The Beast Of Hollow Mountain

The town of Appleoosa is located south of Canterlot in the world of Equestria. The ponies of this fair town are more often than not, pleasant, honest and hardworking. There had been some animosity between the settlers and the local buffalo population in the days following the return of Nightmare Moon. However, any serious bloodshed was prevented by Twilight Sparkle and her friends acting as peacekeepers. As of today, the two species have been getting along quite well. In fact, the two species have been getting along so well that there have even been a couple of interspecies relationships. Celestia have mercy on whoever's dating the buffalo that likes being on top!

Everypony has embraced this new way of living with open forelegs. Everypony that is, except one.

On a lonely table in the local saloon, there sat a rugged-looking stallion with an off-white coat and a cerulean mane. His cutie mark was that of a rusty cattle prod. In his hoof, he held a pint of warm, brown beer in a wooden mug with metal plating. His teal eyes were bloodshot; a clear sign of sleep-deprivation. He stared blankly at the other ponies in the saloon, occasionally hearing phrases like ‘Howdy Partner!’ and ‘Set ‘em up, bartender!’ and groaned. Those damned mares from ponyville had ended the feud between ponies and buffalo. “Ah’ had everything before those bitches came and ruined my business! Ah’ used to make a fortune off those catapults! Now that everything’s all happy-go-lucky, I ain’t got no damn customers!”

“Oh dear, what a tragedy! Get over yourself, tomtug!” A pony in a purple and yellow cloak said sarcastically.

Cowpoke paid no mind to the foreigner’s insults and trotted outside to get back to his herd. His cattle were just a few blocks away. "Ah' just hope that shortcut people have been talkin' 'bout makes gettin' those worthless flesh-sacks to the market easier."

The moon began its climb into the sky as it did every night. The path that Cowpoke had taken for tonight's cattle run was a gully that ran past what was known to the buffalo as Hollow Mountain. The buffalo were wary of such a place for unknown reasons. They said that every night, a demon awoke hungry for the souls of anycreature foolish enough to cross its path.

Cowpoke trundled nervously through the thickening fog, he was genuinely frightened to be taking this route at night. Not because of the demon, but because of the rabid coyotes that were on the prowl when darkness fell. To make matters worse, the gully passes through a clearing, next to a spooky old quarry mine.

Cowpoke prayed that the cattle would continue on their journey. The last thing he wanted to do at this time of night was to stop next to the mine. But the cows had begun to tire from their long journey to the market. He had to stop.

Now that he and his cattle were resting by the mine, the fog seemed to surround them as if some form of higher power was deliberately trying to create a sense of unease. When Cowpoke was away from the herd, every sound and every shadow was spooky.

Suddenly, he saw something!

A great chimney was standing tall just fifteen meters away. It wasn’t quite as wide as you and I might think, its red brick structure blackened by ash. Then, without warning, the ground shook! To Cowpoke’s shock, the chimney began to sink into the ground! He watched in awe as it continued its descent into the earth, finally crashing down and sending a plume of smoke up into the air! “Gods Above!” He shouted. He thought it best to stay away from anywhere near that chimney. It was a clear sign that years of erosion after the mine shafts had been abandoned had left the ground unstable.

As he got his bearings, he noticed the corpse of some kind of animal, nearby. Upon closer inspection, he found it was that of a coyote. The dead body had something long and sharp embedded in its chest. Cowpoke yanked it out to find that it was in fact a tooth.

Then, there was a loud cry of pain as he heard his cattle fleeing in the other direction. When the severed head of a cow dropped in front of him, Cowpoke was so scared he galloped away as fast he could!

The next day, Cowpoke walked over to the saloon to tell the mysterious cloaked pony about the disappearing cow.

The middle-aged pony handed him the tooth that he had grabbed the night before. The cloaked pony looked at the long dagger of a tooth in his grasp in amazement. “It’s the beast of Hollow Mountain.” He explained. “A mammoth reptile from a time beyond memory that haunts the surrounding area. It’s legendary! It rips out your intestines and takes the rest of you back to its lair.”

Cowpoke didn’t want to believe him, but he wasn’t sure.

When night fell, he set off. The light of the full moon did little to calm his nerves. He really didn’t want to go there again.

Cowpoke only hoped he wouldn’t see anything else disappear. He sat down a nearby rock and waited anxiously for the cows to recover. “Oh Goodness…” He whispered nervously.

Suddenly, another building at the old mine sank into the ground! The resulting explosion set the surrounding mine ablaze as smoke and flames swept across the land. “What in the name of Celestia?!” Shrieked Cowpoke. He was so scared that he raced into a strange boulder without even looking! Said boulder began to rise from the ground and reveal that it was in fact a gigantic living creature! Before long, the only thing that the fleeing cattle could hear other than each other’s hoof steps were screaming, the tearing of flesh and the crushing of bones!

Cowpoke had been killed by the beast of Hollow Mountain!

The giant beast carried the pony’s lifeless husk in her jaws as she made her way back to her cave. Inside, a trio of hungry chicks were waiting patiently to be fed. The reptilian behemoth lumbered over to them before dropping her lifeless prey onto the ground. She curled up as she heard her offspring ripping the carcass to shreds.

She was the guardian of The Badlands. She was the supposed demon. She was The Beast Of Hollow Mountain; A mother allosaurus.

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Scholarly-Cimmerian

Scholarly-Cimmerian #1 · Nov 1st, 2021 · 1 · ·

"The Beast of Hollow Mountain"? Whoa, that's a blast from the past. Haven't thought about that movie for a long, long time.

As for the story itself... it's all right. Your writing isn't *bad* on a technical level, but I think you need to work on the type of narrative voice (as in, narration) you want to use for a story like this. It's kind of passive, and tends to summarize or just state what's being told in the story, which hurts the impact of the tale you could tell here.

And, to be fair, there's some good thought into this. The cowpoke being the guy who benefited from selling pie catapults, now fallen on hard times, is a fine concept to start with. But in terms of selling the suspense and terror of his encounter with the beast of the mountain, it could have been better.

Still, keep trying!