Enter Arcelot: A magical strategy board game that every unicorn in Equestria knows the rules to, but few are called upon to master. An unassuming filly by the name of Meteorite is determined to enter the rarefied world of the professional players at all costs—the only world, in her mind, that she belongs.
After winning a sweepstakes to hang out with a lifelong idol of hers during a high-profile tournament, Meteorite is closer to this world than she ever has been. Truly, it is everything she ever dreamed of... so why does it still not feel right for her?
Inspired by coming-of-age stories such as Hikaru no Go, and March Comes In Like a Lion.
Chapters (2)
Fascinating stuff. I hope you revisit this.
Had this story bookmarked ever since the day it came out, I believe, though I only managed to get around to reading it now. I apologise for such a delay. I see that you've also published another story since then, so it's possible that some of the advice given below will be on things you already know. Still, maybe some of it will help you improve, and maybe someone else will find it helpful as well.
The long description was what caught my eye, promising an interesting SoL story that I believe many could relate to despite the story focusing on something so specific as a community of strategy board game players. However, I think that the topic of wanting to belong somewhere, only to find that we're not completely satisfied there because of others, is something that could easily resonate with many. So, to sum it up, great job on persuading the reader to give the story a try.
Now, regarding the story itself... it's sadly not as good as the description is. The thing is, the story's opening (and not just the opening) should hook the readers (since you cannot rely on everybody reading the blurbs) and convince them to read on by promising something interesting as well as giving them a taste of the story's themes and atmosphere. The issue with the opening chapter is that it doesn't really do this. The first few paragraphs show Rite's excitement about meeting Leo in a nice and natural way, which is great. It's clear that this meeting means a lot to her. However, the rest of the chapter fails to follow up on that. There's quite a lot of sections that serve as mere info dumps, completely halting the story's flow, killing the atmosphere, and detracting from the plot. Most of the information you provide this way can be saved for later or omitted altogether. The audience won't remember most of what the information-heavy section conveyed anyway, so focus just on the relevant info that you need to convey in that moment. (Note that the info dump on Arcelot that I presume was supposed to clarify the game only further muddies it. You'd definitely benefit more from showing some tidbits of the game like you do towards the part of the chapter. Attempting to summarise its history and principles in a few paragraphs to clarify the game simply backfires.)
Another issue is the very fast pacing of the rest of the chapter. You don't really let the characters interact to slow down and allow the readers to grasp what's happening. There's no time to build up much chemistry (in non-sexual meaning of the word) between the characters. The part where Leo offers Rite the game is pretty much just a slightly less bare-bones version than something like this would be:
That's not really enticing, is it? Furthermore, it also doesn't feel very natural. You oftentimes relying on very long sentences (such as the one quoted below) as well as on dialogues without a lot of visuals or non-verbal communication further worsens the problem and bars you from fully setting up the scene. This is a story that's apparently supposed to focus on feelings and atmosphere, so make sure that you do your best to deliver on that.
Regarding some smaller, but rather noticeable errors, make sure that you don't have two speakers speaking within the same paragraph. It's extremely confusing to read, and it's one of the golden rules of writing that truly shouldn't be broken. Lastly, make sure to be consistent in the way you refer to the characters. It's fine if other characters address them in different ways, and it's also fine if you for some reason need to once mention the full name of the character, but your narrator should generally stick to using a single name. It's rather jarring if 'Rite' appears out of the blue after a while of the narrator referring to her as 'Meteorite'.
And that's pretty much all I wanted to mention. Let me know if anything was unclear or if you'd like me to elaborate on something. I'd love to see this story get some extra TLC as well as some new chapters. The premise is great.