Valley Fjord
Joined 29th Jul, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is an updated version of the story I posted on FanFiction.net and it is still the only story I have ever finished.
also please, I could really use feedback on any errors I might have missed.
Overall, I like the concept of the story. In places you struggle with the execution, though.
Semi-minor note: Applejack is a single word, not two.
In the first couple of chapters, this is contained to simple spelling and grammar mistakes ("wired" instead of "weird", "trios" instead of "trio's"). You also have problems with agreement of tenses, both within a sentence and within a paragraph. However in the later chapters, primarily after chapter 6, there are sentences that are phrased in ways that I found confusing. For instance:
Who is the "her" in this case? The sentence indicates that it is Rainbow Dash, and while I could understand why she would be blushing, I don't understand why she would have tear tracks on her cheeks. It would make sense if it were Twilight, as she was laughing, presumably hard enough to be crying.
Having the epilogue occur before the end of the story was also quite confusing, as the expectation for an epilogue is that it occurs after the story. Not saying that you shouldn't do it that way, just that it would've been nice to make it clear from the start, rather than making it so that we realize it a paragraph or two in. Also, I found the way it ended very confusing, until I realized that it lead directly into the scene in the previous chapter. It would make it much better in my opinion to extend the scene slightly to provide a segue between the epilogue and the scene in the previous chapter.