You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and you have to admit, the history of the deer is really interesting. I mean, yeah, it’s a bit fucked up, seems as though they were under the heel of ponies as second-class citizens for most of Equestrian history, but you’ve got to admit it’s a fascinating listen.
The king seems to appreciate the attention you are giving his long-winded retelling of the story of his people and is really putting effort into his oration. He also fortunately does seem to be getting to the point.
“...And so my father King Hickory and his ragtag group of revolutionaries took advantage of the Celestial Schism and moved to break away from our Loyalist brothers in the White Tail Woods and occupy a portion of the newly empowered Everfree Forest to form the Kingdom of Thicket. After several decades of research between him and myself, I discovered a method of harnessing the massive untapped well of latent magical power that had seeped into the area after the Schism to attain Immortality and become the newest of the Eternal Rulers who walk this land.
You nod slowly, leaning forward as you start to get some idea of what might have happened. “And then the Wars of Blood and Soil happened. I imagine that wasn’t great for a newly founded nation that was already in such deep shit.”
The King grimaces at your language but nods. “Er, Indeed. We decided to take an Isolationist approach to the conflict. It was...precarious at times, what with our land being locked between the two main powers of the conflict but direct invasion through the forest proper was rare, and generally easily steered away from our holdings. Unfortunately, since we were not only outside of a position to participate actively in the conflict but also rebels against the faction who was considered to be the victor in the conflict, none of the other nations were willing to risk further angering Celestia by recognizing us formally.”
“Hm, I see…” You say slowly, rubbing at your chin as you stand up out of your desk and pace a bit. “So you are in the same boat as I am huh? You have your land all squared away but you don’t have international recognition.” No that was a bit too simple of a summary, you think to yourself as you ponder further. “Nah, fuck that. You have it worse.”
“Indeed, it has been far from an ideal state for our kingdom. No trade, barely any outside contact. Why, I only found out about your er...occupation of this area by happenstance.”
You smile a bit wider and shake your head, raising a hand. “Hey man, don’t feel the need to be pc about it on my account. We’re basically squatters. Like yeah, I have the paperwork to back it but you guys were very obviously here first.”
Bramble seems to perk up at this, speaking up for the first time since the two of them arrived “T-then will you give us our rightful land and withdraw?”
“No.” You say simply as Aspen gives his son a mildly scornful sideways look before responding. “My apologies Aufp- er, Anon. My son seems to have forgotten himself. He is here to learn by observing the art of diplomacy, not by participating in it.”
As the little twink deer sulks behind his father, you shake your head again “Hey no worries. And it isn’t like that anyway. Normally I would be happy to just give you the place but, for one thing, I have all of these Griffons to look after. They came here for a better life, and well, I kinda owe them one for sprucing the place up and helping me dunk on the Cosmic Posteriors.”
One of the deer guards gives a small chortle at this, being silenced by a quick not so subtle smack on the back of the head by Blackthorn as you continue to speak. “That being said, I think that I have a solution that will make all of us much happier in the long run anyway. That is, if you're willing to play ball…”
~~~~~~~~~~
You are…Not Anonymous, and thank Faust for that! You are in fact Princess Regnant Luna Moonshadow, Herald of the Night Mistress of Dreams, First of Her Name.
And you are...less than pleased.
It has been about three days since your last...major incident. Your sister gave you quite a severe dressing down the last few times you encountered that...damnable son of an ape, Anonymous.
Not that it was not deserved. No matter how uncouth he may have acted, you are well over a thousand years old, and you should have enough fortitude to maintain your composure amidst a bit of ribbing by the common rabble.
Though you suppose that you can no longer call him such. Now that he has forced your hoof in delivering that...decree, his status as a national-level authority is just as valid as the ones backing him, which is to say, you.
You snarl softly at the thought of that ruffian being at the same level as you and your beloved sister. To have to make such a proclamation after being so soundlessly and needly manipulated and humiliated as if you were common schoolfillies…to be made to feel so vulnerable was almost impressive...
No! You will not stand for this. If your sister is unwilling to do anything, you will need to take matters into your own-
Your budding thoughts of revenge are cut short by a knock on your door, a guard from outside speaking reverently. “Princess Luna, you have received a letter from-”
“If it’s from that disgusting stalker with the fake horn and the Prench accent, put it in the burn pile with the others.”
“No, your highness, it is from Aufpasser Anonymous. It bears his seal.”
Your door opens quickly, and the letter is yanked from the poor stallion's hoof faster than he can blink, the door slamming shut again in his face with a resounding thud as you carefully set the letter on your nightstand.
A soft, muffled and mildly irritated “You’re welcome…” and the sound of hooves trotting away can be heard, but you ignore them as you carefully magically probe the letter for glitter or any other such lowbrow antics.
Once she was satisfied that the envelope was safe, she opened it and unfolded the letter, reading carefully.
To Whom It May Concern,
Aufpasser Anonymous would like to personally invite you as a Guest of Honor at his First Annual Free Founding Festival, an annual event to celebrate the independence and founding of the Federation of the Ever Free.
Attendance is open to anyone and everyone, but you have been specially selected as a potential guest of especial significance or importance to the Ever Free either politically, economically, or culturally and will be admitted to a private gala on the final day of the festival, hosted within the illustrious Nameless Castle by the Aufpasser himself!
The festival begins one month from now and shall last three days. If you plan to attend, please make sure to RSVP within a week of getting this letter so that the proper preparations to host someone of your import may be taken care of as quickly and completely as is possible.
We look forward to your attendance at this festival. And hopefully many more.
Sincerely,
-Anonymous, Aufpasser of the Federation of the Ever Free, Based Chad, Master of the Nameless Castle, Tamer of the Woodland, and Chooser of Paper
You click your tongue and draw breath at this last title, your eye twitching slightly in its socket as you fight the urge to simply tear the invite to pieces. No, you are Better than that. Better than Him.
Very well, if he is so keen on playing the fool, perhaps you can oblige him in a slightly more...acceptable manner. You are an exceptionally cunning mare after all, with centuries of experience in outplaying colts like him. His...forthrightness simply caught you off guard. But two can play at this game.
You summon your guard once more, who answers your door, rubbing his slightly swollen nose. “You called for me, your Highness?”
You smile softly as you glance over towards your nightstand and nod. “Yes. Please respond to the letter and let the Aufpasser know I will be delighted to attend his event. I will also have a personally written letter for you to have delivered to a resident of Ponyville post haste. And…”
Your smile gets wider as your plan slowly starts to come together in your head. “Go down to the kitchen and fetch me a cheesecake.”
Heh, once again Luna shall graciously provide legitimacy to a fledgling nation.
Oh damn, this is just going to end up with Anon and Luna hate fucking somewhere after the party isn't it.
Interesting... I wonder what that plan might be? And will that piece of cheesecake make past Celestia intact?...
11041735
Pfffft maybe save that for the xxx spinoff Anon Fucks the Everfree Forest
11041755
all valid questions >:3
I have a feeling that Anon's Official deal to Aspen is that "While no, i wont give you your land back, i will recognize it as a territory/state within the federation of the ever free." or something along those lines because we all know that Anon is a most gracious and caring Leader.
Well, either Anon is going to get some new subjects or an allied nation, albeit an unrecognized one...hmm, he's going to form an alliance of minor nations in the Everfree, isn't he?
I can see Luna having to concede ponyvill to the federation of the everfree to avoid a grievously disastrous international incident from what she might be planning with that cheesecake.
Celestia's brain once she finds out Anon has invited Luna alone to the event:
c.tenor.com/aGaz6Po5mUgAAAAM/incoming-shitstorm.gif
It looks like Luna is developing feelings for Anon, I can only imagine how that will play out.
11041825
pfffft,now now. it is totally possible she also got an invite off screen ^^
Crap. Anon has found Lulu's kink without realizing it.
Twink griffon? Twink deer? I smell a gay Anon.
So Luna is plotting something. I feel she is unknowingly about to start a prank war the likes of which she has never seen.
The battlefield will be littered with the remains of rubber chickens and whoopee cushions.
11041940
Or at least BI.
11041988
That would be really good.
Friends, friends, friends, I'm afraid you've got it all wrong. I have some insight into how the Aufpasser thinks (which, I have just realized, may reflect poorly upon my moral character), and I'm happy to share with the class.
The purpose of all of this is not to gain international recognition or respect; the purpose of all this is extortion. The objective is to extort things from Equestria, it doesn't really matter what. If you just take, then you look like the bad guy. If instead you extort... well, you still look like the bad guy. Unless you're extorting Equestria; then, you look like Robin Hood (except that the Aufpasser doesn't dress like Peter Pan).
"'Fair and square' is for chumps."
- Anonymous, probably
Celestias cake stash is about to get much smaller....
Not gonna lie, anon's full title hot a good chuckle out of me. I had forgotten about that.
Anon is about to engage in high acts of tomfoolery I feel. Can't wait to see who crashes and burns this train wreck coming.
I swear to god, if I see a meme involving Chad Anon and Virgin Luna...
If the Deer can divert forces around in th Everfree, then anons lands can appear far larger than the outside of the forest is measured?
If Luna is so moody, maybe Anon could request Pinkie to deliver something to help calm her down. Like a letter in an envelope complete with a chilled pickle smoothy?
11042046
One would normally think the winner would go to the being with hundreds of years dictating politics under their belt.
However...
Anon came from a land with an advanced technological age. It was a place where information exchange happened near instantaneously across the whole world.
This means that, while Luna has more experience with her time co-ruling Equestria, the average person in Anon's world would have a more knowledge base to pull from; a bigger bag of tricks as it were. With the information on various ancient cultures readily available in his past, Anon might also already know some of Luna's tricks; and he might turn it against her.
Well, I'm curious to see what the party will do to benefit the deers.
11042123
Trivia or historical knowledge cannot match actual experience. A several centuries old politician should be able to play most people like a fiddle.
But this is not a Chessmaster Celly story.
Maybe Anon can tap into the same pool.
Luna would be delighted!
11042170
A centuries old politician is also likely to expect everyone to play by the book. The book who's pages anonymous has decided to use as toilet paper
11042170
Not a politician whose experience is with the naive creatures of the MLP world, a human child could run circles around them. Mark my words, by the end of this, Anon will have them both kissing his feet and then thanking him for the privilege.
“As the wise Prince doesn’t use subtle or overt coercion to get what he wants from others, rather they give him what he wants of their own free will and thank him for allowing them to do so.”
11042170
To this I agree.
However, in this story I do not get the impression that Luna is the "political" type. Luna seems more the aggressive negotiator of the Duo-monarchs. Had this been Celestia I would concede that Anon is outmatched, but his opponent is Luna (A few centuries removed from modern politics) and Anon has already used another bit a wisdom from Sun Tzu against her.
11042277
a book that thousand years out of date
11042300
While being on a ball of rock like he U.S. flag
11042282
No. Not at all.
For more comical stories, Anon (or you're average human being) is allowed to do this for the sake of comical scenarios.
However in any other, the human would get basically get destroyed in things like this a majority of the time without serious help, or unless the author intentionally kept the world "dumbed down" so the human looks better than they actually are.
11042448
Or ya know, the human is actually competent and uses what he knows to his advantage. The world does not have to be dumbed down for the human to be victorious. The human just has to be smarter and needs the ability to plan out a course of action using the resources available to him.
If she thinks she can find an opportunity to prank or embarrass him, I'm sure that's what Anon's planning.
Every triumph, every raising of his country, is by the multiple political faux pas she did.
Luna is gonna go full 1000-year-old racist horse on the second-class citizens, isn't she?
11042858
luna be like
11042858
Eh she already mentioned her hatred of griffons and her hatred of monkey man anon chooser of paper.
This is gonna be fun, let the chaos begin
11042448
You're just not based enough to understand the inner machinations of anon's mind
11041762
The entire forest? My, my...someone’s thinking big here.
11042546
The average person doesnt know nearly as much as they think they do and would get torn up in the world of politics. Take that same average person and drop them in an alien world where everything from the species to the cultures to the fabric of reality is different? You would need a lot more than competency to keep up.
So if we backtrack to the initial comment of "naive world of MLP" and how a human child can run circles around them: That's literally keeping the world dumbed down so the human can look cooler. For the sake of comedy, I clearly dont mind, but there are plenty of more serious stories which do this and it's bad to do it.
Lol, wut?
11042090
Don't give them ideas!!!
11042277
Yep.
Easiest way to win against a cheater - don't play by the rules.
Oh they are totally fucking
11044389
If they don't everyone else is gonna be waiting for it the entire time, except maybe Celestia, whom may panic when she catches on to what everyone else is seeing.
Luna called Anon a fool. However, Nobunaga Oda is known as the Fool of Owari and he is considered to be one of the greatest rulers in history. Anon could be the Fool of Everfree and help prosper the land.
11043691
Anon: as you can see, Luna, I have Depicted myself as the Chad and you as the Soyjack, you have already lost.
Luna: I have no idea what any of this means but I have the feeling I should be gravely offended and deeply upset.
11046247
Nice, anon is like a jester that has taken the throne for himself, and is making some peoples lives better in the process