A human dies on Earth and is given the opportunity to continue living in a different universe with a different God. He materializes in Equestria as an already mature equine and begins his new live meeting his new God/Princess Celestia. The story will most likely become mature in later chapters (if not sooner). The story is not completely written/thought out but have about 10K words written out in rough draft to be edited and posted if there is interest.
I do not own My Little Pony, this is a non-profit work of fiction.
cover from http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Equestria
imaged is (poorly) edited
Note: The Gary Stu Alicorn introduced early in the story DIES quickly, so don't let him turn you off the story. lol
Chapters (5)
Hello all.
I'm new to posting (and writing) fanfics. constructive criticism is welcome.
I know I like using commas and semi colons ect alot, but I feel it helps me get my voice across; still let me know if I'm using something blatantly wrong. I have a few more chapters written out and may post if there is interest. images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120612054105/tehkittycat/images/0/05/FluttershyWinkEmote.png
1284103
You're using your story blatantly wrong. I'm sorry, but the basic formula 'human dies, goes to Equestria' is used so often that the Human tag is made up largely of this kind of story. Without something to set your story apart from the masses, you'll just be another boring story following the same formula.
I'm sorry, but I think I'll have to add it to read later... Actually, I'll read the first chapter and decide afterwards. Here's to 2am!
1284103 A couple of problems instantly jump out at me:
* Luna is badly out of character. She'd never attempt to kill someone like that.
* Michael is a Gary Stu (a character that is ridiculously perfect / overpowered, etc). I mean he shows up in Equestria, hasn't even been a pony for a day, and he so easily defeats Princess Luna, who according to your own story synopsis, is a Goddess? It's simply not believable. And it's one of the hallmarks of a Gary Stu character.
Nice chapter. Wings as I understand would be much harder to grasp as a bi-pedal animal than walking. I'll give that panic had something to do with it. Also, being sent as a Pegasis when you wanted a Unicorn? Gods would know the difference right?
Good chapter still though. You now get a thumbs up
I guess Mike had heaps of will power...
Choo Choo...
I liked it. I don't read many human in Equestria and but so far they've all been fairly good. This one included. I'll watch this and see what happens
1353777
I know it's a painfully common story type, which is why I alerted the reader to it right away. If you're not into that type of story, move on to the next :P plenty to choose from. Figured I would go for something basic for a first story.
1353787
It's true I don't understand Luna as well as I would like. I need to re-watch the Nightmare Night episode and get a better feel for her, because more of her is comming up soonish images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120612054105/tehkittycat/images/0/05/FluttershyWinkEmote.png I may reword some of her dialog, but I figured her mindset would revert to the times 1000 years ago when under stress. And yes he is a Gary Stu character atm, he defeated the goddess, but at the time was technically a god :/. He loses much of his power and becomes more flawed in later chapters. I'm still debating how integral to make him to the story. (and if he should still be overpowered in some ways)
1353831
It's true idk how to fly :P, my only thought was that birds are thrown from their nest and just know how to start flying, while animals tend to take longer to start walking and running well.
1353850
That was the idea, even though the main character didn't try to become an Alicorn ;) I may make this a point of conflict between the characters at some point.
1353853
I've seen you post this several times, but for the life of me can't find out what it actually means images1.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty4s/images/5/55/Facebook.png someone is about to get hit by a flaming train.
1354062 You should probably consider that for many people, including me, coming across a character so early in a story that is clearly a Gary Stu is a show stopper. It's basically the point at which I, and many other readers, decide we aren't going to spend any more time on a story. Trying to say "at the time, he was technically a god" only reinforces the Gary Stu aspect of it. Gary Stu characters tend to leave a really bad taste in people's mouth. And they are enough to make most people stop reading, especially when encountered so early in the story.
1354062
I can actually answer that for you. It's a not so subtle way of saying that a story is heading towards being a train wreck. Again, partly because of some of the reasons I pointed out. Gary Stu human characters going to Equestria is usually a pretty strong red flag that a nasty train wreck is coming.
1354200
He is defeated and transformed in the next chapter, but It is true Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters are quite unpopular (I also don't like reading about them, so I guess I am kinda a hypocrite in that regard :P) It turned me off a story I was enjoying while back, but with shorter chapters I try to see where the author is going with it for a little while. (but he made it clear they were there to stay)
But I do understand introducing one so early doesn't give people enough time to become interested enough in the story to try to stick it out. It's kinda already stuck in my mind that he starts off superpowered and quickly normalizes tho, so I don't think I will change it for this story. I will keep it in mind for future works though, so thank you for your input images1.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty4s/images/0/0a/Pinkie_pie_vector_i_m_about_to_be_brilliant_by_vetali-d4k0nyk.png
1354216
Ty, I guessed as much :P
1354263
That may be true. But again, most people who don't like Gary Stu's aren't going to bother reading the next chapter to find that out. Because you've already lost them as a reader by making him a Gary Stu in the first place.
It's your story, of course. I'm just pointing out that you are going to lose a lot of readers before he gets defeated. Because many people, upon seeing such a blatantly obvious Gary Stu, are going to stop reading right there.
I like the consept, Its a bit different than all the other human in equestria storys. Keep up the good work!
Hmmm not to shabby. a dragon pony and living in tje palace interesting
1353787
After reviewing the Nighmare Night episode several times, I (slightly) changed Luna's lines in chapter 3 to better get across her motivation and desire. I changed it from her wanting to kill him to subdue him :P
(the episode doesn't actually say too much about her. She want's to be liked, is impatient, sarcastic and a little pessimistic.)
Finally got this up :P
I guess both my friend and I seem like dicks in this story so far, but give us a shot ;)
also, I need to know how lemony this story should become later?
Also how people think the pony culture should view sex. is it something they speak about in hushed voices, or are they an openly sexual culture? I can see it go either way.
Also it feels weird with the tone of the story so far for my character to actually have sex, but it is kind of in the plans. You have been warned. (I'll change rating when the scene approaches)
But, if the readers that like the story and whatnot really don't want it to morph into a clopfic, I might change my plans.
Great chapter. Not spelling errors I picked up on! Which is a surprise haha
" but up to you! 
Not really dicks. Kind of just uncomfortable in a new life and body in which you have no idea how to act or which to be like. The Alicorn Mike was a dick though.
Lemony? Sour? Lesbian? Lots of words that use that as a "cover word" and I'm not sure which context you mean.
I've seen many stories that have sex in pony culture as open and others that act like it's taboo or never been invented. I would think it's about as open as in our world. Know what I'm saying?
Personal preference is "Please don't change it into a clopfic
Great chapter. Keep up the great work! And I'm glad I gave this fic a chance!
1385211
kk, I will just leave sexual innuendos and awkwardness sometimes (it gives me a reason to write other clopfic oneshots :P) but I'll leave this one teen rating.
If it's not a clopfic I'll leave it as a somewhat conservative culture about sex publicly, but have ponies curious about human sexuality in private.
I have a couple pictures of the main character (and I made one of female Mike, but lost it :P) I should prolly upload it to my deviant art page (if i can remember the password)
And do I normally have a bunch of spelling errors ect? xD, I try to catch them, but sometimes I skim in my proofreading :P (especially with spelling) if it's not underlined red I won't catch it.
I don't want you to change your story just based on my suggestions. And even if it did turn into a clopfic, I'd still continue. Though I'd gloss over parts ;P
I knew you knew what I meant with that
You can also put images in your story if you can't remember your DA password.
No, surprisingly I haven't caught many in this story. Most other fics I'm reading now have several different typos, so it's good to see one that doesn't haha
Excellent story so far I always hated extreme cliff hangers and this story has cliff hangers that are barely noticeable.
P.S. nice trollestia reference
I like this fic, bro. But you need a prereader.
Here's a tip:
Write your chapters in GDocs. You can send the links my way and I can edit them for you if ya want. If not, find someone you trust.
Good luck.
1387371
Yep yep, I try to keep the chapters at similar lengths, and just look for good places to cut it :P
1389296
I might just take you up on that xD proof reading my writing has never been my strong point.
Fire Breeze
To those of you who are interested. :P
Does this make Fire apart of the Breeze clan? Are we related now?
1390808
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty4s/images/0/0a/Pinkie_pie_vector_i_m_about_to_be_brilliant_by_vetali-d4k0nyk.png ftw!
You need to tell about this Breeze Clan Ocean, if you want I might be able to incorporate it images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120612054105/tehkittycat/images/0/05/FluttershyWinkEmote.png
in short tho, ... yes, we are now related.
I like it, one thing that threw me off was you said "feet" instead of hooves at one point. But, other than that... Its very good
1397871
Good catch :P ty
so, just read the 5 chapters...heres what we(the brony group and myself staying at a pegisisters home for a mlp "mare-a-thon") think
Ice(Brony): Keep them chapters rollin!
Heavens(Brony): Agreeing with Icey here...a noticed a few...how to put it, errors, that as a closet novelist i dont dare correct
Kirret(Pegisister): umm...MOAR
Duscus(Brony): id say that you should most deffinately NEED to continue this into a full-blown series
Lukies(Pegisister): ....
1442566
Lolz tyty ^_^
been in a bit of a slump but will start writing again :P
Great story. Looking forward to more.
I just dont know what went wrong
1595366
Just wait till Derpy gets into the mix ;)
Then all heck will break loose xD
2101706 Agreed