lordgriffin
Joined 5th Aug, 2013 ·
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Sequels1
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lordgriffin · 10k words · 21 11 · 582 views
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you and me both its so damn rare! But great job. Only 2 things i noticed
"is missing at the end.
what's up with the >?
and if i may suggest, thoughts should be in italic, so one can tell it apart from spoken dialogue
10996310
Thank you for the Feedback!
Yea This is the first time I have posted on here....Ever... so my formatting is not perfect yet....
How did I do writing the um..Action scenes.?
What's the fetish?
10996329
Oral, Hoof/foot (not really highlighted) Bestiality?
10996318
You did well, though would Suggest discribing if she was a virgin, Detail the size difference, like did he struggle to fit it in/penetrade her, that small Details
I loved the mystery at the end i hope you do write a sequel that further delves into and eventually solve the mystery you teased us with at the end
11001778
Hmmmm
I coudl be moved to do that, the question is...what images did that inspire to YOU....what would you like to see this Siren do? :)
11007394
Three things popped into my head
One: Aria is talking to her between dimensions
Two: Aria has possessed her and the mirror shows us the truth and Aria is really the human or
Three: Aria used whatever magic she had to transfer her Siren powers to the human as she "fell" through the portal and like the first thing i said they are communicating between dimensions as Aria teaches the human how to use her new Siren powers
These are the things that popped in my head at the end of the story when you teased the mystery. I'd love any of these reasons to be the subject of the mystery we will try to solve if you decide to make a sequel. Also i'd love the sequel to have more chapters than this one off maybe 10 chapters filled with hints, red herrings, twists and turns, character development for the human and Shining Armor , and maybe go a bit dark as the story progresses , then end it with both a dark ending and a good ending. I hope this was what you meant when you asked me your question
Magnificent reading experience
Good work. The "action scenes" could use a little more detail but the foundation is there and, more importantly, there is an underlying story for people who want some sub-plot with their porn.
This is the only part that I noticed any rhythm breaking errors. I think you were implying that shining was licking but mixed up your pronoun. More detail would be invaluable here. If "licked..." was "gently ran his tongue through the valley between the warm soft breasts." It would help eliminate the subject confusion since it could be attributed to shining doing the licking just from positioning even with the error. Without it the action is a little vauge and who is doing what gets a little muddled.
I'm going to theorize that Abby is a thrall and not a full fledged siren. Any power she's gained from Aria is transient and weak. Nothing more than slight compulsion that she can push onto others. That would ease the explanation why Shining was seduced rather easily and any other ponies she works her magic on.
For the sequel you were considering. Maybe time scoot a little bit and have her working in a crystal spa or a groomers/boutique/horse barber?. Then Cadence can stop by for a treatment (hearing about her grooming abilities from both Shining and staff around the palace) and fall to her human wiles much like Shining. Then you have the basis for a royal takeover finale since she's collected the pair.
For that final story we can have the reveal of the royal couple simetaneously finding out the other was sack-hopping with the human. Multiple months have passed now and Abby has become strong friends with the royal couple through her magic hand work (possibly elevating her to palace groomer). Maybe have Shining's conscience eat at him till he has a late night talk with his wife. Cadence admits that she was seduced as well and it brings up the question of why they went with it so easily. Theories are considered, Twilight is called in, siren's compulsion is discovered and broken. Reconciliations are had, strong friendship bonds result in a invitation to the royal bed, flurry gets a weird lookin bald ape aunt.
I prefer the happy endings. There's too much sadness in the world to make people feel bad while wanking.
I am now emotionally invested..................ANOTHER!
11068190
I will see what i can do, where do you hope this goes? :)
11029833
Wow, Thanks for the GREAT feedback.
I think you are right about my pronouns.... you have some great suggestions (I like getting them) As the holidays end I will consider a squeal....
11007505
Yes that was pretty much what I was looking for :)
11029773
THANK YOU!
11089646
I hope for a sequel one day?
11089740
Yes, I think so
11091883
Very nice 
Nice
First I was like, ehh, Armor being a cheater don't really care I'm here for the woman on stallion action. Then the ending made me go, oh no, I want to know more.
So good start for this story can be interesting to see if there will be more after this.
11192565
You do know I started the sequel right? :)
This is very common HiE error that I have seen time and again. And it is very inaccurate.
While both cows and sheep are shown to be sapient, because that is the word you're actually looking for, pigs. chickens, and fish are not. So this is just plain wrong as a statement goes.
Aria is purple and not blue. Sonata is the blue siren, and she is light blue. Also, you don't need siren capitalized here.
11195338
Wow Thank you:)
Interesting perspective on Vegans. I know in one episode a snake was trying to eat (some animal) but I do not know if the ponies ever dealt with the concept of some animals being killed and eaten online....but then again they never explained (explicitly) where Flurryheart came from.
This is what intrigues me as a writer...if I decide to dive into those parts (obviously avoided because it was a young children's snow) how will it be received by the fans :)
11195933
That wasn't a perspective on vegans. It was aimed at the all to common, and deeply erroneous idea that ponies would be afraid of carnivores and omnivores that gets perpetuated in too many HiE stories. And the further mistake that humans would be able to get our full dietary needs met as a result.
It's a pretty stupid idea to be honest. More so given that no less than three of the mane six have carnivores for pets.
It is an idea that needs to be written out rather than carried on. And yes, I did see that you fixed this in the sequel.
I still don't know what you'd feed a toothless alligator though.
11197835
I don't now I would say the Ponies woudl be AFRAID of a predator.... But I know when I watch an IRL Hare, eating it's own pellets (normal for them) I have a bit of an "ew" reaction....
Is that an unreasonable reaction for a pony?
11197838
It kind of is, because they deal with others who aren't herbivorous at least somewhat regularly.
Griffons and Minotaurs are good examples of this even if we've only seen the one minotaur.
So, it's not a very likely reaction, if it would even happen at all.
If you're saying the pony in question is being rude I can see it happening though.
Uhhhhhhhhh get an editor!!