The Best and The Worst

In a bar somewhere in Griffonstone, Gilda tells the tale of the best and worst relationship of her life.

Entry into Bicyclette's Crackship Contest 2022
Thanks to Mitch H and Solstice Shimmer for editing.
Cover image based on this image by PyroPk

“For a relationship that should have been acid all the way down, I like that there was some genuine connection at the heart of it. Beneath about fifty layers of acid, of course. They're sweethearts really.”
— Botched Lobotomy

“This is peak Gilda.”
— FanOfMostEverything

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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duckmagee

duckmagee #1 · Mar 17th, 2022 · 3 · ·

I really like this ship I could honestly see it working, gilda someone who hides her feeling behind a mask of tough no nonsense indifferent while zephyr is a pony who hides his feeling and insecurities behind a mask of false confidence to the point of self delusion, it make for interesting ship hope you do more

Yoshifan30

Yoshifan30 #2 · Mar 17th, 2022 · 2 · ·

Okay I was going to be frank about this I kind of like the ship it between Gilda and Zephyr Breeze although it would be awkward that Gilda scared Fluttershy back in season 1 but anyway somehow Gilda actually let her guard down when Zephyr was around despite that he is a smooth talker but somehow she likes about him the only Pony aside from rainbow who actually likes her but it was a tragic one because they broke up and everything so that's sad maybe someday they will see each other maybe in the positive way this was a pretty good story keep up the good work

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #3 · Mar 17th, 2022 · 13 · ·

Yeah, you met her when she came here. Took her cliff diving. Left her to die, if I remember correctly. You thought I’d forgotten about that?
You know, talking like this really is thirsty work.
How kind.

This is peak Gilda.

I do love how a creature with a beak takes a while to process pony kisses. Lips are weird when you stop to think about them from a non-mammalian perspective.

Brilliant use of alternating narrators. Gilda's definitely more reliable, but not completely. Between the two of them, it's fascinating to see the tragedy play out. Thank you for a great read, and best of luck in the judging.

Scyphi

Scyphi #4 · Mar 17th, 2022 · 5 · ·

Heeeey, looks like I wasn't the only one who had the crazy idea of shipping Gilda and Zephyr. Except my take on it, had I ever written it, was more comical and involved Rainbow deliberately setting the two up so to, in her words, "get them both to stop trying to hit on me."

I kinda of like this take better though, approaches it a bit more seriously and thus a bit more believably. Dunno if I'd go as far as calling their breakup a tragedy or even really all that sad even, seeing neither of them seemed to be that especially heartbroke about it. Gilda's right--Zephyr's too much of a player to ever really get that attached, so he's more unfazed by it. Meanwhile, Gilda grew a little attached...but not so much that she couldn't see the writing on the wall in the end and choose to call it off herself, so in a way, I'd say it was mutual in the end (assuming Zephyr wasn't so much of an airhead, but what can ya do?).

Anyway, it was an amusing little tale. The opposing narrators are what really sell it.

RDT

RDT #5 · Mar 18th, 2022 · 3 · ·

This is satisfying in the most bittersweet way. Love this type of story. Characterization of both Zehpyr and Gilda are on point, especially Zephyr. The way he plays himself up in the narration, but you can see a hint of self-awareness with stuff like him choosing to tell about the feathers-or-fur exchange.

An-Twan Star

An-Twan Star #6 · Mar 21st, 2022 · · ·

Well, that was a really good read. First person can be a bit difficult but the characterizations are so accurate that I always knew who was narrating without putting much thought into it. And while it was a bit sparse in detail that was a benefit as it allowed my imagination to quickly fill in blanks while reading. The pacing was also tight and consistent, and at no point did I feel fatigued or bored in reading.

daOtterGuy

daOtterGuy #7 · May 11th, 2022 · 1 · ·

Howdy, hi~!

Oh my goodness these two are dumpster fires and I love it. I absolutely love these two together. You nailed the characterization of both of them, I had no trouble seeing these two as their canon counterparts. I adored the narration, it was so companionable in how both Zeph and Gilda tell the story, which was just super appealing to read. Absolutely banger fic.

Thank you for the read~!

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #8 · May 13th, 2022 · 3 · ·

Griffon flings are simple, right? You know that. You want something, you go for it. If the other griffon wants it too, you're good. If they don't want it, they'll scratch your face.
Yeah, just like that. That's a nice one.
Either way, you get answers quickly. No dancing around wondering what the other griffon feels. And if a griffon hates you, then you know about it. They're in your face, squawking and screaming. Nice and simple.

hehe, they're birds! makes sense

Yeah, ponies are the opposite of that. When ponies hate you, they ignore you. Pretend you're not there. Hope you go away. They don't bother to say why. Trouble is, if they don't know what to make of you, they do the same thing. It's probably a herd thing or something. So if you walkin' through a pony town and no fucker's talking to you, you don't know if it's coz you just kicked the sweetest mare in town, or cause they ain't seen feathers that color before. It’s all the same.

oof, love how true this is given what we've seen of the show! great observation

And since ponies mostly just live with other ponies – again, a herd thing – any creature that ain't a pony is gonna get the silent treatment. It's why everyone else thinks they're so racist. That and they kinda are.

dang, Gilda isn't pulling any punches here!

Yeah, exactly that cheesy, no shame at all. Even as a chick I could see that he was a little scumbag. But with everypony else there ignoring me, goading me or hiding from me, I kinda like that. He's like a griffon, you know? Reminds me of home, where I knew what’s what. And that works for me.

hey, this is supposed to be a crackship! you are making this pair make way too much sense!

Rainbow despises him, probably coz they’re too similar or something.

oof, perhaps the worst thing you could say to Rainbow, i love it

You ever seen ponies kiss? They stick their muzzles forward in this weird sucker shape. Pretty disgusting, especially if you’ve got no idea what it is. If he’d tried to preen me, I’d get the message, but instead he sticks this mushy thing at me and expects me to know what to do with it. So yeah, I scratch it. He starts squealing, because ponies can’t handle a little blood.

agh, this really reminds me of the Wallflower x Skystar fic i was working on, where i got really stuck on how a horse and a bird could kiss. well, there's the answer!

Anyway, he runs home to his mother like a little bitch. And the next time I see her, I can tell she wants a piece of me or something. Only she's a fluffy little pegasus, I'm nearly as tall as her already, and I've had my fill of ponies getting in my face, so I just stand there. And she spends, like, five minutes, trying to work up the courage and just not saying anything at all. Eventually I say, “whatever, dweeb,” and leave her to it.

augh, i can just picture Posey Shy doing exactly this. love it!

Anyway, Rainbows brought her round to see Flutter Butter one day, and that’s where I saw her.

ugh, i already hate his face for all these nicknames, and these are just the canon ones!

I knew straight away that I was the only stallion who could measure up to a stunning chick like that.

hehe, she is a chick! get it?

My nose? What about my nose?

i like to believe that Zephyr's brain literally deletes any of the negative reactions to his advances from his memory. oh wait, that's an awesome story idea! anyway, this is great

So the flight camp puts on this party for all the little pegasi in springtime. Ponies do love marking when the seasons change. Part of their whole superior, ‘owning the climate’ thing, as if every one of them raised the sun themselves.

augh, loving this view of the ponies through other species' eyes!

All slow cooked vegetables and wilted cabbage. Seriously, I know they’re vegetarians, but Equestria has to have the most boring food in the world. Plus it’s all hoof food - you know, little dainty bits that are supposed to somehow add up to a meal.

aww, but that sounds so cute!

Turns out the place Zeph showed me is actually a useful spotting point. It only takes me a minute to catch a vole, which is a damned sight better than anything they’re serving at the party. I’m half way through eating it, when Zeph himself turns up, smug as can be. I quickly hide what’s left of the vole, and try to brush the blood off my beak before he can get freaked out by it.

haha, love this payoff to Zephyr's assumptions earlier

Remember what I said about squishy pony muzzles? Turns out there's something they are particularly good at.

nice

The encounter had lit a passion within Gilda, for no sooner were we within the door than she pulled me to the first bedroom - I forget which - and pushed me down.

oh no, it's Fluttershy's room, isn't it?

I don’t see him for a couple of weeks after that, he’s off on a training course of some sort. Except I find out later he didn’t even finish it, he ran away. He doesn’t tell me that though, I have to find out from his mother.

hahaha, oof, that is so Zephyr i love it

No, she didn’t eat them. Not even a little bit.

aww, the disappointment! but wow, what kind of a story would that have been!

Anyway, a couple years later Fluttershy decides she wants to live on the ground. Which is probably a good idea, given her crap flying.

gottem

Except they’re pegasi, so they have no idea what house prices are like for ponies who live in actual houses. Cloud houses are pretty easy to make, for a pegasus. They only cost bits if you want to hire somepony to make it look nice.

definitely explains Rainbow's absurdly nice Cloudominium

The whole town is insane if you ask me.

indeed, all the ponies in that town are, and i quote, "crazy"

And filthy colt that he is, he’s all over that. He doesn't just bring me back to his place, oh no, he drags me into his sister's room.

haha, i knew it!

She has pictures of little animal things all over it - and no, she didn't plan to eat any of them.

loving this insight into pony/griffon cultural differences

Zeph's easily distracted, it seems. “Whoa, hey there, Rainbows! Come here to brighten up my day?” he says. Tries to invite her for a threesome. I give him a punch to the gut for that.

augh, that is so perfectly Zephyr-ly hateable, i love it

Actually, did you know pony marriages don't even have a contract? Just some pretty clothes, some fancy words, then a party. And if you're wondering how their divorces work, the answer is 'badly'.

that definitely struck me, too!

She didn’t seem particularly happy with that though. I never did find out why. She just stood up, shook herself off, stretched out all six limbs, then said, “See you later, dweeb,” and flew off.

haha, it's funny how they're both six-limbed creatures, isn't it?

Don't look at me like that! Some of those ponies look practically identical, with their stupid colors. How am I to tell the difference between a pink strip and a purple strip?

so true!

That's when I realise it's not the bitch I have a problem with. Either bitch. It's not even Zeph, asshole that he is. The problem is, I'm banking on something that's never gonna happen. Zephyr's never gonna be a well-behaved little lap-pony. He’s always gonna have one eye on the horizon. He’s always gonna chase new prey.

dang, that is some very good self-reflection right there! i am impressed, Gilda!

For centuries ponies have been wearing soft, floppy, shapeless garments. Never had the true beauty of folded flatness been brought to fruition in the form of sharp, angular clothing.

this really does feel like a Rarity solution to some fashion problem in a canon episode, i love it!

I shared with her my vision for the future, the only creature – pony or griffon – who I could trust with such a secret. She wept and begged me to stay, but I could not. The price of being favoured by destiny is that I am not merely my own pony – I am a slave to its whims.
We embraced and said our goodbyes as the last light of the day faded away, and went our separate ways forever.

i can't wait to see how this actually went outside of Zephyr's imagination

Nah, I don’t remember what the scheme was. It didn’t seem important.

perfection

He's done this before, though. Gone followed some random dumb idea that I could have told him would never work. And every time, he came back soon after.

love how this ties in so well with "Flutter Brutter"!

augh, you took the one respective episode these characters were in and just squeezed so much out of them, it fills me with jeal! i loved this so much! these characters, their screwed-up chemistry, the comedic timing of its many comedic bits, the bittersweetness of the few moments of heaviness, the exposition about pony and griffon culture flowing so naturally with the story, all of it was so amazing and perfect! like, this might be a perfect fic? i can't think of any part of it that you did not absolutely smash out of the park. thank you so much for it!

Botched Lobotomy

Botched Lobotomy #9 · May 22nd, 2022 · 7 · ·

For a relationship that should have been acid all the way down, I like that there was some genuine connection at the heart of it. Beneath about fifty layers of acid, of course. They're sweethearts really.

This tied into canon to an alarmingly seamless degree, I admire the dedication. A really fun ship and a really fun fic!

PaulAsaran