Other
Discord pulled the curtain closed, put on his glasses, and activated the projector with the tip of his pointer. A slideshow played, clicking through grainy images as he spoke.
“That’s him,” said Discord. “I could hear the invisible horns and flutes out in the chaos between worlds. He's coming, ladies and gentlemen.”
A crowd sat before him in rows of folding chairs. Celestia, perched on her seat in the front row, raised her hoof. “I thought you said he’d be a problem?”
“I said he’d be a catastrophe, Celestia. A catastrophe.”
“He doesn’t look like a catastrophe. He doesn’t even look like a duck.”
“He’s not a duck,” Discord said very patiently. “He isn’t anything, really. This is just the form the madness takes. Look into his eyes, all—” He made inarticulate grasping motions at the air. “All narrow and merry. Blank like an empty sky.”
“All right, what are his powers?”
“Well…” Discord massaged his goatee. “You could say he’s wacky. Specifically, he can do anything wacky. Anything at all.”
“So, like you? Not to be rude, but you WERE defeated. A couple of times, actually.”
Discord scowled down at her, then sighed. “Well, between you and me, here and now, I have certain…”
“Yes?”
“Certain weaknesses. Even back then. I was wacky, but I was an artist. Everything I did had a spark of genius, if you didn’t notice.” He frowned. “I don’t think you noticed. Well, no accounting for et cetera, bygones be bygones and all that. Hmph.” He turned up his nose. “Nice dress, by the way. I’m sure it was very affordable.”
“Hey, I like this dress!”
Princess Twilight Sparkle patted Celestia on the back. “It’s a very nice dress.” She faced Discord. “Are you sure he has no weaknesses?”
“Maybe a few. Nazi goats, for instance, or particularly stubborn security officers. And other, more powerful things.” He shuddered. “That’s a conversation we don’t have to have. Oh, and you could also call him delusional, but his dreams are our reality, so I wouldn’t call that a weakness.”
“Huh,” said Pinkie Pie, perched on Discord’s head. “He sounds kinda fun. Are you sure we can’t let him into our reality for a little teensy bit?”
Discord raised his eyebrows to look up at Pinkie Pie, lifting her slightly. “Absolutely not, but nice beagle puss.”
Pinkie smiled proudly. “It’s not a beagle puss, it’s an authentic pair of glasses and mustache and big weird nose. Also is that what those things are called?”
“Anyway, we can’t let him in because there’s no getting rid of him. We wouldn’t be the first creatures to try. You can’t shoot him, a pie on a windowsill doesn’t fool him, and he WILL hit a man with glasses eventually.”
“Aw,” said Pinkie Pie.
Rainbow Dash, who’d been openly sleeping in the front row until two minutes ago, tilted back the bill of her hat. “Hey, so what’s a Nazi, anyway?”
“They—”
Pinkie sneezed.
“We’re getting off topic,” said Discord. “The point is, this is a catastrophic problem, I don’t have a solution, and I need you ponies to come up with one. Now: any ideas? You there, any ideas?”
Applejack looked behind her, then at Discord, then behind her other shoulder, then pointed at herself.
“Yes, you.”
“Oh. Uh. Well, to be honest, I don’t know what a solution’d look like. I guess you’re saying he’s funny?”
“He’s overrated. Hit or miss, really. And he’s not even a hundred years old, whereas I am an ancient chaos spirit, so obviously I’m NOT ripping off his so-called ‘character.’”
“Ah. I do see the problem. He’s funnier’n you, and you hate that.”
“Oh for—of course he’s funnier than me! I have limits. He doesn’t!” Discord towered over Applejack and her hat, waving his stick. “Little secret for you, Applejack. When one of my jokes involves a bone saw or a falling piano, I’m tasteful with it. Just a quick sight gag, a strictly hypothetical threat of violence, and then it’s on to something else. He—no, I will not say his name—he won’t let the joke end. If he replaces your parachute with an anvil, he’s going to let you hit the ground.”
“Well,” said Luna, three rows back, “in fairness, that does sound quite funny.”
“Yes! It is!” Discord slapped the canvas screen. A projection of white teeth rippled across his lion’s knuckles. “It’s very funny. He’ll laugh and laugh as you fall, and that’s the last thing you’ll ever hear. Luna, have you ever seen a duck eat a plate of roast duck? That’s the kind of comedic genius we’re dealing with. Think about that.”
Fluttershy hopped up. “Actually, many birds eat other birds! For instance, the Northern Shrike lives on a diet of songbirds as well as various rodents, arthropods, and lizards.”
“That’s nature,” Discord said with a dismissive wave. “It’s nothing to do with this. This ‘duck’ knows better.”
Twilight frowned. “Since you mention it, I don’t understand why you won’t say his name.”
“Put it this way. What happens when you say Pinkie Pie’s name?”
Pinkie, who’d been sniffing the projector, looked up. “Huh?”
“Exactly.”
Celestia’s voice was full of apology. “Well, Discord, I guess I just don’t see the threat.”
“Well—he’s racist too! Some of his stuff has NOT aged well. His hatred of Nazis rings a bit hollow when you look at the way—”
“Wait, rings a little hollow? What do you mean?”
“Well, Celestia, it’s just a little tough to believe, at least completely.” Discord sighed. "Fighting bloodthirsty ethno-nationalism with bloodth—"
“So some kinda traitor? Is that it?? Is that what you’re trying to say?!?”
The pointer broke in Discord’s paw. He whirled to face the room.
The duck had another trick, one Discord hadn’t bothered to mention, because there wasn’t much you could do about it. The rules changed for Daffy Duck. Disguises worked differently. A simple dress, a hat, a beagle puss. in this way a duck could disguise himself as a pony, just as he disguised himself as a duck. Or as a hundred ducks sitting in a hundred folding chairs, staring at you with merry eyes.
Discord tugged on his collar. “N-now, there’s no need to fly off the handle—”
A blizzard of feathers, hooting laughter, a careening madness that filled the room and shattered the windows. The smell of cigarettes and scrapyard dirt. What followed was very funny, Discord had to admit; even the slideshow laughed. Songs were sung, alien celebrities were imitated. At one point Discord realized he'd been convinced, genuinely convinced, to smoke an exploding cigar. It was a kind of relief to see a worst case scenario in action, in a way. There was also gratification to be found in the fact that Daffy could imitate Discord’s friends so well. It meant that he wasn’t the only one watching other people’s cartoons.
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- Between Lines · 1.9k words · 62 2 · 1.3k views
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Why isn't there a Discord tag?
11128220
Because they are all Daffy, everyone is Daffy, this is a wasteland where only Daffy is left. And because I forgot to hit the button.
"And other, more powerful things.” He shuddered. “That’s a conversation we don’t have to have. "
Eh, Bugsthulhu is a pretty stand-up entity. Just don't piss him off.
Hmm. The old surreal cartoons really did use that kind of humor that's hilarious if you don't take it seriously and terrifying if you do.
The Black Duck. The Hooter in the Dark. The Merry Messenger. To speak him is to know him. To know him is to call him. To call him is to invite your own destruction through his antics.
And he's not even the worst of his pantheon.
Brilliant portrayal of not settling for the lesser chaos. It's a very short story, yes, but it knows how not to overstay its welcome. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the contest.
I love when people nail the Random tag and that style of humor, because it's always funny to me. As someone who struggles with writing comedy that fast paced, I'm always impressed by how others work it so well.
Daffy v Discord would be amusing, given they both suffer from narcissism that trips them up more often than not when facing other characters.
11128308
Bugs feeds on the despair of those who've wronged him, and that would be fine except I don't know where he gets such a steady supply of babyfaced mindless losers who are eager to wrong Bugs Bunny. But then I remember "Duck Amok." He has the power to create and destroy within his own medium. Bugs is a Calvinist god who creates sinners just to torment them; Bugs is a child giving personalities and silly voices to all his toys so it's all the more satisfying to put them in the oven.
And the rules that Bugs's sinner-toys break are not always clear to them. It's the classic problem of fairy tale protagonists angering the fae by transgressing against a law they couldn't possibly have known about. A case study: when two starving castaways land on a jungle island, they see a rabbit. They make the obvious decision to eat it. Unfortunately the rabbit has administrative privileges to reality. How could they have known, and if they'd known then what else could they have done?
All this is strictly about the mid-20th century versions of these characters, obviously. These monsters went soft as they got older, and now can almost function in a moral world.
"A case study: when two starving castaways land on a jungle island, they see a rabbit. They make the obvious decision to eat it. Unfortunately the rabbit has administrative privileges to reality. How could they have known, and if they'd known then what else could they have done?"
Discussing the problem there would require going into the basically nightmare nature of Bugs and Daffy's home universe, where killing and eating sapient beings is just a matter of course.
11128898
Fair point, fair point, though now I'm thinking about the dead chicken in "Wackiki Wabbit" that Bugs uses as a marionette. Plucked and dressed! Maybe he drew that bird already dead, you might say. But then there's "The Wacky Wabbit," where Bugs attacks with no apparent provocation whatsoever, eventually burying a man alive. The man survives, but he is forever changed (one might say disfigured, even slightly impoverished) by the encounter.
"Plus this fic should have been about the length of a tweet, let's be honest."
Ironically, when I finished reading the story, I felt it should have been longer. But there's also an old saying, "Always leave them wanting more."
All in all, I thought it went over very well with me. Maybe it IS one of those cases where, done just right, less is more?
What I really should have pointed out is, this story achieves a tone I really enjoyed. The fear of the uncanny, the shivers of nightmarishness that afflict even Discord himself are...well, something I liked.
11128961
Damn, I didnt know Warner Bros. adapted The Enigma of Amigara Fault
11131625
i.ibb.co/mRsFXHs/4de1nIJ.jpg
11140932
imgur hasnt played nice with fimfic in years, but Ive been using imgbb for a while now with zero complaints. https://imgbb.com/
11141804
Fixed. Heck yeah.
11128847
True, look at say, Baby Looney Tunes, or the Looney Tunes Show version from 2011
11141905
poggers.
You really should write another "Celestia and Luna kind of adopt a human" kind of story.
11191554
I've got a lot of ideas to get through before coming up with more, but if I come up with anything really good (and short) I'll remember you said that.
11192285
Well, if you want short it could happen after Celestia and Luna leave for real and let future Alicorm Twilight in charge.
While at first all the free time is fun, the two are too used to doing things and playing superhero does not work for them, Discord then appears to have a chat and suggests that if they are so bored they might as well adopt a baby. Luna is interested in the idea but Celestia is not.
They argue about it, basically they can't agree. Discord suggest to try for a temporary adoption, Celestia reluctantly agrees that may work better. Discord then opens a portal, takes an orphan human kid from the streets and gives it to them. Then says he will see them in three months and disappears despite the royal pony sisters protests.
Daffy being an elderitch horror is always fun
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!
11325308
Happy birthday! Feeling pretty good about "decent."