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Celestia watches over everypony in Equestria...but can her all seeing light actually see EVERYTHING? No...sadly it can't and hidden in the dark was a tragedy ready to unfold. If only she knew....if only she could've saved them.
Here is a reading of the story by The Grey Channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wRc9n8l45s
Give it a listen and give this man a subscription!
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This needs to be no longer.
This needs to be no shorter.
I can't find many flaws in this besides the occasional punctuation and gramar error, and even these are few.
This is a great story.
Not bad of sad reading, have a thumbs up!
This... will be affecting my dreams tonight.
I.......I can't even form words about this. I......thank you......thank you so much.
Well. That's was depressing.
Thanks for the story! Liked, you deserve it.
I like the idea. The idea is actually unique to a degree. There were a few issues though. This is merely a critique, nothing more.
The first issue is P.O.V. The first two paragraphs are spoken by...who? Are they an author insert? Celestia recapping something to Twi? Did Rose or Dranlu learn Astral Projection? Is it the annoying 50's Narrator voice? A little clarification here will help the flow of your story, and will help the second issue I noticed in the character of Rose.
Basically, Rose has a slightly Winona Ryder feel from Beetlejuice, but is mostly cliche This, perhaps, could have flushed out more. She feels very stereotypical of Goths/Emos at that stage in their life without that spark of individuality to make the character memorable. The limited constraints of a small fic makes it a difficult thing.
I think the second paragraph could have been a nice jumping off point to explore her character. For example, with some edits for grammar:
It felt like the paragraph could be broken up for ease of reading. Some added emphasis such as italics and placement of words could help make this feel more like a letter.
The sentences were broken up for ease of use. Long ones are good for stringing together descriptors or to help the pacing of events. Shorter ones, with more "powerful" words (wounds, etc) help to put emphasis on feeling. At least I'm a believer of such.
There were too many "..." to really flow well. Spot usage adds a great impact, but too many in a row makes it lose that point you're getting across.
Granted there was some turbulence in the letter, but Rose decided to really go through with it, so there was no reason for a stream of thought there for that long. A nice place was where it was indicated, to really add meaning to her feelings of uselessness.
The choice of Rose being a goth is interesting, but not much out of the ordinary for how people view them. Have you considered look at her from a different perspective? A normal pony that can't relate to her world and, in her mind, never will? Just a thought.
Dranlu (the character) was a bit too Emo for my taste, with too much of a sudden Romeo archetype to really make that binding impact. A brief history would help more here for people to understand that love he felt. People are suckers for events and places. Granted, this is difficult in the confines of a letter during a traumatic event, but still more has to be there.
With all that out of the way, you did well overall with the idea, the execution, and some of the emotional pull. Suicide is ever a touchy thing, and I believe you handled it with tact.
Overall, a good piece that could have more impact. Good job.
Stealth edit for clarification.
While not the saddest, this has enough sadness and feel in it to make me touched by the story.
Not even the rare mistake disrupted the feel - well done to you. Sad yet beautiful
This is for sure a well writen story aldo some minor mistakes like:
"I hold this knife in my hand and raise it high into the air!”
but this story was pretty touching
This is one of the more depressing stories that i have read
also i think it is fine just the way it is
Emo story is Emo.
1314853 prowebsurfer.com/public/toolbar/content/images/0/0/0/3/2/0003231/1784/go%20cry%20emo%20kid.jpg
1315068
Ex-ACTLY
I can't say we need more like it, but this story is one that should be read, because it shows us that it's not all cake, butterflies, rainbows and cider.
Not even close.
1315077 Now, me myself, I love a good emo story. It helps keep things real for me. Unless they pull it off terribly. Then it's always good for a laugh. That said, I'll read this fic now.
Awww.... That's so sad
I used to be like that. I was always excluded, and emo and maybe even..... I don't wanna go there. but this story tells the truth. Being kind to someone can save a life <3
1315068 As i've stated on my deviant art account (Should probably say it here) I'm not an emo kid- Im a happy metal head XD
In fact when i was writing this story I was talking to my friends smiling and laughing while writing it. Of course by the time I finished writing the story i did get some feels, it is sad story or at least its intended to be.
This story does invoke emotion, though the point I was trying to get across is this: Everypony should love and tolerate one another, not discriminate just because someone is different.
Hm...the problem with this story, is, well...it's been done. (A similar story was in "Big Wolf on Campus" fanfics, actually)
Within the sub-genre, it's a good one. Just...it's a very specific subgenre. Anvilicious story on things that lead to suicide. Not a bad one, I gave it a thumbs-up.
Still, I'm curious. What inspired writing this?
1316395 Thank you for reading and for the thumbs up, yes there are many stories like this. I can relate to Romeo and Juliet myself.
I was inspired to write this from a few things. I just started college about 3 weeks ago, we had a big seminar on how we should treat and respect each other. I took the seminar to heart and so did most of the students there. Back went when i was in Highschool we had a suicide prevention speaker, he had a lot of stuff to say, but one thing in particular caught my attention. He told a story about a kid who was being picked on everyday at school, he was called a nerd, beaten up, and he didn't have any friends - much like Rose in my story. Well this kid was tired of it, he was on his way home carrying a bunch of books when some kids came up and knocked him and all of his books over. (There was another speaker during this program too) - he was the one who saw this happen, he swallowed his pride and helped the kids, fighting off the bullies, helped the kid pick his books up, and even offered to help with his homework.
The kids eventually became friends and some years passed by. They were now seniors ready to graduate, the school was holding a contest for who had the best story throughout the years of Highschool. The kid who was being bullied stepped up to the microphone and began to speak this is what he had to say, "I remember...3 years ago i was walking home. I was sick and tired of everyone treating me so horribly....I got knocked over and beaten up like usual. But then (Lets say his name was Joe) Joe came to help me. he did so much more than offer me help and friendship. He saved my life. That night I was going to take my fathers revolver and kill myself, I had nothing to live for until Joe showed me that i was worth something."
The speakers ended up being the 2 kids they were talking about in the story. Which leads me to my story, My story uses the ideas from this story EXCEPT the hero (Dranlu) was just a little late.
sorry if this is a lot to read - but that was how i came up with this story.
This one was waayyy to close to home. I had a horrible youth at school. It was hell and I remember so many times grabbing my fathers pistol from his drawer.............lucky for me (and possibly my tormentors) I was to scared to actually use it....or use it on myself.......some may call it cowardice....but I would contest that it has made me stronger to be able to forgive those who have wronged me, and to know every day when I look into the eyes of my son and my wife that my life is worth living. I am also in a unique position to teach my son how bullying can destroy lives, as well as to teach him not to be a victim.
Kudos on the fic.....It is far more powerful than you can imagine......it touched a nerve here.
wow that is sad have a spikestache
1315448 I haven't read the story yet, I was making a response to someone who thought your story was emo
I should probably go and read this fic now. It looks to be very promising.
In my opinion, they were both utter morons. Nevertheless, a very good read. They're were a little too many ellipses, commas could have worked for most of them, but apart from that, a pretty good story on the whole.
*AHEM*
Now that I've read this, let me put some things in:
As a school shooting surviver and a victim of bullying, mental and physical, since the age of 8, i had higher hopes for this. You needed more foreshadowing, needed to take it closer... you had too little inform to make me really FEEL for them. i was teased in a very similer way to Rose. it fucked me up so much i had to make my own friends in my head, and now i have a multiple personality disorder. The thing with Rose and Dranlu is that you didn't devolpe them enough.
However, it was a fun little read, and
i.qkme.me/36ad3a.jpg
1316579
Ah. Heard that story too. It was in Chicken Soup for the soul...huh. Though, some details were altered I think. *nods* I can't say I liked this story, or necessarially found it meaningful...but only because I'm not the target audience. I try to live my life by 'not bullying people/being the person to help'.
That was... depressing
You know....Rose's story was lovely in how tragic it was, but Dranlu really chose the wrong way to go down. He should've lived to tell her tale and assist in promoting a more understanding, harmonious Equestria with all the fervor that caused him to commit suicide in hopes of being with Rose in the afterlife.
Aside from that, I liked it. The letters left by Rose and Dranlu were kinda cheesy to read, especially Dranlu's confessions of love in all of their intensely purple proseness, but the whole story overall was very well-written.
Please, do make more!
1319506 Thank you, This was the first short story i've ever written. I've been getting a lot of positive feedback on it and I will be writing more in the near future
1313831 Thanks for the comment, I'm Glad you enjoyed the story.
1320048
I'm still in school and I suffer this everyday, but nobody except my friends seems to realize what I'm feeling/what I could do, so this was like watching what could happen in my life if I chose death.
I absolutely loved every second of reading this story. Manly (can a female shed manly tears? They weren't girly ones..) tears were shed.
Great story. Depressing, but good. It hits one of the less talked about subjescts (in real life) and is well written. Defintely deserves a thumbs-up. Nice job.
A depressing story, but very well written. The story doesn't need to be any longer or any shorter then it already is. This feels like the first genuine thumbs up I've given today.
1329244 Yes they can ^.^ *hugs*
Thanks for reading, i'm gad you enjoyed it.
Dear Dranlu,
Your story got to me.
So much that I felt compelled to not only comment, but to try to compile my thoughts on it in an effort to provide you with a bit of feedback that you might be able to use as constructive criticism to improve your writing.
The great idea of using two suicide notes to tell part of the story falters a bit when those notes didn't feel like they were written by ponies about to end their own lives, or like suicide notes at all. They felt more like just a different point of view for the author to tell the story from.
You should have written them exclusively as suicide notes, and left anything that didn't fit out of it.
The dialogue between Twilight and Celestia doesn't feel natural or flowing. It felt more like they were reading from a script, and also desperately trying to convey all the details the author had thought up.
Don't be afraid to omit details that aren't absolutely necessary for the story, or letting the reader reach conclusions of her own. There is no need to write the reader on the nose what to think or feel, or which conclusions to draw.
For example, you could have had Celestias response to Twilights question ("These are fictional... right?") be non-verbal (Celestia's silence spoke volumes) and perhaps achieved a greater impact on the reader.
As for direct mistakes, there were a few such as "verses" instead of "versus", "site" instead of "sight" and "quite" instead of "quiet", but nothing to make the story unreadable. Save perhaps for the misuse of dotting.
You overused it here quite a bit, but that is more of a stylistic aspect. More importantly A) there should always be a space after the dots, and B) there should be three dots, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt dot, and the number of the dotting shall be three. Four shalt thou not dot, neither dottest thou two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out.
Also, you invoked one of my pet peeves: Digits In Text.
This should be avoided at all costs. The number of cases where digits in the text would be a good idea are ridiculously low. For the love of Equestria spell it out. It should be "two scrolls" and "two ponies", NOT "2 scrolls" or "2 ponies"!
Please, no! Don't! I beg of you.
By now you might have gotten the idea that I thought your story to be crap. Far from it!
The idea behind it is absolutely brilliant! The subject and situation well handled.
I believe you will develop into a great writer over time. I will therefor be watching you.
One thing I did not like or understand: The strange notion of suicide being "the cowards way out."
To make the decision to end your own life, to take control of your destiny, to become the master of your own fate. That takes guts. That is deserving of respect and nothing I would associate with cowardice.
Another thing I didn't like, but shows what an impact the story had on me, is the thought it put in my head: What if there is a female in a similar situation to Rose Light's out there somewhere, whose suffering I could soothe by simply being hers, like your alter ego could have done in this story?
Now that is a disturbing thought.
I see you have changed Dranlu beating Rose toward the end of the story :p Anyway, second read,
and it's still a love c:
Damn, I have a thing for suicide fics. You should type more :D
And sorry, I need to ask, is this based on a true story? :o
1480913
Amazing! Any sad/deppresing/suicide fic I'll always give a read :)
would you mind sending me your life story when it's done please?
So while I was reading this fic it made me really sad. Now this is just a suggestion but perhaps you could have a follow up chapter that takes place in an alternate universe were perhaps Dranlu does make it and time and saves Rose Light. Perhaps in this alternate universe Dranlu speaks up during the bullying scene.
However this is only a suggestion.
5586111
I like the suggestion, not the first time somebody has suggested something like this with one of my stories.
I'll think on it. Why not give these two poor pones some happiness in their lives?
This is heart-wrenching. I Felt my heart drop. Be proud of this beautiful masterpiece.