A Day With Her Friends (Part 1)
*~~~~~*
It had taken a while, but after searching most of Ponyville, Twilight and the others found Spike hiding out behind the library. After Twilight coaxed him out and convinced him that he wasn’t in trouble, they all went inside to help Twilight with her schedule. With a bit of discussion they decided to have Fluttershy watch her first, while Pinkie Pie insisted on caring for her next, that being her day off. When they finally finished planning, they left Twilight to get things sorted out in the library before she left. After an uneventful night, Twilight was anxiously waiting by the door the next day, waiting for Fluttershy to arrive.
“Spike, you’re sure that you’ll be Ok taking care of the library while I’m gone?” Twilight called.
Spike looked out from the kitchen and rolled his eyes irritably. “For the last time Twilight, yes! Seriously, what else do I do around here?”
Sighing, Twilight looked down and shuffled her hooves. “I know Spike, I’m just a little anxious-”
“About me taking care of everything by myself,” Spike finished as he walked over to Twilight with his arms folded, getting a bit huffy. “We went over this with the girls.” He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t you trust me?”
Twilight’s eyes widened and she tried to backtrack. “Nonononono, I didn’t mean it like that, I pwomise!” she said waving her hooves frantically.
Spike hid his smirk behind his claw and snickered out, “Do you Pinkie pwomise?” Twilight frowned as he snickered, and was about to lecture him about diction, when a timid, but firm voice spoke from behind.
“Now Spike, what did we say about making fun of Twilight?”
Spike’s snickering immediately stopped and his pupils shrunk to pinpricks, looking over Twilight’s shoulder. “Oh, w-well look at my wrist, I need to go take my gems out of the oven!” He stuttered out before running back into the kitchen.
Twilight turned around and grinned. “Hi Fluttershy!” She said, hugging her foreleg. Fluttershy returned the embrace with a smile. “Hello Twilight! Did you get everything ready?”
“Yup!” Twilight chirped with a nod. She looked back over her shoulder and called, “Bye Spike!” before following Fluttershy outside.
They passed through town strangely without seeing anypony, not that Twilight was looking over her shoulder constantly to make sure or anything. After they passed the city limits, and Twilight was sure they were out of view; she turned to Fluttershy with a smile. “What are we going to be doing exactly?”
Fluttershy looked ahead as she thought for a moment. “Oh um, we’re just going to feed my animals, then have a small picnic that Mr. Bear set up for us.” She looked back at Twilight suddenly with a sheepish look on her face. “If that’s Ok with you,” she added quietly.
Twilight smiled brightly. “Of course that’s Ok Fluttershy!”
When they got to her cottage, the door suddenly opened and there stood Angel Bunny, staring angrily at Fluttershy. He pointed to Twilight and then back to himself, then irritably hopped back inside. Twilight looked back to Fluttershy in confusion. “Did I do something wrong?” she asked, tilting her head.
Fluttershy frowned and shook her head. “No, Angel just gets very jealous.”
When they walked in, the house was already buzzing with life. Birds were sitting on perches and singing, while squirrels and mice scampered around.
Twilight trotted over to the center of the room and turned to Fluttershy with a determined smile. “Ok Fluttershy, who do we feed first?” she asked.
Fluttershy gave her some acorns and pointed to a group of squirrels. Twilight studied them in her hoof for a second. “So I just give it to them right?” she asked. After Fluttershy nodded, Twilight turned back to the squirrels with a determined look and slowly made her way towards them. Stopping a few feet from them, she smiled nervously at them, and held the acorns out. They looked from her to the acorns before jumping over, grabbing their spoils with squeaks of appreciation, then scampering off.
The rest day went by with both Fluttershy and Twilight handing lunches to the critters, receiving squeaks and tweets of gratitude. All except for one anyway.
“Ow!” Twilight shouted, whirling around to find Angel hopping to Fluttershy, giving Twilight a smug look.
Rubbing her head where the carrot hit, she picked the carrot up and walked over to the front door where Fluttershy was giving Angel another carrot.
“Fluttershy, I don’t think Angel likes me very much. He hit me with his carrot!” Twilight complained with a pout, dropping the carrot at her feet.
Fluttershy gave Angel a stern look. “Angel we talked about this last week. You do not throw food at other ponies!” she said in a firm voice.
He gave her a ‘yeah right’ look, and hopped away, munching on his carrot.
Fluttershy sighed in Angel’s direction before turning to Twilight, giving her an apologetic look. “I’m really sorry about him. He’s always cranky when other ponies are around.” She said with a shuffle of her hoofs.
Twilight smiled in understanding before look around. “Well either way, that seems to be all of them,” she commented watching all the critters enjoy their meals.
“Oh my!!”
Twilight nearly flew with the birds in surprise. “What?! What!?”
“Oh Twilight, I almost forgot! We need to feed my reptile and amphibious friends too.” She said, looking outside worriedly.
Twilight stopped at the entrance when she heard what they needed to feed, her eyes widening. “Reptiles?” she said with a hint of nervousness in her voice. “That includes snakes right?” Twilight gulped. “I-I don’t think I can do that.” She said, backing her way into the cottage. “As much as I love helping with the animals, I think I’m gonna sit this one out.”
Fluttershy looked at her in concern. “Will you be fine here by yourself?” Twilight nodded hastily, jumping at the chance to avoid getting near snakes. Fluttershy looked at her for a moment before nodding at her. “Ok, I’ll try to be back as fast as I can,” she assured her before trotting away.
Twilight shut the door behind her and then went to see if she could try to talk to Angel without being a target. She was met with the carrot she left for him, sailing just above her head. After staring down Angel for a few minutes to make sure he didn’t throw anything else at her, Twilight heard a knocking from the front door. I wonder who that could be. Trotting her way over to the entrance, she opened the door to see Rainbow Dash, who was nothing less than surprised. “Twi? What are you doing here? Where’s Fluttershy?” she said, peering past Twilight into the cottage.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Do you remember anything that we went over yesterday, or did you forget after falling asleep?”
Rainbow only gave her a look.
Sighing, Twilight explained where Fluttershy was and why she was there, receiving an ‘Oh right, I knew that!’ from Rainbow.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “So why are you here?”
Rainbow waved her hoof offhandedly. “Just some awesome stuff.”
This time it was Twilight’s turn to stare.
“Fine,” Rainbow conceded after a few moments. “Fluttershy usually watches me try out some new tricks every week,” she stated nonchalantly looking at her hoofs, “and-”
Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Oh, oh can I watch?!” she pleaded, jumping up and down with a bubble of excitement and a big grin on her face.
Rainbow rubbed the back of her head, averting her eyes with a small frown. “I don’t know…” she started, looking back at Twilight before being stopped by an old enemy.
The puppy dog eyes.
Rainbow didn’t stand a chance. “Fine.” She said, rolling her eyes with a fond smile.
“Yay!” Twilight shouted happily before running inside.
Rainbow peered inside the cottage, confused. “What are you doing now?” Rainbow called out to her.
“I’m writing a note to Fluttershy, so when she comes back and gets worried that I’m not there, she won’t panic too much.” Twilight called back from the inside. Coming back out, she pinned the note on the door and turned to face Rainbow Dash. “Ready!” she smiled.
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Come on egghead,” she said as she started walking, an excited filly in tow.
The walk to the clearing was fairly short, with both not having much to say. When they arrived, Rainbow showed her where Fluttershy usually sat. Once Twilight got settled, Rainbow took off, warming up with her usual tricks and loops. When Twilight’s excited cheering reached her ears, she smirked and started to do more difficult tricks, trying to do tricks worthy of cheering, doing all but the sonic rainboom.
“You've gotten so much better!” Twilight remarked when Rainbow finally came down. "It looks so cool from down here."
Embarrassed but clearly pleased, Rainbow puffed out her chest and flared her wings. “It was pretty cool.” She looked up to the sky and came up with an awesome idea. “You wanna try and see it first hoof?”
Twilight was stunned for a moment before looking like she might burst. “You mean fly with you? Can you do that?”
Rainbow nodded and gave her trademark grin, then bent down for Twilight to jump onto her back, letting her lying down between her wings. “Hold on tight!” Rainbow warned, barely giving Twilight a second to grab onto her neck before she kicked off, the wind clawing through their manes as Rainbow flew higher and higher, the sparse clouds whipping past them like falling stones.
“Better get ready!” Rainbow shouted. Though Twilight barely heard her, she tightened her grip on Rainbow’s neck and squeezed her eyes shut as they started to go faster. Leveling out after a while, Rainbow called back, “C’mon Twilight, open your eyes, you’re going to miss it! I know you have them closed right now!” she said as they slowed down to a hover. It was then Twilight slowly opened her eyes and let out a gasp to rival Pinkie Pie’s. The view Rainbow had gotten them to was breathtaking. The sun was sinking into the horizon; casting an array of orange, red, and pink glows to a few stray clouds, making the world below it look almost dreamlike.
Twilight slowly sat up straighter as she took in the scene with wide and amazed eyes before finding her voice again. “This! Is! So! Awesome!” Twilight shouted, throwing her hooves in the air with an ecstatic laugh.
Rainbow turned her head with a smirk. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Slowly, she descended, touching the ground right when the sun completely disappeared.
Twilight looked around for a moment before snuggling into Rainbow's mane.
"Um, what are you doing?" Rainbow asked with a small blush on her face, trying to look back at Twilight.
Twilight's grip tightened. "I'm, uh, tired! Yea, and I can't walk yet. So I'm gonna stay here."
"Really?" Rainbow asked. She felt Twilight nod.
Sighing, Rainbow made her way back to Fluttershy’s cottage, careful not to shake her passenger. Just like the trip before, the walk back to the cottage was silent for the most part. When it came into view, Rainbow saw Fluttershy walking in and out of the door, as if debating if she should leave or not. Rolling her eyes at her overly protective friend, Rainbow continued to make her way towards her. When Fluttershy saw the pair, she looked as if she almost passed out with relief.
“Thank goodness you’re back! I was about to go looking for you two,” Fluttershy exclaimed, fluttering over to the two.
Hearing Fluttershy’s voice, Twilight popped her head out from Rainbow’s mane with an apologetic look and jumped onto the ground in front of Fluttershy. “We sorta lost track of time.” She said sheepishly, shuffling her hooves.
When Fluttershy turned to Rainbow Dash with a stern glare, Rainbow shrank back a little. “Uh, yea sorry ‘shy,” she said with an equally sheepish grin.
Fluttershy’s glare softened. “It’s Ok you two, just as long as you’re safe.” She added with a smile.
“Of course!” Rainbow said with a confident look, until her stomach growled. “Ehehe,” she chuckled, a small blush coming to her cheeks.
“Oh, would you like to come in and eat?” Fluttershy asked politely. “I’ve made plenty of food.”
“Yea Rainbow, come eat-” Twilight started before her stomach growled too.
“Oh, you poor thing! You must be starving!” Fluttershy exclaimed, scooping her up and carrying her inside to the kitchen, instantly forgetting Rainbow outside. “Hey! What about me?” Rainbow Dash shouted indignantly from the door before giving up and sighing, following them to the kitchen.
As they ate, Twilight told Fluttershy all about Rainbow’s cool tricks and how awesome flying was after. When Fluttershy asked the mare herself, she just shrugged and kept eating. After they finished, Fluttershy shooed them both to the living room while she did the dishes. They both sat on opposite ends of the couch, Rainbow nodding off, and Twilight giggling at the bobbing mare. Soon after, Fluttershy trotted over to the two and turned to Rainbow.
“Would you mind watching Twilight while I take care of the nocturnal animals? It will probably take all night, and I don’t want to leave Twilight alone again. I already have beds set up for you both.” She said in a slight hurry.
Rainbow snapped out of the daze and looked at her in confusion. “Wha?”
“Yay! A sleepover!” Twilight shouted joyfully, jumping over to Rainbow.
“Thanks Rainbow,” Fluttershy said with a grin while she walked away.
“Wait, I didn’t agree to this!” Rainbow frantically called to her retreating figure, but it was too late; the mare had already closed the door behind her.
“What do you want to do first?” Twilight asked with an excited gleam in her eyes.
Rainbow looked over at her before yawning in reply.
“Aww c’mon!” Twilight complained, dropping her smile and throwing her hooves in the air.
“Alright, alright, I was just messin’ with ya.” She rolled her eyes, poking Twilight’s side.
“Eep!” Twilight exclaimed before unconsciously retreating a bit further into the couch.
Rainbow froze, before giving Twilight a sinister grin. “Twilight Sparkle, are you ticklish?” she asked with a bit of teasing in her tone. Twilight blushed and rapidly shook her head with wide eyes, pulling a couch pillow over her stomach. Rainbow Dash, however, didn’t look convinced. “Oh really? Then you wouldn’t mind if I did… This!” Rainbow suddenly lunged forward, jabbing at Twilight’s exposed sides.
“N-no! Ha-ha, c-cut it out!” Twilight gasped out, squirming off of the couch. Rainbow dove after her, barely giving her a moments rest before attacking again. After a few minutes of nonstop tickle terror, Twilight could take no more. “I s-surrender! N-no m-more!” Twilight wheezed in-between fits of giggles. Rainbow gave one last poke before going over to lie down on her makeshift bed, hoofs behind her head and a trace of a small smile still on her face. Twilight made her way to hers and plopped down, exhaustion threatening to take her. Rainbow looked thoughtful for a minute or two before looking over at Twilight with a nervous expression.
“Hey Twi, can I ask you something?”
Twilight looked over to where Rainbow was lying in confusion. “Sure, I guess.”
Rainbow seemed to struggle with her next words. “Have you ever had a sister?” she finally asked.
“A Sister?” Twilight looked at her quizzically, not expecting that in the least. “No, why?”
Rainbow rolled around but couldn’t bring herself to face her. “I was kinda wondering……maybe if…..I could be…”
Twilight leaned forward, straining to hear in vain. “I’m sorry, I thought I was talking to Rainbow Dash, not Fluttershy,” she teased with a smile.
Rainbow folded her ears back in embarrassment with a pout, but tried again. “It’s just, I’ve never had a sister before, and I was kinda thinking that if you want I could be yours, ‘cause I know you’d-”she got out before being cut off by a purple missile.
Twilight hugged Rainbow tightly and snuggled into her side and sighed. “I’ve always wanted a big sister,” she murmured before the day events finally caught up with her, her eyes closing as she fell asleep. Rainbow blinked at her then glanced around to make sure Fluttershy was still gone before looking back to Twilight. With a gentle smile, she nuzzled Twilight back and softly whispered, “You‘d be an awesome one.”
Curling around Twilight, Rainbow put her head down and soon started to snore softly, breathing in rhythm with her new little sister. It was some time later when Fluttershy came in and quietly put a small blanket over the two and gave them both a kiss on the forehead.
“Goodnight.” She whispered, closing the door softly behind her.
*~~~~~*
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Up vote like and faved on concept alone
This is very nice
keep going please 
Rainbow, aren't you forgetting about someone?
Mental Regression...... oh Twi
hehe, but good chapter.
And the HNNNNGH! contines.
The title sounds like something from a very bad comic book. THey usually say something like: Suddenly, he died! THE END.
yes NEW Chapter!
and you did good!
If u need an editor I can take a look at them
You will type more. I have a Pinkie Pie and I'm not afraid to use it!
Yay...new chapter...now that I have had my fill I gotta find that fav and like buttons, dood.
Even though it A) has been done all the time and B) sort of the main case behind all "Adult to Filly" scenarios...I think I am getting tired of the mental regression...mostly because I the first several times I have encountered Age regression stories/episodes, it never involved mental regression...but I can't name the sources.
Still good story.
I can edit for you, I am a grammar Dalek.
this is sooo cute >w<
This is now the 50th fanfiction I put on "read it later." Man, I really need to work this out.
This story made me d'aww so hard my jaw hurts. Also,
1747383
50, ha! I've got 281! Now I need to go back and read them.
1389671
Twilight: Do you expect me to boast Trixie?
Trixie: No Ms.Sparkle, I expect you to-
Be transformed into a filly causing hilarity and adorablitous to kill my unhappy bone?
Yeah sure! Let's go with that!
I'm just wondering when Shining Armor finds out that he has to deal with a baby sister again.
I wish I could do more than just Favorite and upvote... I love this story.
Rainbow Dash is best sister.
Why does my gut tell me that indulging her regression is the worst thing they could be doing?
The chapter has lived up to the previous. I have one slight issue. You used Twilight's regressed r-replacement, once. She says "Pwomise." but then, the other times she makes the "r" sound, she doesn't have that slight impediment. It seems to me like she would do it every time she goes to make the soft "r" sound.
1747794
Her regression was kinda the whole point.
Twilight missed out on her childhood the first time so (who or whatever it was that did it) decided to reward her with a second childhood.
If she does not regress (and learn what childhood was supposed to be like) there is no telling how long she will be stuck as a filly.
1747383 Only 50? I have over 250 still climbing...
1747472 *Brohoof*
1748044 1747472
Well, damn! Then again, I haven't been on here as long as you two, probably. At the rate I'm going, it could rise easily soon. Forget homework, I have me some fanfiction to read!
“Twilight Sparkle, are you ticklish?”
Ok, This is the only thing I find lumpy in the story. Do they know it's her, or not? If not they should still be a bit upset at the disappearance of their friend, and curious as to who the filly belongs to.
I will be very disapoint if no CMC happens soon.
nice i remember why im trakking this now
a reference?-i've always wanted to...
and
(Big Sister Best Friend Forever)
is it from Corduroy
this is the one that stood out besides the ones from MLP:FIM
1747472
Just 281? I am disappoint. Try 1,255!
Wouldn't they have informed Celestia about this ASAP?
1748609 no, try 355. This is Sparta!
1748761
I have 1,255 - not 255.
kristinhoppe.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/this-is-sparta-7.jpg
1748142 - After Spike walked into the library in Chapter 2, he revealed that she was Sparkle, not Twinkle...
1748678 - In Chapter 2, in the comments section, he said that this is based before the wedding...
So...a little sister... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png
A big sister... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png
I guess finding out how to undo this is Future Twilight's problems... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_future.png
Oh, and turning into a filly is not inspired by anything... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png
Good story, though, reading on...
GGGRRREEEAAAAATTTTT Chapter.
I'm guessing you already have an editor, but if not, then hi.
Anyway, two months? What do you do with your life? I'm guessing being with friends and knowing what that bright thing in the sky is. Oh well, I can wait.
Instant fav and thumby thing ~squee
MORE PWEASE!
I'm also wondering if Rainbow has forgotten Scootaloo... but filly Twilight is still too cute.
I look forward to see the next part. Maybe the CMC will get a fourth member for a while. The question is, will Twilight want to grow back to her normal self and way of life when a counterspell is found, or will she want to stick as a filly to live her more or less missed childhood?
wait....
'“Aww c’mon!” Twilight complained, dropping her smile and throwing her hooves in the air.'
sweetiebelle much...
I am envious of the apparent ability you have for making this popular. Will give it a good read through later on.
You bastard. I am sending you the bill for the diabetes medicine I now require to live.
Yay uppdate :D
Lovely this is easily one of my favorite stories for the time being.
Keep up the awesome work and always remember that your awesome.
With love Asabrasa
Little purple missile of Da'www.
This is a really fun read and filly twilight adorable
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4973-1337298618035.png
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw321_moar-11.png
1748680 They probably assumed that Spike did already.
1750332 I have only one thing to say to that:
//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png
Cannot wait for chapter 4!
Have filly Twi in a pimp hat. (which I had to make cause I could not find one, you guy's are welcome.)
25.media.tumblr.com/c4515f45f802e68ff685b0decebe275f/tumblr_meomohVFg31rs7gfvo1_r1_1280.png
EDIT: fix'd a slight problem with the hat.
1747167
dont worry, you can never have too many awesome sisters!
It's cute, but I'm not too sure how comfortable I am with the behaviour changes.
WHY U NO RITE MOAR?? IT HURT ME INSIDE!!!
Please, Please write more!
I thought she was "Twilight Twinkle"... Also isn't Twilight Sparkle supposed to be her big sister?
OH MAI DAWWWWW!!!!!
THE CUTE IS GONNA MAKE ME SPLODE!!!
Yes. I found no errors or references AT ALL.
Your description, as I recall(writting this with no internet), asked for any advice we had to offer. So here goes.
This is a bit of a handful. I would suggest saying "Pinkie insisted on caring for her next, because it would be her day off."
The "on her day off the next day" is a bit awkward, and it feels weird to read. Any time you're talking about what a day is AND when it is in relation to the present, try to avoid using the word day twice. It feels awkward and a teensy bit repetitive, and, while that's not a major problem, it does make you a better writer to fix it. In fact, whenever talking about something and another aspect of it, it's best to try and avoid repeating the word in the same sentence, or it can create the impression that there are two of it, or simply muddle and confuse the issue. It took two readings before I understood you were saying "her day off was the day after so she would care for her then", and not "She would care for her on her day off and the day after".
while these kinds of jokes can be fun and clever, I would tend to avoid them unless you are explicitly building a story for those kinds of jokes. Hitchhiker's guide may be well loved, but you shouldn't let that override common sense and good literary techniques.
Slightly run-on. Commas are ever important, especially when dealing with multiple actions like this. If you can find a good place to throw in a comma, try breaking it into separate thoughts, or rephrasing. I, personally, would go with "They examined her thoroughly before turning their attention to the acorns she held in her hooves. Jumping over to her they squeaked their appreciation, before scampering off to enjoy their spoils." but that's just me, and I'm a wordy son of a bitch. As a rule, you shouldn't write a whole line like this without a single piece of punctuation. If you're not sure if something is run on, say it out loud. If it feels awkward to say, it could probably do with some revision.(note- if you find yourself pausing automatically despite not having any commas, put commas in those spots. your subconscious knows how you'd say something, and listening to it isn't a bad idea)
moving on from specifics, Twilight seems a bit... scattered. I know she's sarcastic and dry a lot of the time, but you're clearly going with the idea that Twilight has regressed mentally as well. It would be better if, rather than making her either behave exactly like a child or exactly like an adult, you made her try to act like she knew she did as an adult, but have something betray her, like the "hun-gwy" in the first chapter did. Again, you're doing a good job of this some of the time, but that simply makes her scenes with fluttershy(where she seems to be treating her as a mother-figure) seem at odds with her scenes with rainbow and spike(where she plays the role of the inconvenienced straight mare). Try to combine the two attitudes a little more, and she'll feel more like a single, coherent character, rather than two sides of a coin(unless that's the effect you're going for, I suppose. It might make sense that with Rainbow and Spike making fun of her for being so little she would try to act grown up to prove them wrong, but fluttershy provides a safe haven to be... well, not herself, but certainly a filly. However, even then, the effect doesn't come off as Twilight TRYING to be adult-like, it comes off as Twilight being an adult.)
A great example of this is her sudden jump from excited filly to responsible adult. How many kids do you know of who, at six, if their friend asked them to go play somewhere while their mom was out, would think to write a note? And yet, somehow, Twilight does. In the moment when I would think her most vulnerable to these changes, she behaves as though she hasn't changed at all. :/
Oh, and if you're still in need of an editor for this and want me, I'd be glad to help.
Since when did they figure out that it was Twilight Sparkle?!
I thought they thought she was Twilight TWINKLE!