appreciate that you gave Blaze an actual reason to be an alicorn, but it opens up a whole host of other questions, like where all the other alicorns went, and when, and why, and why nopony else has notice an immortal demigod of fire hanging around Canterlot in the last millenium.

Too fast. Your chapters are very short, and the story feels rushed. This is bad, especially for something dealing with Luna and her adaptation to modern society. Generally speaking, each chapter should be at least 1,000 words. This isn't an absolute rule, but it's a good rule of thumb. In particular, Luna hasn't seen Blaze in centuries, and the reader has never seen him. This deserves quite a bit of elaboration. What does Blaze look like, exactly? How does Luna feel? Does her heart seem to stop when she recognizes him? Had she forgotten him entirely? Does she expect that he'll hate her form becoming Nightmare Moon? Does he hesitate to approach her? Stuff like that.

The whole demonization of fire seems weird to me. Fire is pretty central to civilization, and it seems odd that it would come to be considered evil. Not saying this is bad, but it strikes me as weird, especially given that Equestria varies between a medieval tech level and a roughly 1800s tech level (with some anachronisms like video games). As far as I know, Equestria does not have electricity.

All in all, this has the potential to be pretty decent. Your main flaw is the rushed pace; fix that and the grammatical issues, and you'll have something that might be good. Too early to tell for sure, especially since OC/major character shipping is always a tricky thing to pull off, but you have definite potential.

Good luck, and keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you want.

Fuster Cluck

Fuster Cluck #5 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

1354240 I'll try to make them longer and fix the grammar errors.
I do believe that Equestria has electricity since they have modern day ovens and stoves, along with speakers and turn tables, they also mention the word light switch once in a while

Fuster Cluck