The dark pony paced back and forth as a voice talked to her. “So the prince has awoken. Well done.”
The pony kept pacing. “I didn't plan that thinking I could beat him.”
“Oh I know that,” the voice said. “I'm just wondering why you haven’t attacked him again. Sent him to Equestria yet.” “If this is going to work, we need him to have his full power. Learning to harness it on Earth will make way for us to have easier control of him.” the pony said.
“Well, the young prince is ready now, wouldn't you think?” The voice questioned. The dark pony stopped. “Yes. It is time for me to ready him. Ready him to be the prince.....of darkness.”
Chapter 2-Falling into Darkness
It's been a week since I transformed into an alicorn on my birthday, in front of my family. Naturally, I didn't go to school for a week. We all worked on adjusting life and I was SO grateful for my family. They stood by me and did everything they could to help me. One, we bought a glove, one of those that cover up the palm and the back of your hand, but left the fingers free. Two, when I learned how to retract my wings, we bought a backpack. It was big enough that I could fit my books AND my wings, without looking suspicious. I spent a whole day practicing how to summon my sword and de-summon it. Because of it's color, I named it “Stormtide.”
I learned very quickly that the necklace was supposed to represent my unicorn horn. Whenever I was really agitated, it would glow and magic would happen. I remember I got mad at my big sis and blew up the TV, then put it back together. I quickly learned how to fly, and would fly around with my little sister's on my back. And the cutie marks on my hand? If I concentrated and yelled out one of the Mane 6's names, my clothes would change colors and I would gain very unique powers. I yelled Rainbow's name yesterday and started shooting all over the house, a rainbow behind me. My shirt had turned cyan and my pants had been rainbow colored. That was yesterday, but now I had to go to school.
If I had only known it would be the last time.
School was pretty boring and usual. I was in gym talking to my best friend, Karen. She was the only person who knew about my pony side, besides my family.
“So you pretty much turned into Rainbow Dash? SO COOL!” Did I mention she was a MAJOR pegasister?
“Yes,”I said. “I haven't tried Rarity's yet, wonder what happens with her's?”
Karen jumped up and down, clearly happy. “Probably is sweet!” We headed out in the gym to play dodgeball.
In the middle of the game, we all heard a....voice. “Dodgeball? I would just LOVE to play with you humans!” Everyone stopped moving. “Ohhh this is bad.” Karen said. “Eeyup.” I said.
A swirling darkness settled in the middle of the gym. It stopped and turned into....”Big Mac?!” Karen yelped.
The shadow Big Mac looked at us and said, “Eeyup.” He then turned and started kicking dodgeballs at everyone, HARD. I took one to the stomach and went flying. Then I saw one flying toward Karen.
“Karen! No!” I yelled, ripping my backpack off, exposing my wings. I shot thought the air and pushed her out of the way. Everyone in the room gasped, but I was past caring.
“I'm okay, Star!” Karen said. “Go get him!” I nodded and landed in front of the shadow Big Mac.
“Well, so you are the little prince.” he said.
I was shocked, hearing him say more then one word. But I yelled back. “I'm NOT A PRINCE!” Big Mac kicked a ball toward me, I barely had time to deflect it with magic. As he rushed at me, I stepped out of the way and summoned Stormblade. I cut a gash in his side as he rushed past. He did kick me in the face though sending me into the bleachers. “Owww.” I said, wincing. I landed on the ground and thought about what Karen told me. “Wonder what Rarity's is? Bet it's sweet!” I stood up and yelled, “Rarity!” In a burst of light, my shirt became white and my sleeves and pants turned purple.
I shot diamonds(DIAMONDS?!) out of my hand at Big Mac. I got him in the butt and he charged at me again. I ducked away and wrapped rubies around his legs like a rope. I flew up into the air, wrapped him around and slammed him into the ground. Then I flew down yelling, “RRRAAAA!!!” I slammed the sword deep into his heart and flipped off of him.
As he started to disappear he said, “You'll be in Equestria soon.” He completely disappeared. I transformed back to normal and ran over to Karen. “Karen, listen to me.” She looked at me, crying. “I have to leave for a while, but I promise I'll be back.” I softly took her head and looked at her. “I promise.”
She stepped back. “I know Starlight. Now go do what you have to.” I kissed her on the forehead and ran out the door. Once outside, I took off into the sky, flying home.
I landed in front of my house. I ran up to the front door.....and then the house exploded. I flew backwards and slammed into the street. “NOOOO!!!” I yelled.
I heard a voice from behind me. “I told you to enjoy what you had left.” Nightmare Moon said walking up to the house. “Now come and take your place as the prince of darkness!”
I looked down and said, “They loved me...and you took that from me. They knew what would happen when they adopted me.” I looked up, pure rage in my eyes. “I will make them proud. And I'll do that by killing you, you insane, murderous BITCH!!” My eyes flashed, and I saw white. I felt a terrible burning on my right hand. I raised Stormtide and yelled, “MANE 6!” My body exploded with color, and I shot a vicious blast of pure magic, slamming Nightmare with it.
Nightmare took off and flew in the sky, me closely behind. I kept shooting her with raw magic, not even caring. Suddenly I looked down and saw we were over a giant black hole.
“The portal to your destiny!” Nightmare laughed.
Many things rushed though my mind, but I said softly. “See you later, Karen.” I launched myself at Nightmare and swung Stormtide upward, slashing her. Then I teleported upward and slashed her downward, into the portal. I flew in after her. Suddenly my wings didn't work! I flapped and flapped trying to go up but it was no use. The portal shut above us and we fell.
As we fell, we fought hard. I flew by her and cut a deep gash in her side. She pushed me away and shot dark magic at me. I deflected her shots and fired back out of my left hand. Suddenly our blasts connected and we pushed, trying to get the better of each other.
She said, “You Will Be Mine!”
“Not on your life!” I yelled. I pushed harder and slammed my magic into her horn, breaking her magic. She screamed and disappeared. The portal walls around me turned white and I suddenly was falling in the middle of the sky. “Oh this is NOT good.” I said, as I turned back to normal. I de-summoned Stormtide and found myself heading for a giant tree. “Well,” I said. “Here we go.” The last thing I remembered was slamming into the roof of the tree house and everything went black.
Let's Review: The Legend of Starlight! Pt 2: Electric Boogaloo
Onwards we ride dear children, through the fire and the OH GOD MARTY STU! Going into this chapter, you summarise the events of you turning into an 'alicorn'. And of your family's acceptance. Yes, you summarised a scene needs to be protracted and heavily emotional in order to make any sense whatsoever. Why? So we can dispense with all of that silly 'character development' and 'deep and engaging story' to get on with the plot of course! Regarding alicorns...
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Alicorns are creatures like Celestia, ponies with both pegasus and unicorn magic, implied to be immortal, yadda yadda. This human with wings and spontaneous tattoo does not an alicorn make.
The plot of this... I don't want to sound too harsh, but this needs a complete rewrite. I can say that much, and I'm barely through the second fucking chapter, sorry. You have wings and a magical sword, and all we have for character interaction is 'They stood by me and did everything they could to help me.'... This is, again, poor story telling. You should show the events that lead up to them accepting him. His reaction to growing wings should not have been 'can I have more cake?', because that is, in the immortal words of my friend Chris, FUCKING RETARDED. I'm probably beginning to sound like a broken record on this whole realistic reactions thing, but I'm still having difficulty wrapping my brain around the sheer volume of abject failure in the previous chapter. A trend which continues, I'm afraid to say. You write reasonably good prose, although it's flagging in this chapter. But the subject matter... dear god. A brony who becomes an Alicorn, with a super special awesome sword and can turn into Rainbow Dash? Are you familiar with the terms 'wish fulfillment' and 'Gary Stu'?
Yes, dear readers, you heard me correct. He turns into a sparkly human version of Rainbow Dash. And it is implied he can turn into the others, by yelling their names. I honestly don't know what to say to that. It is somehow even more egregiously Gary Stuish than that Alicorn OC of rawhavocs that could turn into a jet fighter, of all things. Let's just leave it at that.
Enter Karen. She already knows about your transformation, and has accepted you, thereby removing any possible emotional conflict from this piece. This is another thing you should have shown. You know, you've just gone through a horribly painful transformation, barely managed to win over your family, gained awesome magical powers, and then it hits you. "How the hell do I live my old life like this?" Because you are now stuck with wings. If you're discovered, you'll probably become a modern day freak-show. How do you hide something so obvious? Who can you trust to know? Oh, right, Karen's pretty cool, she'd be fine with your enormous wings, right? Now how to break it to her without her freaking out... The anxiety! Etc. That kinda thing would really make the whole idea of you growing wings go over much better, in my opinion. Real emotional conflict, first with your family, then with your friends, because those are the kind of things you would realistically worry about if you were in some way magically altered.
But no, Karen is pretty much a passive love interest here, and completely accepting of your ability to turn into RD. I will likely refer to her as Love Interest from now on, because she's not very interesting, and may in fact be a body pillow in heavy disguise. So, you chat a little, and then suddenly Big Mac. Only evil, and spouting the same pseudo-prophetic stuff the others did. Cue dull surprise from the rest of the people in the room. If ponies were accepted to be real in this setting, then I could expect this kind of reaction to a pony teleporting in... but here? See my complaints about realistic reactions to weird crap. Teleporting ponies definitely count. And then he attacks in possibly the least threatening manner possible, by kicking soft, pliable dodgeballs at people. So you kill him, revealing your deformities (not to mention magic) in the process, rather doing the sensible thing and running away, because he's a horse and thus too large to fit through single width doorways. It's not like Love interest was in much danger there, since Mac was mainly going for you, so why not run away and fight on your terms (i.e. when he's stuck in a doorway )?
I laughed my ass off at 'and then the house exploded', but probably not for the reasons you intended. It seems like the fic takes a jaunt into the pseudo-elemental plane of Crazy for the end of this chapter, really. Nightmare Moon blew up your house. Why? Because you need to get to Equestria and thwart her, damn it! She's starting to feel lonely and unloved without a faceless block of muscle to leer at while she makes her evil villain speeches. She's had to make do with pastel coloured (not to mention entirely female) pony protagonists for too long, you see. You have a heroic blue-screen-of-death, which is a somewhat realistic reaction to the death of your family, and ascend to Super Sayan mode... wait for it... by yelling 'Mane 6!'. Yeah. Hurk.
The universe accidentally an entire black hole beneath you, while you are fighting NM. I hope there is a scene later where you are forced to explain to an irate Celestia why she has to spend several hundred years clearing the rubble of the pulverised Earth off the surface of Equestria. I likely hope in vain. As for the fight itself, it seems to involve you and NM flying around WW1 dogfight style going 'pew pew' at each other with your magical powers, before finally deciding to settle the score with FREAKIN' LASER BEAMS. Meh, seen worse, but the pew pew section is underwhelming, and the laser beams section feels like you cribbed it from god knows how many other stories that use that trope, like Harry Potter for example.
Well, as we wrap this chappy up, Star is finally in Equestria, after all of 1500 words of buildup. He forgets how to fly, because the plot demands, or possibly because realism is finally catching up with him and he now has less than a week's worth of experience in using his wings. The latter explanation makes more sense, imo, because humans are not a species naturally adapted to flight, and thus learning how to do so effectively would likely take several months of hard practice. Anyway, chapter three beckons, ciao.
annnnnnd... I'm done.