B.E.E.-Probe's adventure
This is my first fanfic for this site
Disclaimer:i only one my charater nothing else
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NOTE:READ THIS NOTE BEFORE YOU COMPLAIN YOU'LL MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF IF YOU DON'T!!!!
I'm in 8th grade so i'm still learning grammar and what not plus i'm not allowed to use P.O.V. script writing which the entire story was relying on. and this laptop is old so some keys on the keyboard becomes unresponsive every now and then.
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Chapter 1 In a new world
Time:13:00 Location:somewhere over Equestria
"Ok It looks like the dimensional portal works but will take awhile to get back a full power" said a mysterious Stallion to his droids .time to launch B.E.E.-probe-XR" and just like that a Giant Bee-like robot came appeared "You know what to do and also there's 7 unknown energy source detected go and find out what it is" he commaned and off went the probe.
Location:Ponyville library
As Twilight was sorting all of the books she heard Spike's screaming "TWILIIIIIGGGHT!" he shouted, "What is it spike?" The unicorn asked. "THERE'S A GIANT METAL BEE IN THE HOUSE!!", "Don't be silly there's no such thing as a-a-a-a-...." she became speechless as she realized that he was telling the truth. Then with out warning the 2 part what appears to be the eyes suddenly shined some type light on her and Spike as if i was studying us then a holographic model of Twilight and Spike appeared then went towards it's eyes after that the lights went away so did the metal bee. "What just happened"?Spike ask still struck with fear "I GOT TO ALERT EVERYPONY SPIKE TAKE A NOTE AND SEND IT TO EVERYPONY!" she shouted instead of answering Spike's question.
Location:Apple Farm
As the Probe went to what appears to be a apple farm for there was rows and rows of apple trees B.E.E. detected another unknown energy source It decided "I might as well take a sample of a apple and continue scanning" It thought so It went to find the source and get a apple. as it was getting the 5th apple because the fist 4 had worms in it,it see orange mare but this one had a cowboy hat that goes by the name Applejack who happens to be the source of the unknown energy making this one energy source 2 out of 7. "what are you and what do you think your doing?" she asked. It only responded by scanning her and stored the non-worm apple just before it could fly off it got taken out by rocks thrown by 2 ponies that was Big Macintosh and Apple bloom which by it's guessing is her relatives. As it recovered from the hits the metallic insect scanned the other 2 and went on.
45 min later
Location: FlutterShy's cottage
It encountered a little cottage home to hundreds of animals which by also guessing is the location of unknown energy#3.As B.E.E. approached it get knocked down again only to hit the ground this time from taking 2 carrots to the head forcing it to shutdown after who knows how many min later it reboot only to see a yellow Pegasus known as Fluttershy along with a rabbit named Angle who could have been the one responible for the sudden reboot It scanned which caused the shy pegasus to faint them and tried to fly away only to be blocked by the Angle who threw 2 carrots at me it countered this action by creating a flash that temporarily blinds the target befor flying off to source #4.
50 min later
Location:Rarity's Boutique
"Oooh gems This would be something worth taking a sample of" It said as It grabbed a gem from the only Boutique in town deciding not to test reflectivity because the last it need the laser to bounce back towards it destroying the probe and many more."GIANT BEE!!" shouted a young filly, B.E.E. turned around to see Sweetie belle a young white filly along with her older sibling know as Rarity which has the energy source so it did my little routine only to be hit with a stick "DROP THAT GEM!!" Rarity commanded. But the probe responded by saying no causing Rarity to say "IT TA-TA-TALKS!" before fainting while Sweetie belle was hiding so i proceeded to make an escape.
Location: The Cake's House
"Error Error target is moving at blinding speed does not compute" it thought as Pinkie pie a pink mare that it just scanned after scanning the cake family who are currently hiding kept bouncing around with a cake that i was almost done taking a sample of. "YOU NEVER GET THIS CAKE!!! she shouted.For the sake of my energy level (which is currently at 50%) It grabbed a cupcake put it in the sample storage and continued on to source #6.
30 min of searching for a cloud city while taking samples later
"Bouncable clouds it Thought these were one of a kind" I thought as closed the sample storage door just before being alerted that source 6 is approacing me at hight speed. "Initiating pursuit mode" It said in which it transformed in to a more areodynamic version of the B.E.E.-probe just in time to see the infamous cyan rainbow colored mane and tail Pegasus Rainbow dash pass by it which is source 6 thus starting the pursuit. As B.E.E. was preforming speed sync in which it attempts to match the targets speed it scaned her which caused her to notice it then put in the brakes causing B.E.E. to fly right in to a cloud. It wasn't long before i was found by the same cyan pegasus who happens to be the first one to recived the alert. "You must be that metal bee twi was panicking about i'm taking you to the princess" she said.Fearing that it would get dismantled it tried to escape from her she tried to take B.E.E. somewhere but i used the blinding flash freeing it from her grip allowing It to fly toawrds a castle for the final source unaware it was spotted by a young orange Pegasus Scootaloo.
At the castle
2 min later
"Your telling me that the Bee is heading towards here?" Princess Celestia said Questioning scootaloo. "YES....THAT'S.....RIGHT!" scootaloo said between gasps indicating she got here by running. "Alright then GUARDS! SEAL OFF ALL ENTRANCES AND EXITS WE HAVEN INCOMING INTRUDER!" the princess of the sun shouted
Even though they have the entire castle on lock down the probe won't let that stop it for it has not yet shown it's full potential .
As it approached the now secured castle it picked up speed while forming a drill in front of it's face breaching the castle.
Determined to complete it's task it explored the biggest rooms first only to find guards ready to fend it off but were no match for it's blinding flash. Attempting to get away unnoticed scootaloo quietly runs while the bot wasn't looking but ends up getting scanned anyways for 2 reasons 1: it knew she was there all along Reason 2:she has a link to the unknown energy. Just as it left help arrived: The mare 6. "Have you seen a-" Twilight started before being interrupted "Giant metal bee yes i have in fact it went that way." scootaloo said pointing to the left sending them on their way to assist the princess at stopping this unknown mechanical creature.
I know the grammar is horrible just tell me what needs to be fixed and I get It fixed ASAP Because not all of my Ideals comes out good let alone perfect and also for now on any negative comments needs to contain improvement request those that don't contain one,or are there just to describe how bad i am,or to make fun of will be removed starting on 9/14/2012. Also Most editing and chapter writing will be done on weekends and holidays.
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>reads description
Welp, looks like it's time to get out the old checklist. Let's see what we've got here:
Headsplodingly bad grammar: Check.
Terrible dialogue: Check.
Jumbled, nonsensical plot: Check.
Way too short for all the stuff that happens: Check.
Blatant Mary Sue main character: Not yet, but extremely likely.
Yup, looks like what we've got here is a genuine, grade-A badfic. Please enjoy your complimentary Exterminatus:
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/2152663_o.gif
No just... no. *Rates down*
Oh dear... where to begin...dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_sad.png
You seem to lack proper punctuation and grammar. simple things such as capatalising things like I and the first letter in a new line. Your spacing is a bit of a mess, and all new character lines should be introduced on seperate lines. There are quite a few spelling errors and when you are describing something like time, don't say min, say minutes. My advice, find a proofreader, and get some outside advice before posting in future, all in all this seemed very rushed, and not thouroughly checked over.
Nope. *flies away*
dl.dropbox.com/u/81733307/batman-umbrella.gif
1268330 My thought's exactly dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_Scratch.png
Tell me this is a troll fic. For the love of God, at least let me believe that.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/choo-choo-motherfucker.jpg
Terrible grammar
Can't spell worth shit
Utter lack of any humor or readable dialogue whatsoever
Alicorn blah blah seventh Element blah blah it's like you look up the definition of Gary Stu and used it as a cheat sheet.
All he needs is to be red and black. That would just be icing on the cake.
My reccomendation would be to delete this thing ASAP. Come back in a few weeks after you develop the tiniest sliver of skill in your writing. And, just for safety's sake-- absolutely no alicorn OC's and under no circumstances let the phrase "7th Element" appear anywhere ever.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
COLOSSAL FAIL PLANE INBOUND!
gifsoup.com/view/220154/plane-crash-o.gif
NYEEOOOWWRRRR
Hi buddy :
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1268598
gifsoup.com/view7/2881788/threw-it-on-the-ground-o.gif
ERMAHGURD!! STOPPIT!
1268330 Hey that's what happens when you don't allow me to use the P.O.V. script and beside I'm In 8th grade (age 14)
1268562 It has been corrected plus read bottom of chapter
1268351 Hey not everyone is perfect at writing a fan fiction i'm just one of them
1268751 No one writes may contain bad grammar in the description because others pointed it out dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Soarin_dayum.png They get their ass up to speed and fix it! Even your responses to comments were lacking punctation and missing words
1268661
The reason you're not allowed to use a POV script format on this site is because it reads like shit. This site is for housing fiction works written with a prose narrative that are meant to be read, not watched. The problem with scripting formats is that they are not written for the audience to read, they are written for the actors to interpret to the audience.
POV script format: Great for plays/TV shows, shit for reading.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-ssJcKDUBk7I/UDOAZtHhrGI/AAAAAAAAHZA/K7maOx0BVjs/s1600/MoreYouKnow.jpg
p.s. I'll be back when I get a chance to read this story and we'll see if there's something that I can help you repair.
1268751
Okay, I'll admit I didn't read the entire thing. I don't think it was necessary. Here's a list of issues to address:
* Capitalization: There seems to be many errant capital letters attached to verbs and pronouns, while many of the proper nouns that NEED capitalized were missing it (okay, "I" is a pronoun, but it's a special case and needs to be capitalized also).
Use a spell checker. Almost every spelling error I saw would have been caught by a spell checker, and if you have MS Word it even has a rudimentary grammar checker (although don't trust all the calls the grammar checker makes).
* Narrative mode: This is a mess, I couldn't tell where the story was being told from. Third person omniscient, third person limited, first person from the bee thingy's perspective?? Hell, it seemed like the narrative mode changed mid-sentence at some points. Changing modes in a story is not impossible, but it is extremely difficult to pull of well.
* Punctuation/Spacing: There is a LOT of missing and misused punctuation present. Mostly missing periods at the end of sentences. There are spaces in front of punctuation (which is a big no-no), and spaces missing after punctuation.
* Paragraphs: New Speaker, new paragraph. Every time. No exceptions. Also watch out for changes in focus of the narration as a cue for when to start a new paragraph.
* Spelling:
* Story-telling in general: This thing is super fast-paced and very choppy. Slow down and take some time to add more discription of the scene and what's happening. Also, perhaps describe the BEE's trip from location to location, rather than just dumping us in the new location with a section break.
Alright, I think that's all I got. There's other problems I'm sure, but I believe the rest of the TWE will probably be arriving shortly and they will be able to help further... well, most of them at least.
i.imgur.com/7iudW.jpg
Wow, just wow... this is literally, physically painful.
The other comments already contained every possible advice I could give you, and more eloquently than I ever could, so all I can really say is: listen to them. Take a long, hard look at your work and just ask yourself whether or not you could have done any better. If you feel this story really is worth telling, you have to give it the effort it deserves.
With all your defensiveness, I get the feeling you rushed this thing, like you wanted to get it over with as soon as possible for some reason. That's not good. Always take however much time you think you need to make your work the best you can.
1268661 I'm pretty sure I knew to capitalize I and put periods at the end of sentences when I was in 8th grade. No sell.
1272324 Well for your information writing happens to be my 2nd least favorite subject [only to history]
1268598 are you a spammer ?
I'm sorry but I'm in 8th grade as well, and have been taught how to indent paragraphs, use punctuation and capitalization, and so on pretty decently. The thing is I've been taught that since 3rd grade, and had it drilled into my head up to 6th grade. If you plan on making more fan fiction, I'd suggest what most people suggest: read more literature, and absorb it. I can see that you were trying (if this is a trollfic then i'll be damned)
1272820
If you hate writing, why are you writing this?
Also, almost everypony should know by know that any powerful, colorful, alicorn Oc's will be flamed immediately if there not written well.
3914014
they're*
1268661
Plot twist: I'm fourteen too!
1268661
Kid, even if you were in bloody fifth grade, this stuff is atrocious. I've seen kids younger than you that can write like champs and at least no basic things like capitalization, periods, and elementary spelling. This isn't rocket science.
Also...
1268751
You're right. You're not perfect. You were never asked to be perfect. Even my favorite authors have yet to be perfect. However, there's a huge difference between asking for you to be perfect and asking you to even be bloody readable. Right now, were I your 8th grade English teacher, I would fail this and seriously consider reteaching you the basic stuff from first and second grade that you either don't know or are too careless to correct.
4728809
*Know
4795531
Well, now. Don't I look like the asshole. 
Whoops.
Truthfully I was once even worse than this.
To the author:
The good news is you can only get better at this point. Read some basic how to's on how to write a story and start getting help from people with more experience. And PLEASE maintain a good attitude. If someone's trying to help don't get pissed cuz you think you're already good enough.
Didn't even realize the author has been gone for nearly a 100 weeks
Oops lol.
4795832
4728809
You are aware this author is long gone and not coming back... right?
4795850 Read the comment below you lol.
4795850
How'd you get here?
4795974 popped up all over my feed
4795997
Oh. Well this is that stiry I was telling you about. Back when we were trying to find the worst rated stories on here
4795850
No, I didn't. How long have they been gone?
4796085 93 weeks
4796113
Oh, damn. Ok. Guess that explains the lack of ranting and raving.
This is dead, right?
Yo you should continue this, man
6817829
I don't think he's continuing it.