I got my measuring kit out and found the cup, measuring out just one ounce.
Very scientific!
I noticed a paper in the cabinet that I hadn’t seen before and left it there, resolving to bring it back with me when I was done straightening up. I fix it up pretty good, making it look like a proper office with a desk on one wall flanked by filing cabinets. The old couch I left on he opposite wall.
Alright, this paragraph is rather confusing. It ping pongs between different subjects without explicitly informing the reader of the subject change which is really confusing. We start off about the light coming from Zipp's wings and cutie mark as she tests it. In the first part of the paragraph the idea everything revolves around is the light coming from Zipp's wings. Then there's this sentence: "I started with the cabinet where I had found the jar," which makes it seem like the paragraph is now about the cabinet. However from "I started to" the end of the paragraph Zipp's actions make it clear this part --the second part-- of the paragraph is about Zipp cleaning the northeast corner. She sets up the filing cabinet, she talks about how she's "straightening up," and makes the place look like a "proper office." I did not realize this first read, so when Zipp says she "fixed it up pretty good," it sounded like she was saying she fixed the filing cabinet, but then there's a desk on the wall and it's like And I had to reread the paragraph three more times before I realized the desk is part of the northeast corner of the terminal, not part of the filing cabinet or something related to Zipp's wing glow.
To sum up, there are in effect there are two main ideas in this paragraph: the light from Zipp, and the tidying of the northeast corner. There is a sneaky cabinet that wants you to think the paragraph is about it too.
There is an easy solution to this though, it is; paragraph breaks.
You see, this is not one paragraph, it's actually two paragraphs in a trench coat! So now behold to my revised version of this part:
I decided to test the light coming from my wings and cutie mark in the north east corner where the light barely ever reaches. My wings put off enough light to see everything pretty decently. It wasn’t enough to read by, but I could definitely see all the debris and furniture that was knocked over.
Seeing how dirty everything was, I decided to give the North East corner a clean up. I started with the cabinet where I had found the jar. I picked it up and put it in place against the wall. I noticed a paper in the cabinet that I hadn’t seen before, but left it there-- resolving to bring it back with me when I was done straightening up. I fixed everything up pretty good, making it look like a proper office with a desk on one wall flanked by filing cabinets. The old couch I'd found I left on he opposite wall.
Also, with how man quadrants and directions are present in this fic, I think it'd be cool if there was a map! It would make things extra clear!
Very scientific!
Alright, this paragraph is rather confusing. It ping pongs between different subjects without explicitly informing the reader of the subject change which is really confusing. We start off about the light coming from Zipp's wings and cutie mark as she tests it. In the first part of the paragraph the idea everything revolves around is the light coming from Zipp's wings. Then there's this sentence: "I started with the cabinet where I had found the jar," which makes it seem like the paragraph is now about the cabinet. However from "I started to" the end of the paragraph Zipp's actions make it clear this part --the second part-- of the paragraph is about Zipp cleaning the northeast corner. She sets up the filing cabinet, she talks about how she's "straightening up," and makes the place look like a "proper office." I did not realize this first read, so when Zipp says she "fixed it up pretty good," it sounded like she was saying she fixed the filing cabinet, but then there's a desk on the wall and it's like And I had to reread the paragraph three more times before I realized the desk is part of the northeast corner of the terminal, not part of the filing cabinet or something related to Zipp's wing glow.
To sum up, there are in effect there are two main ideas in this paragraph: the light from Zipp, and the tidying of the northeast corner. There is a sneaky cabinet that wants you to think the paragraph is about it too.
There is an easy solution to this though, it is; paragraph breaks.
You see, this is not one paragraph, it's actually two paragraphs in a trench coat! So now behold to my revised version of this part:
Also, with how man quadrants and directions are present in this fic, I think it'd be cool if there was a map! It would make things extra clear!
11031319
You are 100% right about that paragraph break. But Zipp isn't always the best at clarity in her personal journal.
As for the map...I may do one. I like the idea.
"WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS"