- Member Since 9th Oct, 2019
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
WurkyWilk358 0w0
Just your average Brony here to read and write stories about the show the rest of us bronies and pegasisters have come to admire and still enjoy watching from time to time.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Good story ^^
Due to this retarded contest, anthro fics are flooding Fimfic. If there wasn't already enough of this trash on the site. Real shame.
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Please refrain from posting negative comments on my story. If you don't have anything nice to say, then simply don't read it. Thank you.
Lmao that ending got me
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Sounds like the man baby is angy. Get over yourself.
This was fun to write. I hope we can do another one.
Cover artist?
Was wondering how would an actual horse from another franchise work with this. It was indeed done more natural and better than expected.
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Proposing actual strategies to solve the issue in question would be nice, too bad that those who complain often can't do more than that.
This is your official review for the Furry Foray Festival Contest!
I've tried to be as objective as possible, but of course there are limits. I've tried to avoid being biased or arbitrary as much as I can, and hopefully I've succeeded at least somewhat. The full, final results will be announced on May 4th, and winners will be contacted shortly afterward to ask how they would like to accept their prizes. When readings these comments, please keep in mind that I know I'm often overly critical -- to the point where I can always find nitpicks even with the greatest works of literature. So don't take anything personally!
Notes:
- Are you sure you didn't mean Cum Rain and Shine? (Sorry, I had to. It's the rules.)
- Sugar Belle sure does seem to trust her husband a lot, immediately leaving him alone with the gorgeous stranger who just showed up. Makes me wonder if she'll end up regretting that ... or maybe they have more of an open relationship and she's totally fine with him fooling around with other mares?
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Mac watched as Rain moved along the tree, pressing her body up against it, and letting out tiny moanslol, I did not expect the first hint of eroticism from this story to be with a tree! It's full of surprises!-
Mac was tasked with supervising Rain while she bucked apples for him.It's as if this family wants Mac to cheat on his wife...- Well that's a heck of a take on Rain's backstory! (I'm reminded again of how uncomfortable I am with the way MLP made their 'Indian' equivalents into a completely different species. But that's not your fault.)
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“Smooth, Mac, real smooth…” Mac grumbledHonestly, that was pretty smooth, all things considered. Also ... so is he trying to get with her at this point? Why else would he care how 'smooth' he's being?-
Some Time LaterMonths have gone by since Rain started working at the farm.Why not just have the section break say 'Four Months Later' or whatever, then? Seems odd that the other section breaks have been pretty precise with how much time they skip, but this one only says 'some time' ... especially since the narration then immediately gives a more specific timeframe.- Seems awfully convenient that Sugar Belle and Big Mac would just happen to stumble upon Rain when she's bathing and masturbating...
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his fuck stickSigh... Things were going so well, but then this popped up.-
Suga’s pussyA pirate could teach you a lesson or two about remembering to include your Arrrs.- As a more general note, the dialog during the sex scenes is ... kind of bad. Far too on-the-nose, and it doesn't really sound appropriate to the characters. Almost all of the dialog during each of the sex scenes sounds painfully awkward.
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his virile fuck muckDo I even have to say anything? This fic is generally really good ... but wording like this is kind of ruining things.-
“Come over here and get on the floor~.”The floor ... of the creek?-
With a few more well-timed thrusts at just the right angelRain is an angel now? Or has a certain bunny joined into the fun?-
Contrary to his belief, everyone was wide awake in bed, shocked by what they had heard. Rainbow, who was staying over with Applejack, was especially shocked.This line is great -- really making me laugh. And sure, Rainbow was 'staying over' with AJ. You know, like good friends do ... after a date. I guess they're better at being quiet about it, though.- I really enjoy this fic's premise, pacing, and rich details ... but the often cringe-inducing wording and awkward dialog is really holding the story back. It's in an odd place where the core of the story is great ... but the superficial things about it are kind of terrible. With some surface-level refinement from a good editor, this could be a truly great clopfic.
- I'm kind of impressed that this story keeps going. It would have been very easy to just quit after the first or second sex scene ... but no -- this story keeps on delivering more and more!
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to smear my name all over town by spreading rumors that I was an adulting whorseI mean ... given what she's done in the story so far...- Yep ... I had a feeling this was going to end in poly marriage. And for once, it actually feels like a story has done the work to earn it.
- Heh, wow, and this fic keeps going, even after the wedding! I keep expecting that to be it, but wait, there's more! (Maybe this should have been a multi-chapter story?)
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he watched his two wives kids each otherFreudian slip, thinking about their upcoming foals too much?-
Rain looked at her stomach and saw the little apple on it.Huh ... not often I see paternity marks on Fimfic. I like it!- Rain naming her foal 'Spirit' is kind of bizarre.
- lol, including Loona at the end comes close to qualifying for the Double Trouble prize ... but since she's not included in any of the sex scenes, I guess not. Anyway, I definitely wasn't expecting that! It's interesting that after so many places this fic could have ended, that's where you chose to end it.
Scores:
Provocativeness: 80
Progression: 70
Payoff: 95
Pacing: 40
Personality: 50
Prose: 45
Total: 380
For more information on what these scores mean, see the scoring rubric.