marios unexpected adventure

by boomrainbownuke

chapter

Bowser:Mario I will destroy you this time! Mario:how you stupid spiked shelled koopa? Bowser:With this teleporter gun. Mario:What a teleporter gun?
That will just put me some were else! Bowser:Duh, then you won't bother me anymore! Mario:But where will it tack me? Bowser:I don't know.
But I hope it will be horrible! Mario:Bowser wait, but it was too late. He fired that gun and took Mario some were else!

Applejack:Rainbow Dash what's that falling star!? Rainbow Dash:I don't know, but it looks cool! Bam Mario:ow, Mama mia that Bowser will pay for what he did!
Applejack:Uhh who in the hay is that? Rainbow dash:I don't know, but he sure is weird Mario:hey who are you calling a weird?!?! Rainbow Dash:uh you Mario:well I will stomp ya flat if ya call me weird again Rainbow Dash:ya right you will need to catch me first! Mario:wait you're a not a parakoopa where am I? Rainbow dash:a para what?
Mario:a parakoopa a flying turtle you know with wings Rainbow Dash:okay..... where are you from anyways Mario:I'm from the mushroom kingdom
Rainbow Dash:okay but what's your name? Mario:my name is a Mario! Rainbow Dash:a Mario? Mario:no Mario! Rainbow Dash:oh sorry you said a first Mario:well I am a Italian plumber
Rainbow dash:a plumber you tend to fixing clogged up pipes Mario:mhmhm Rainbow Dash:well okay Mario my name is rainbow dash! Applejack:and I'm Applejack Mario:what a type of animal are you two? Applejack:well I'm a earth pony Rainbow Dash:and I'm a Pegasus Mario:mmmhh a flying horse? what's next a unicorn?!?
Applejack:umm.. Mario there is unicorns here. Mario dose a face palm Mario:which means there's magic here? Applejack:yes Mario:ok alacorns to? Applejack:yup Mario:uhh...
stars that make you invincible? Applejack:nope Mario:uhoh.. Rainbow Dash:what's wrong Mario? Mario:how do I get back home? wait princess peach Luigi Wario Waluigi, Daisy Yoshie what am I supposed to do to get back home!!!! Rainbow Dash:um maybe we should see twilight sparkle.
Bowser:mwahaha! now that Mario is gone I can know rule the mushroom kingdom! forever Luigi:not on my a watch wait I don't wear a watch....
Bowser:ha Luigi I expected you to come here to save the day as well Luigi:wait wheres Mario? Bowser:Mario is gone nowhere to be fond forever Luigi:no... Mario!!!!
Mario:is there any mushrooms to eat? Rainbow Dash:what you eat mushrooms?!? belch mushrooms are gross Mario:well not where I came from
Applejack:twilight are you home Twilight Sparkle:yes I am what is it.. wait who is with you? Mario:I'm Mario Twilight Sparkle:Mario how did you get here Mario:Bowser put me here he transported me here when I get back I'm gonna give him the beating of a life time! Twilight Sparkle:wow you two must hate each other.
Mario:hate well you would hate him to if he was all was trying to tack over your kingdom! Twilight Sparkle:yes I would to so I guess you want to get back home Mario:yes a please Twilight Sparkle:well the only one that is powerful enough to do so is princess Celestia Mario:a princess you have a princess to?
Twilight Sparkle:well two princesses Mario:two wow lucky lucky Twilight Sparkle:but you don't have to go on a short notice there's others that would love to meet you Mario:hhhmmm
okay where are the others Twilight Sparkle:well pinkie pie lives at sugar cub corner Mario:okay Twilight Sparkle:and flutter shy lives in a cottage near the everfree forest and rarity lives at carousel boutique and applejack lives in apple acres Mario:okay I will go meet the others Pinkie Pie:hi I'm Mario:your Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie:gasp you know me Mario:yes I a do Twilight Sparkle told me your name ooooh you know twilight to Mario thinks oh my god this pony is annoying Pinkie Pie:and Mario:Pinkie can you stop for one moment Pinkie Pie:okay Mario:thank you I came from the mushroom kingdom Pinkie Pie:the mushroom kingdom? Mario:yes Bowser teleported me here with a teleporter gun Pinkie Pie:okay Mario:and he's been trying to kill me ever since Pinkie Pie:what that's not very nice Mario:I know a right he's been kidnapping princess peach Pinkie Pie:wow he's evil Mario:yes he is but dose this world have villains Pinkie Pie:not all the time mostly we learn about friendship Mario:friendship? Pinkie Pie:ya friendship Mario:Luigi and I are brothers and that counts as friendship Pinkie Pie:Mario turn that from upside down Mario:how can I when Luigi isn't with me Luigi:wow wow Mario!!!! Mario:ha Luigi! crash Luigi:ow mama mia Mario are you okay bro? Mario:yes I a am Pinkie Pie:ooooh so this is Luigi Mario:yes Pinkie Pie this is Luigi hi we are a plumbers Pinkie Pie:plumbers? Mario:yes plumbers Luigi we must go see Flutter Shy Pinkie Pie:wow you know flutter shy to Mario thinks again oh my god this pony is annoying Mario:well onward to Flutter Shys cottage knock knock knock Flutter Shy:oh hello who are you two Mario:I'm a Mario Luigi:and I'm Luigi Flutter Shy:oh hello Mario and Luigi where did you two come from Mario:the mushroom kingdom Flutter shy:okay zoom! Rainbow Dash:hi flutter shy and Mario uhh.. what's your name Luigi:I'm Luigi Rainbow Dash:okay Luigi I'm rainbow dash the fastest Pegasus in eqeustria but I was meaning to ask you Mario what do you do to the turtles where you come from Mario:well they try to hurt a me so I jump on them Rainbow dash:jump on them okay but the turtles here they won't hurt you so you don't have to worry Mario:okay me and Luigi will keep that in a mind.
Bowser:huh where do they get sent any ways hhhmmm well I don't give a dam know time to go tack over the mushroom kingdom!!
Mario:well now time to go meet rarity Luigi:okay dokie knock knock knock Rarity:why hello there Mario:hi a rarity I'm a Mario Luigi:and I'm Luigi Mario:we came from the mushroom kingdom by that evil Bowser Rarity:evil Bowser? yup a giant mean turtle Rarity:a giant mean turtle know that sounds unpleasant
Mario:ya it real isn't. after the talk with the other three Bowser was hitting himself in the head with a frying pan bonk Bowser:ow bonk Bowser:ow bonk Bowser:ow bonk Bowser:ow.
Pinkie Pie:hey Mario Mario:what is it pinkie can you walk on clouds? Mario:yes I can Pinkie Pie:wow well come with me oh and Luigi come to Luigi:okie dokie Mario:wow where are we a going Pinkie Pie:to clouds dale Mario:clouds dale? Pinkie Pie:uh ha clouds dale Mario:hhmmm but can you walk on clouds? Pinkie Pie:now I can Mario:how? Pinkie Pie:because twilight used a spell that lets earth and unicorn ponies to walk on clouds Mario:hhmmm Pinkie Pie:oh here we are Mario:wow Pinkie Pie:I know right Rainbow Dash:gasp pinkie pie how is Mario and Luigi walking on clouds? Pinkie Pie:well were Mario and Luigi came from they are able to Rainbow Dash:so they can walk on clouds? Pinkie Pie:they can Rainbow Dash Rainbow Dash:huh well since you two can walk on clouds how about I show you around the weather factory Mario:okay Luigi:okie dokie Rainbow Dash:here is where the rainbows are stirred Pinkie Pie:I remember when I tried to taste this Rainbow Dash:I bet you do pinkie pie Rainbow Dash:here is where the snow flacks are made and looked at very closely and this is where the clouds are made.

Bowser:ug I shouldn't have wacked myself in the head with a frying pan.

Mario:so flutter shy you tack care of the animals? Flutter Shy:yes I do I make sure their fed and healthy and loved Mario:well I bet what your doing is very in a portent Flutter Shy:yes it is

Bowser:I know I will hit myself in the head with a baseball bat!

Mario:so rarity what do you do Rarity:I make fashionable clothing Mario:hhmmm what else Rarity:well I take care of my sister Luigi:where is your a sister? Rarity:off finding out what's her cutie mark

Bowser:oh I know I will set my face on fire!

mario:Applejack what do you do thats in a portent? Applejack:well i buck thees apple trees and turn them into cider and sell them apples. Mario:hhhmmm without your apples pony vile would starve Big mac:eeyup.

Luigi:so this is where princess Celestia is? Mario:I think so the six ponies said to go to Canterlot Luigi:well here we are Princess celestia:hello Mario Luigi you two came to get back home to the mushroom kingdom? Mario:yup but how did you know? Princess Celestia:twilight sparkle sent me a letter Mario:okay are you able to get us back? Princess Celestia:yes I can Mario:yes we get to go back Luigi Luigi:yippy Princess Celestia:but did you tell the others you were going home? Mario:hhmmm yup Princess celestia:well okay. princess Celestias horn started to glow and Mario and Luigi was sent back home.
Mario:Bowser you are gonna pay for what you did! Bowser:hhmmm how are you? Mario:how I'm gonna cut your guts out! and Mario did and Bowser was never seen again.

the end

Comments

[Tadpole]

...

wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/a/a7/Spyhumiliation.png/41px-Spyhumiliation.png

[Scribblestick]

Review train here with all my helpful writing tips!

1) As far as I can tell, your story consists purely of lines of dialogue. My first suggestion is to put every spoken word between quote marks, as follows:

"Hey, what's a Mario?"
"I'm not sure."
"Ooh! I know! It's a video game humans play!"

This will show us where one quote ends and the next begins. Also notice that when I changed speakers, I started a new line. This helps us keep track of who's saying what.

2) Next, indicate who is saying what:

"Hey, what's a Mario?" Spike asked.
"I'm not sure," Twilight replied.
"Ooh! I know!" said Lyra. "It's a video game humans play!"

That way we know who's saying what.

3) Now, add some narration. Pure dialogue can work, but it's really hard. Narration sets the scene and makes the story much more interesting.

Spike and Twilight were walking through Ponyville one day when they saw an advertisement for something called 'Super Mario.' "Hey, what's a Mario?" Spike asked.
"I'm not sure," Twilight replied, scratching her head in confusion.
"Ooh! I know!" said Lyra, jumping up and down excitedly. "It's a video game humans play!"

4) Make sure you capitalize the first word of a sentence as well as names. See the previous examples for... examples

Well, gotta go. Hope that helps!

[Night Sky]

I can't stop laughing when reading this.

[boomrainbownuke]

ScribbleStick - thank you, appreciate the helpful tips.

[MissytheAngle]

I highly recommend getting an editor. I recommend here: Looking for Editors. I mean, there's quite a lot of flaws here, and since you are aware you aren't a great speller, it'd help you with your stories for someone to help out with a lot of things.

Spacing is really needed so everything isn't thrown into a large mess of a page. It's hard to understand at times, so double space after every paragraph; as in, press ENTER twice.

To be honest, this is VERY hard to read. I can barely get what is going on. Rather than throw us immediately into Mario fighting Bowser, at least set up the scene a bit, let us know what's going on. Also, punctuation, capitalization, lack of narration and understand of who is speaking when, this is very flawed. But with a little help, I'm sure you'll be fine.

A lot goes into adding small details. I won't do anything but add punctuation and some other things, and you can see how much better it works:

Mario I will destroy you this time! how you stupid spiked shelled koopa? With this teleporter gun. What a teleporter gun?
That will just put me some were else! Duh, then you won't bother me anymore! But where will it tack me? I don't know.
But I hope it will be horrible! Bowser wait, but it was too late. He fired that gun and took Mario some were else!

Changed into:

"Mario, I will destroy you this time!" Bowser declared.

"How, you stupid, spiked shelled koopa?" Mario asked.

"With this teleporter gun," Bowser answered with an evil grin.

"What? A teleporter gun?" Mario repeated. "That will just put me somewhere else!"

"Duh, then you won't bother me anymore!" Bowser replied.

"But where will it take me?" Mario worried.

"I don't know. But I hope it will be horrible!" Bowser laughed.

""Bowser, wait--!"

But it was too late. He fired that gun and took Mario somewhere else.

I didn't even add much other narration minus mentioned who was talking; I decided not to because it's a waste of my time and yours to read since it's not my work. Anyway, though I didn't have too that much since the only two are talking, so you can just stop at one point, but I'm trying to tell you how much small things can impact how a story looks! Get an editor, and I'm sure everything will be fine!

[boomrainbownuke]

the story is fixed now spelling fixed no mare problems

[Freeze]

1303199
Scribble Stick, you are truly a king of reviews.

[Scribblestick]

1304144 Does that mean I get a crown?

[boomrainbownuke]

is there a reasan the thumbs down bar has the number 17?

[Freeze]

1304219
Yes.
t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQT0pQZb65aWQceta4HmAbo0pJ_ynIZtONpE56LsLOZ73sZzKWpIw

[boomrainbownuke]

if you don't like my story go to my you tube channel its boomrainbownuke

[Scribblestick]

1304222 That means 17 people gave your story a thumbs-down, as opposed to a thumbs-up or no vote. (opposable thumbs joke)

1304228

[boomrainbownuke]

im not very happy about the my storys rating

[boomrainbownuke]

so im not going to make a anether story ever again good by forever

[Scribblestick]

1304280 If the internet had been a thing when I first stared writing, my first stories would have been downthumbed to obvivion, too. If you want to improve, we can help. If you just want to give up, well, not much anyone can do about that.

[SwiperTheFox]

Yeah, I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

[EricKilla]

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3993-1333293281961.png
I can hardly make anything out.

[MissytheAngle]

1304280 If that's really how you give up writing ever again, I don't see you being a writer. You see, a writer writes not for the fame or anything; it's getting responses in either praise or assistance for future works. However, if that's how you feel, I won't stop you, I just think something like this shouldn't stop you from writing altogether. You get better by just trying and trying. Believe me, all writers started at the bottom and just rose up because they stuck with it.

And I'm sorry to say, but while you fixed a few problems, there are still WAY too many to mention. No "mare" problems? I don't think so.

[boomrainbownuke]

they start at the bottem? fine they start bad i wont give up then
what do you people want then?

[boomrainbownuke]

i gave my story comedy i made Bowser act like an idiot
i right fast thats must be why i make problems easy

[MissytheAngle]

1308884 Writing is all about timing, and taking your time with your work. Everything must be worked out as best as you can bring yourself to.

And don't ask us what we "want." Write what YOU want to write. It's not about us, it's about YOU, the author!

[EricKilla]

1316670 Uh, you said "What what YOU want to write." I think you meant "Write what YOU want to write."

[MissytheAngle]

1322986 Oh, my bad. Fixed. Much appreciated. (:

[Kwisatz-Haderach]

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

[boomrainbownuke]

this was my first story so don't insulte me also if you all are calling this a troll fic i can't understande why if its what the ponys are saying i had to impravise of how they acted in the story there was going to be anether story but the site is submiting it also i was allways geting ideas but they allways disaper on me and don't bich on the spelling

[boomrainbownuke]

there not sumbiting the other story so ignore the is submiting

[The White devil]

Holy fuck, it's the brony version of My Immortal!