how the hell did Adam not realize Heart is lying when first he said his family sold him and then said they weren't even in equestria and then he said he was separated from his herd?
10974757 Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Methinks Adam just got bamboozled. I know he's probably not thinking too clearly right now, but I would have thought the whole Wisdom/Intelligence buff he has in his enhanced form would have caught that. Or DID he catch it and is just playing along? The bits about him not catching the eye twitch or piece of paper make me think not...
Though, yeah, I am VEEEERY curious as to how things will go once he gets to the capital. I mean, things between the tribes are already on thin ice, and now here he comes claiming that a corrupt Unicorn noble and her Pegasus guards just butchered an Earth Pony Family... So I'm curious to see if this event will throw off canon in some way, or if they'll just banish/imprison him for "obviously" being a villain.
So... Dude could have "ubercharged" himself this whole time? But instead he decided to watch his entire family and life burn down, and only then take action upon it?
I have no words for this.
I could see maybe if this scene was him getting the special powers by getting critically hurt in some sort of magical phenomenon or something. However, judging by the fact he knew he could just "shazam" into a near god-like form, he obviously could have activated his special powers at any time. So why the hell didn't he? This introduction makes no sense at all.
hmmm these first few chapters pacing is wayyyyy to fast. We learn of his family just for all of them to die in the same chapter? Why even tell us of his family if you kill them a few thousand words later? Could you atleast let us have a few chapters so we could learn about them and actually feel some sadness for their death.
I was enjoying this story's concept till you pulled the worst hack kneed writer trope for a tragic backstory there is in any form of writing. Ya done some fridging here. Look that term up and maybe look up some trope talk videos on YouTube. Fridging is one of the BIG nonos of writing as it doesn't make the audience care it does the opposite. Making them ask what was the point?
I could only get to the end of chapter 1 and the moment it was revealed he had the powers of a version of Shazam and didn't USE THEM AT ALL to attempt to save his family. It just screams fridging. There's not a single reason he shouldn't have used it I don't care who he was or who he was living as.
If there's one thing I know about humans it's that we don't sit passively and let people TAKE FROM US... Especially after the first wife was stabbed.
It's just too unbelievable for him to not try. Especially if he knows what powers he has because he ASKED FOR THEM.
11252256 I don't believe you actually read it, I think you skimmed it or you would've seen he tried to use his powers but couldn't as he was choking and wheezing from strikes before he could even utter the word to transform. Also as it currently stands with the chapters that are written this story is a revenge story which sort of invalidates your complaint about the tragic backstory as it's a basic part of it. In the overall view of things the entire revenge arc (once completed) could be considered his background and while that's closer to what you're talking about it's actually a rather stable and established method for defining or exemplifying a character by what they do along the way of getting their vengeance, how they accomplish it, how they react to completing it, and how they change or adjust from all of it.
so Adam's companion is a psychopathy in actuality, this will end well between them, can't wait to see what happens next.
Here hangs a tax collector: thief, arsonist, child murderer.
10974710
They'll probably call Adam a psychopath too. He lost his entire family and killed some tax collectors
how the hell did Adam not realize Heart is lying when first he said his family sold him and then said they weren't even in equestria and then he said he was separated from his herd?
Ok so that murders are dead, what next?
Video doesn't work
Eh.. not what I'd expected
I'm almost afraid to see just what sort of terrible things Adam's new companion will do before he learns about Hearts's true nature.
So Adam is actually a psychopath or he is just a run away. Either way new character.
10975094
I think you mean Hearts Obsession. 😎
Time will tell.
I liked the hanging part gonna be like an anti hero or something?
Clearly, they had never heard the Tale of Pony Taxes.
10975345
Why did I say Adam?
Give him a full body search to check if he has anything on him Adam
10976407
That would ruin the fun.
Although, I am considering adding in some Jello wrestling in the future. 😎
Ok, people, what would the equivalent be in ponydom to a wet t-shirt contest?
Monk
This chapter is hella confusing, some text feels like dialogue but has no quotations. Edit please
10974757
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Methinks Adam just got bamboozled. I know he's probably not thinking too clearly right now, but I would have thought the whole Wisdom/Intelligence buff he has in his enhanced form would have caught that. Or DID he catch it and is just playing along? The bits about him not catching the eye twitch or piece of paper make me think not...
Though, yeah, I am VEEEERY curious as to how things will go once he gets to the capital. I mean, things between the tribes are already on thin ice, and now here he comes claiming that a corrupt Unicorn noble and her Pegasus guards just butchered an Earth Pony Family... So I'm curious to see if this event will throw off canon in some way, or if they'll just banish/imprison him for "obviously" being a villain.
Chapter three is in Beta testing, Release imminent.
Sorry about the false update, check back in three days
The Monk
I always find these stories interesting as they go more in depth than what they have on the show of the supremacist propaganda of the unicorns
unless it was a misprint at the end of the first chapter and he meant to yell "SHAZAMO!" i think you have 1 to many gods
So... Dude could have "ubercharged" himself this whole time? But instead he decided to watch his entire family and life burn down, and only then take action upon it?
I have no words for this.
I could see maybe if this scene was him getting the special powers by getting critically hurt in some sort of magical phenomenon or something. However, judging by the fact he knew he could just "shazam" into a near god-like form, he obviously could have activated his special powers at any time. So why the hell didn't he? This introduction makes no sense at all.
hmmm these first few chapters pacing is wayyyyy to fast.
We learn of his family just for all of them to die in the same chapter?
Why even tell us of his family if you kill them a few thousand words later? Could you atleast let us have a few chapters so we could learn about them and actually feel some sadness for their death.
10978298
D1 wisdom check rolls are a serious problem dude
I was enjoying this story's concept till you pulled the worst hack kneed writer trope for a tragic backstory there is in any form of writing. Ya done some fridging here. Look that term up and maybe look up some trope talk videos on YouTube. Fridging is one of the BIG nonos of writing as it doesn't make the audience care it does the opposite. Making them ask what was the point?
I could only get to the end of chapter 1 and the moment it was revealed he had the powers of a version of Shazam and didn't USE THEM AT ALL to attempt to save his family. It just screams fridging. There's not a single reason he shouldn't have used it I don't care who he was or who he was living as.
If there's one thing I know about humans it's that we don't sit passively and let people TAKE FROM US... Especially after the first wife was stabbed.
It's just too unbelievable for him to not try. Especially if he knows what powers he has because he ASKED FOR THEM.
11252256
I don't believe you actually read it, I think you skimmed it or you would've seen he tried to use his powers but couldn't as he was choking and wheezing from strikes before he could even utter the word to transform. Also as it currently stands with the chapters that are written this story is a revenge story which sort of invalidates your complaint about the tragic backstory as it's a basic part of it. In the overall view of things the entire revenge arc (once completed) could be considered his background and while that's closer to what you're talking about it's actually a rather stable and established method for defining or exemplifying a character by what they do along the way of getting their vengeance, how they accomplish it, how they react to completing it, and how they change or adjust from all of it.