Only
“Please kill me.”
The stallion had certainly seen better days. He was on a stone pedestal, chained in a sitting position. His ribs stuck out like Celestia at a goat assembly. He was missing a few teeth, and what remained of his coat certainly wasn’t green anymore.
Mephistroteles levitated a bloodied tooth and added it to his scale replica of Canterlot made entirely of…well, pony. His coat was black, his wings membranous, and his mane was on fire.
Literally.
“Look, I’ve told you before. To put it simply: in Equestria, life so utterly wonderful that you have to make up for it here.”
“Please…can’t you just end it?”
The Prince of Darkness sighed and turned to the captive. “I tried to reason with him. I said: ‘Yahneigh, you can’t just stick all the good stuff in one life and counter it in the next.” His mane flared up as he spoke. “It’s just not nice. You see, according to the Laws of Harmony, in some numbered subsection, everything has to be balanced. Peace by war, feast by famine, life by death. Being the kind of no-grey-areas pony he is, Yahneigh just went and stuck all the good stuff in one, and all the bad in the other.” The fire died down. “Oh, I’ll need some more blood to stick on this roof tile.”
“Why…why is good…first?”
Mephistroteles looked up from the stone slab where he stored all his implements. “Mm? Oh, yeah. Pretty silly really. I mean, why didn’t he at least set it up so all the negative stuff happened first?” He smiled. “I’ve enjoyed this. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good conversation. Shrieks of pain get old fast.” He levitated a rusty scalpel and trotted to the stallion, who…
…made a chiming sound.
The scalpel clattered to the floor. “What the home was that?” His horns glowed with a fiery aura and he placed the blade on the table. “Oh, the doorbell. Funny, I don’t often get visitors...” He smiled warmly at the stallion. “Don’t go away, now.”
The wretched pony moaned.
Humming a tune to himself, Mephis magicked open the spiked iron behemoth he called a door. Outside, amid a garden of glowing coals and equine corpses, stood four stallions, one of which resembled a corpse himself. “Oh, good. I thought he’d sent another one of those here-damned mangels. They are just another level of conceit. The next one he sends can help me with my diorama.”
The sickly-pale stallion stared, his black, featureless eyes like a void.
Mephistroteles stared back.
The heavily muscled one with a deep red coat and matching eyes flattened his ears. “We have a proposition for you!”
Another, the one with the pearly white coat and mane and eyes of gold spoke up. “Honestly, War, I told you can’t just go around yelling at everypony. Let me handle this. Mr Mistroteles, we have some misgivings to discuss with you.”
The black one with the deadpan expression glanced up from the ground, shooting the white horse a look. “It’s Mephistroteles you foal.”
Mephis looked away from the fourth brother. “Come in!” He held the door open and the Apocalypse Brothers trotted in. “Hey, Stanley! We have guests!”
A sob was heard from the other room.
War stomped a hoof. “Our discourse is to remain private!”
The Pallid Horse disappeared through the archway.
The sobbing stopped.
Mephis’ face fell. “We were getting along so well...” He paused for a moment, then brightened. “So how’s the pony upstairs?”
The brothers exchanged glances.
Conquest spoke up. “Yahneigh has decided to extend his vacation.”
Mephis sighed. “Typical head honcho. Lazy brick…actually, now that I think of it, what are you supposed to be?”
“Excuse me?
“In the whole Four Horses of the Apocalypse thing. I mean, you’ve got War, Famine, Death…” he pointed to the brothers in turn. “…and then you. Conquest? Really? I mean, that doesn’t sound very apocalyptic. You’re just too pretty to be a harbinger of the End Times. I mean, Conquest is a good thing from at least one perspective! I just don’t think you’ll affect as
wide a target audience as your brother Famine here. Everyone needs food, right?”
Conquest flattened his ears. “Hey, at least I’m mixing things up a bit! I mean, look at you!” He gestured to Mephis’ cutiemark, a red, inverted pentagram. “You’re a walking stereotype!”
Mephis glanced about the room, grinning self-consciously. “Eheh…let’s just focus on Yahneigh. I mean, he makes all this great stuff, dumps all the traumatic jobs on us and spends the rest of his days on vacation!”
War snorted agreement. “We cannot stand for this neglect any longer! Today, we march on Equestria!”
Conquest nodded. “I agree wholeheartedly! Why should we hang out in this horrible–”
“Hey! I put a lot of effort into my garden!”
“–I mean, this lesser world full of nasty things, while all the other creations get to hang out in Equestria! Yahneigh is gone, and when the cat’s away..."
“Neighbouring nations sack his land and kill his kittens!”
Famine scraped a hoof on the stone floor. “All the other ponies are living it up in the good place. Why shouldn’t we?”
Death flicked an ear. He was staring straight ahead.
Mephis sighed. “I don’t know, guys. I mean, I hate to be the mature one here, but unleashing our attempts at transforming Equestria according to my vision of perfection where the two worlds and two lives are one…” he inhaled conspicuously. “…is going a little bit far, don’t you think? I mean, maybe we should give him another chance…”
War looked Mephis straight in the eye. “There is another matter of which you should be informed!”
Conquest looked at his hooves. “Oh…yes. Um…you know how Yahneigh sent that mangel to tell you the birthday card he sent you got lost in the mail?”
Mephis was instantly subdued. “Yes…”
Famine blew his mane out of his eyes. “He never sent a card in the first place.”
The Prince of Darkness exploded into a screeching ball of fire and shadows.
╬
“I have to say, as far as giant immortal three-headed dogs go, Cerberus is quite the specimen!” Mephistroteles said as the company reached the Bloody Gates.
Said specimen was at the moment reduced to a quivering pile of fur in his kennel.
“He looks like he stared Death in the face…oh, wait!” Conquest looked at the others expectantly, his mouth a pleading smile. “Really? Nothing? Some ponies have no sense of humour...”
“You’d think I wouldn’t need a guard dog, but every now and then I do get somepony sniffing about. Well, stand back. I’ll have to do my gate opening thing.”
Mephistroteles stood very still for a second, before rearing up onto his hind legs and kicking a hoof toward the great twisted gate, rising into the air. His mane flared up into a raging inferno and his eyes glowed with the flames as he drew his hoof slowly back towards his chest. The gates groaned and wailed as they were pulled open, admitting a soft, pastel-hued light into the Next World.
The fire died down and Mephis dropped back to his hooves, folding his wings. “Gentlecolts, we have arrived. The land where nothing bad ever happens: Equestria!”
Conquest grinned, a greedy set to his eyes and his mane flowing.
War held his head high, determination writ in his features.
Famine’s eyes widened slightly, the faintest hint of hope appearing in their depths.
Death blinked.
“Hey, are you guys just going to stand there all year? Hurry up and cross the threshold, I have to shut the gates or my souls will escape.”
The brothers White, Red, Black and Pallid trotted through the Bloody Gates.
The Dark Lord trotted back to the Gates, grabbing a magical hold on a length of heavy chain that spanned the gap between them, and unceremoniously pulled them closed.
“Wait, what?” Conquest looked at Mephis incredulously. “Really? That’s it?”
Mephis turned from the flame he had suspended in the center of the gateway. “What?”
“You do that whole magical rise-into-the-air-fire-storm-ritual thing to open the gates, then just pull them shut with a bit of chain?”
“I guess so. Why? What did you expect?”
“I don’t know, something more impressive.” He snorted, tossing his head.
Mephistroteles grew half again his size and flared his mane into a monstrous corona, his eyes suddenly inches away from the White Horse’s nose. “What would you have me do, noble Conquesssst?”
Conquest’s ears drooped and he retreated behing his bulky brother.
“Any more quesssstionssss?” The Prince of Darkness returned to his regular self. “No? Oh, right, I didn’t tell you my plan yet.” Adopting a cheerful expression, he gestured to the conveniently located railroad not too far to their left. “Follow this aways and you should reach a settlement of some description. Probably someplace with lots of interesting characters and a patisserie. Try not to draw too much attention to yourselves until I come for you. I’ll be heading in the same direction, only by…wing? Air?” His eyes drifted toward his nose. “I’ll be flying. I’m off to Canterlot, I have some…negotiation to do. I might as well procure some sketches while I’m there, to help with my diorama. Well, bye!” He launched himself into the air and flew off.
Conquest’s confidence received a marked boost as Mephis' wingbeats reduced him to a small, undulating black speck. “Well, brothers? Let’s be off!”
“To victory!” War trotted toward the tracks.
“Sure. Why not?” Famine followed, Death expressionless behind him.
╬
Twilight Sparkle woke early, which was suprising considering her late night studying…again.
“Spike! Can you get up please? We have a tonne of stuff to get through today!”
The dragon groaned and rolled over under his blanket. “Do you need me now? ”
Twilight sighed, then smiled. “First up is Carousel Boutique…”
“I’m up!” Spike was out of his basket like a bat out of Tartarus.
The trot to the Boutique was uneventful.
Thankfully, Rarity’s doorway neatly framed a new source of literary entertainment in the form of a majestic white stallion, with a flowing mane and eyes like molten gold.
Twilight came nose to nose with said stallion after he opened the door she had been approaching. “Uhhh…”
The White Horse was yanked back by the tail and shoved behind Rarity as she trotted up to Twilight, looking flustered. “Twilight! Spike! Fancy seeing you here this early.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “It’s almost noon.” She craned her neck, peering past Rarity’s bedhead of a mane. “Who was–”
“Nopony! Nopony at all.” She sang shakily.
Spike stepped forward, eyes narrowed. “I dunno, he looked like a shifty one. Is he holding you hostage?”
Rarity turned cherry red. “Oh, my stars, no! He’s…my cousin.”
Twilight tilted her head, but said nothing.
Rarity's smile looked a little forced. “Come in, come in!”
The stallion stepped forward, flicking an ear at Rarity. “My name is Conquest. I hope yours is as beautiful as you.” He was wearing a sly smile.
“Um…I’m Twilight Sparkle. This is Spike. Have you been in Ponyville long?”
Spike was doing some sullen muttering.
“That’s what this town is called? Straight to the point, I guess. I arrived here last night with my brothers. I was sadly lacking a place to stay, and Rarity here graciously offered me a bed.”
“I bet she did. Are you by any chance related to Prince Blueblood? The chromatic resemblance is striking…”
“Who?” Conquest looked genuinely confused.
“Where exactly did you come from?”
Conquest raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”
Twilight decided that this pony was a few pages short of a book. “That is why I asked.”
“Well, a long time ago, there was a pony who decided to create something wondrous, so…”
“No! Not that! Where do you live?”
Rarity seemed to remember something and excused herself.
“Oh. Yeah. I live in Tartarus.”
Twilight barked a laugh. “Ok, I admit it, you are pretty funny.”
Spike glared at the floor. “Whorse…” He received a violent nudge with a lavender hoof.
“I wasn’t joking. I live in Tartarus. It’s a little run down, but it’s home. Has a wonderful garden, too…”
“Wait…Tartarus?
…brothers?
…Conquest?”
Twilight’s eyes widened in a way that just begged for a zoom to close-up as her brain made the connections (one of which she filed away to bring up with Rarity some other time).
“Oh. My. Harmony.”
╬
A flickering shadow fell over Donut Joe. His entire shop could have fit into his eyes.
A pony the size of Celestia herself walked in and sat at the bar. All the other patrons backed away, their eyes fixed on the newcomer.
Mephistroteles put his hooves on the bar and put his face inches from Joe’s, eyes consumed by fire as everything around him went dark. “I’ll have a bloody mare, ssssstirred, not sssshaken.”
The stallion sat back on his chair, the whites of his eyes returning as he chuckled. “Joking, joking. Wow, you should have seen the look on your face. But seriously, I’d like a donut. I haven’t eaten in centuries.”
╬
“Thank’e, ma’m. Ya support is much appreciated.”
Applejack watched the mare trot on down the street with a smile, having just sold her last three apples for the day. She
removed her heavily laden apron and tossed it into one of the apple barrels. She was about to pull down the sign when some movement caught her eye.
Her eyes nearly rolled out of her head when thay caught sight of the Red Horse.
Out of an alley moved a stallion that looked to be composed entirely of muscle. He had his belly the the ground, crawling commando-style across the street and into another alley. His eyes were like stones, just as hard, just as grey.
When she had rediscovered her lower jaw, Applejack straightened her stetson and trotted to the alley into which the stranger had disappeared.
He was nowhere to be seen.
Narrowing her eyes, she proceeded into the alleyway, craning her neck and conducting a visual sweep of her surroundings.
She was about to turn around when she was pulled into an alcove, restrained by strong hooves. “WHAT IN TARNATION?!”
The stone eyes were inches from her own. The stallion wasn’t amused.
In fact, his face looked so comfortable in a ‘frown’ configuration that she doubted it spent much time doing anything else.
“Quiet! You’ll blow my cover!”
Applejack glared, but kept her next statement to a harsh whisper. “Y’all ‘ll blow ya OWN cover goin’ ‘round snatchin’ ponies off a’ the street!” Her back was against a wall, so there was no hope of her bucking her way out of this.
She would have to negotiate.
The stallion looked pensive for a second. Well, he was still frowning, but he was frowning in a thoughtful way. “You make a good point…” He looked her up and down. “You are a civilian.” The stallion’s hold loosened slightly.
“Uh…yeah. What makes ya say that?” She just had to distract him long enough to free herself, then she’d kick him into tomorrow and gallop away.
“An observation, mare’m!”
“So…” A little more… “What in the name of Celestia were you doin’ sneakin’ ‘round town like a wanted pony?”
“I was searching for a place to spend the night!”
“Then why the sneakin’ and suspicious behaviour? Y’all looked to me ta be creepin’ on down the street like some sorta’ predator!”
The pensive frown became a doubtful frown. “My commander instructed me to remain inconspicuous. He requires me later in his mission.”
Applejack’s expression turned skeptical.“Ya commander?”
“Affirmative, mare’m.”
“So what did ya say ya name was again?”
“War.”
She gave him a sympathetic look. Her good nature overtaking her suspicion. This poor foal needed help, she was hardly going to knock him into even deeper mental disarray. “Ah think ah know where y’all can stay the night, but first ya have ta let me loose.”
He frowned. “I’m afraid I cannot do that, Mare’m. You know too much.”
This wasn’t good. “Then what do y’all plan ta do? Hold me against this here wall 'til the cows come home?”
War looked unsure. “…affirmative?”
“If ya wanna keep me prisoner, ah know a place that’s perfect!” She did know a place. She never said she’d take him there. “But that would still leave ya’ lookin’ for a hideout. So how ‘bout ah first take ya somewhere y’all can stay until ya…don’t need to anymore. Whad’ya think?”
He narrowed his eyes, looking up at the sun.
Applejack sighed. “Ah promise ah won’t run away.”
War blinked, then released his grip. “Lead the way, mare’m!”
“Sure. Ah’ll git right on that.”
Applejack trotted in the direction of the hospital, the Red Horse following close behind.
╬
Mephistroteles trotted merrily up to the doors of Canterlot Castle, humming a tune to himself. The guards standing either side of the door, to their credit, didn’t react except to step into his path.
The Prince of Darkness raised an eyebrow, still cheerful, glancing at each of the guards in turn. “Oh, are you closed for cleaning?”
The guards glanced at each other. The one on the left cleared his throat. “No. I’m afraid you can’t enter here.”
“Well, that’s a shame! Is the door out of order?” Mephis peered past them. “Looks alright to me.”
“Er…no, I’m afraid you misunderstand. YOU can’t enter here.”
“Why not? I’ve come to request an audience with Princess Celestia. It’s very important…to me.”
The guard on the right stepped forward. “Sir, we ask that you leave.”
Mephis’ ears drooped, his mane and tail flames dying down. “Well, this is just awful! I come all this way just to be turned away at the door?”
The guard on the left, a relatively new addition to the ranks, was losing patience. “Look, mister, we don’t know who you are or what point you’re trying to make, but you’re not seeing the Princess until you drop the illusion spell.”
The Prince of Darkness was silent. His eye twitched, and he lowered his head until his eyes were level with those of the impatient guard. “Illusion?”
A second passed. A bead of sweat trickled down the guard’s face, and his stoic expression crumbled into a quivering mask of uncertainty.
Mephis’ flame-coloured irises expanded to fill his eyes, and his horns glowed with a vermillion aura.
The guard became engulfed in a fiery corona, his own eyes consumed by their whites.
A ghostly wisp snaked out of the poor unicorn’s gaping mouth and spiralled around Mephistroteles, before snaking into the gem in his collar. The gem seemed to shine with satisfaction.
The Prince released his arcane hold on the guard, who crumpled to the ground and lay in an armoured heap, his eyes entirely white.
The remaining guard quailed as Mephis turned to him.
The Prince of Darkness smiled warmly. “I’d like an audience with the Princess.”
“R-right this way, sir! The waiting room is down the corridor to the right.”
“Thank-you!” He trotted across the threshold of Canterlot Castle, humming again. “I think I’ll call him Ivan…”
The remaining guard knelt by his fallen companion, transfixed by the small trickle of blood that ran from the corner of his mouth.
╬
Rainbow Dash had been waiting all day for a bite of Pinkie’s experimental chocolate and daisy cupcakes.
Naturally she was pretty shocked when the moist, chocolate-frosted delight crumbled to dust in her hooves. “Ok, very funny Pinkie…” Her mouth nearly fell off of her face when she beheld the rest of the culinary carnage.
There was nothing edible left in Sugarcube Corner. On the counter and on the shelves, in pink cake boxes and in patty pans, there were only little piles of dust.
“Ok, this is beyond weird…”
An unmistakeable scream was heard from the kitchen.
Pinkie Pie staggered out, her eyes glazed. “It’s TERRIBLE! All the sugar…all the chocolate chips…EVERYTHING!” She fainted, a hoof thrown up to her face with dramatic flair.
Rainbow rushed to catch the fallen earth pony before she hit the ground and knocked another few screws loose, but ended up on the ground herself, the pink pony’s weight pressing down on her. “Oof! Pinkie!” She glanced up through the curly pink mane to find herself looking into a pair of bright blue eyes.
Famine raised a brow, adressing the scene. “I...see.”
Rainbow got to her hooves, shoving Pinkie away and shaking her mane. "It’s not what it looks like.”
Pinkie Pie bounced to her feet, a smile illuminating her features. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie and you must be new! Wow, you’re dark! What’s your name? Mr. Black? Bruiser?”
Famine’s mane fell back to its usual state, draped over his left eye. “Famine.”
Rainbow was suddenly all in his face, her own contorted with fury. “Is that some sort of joke? Who the hoof do you think you are?!”
“Silly Rainbow! He thinks he’s Famine!” Pinkie was bouncing.
He glanced dispassionately at Rainbow’s wings, which were flared angrily. “What’s got your plot in a knot, bluebird?”
“That’s Rainbow Dash to you!”
The corners of Famine’s mouth twitched. “What a name…I like bluebird better.”
A staredown ensued, Rainbow still wearing a mask of rage, Famine maintaining his minute, irritating smile.
“Guys? Guys? Hey!”
Pinkie Pie was fixed with a glare and a blank gaze.
“We still haven’t found out why Sugarcube Corner turned into Dusty-pile Corner.”
Rainbow shot a look at Famine. “Yeah. I wonder. Spill the hay, Famine. What did you do to the food?”
“I came within a certain distance, I guess…I wish I could help it, it does make me a bit of a drag at parties. Oh well, we all have our flaws. You, for instance, are a bit of a hothead.”
“So what you’re telling me that everywhere you go the food turns to dust, and your name is Famine.” She glared at him. “Like that’s even possible. How stupid do you think I am? I mean, I don’t see a horn, so you probably have a unicorn accomplice around here somewhere.” She glanced around, wielding her glare like a searchlight.
Pinkie Pie gave Famine a sideways look. Literally. “I dunno, Dashie…he doesn’t look like he’s joking around. I mean, he’s not even smiling! Not properly anyway. His face looks like a stranger to smiles. I could introduce them!”
Famine was giving Pinkie the look that nearly everypony does. “You seem to have fallen out of a tree as a foal. On your head. Kind of reminds me of a guy I know…”
Rainbow once again pressed an angry face to his. “Hey! You still haven’t explained yourself!”
Famine sighed. “Fine. You asked, so I’ll tell you.” He looked straight into her eyes.
“I’m the Black Horse of the Apocalypse.”
A moment passed.
Then another.
Rainbow Dash collapsed with laughter, thrashing on the floor as if possessed. “Too…rich!”
Famine watched her, his expression sagging.
Pinkie Pie cocked her head at the incapacitated pegasus. “What’s so funny?”
╬
Ink Splat had been working as a receptionist in Princess Celestia’s waiting room for twenty years, and not once had she seen a pony as tall as Her Royal Highness.
But right now, standing in front of her, was the strangest and most terrifying thing she had ever laid eyes on. It was like all of Tartarus had imploded, mated with darkness itself, then laid an egg that it set on fire then hatched into this horrific creature that looked so like a pony. Which it also set alight. Then dropped it on its head a few times for good measure.
Ink Splat lived up to her name all over the form she was filling out when their eyes met.
It smiled, revealing pointed teeth. It looked ridiculously cheerful for such a twisted menace of an equine.
“An audience with the Princess, if you please.”
Ink levitated the necessary parchment, her eyes never leaving Mephistroteles as the form landed before him. She shivered.
“Thanks” He picked it up in his own magic. It looked as if the page had burst into flames.
He went and sat next to a pegasus, Feather Dust, who didn’t look quite as stern as he had before the Prince entered the waiting room.
Mephis filled out the form, the scratching of his quill on the parchment the only sound in the room. When he reached the section on his reason for his appointment, he frowned for a moment, then ticked every box, including ‘other’. He specified his desire to retire and become an ice sculptor, before signing the form and sitting on it.
Mephis turned to the stallion beside him. “Hi there!”
Feather Dust shrank in his seat.
Mephis was unpertubed, smiling widely. “What’s your occupation?”
Feather gulped.
“I work in education, myself. I take quite a practical approach to the subjects I teach. Pain, emotional turmoil, ancient history, fact-ology…well, I did! I’m applying for the job of Prince of Equestria. I can’t say I’m confident, but there’s always a chance, right?”
Feather Dust fainted.
Mephis looked on with wide eyes and an admiring smile. “Well, he was a quiet fellow! I suppose he was up late last night.
What a dedicated citizen!”
A guard entered through a gilded door that led to Celestia’s chamber. “Next!”
Mephis looked around.
Nopony dared draw attention to themselves.
The Prince of Darkness beamed at them all. “Everypony here is so very polite! I’ll be sure to award you all medals of honour for General Niceness! Oh, and cake!”
He trotted happily through the gilded doors.
“I’ve never eaten a cake…”
╬
The Pallid Horse was a simple soul.
Well, being a ponified concept he didn’t technically have a soul, but he enjoyed simple pleasures.
Letting his black eyes absorb the blue of the sky, feeling the breeze caress his atrophied facial muscles, feeling the grass beneath his hooves…
Unfortunately the grass wilted beneath his hooves, so he had to keep walking to new grass, which also wilted, and so on. It was a vicious cycle.
He was by far the most enigmatic of the Four Horses, especially considering he hadn’t spoken a word in hundreds of years.
Conquest called him the quiet one.
Reaching a stone bridge, he tilted his head ever so slightly to look at the water.
An emaciated face stared back, mottled greenish skin long since lost its colour, moth-eaten tufts of what remained of his creamy mane. His eyes – by far his most disturbing feature – like two black pits, one could almost fall into them and be swallowed up, never to resurface…
He kept walking. He could feel the life fleeing from the tussocks that made contact with his hooves, so he was careful not to stay in one place too long.
The brown trail lengthened. He returned to the road as he moved further out of town, buildings replaced with grasses, trees…
Death liked trees. He could stay near them for hours before he had to leave.
Wandering ever further from the town, he wondered.
Not in words, though. Death didn’t think in words. He hadn’t thought in words for centuries.
He thought of his alabaster brother, with a mane and tail like golden thread, and a face that mares – and sometimes stallions – would whinny for.
He thought of his brother the colour of blood, with his eyes as cold and hard as stones, his muscled form strong and resilient, but hidden in his chest a weakness for gardening and fine cuisine.
He thought of his brother who was blacker than the night sky, but his eyes as blue as the day. The dark, deadpan face that masked a quick and active mind, caught in melancholy musings much of the time.
A bird flew above the Pallid Horse’s head. He watched it in his peripheral vision as it wheeled around and away.
Always, the life was going away.
He stopped.
Carried by the lilting air, was a sound. A lovelier sound he had never heard. His ears, ever so slowly, like flowers opening to the dawn, lifted.
His legs creaking into motion, he walked toward the source. Stepping around a tree, he was stopped in his tracks.
Before him was the embodiment of beauty herself, the sound dancing from her lips so sweet he could almost taste it in the air.
Death’s eyes almost imperceptibly widened, and he blinked.
Her coat was the soft yellow of a winter sunset, culminating behind her shoulders into two graceful wings, neatly plumed with feathers of the same hue that looked soft enough to swaddle an ailing butterfly. Her mane was the pale pink of blossoms in spring, cascading down either side of her face like a waterfall frozen in time, tapering to delicate curls that flicked and danced with the motion of the entire mare, the bobbing flight as she sang along with the birds who flew alongside her, a twirling and gliding, utterly perfect ponification of life and loveliness.
For the first time in centuries, the shrivelled muscle in the Pallid Horse’s small chest contracted…then relaxed.
Just once.
╬
Princess Celestia of Equestria was reviewing plans for Prince Blueblood’s birthday celebration when her doors flew open, swinging on their hinges as Prince Mephistroteles of Tartarus walked in.
Her eyes widened.
He looked at her quizically for a second, then glanced at the doors, which were banging against the pillars to either side. “Oh, sorry!” They caught fire, then closed gently and regained their not-ablaze regularity.
She stood at her full height, glaring at him. “What are you doing here?”
“Hmm?” His brow wrinkled as if somepony had pulled a thread. “I came for an audience with you.” In an instant, rare clarity bloomed within his eyes, and Mephistroteles had a clear goal. His mane and tail flared up, and his eyes glowed as He assumed the Royal Tartarian Manner of Addressing Fellow Royalty and Subjects Alike. “We have mattersss to dissscussss, you and I. Yahneigh has lefft thisss nation in your care, and it hass fallen into grave imbalancccce.”
Celestia pointed her horn straight up, so that her nose was higher than his, years of Royal Decorum maintaining her composure. “And what imbalance would that be?”
╬
Twilight Sparkle was pacing.
In fact, she was pacing so frantically that Rarity feared for her carpet.
Conquest was answering Twilight’s question in a manner which suggested that the Four Horses of the Apocalypse dropped by for tea and biscuits every Tuesday.
“…then we decided to split up, which we thought would keep ponies from making connections, you know? I had a little flash of brilliance, though. I thought to myself: ‘Hay, we’re trying to go incognito here, right? Well who is the most obviously abnormal of us?’”
He paused, glancing at Twilight, Rarity and Spike in turn, waiting for them to give the obvious answer along with a barrage of admiring nods.
They stared at him, uncomprehending.
He rolled his gloriously golden eyes. “Death.”
A trio of raised eyebrows.
Conquest snorted derisively. “You’ll find out. So, I had a brilliant plan to get him a cloak to wear, which is why I came to this lovely boutique…and met its lovely owner.”
Rarity blushed.
Spike glared.
Twilight stomped a hoof. “Get to the point! What are the Four Horses of the Apocalypse doing in Ponyville?”
Rarity nearly fell flat on her perfectly fixed face. “The what?”
Spike’s eyes were like dinner plates. He blubbered and ran from the room. “This is the end! This is the end of Equestriaaaaa!!”
Conquest lowered one ear. “Why would we want to end Equestria?”
Rarity was breathing into a conveniently present paper bag.
Twilight gave the stallion a withering look.
He looked sheepish. “Oh, right. But hay! Just because we were created to do something doesn’t mean we want to do it! I mean, Equestria is the nice place! If we had to choose, we’d destroy Tartarus.” He glanced around nervously. “B-but first we’d make sure Mephis was ok with it.”
Rarity, having recovered, stepped forward, a pleading look on her beautiful face. “Twilight, dear, I really think we should try to find these other three and see whether this isn’t a practical joke that’s being played out. I just don’t believe that this...”
She looked Conquest up and down, her face colouring. “…ah…fine stallion proves anything.”
The stallion in question tossed his mane, slightly annoyed.
Twilight stood, determination written on her face. “We need to prove this theory, round up the Horses and take them to
Canterlot! If anyone knows what to do with them, it’s Princess Celestia!”
Conquest’s face lit up. “Oh, that’s where Mephis went! Perfect!” This mare would lead them straight to him...
The White Horse had another brilliant plan.
Twilight glanced at him. “That’s strange…oh well, I guess that’s one down.”
Rarity’s eyes gained a determined set and she joined Twilight at the door of Carousel Boutique.
Twilight smiled, her mission clear. “Let’s go track down some stallions.”
A checklist formed in her mind.
╬
The shadows flickered and danced across the walls as if invoking some sacred and secret ritual. The room was bathed in an orange tone.
“Poniesss everywhere are oblivioussss. They are ssssheltered and unaware, pressserved in a bubble of zealoussss and misguided affection.”
Celestia was dumbfounded, not that you could tell from her face. “But why is that a bad thing? I have protected my little ponies from all the ills of the world. They have nothing in life to fear! What could possibly be wrong with that?”
Mephis’ eyes glowed brighter as they widened, his small three-pointed crown casting a menacing shadow on the ornate doors behind him. “Right you are, Celesssstia. In thisss life, they have naught to complain about.” The flames intensified, and his eyes flashed with rage. “But did you for a sssecond conssider the next life? How do you think it feelssss, Celessstia, to have to catch them up on all they misssssed?”
Celestia said nothing for what seemed like an eon, her face a mask of horror as she digested what he had said.
Then, a single word passed through her pristine royal lips.
A single utterance of horrified disbelief.
“What?”
All at once, the Prince of Darkness understood.
╬
Check.
Twilight had tracked the Red Horse to the hospital after a conversation by Applejack’s abandoned apple cart and some clever detective work.
Now she just had to convince the doctor of the mental ward to release him.
“I’m sorry miss, but this stallion is under a very serious delusion. I simply cannot release him until we get to the root of this psychological trauma. He attacked a mare on the street! He is a dangerous individual that just can’t be let out!”
Twilight sighed, exasperated.
Rarity pulled her aside. “Let me handle this, dear.”
A few well-placed words and some batting of glorious eyelashes later and Twilight, Rarity and Applejack were stepping proudly out of the hospital, Conquest and War in tow, all on their way to Sugarcube Corner to get Pinkie Pie. After that it was on to Fluttershy, and trying to locate Rainbow Dash’s latest afternoon nap spot.
Together, they’d find the remaining Horse in no time at all, especially with Rainbow conducting an air search.
The Red Horse’s frown became a little shallower. “Brother! I see these mares are on our side! I am quite sorry to say that under false pretences I took one of them as my prisoner!”
Applejack dropped back and trotted between them. “Look’e here now, mister War. Ah told ya that’s all cleared up now. Ah’m sure after we get y’all to Canterlot the Princess’ll know just what t’do!” She cantered to catch up to Twilight and Rarity.
Conquest eyed her hindquarters, then turned to War. “You say you took one of them as your prisoner? Well, in my valiant quest for a cloak, I took one of them as my–”
A scream echoed through the streets of Ponyville.
It sounded like Fluttershy.
╬
Mephistroteles had grown to half again his height, his wings flared out and their tips brushing the ornate ceiling of Celestia’s courtroom. “HOW CANST THOU NOT KNOW? THOU ART THE CUSTODIAN OF THIS FAIR LAND, CREATED BY YAHNEIGH HIMSELF!”
Celestia sat down on a cushion. She was locked in endless circles of mental dismay, questions upon questions swam restlessly through her mind. How could she not have known? What if she had?
What else wasn’t she aware of?
“You mean…all this time, there has been…a second life? One filled with horror?”
Mephis shrank down to his regular height, his mane dying down and his eyes returning to normal, madness and all. “Well, this is unexpected.”
Celestia thought for a moment. As she was thinking, a small wisp of green smoke snaked into the open window.
Mephistroteles looked on, transfixed, as the smoked coalesced into a small pale green point of light, and flashed to reveal a scroll.
Taking the scroll in her yellow aura, the Princess unrolled it. It was in Spike’s hoof. Well…claw.
My dearest Teacher,
This is going to sound crazy, but the Four Horses of the Apocalyse are in Ponyville. I have found the First, and he says they will all come willingly to Canterlot to request and audience with you. I will be on the next train out of here, along with my friends and the Horses. Apparently they aren’t going to actually cause the apocalypse at the moment, which is a relief, but that doesn’t diminish the severity of the situation: there are creatures of Tartarus in Equestria.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle.
╬
Wrapped around one of the highest branches in a tree near her cottage was Fluttershy.
Standing below her, staring at the trunk, was the Pallid Horse.
“Oh…hi girls…”
The three mares were staring at the greenish form at the base of the tree..
Conquest and War exchanged a glance.
Rarity averted her gaze from the emaciated form standing motionless before her and looked up at the shaking pegasus. “Fluttershy, dear, it’s perfectly safe…I think.”
Twilight trotted around the tree and peered closely at the Pallid Horse. “Fascinating…what’s wrong with him? He looks…sick. Only worse.”
“What you see is Death, The Fourth of us. This is what becomes of a body once life and soul has fled!” War was still frowning, but as that was his natural expression nopony paid much heed.
Conquest approached Twilight. “He’s…not all there, I’m afraid. I can’t recall him speaking, but he’s…companionable, you know?”
Check.
“Now, HE looks like he could use some cookies! Only there’s no cookies left…”
Everypony’s eyes were drawn to a branch opposite Fluttershy. Standing on the bough was Pinkie Pie.
By now, Twilight had given up trying to make sense of the pink pony’s behaviour.
“Pinkie! Three of the Four Horses of the Apocalypse are in Ponyville! We’re taking them to Canterlot, locating the last one, and taking them to Princess Celestia! I had Spike send a letter, he’s back at the library digging up every book I have that may have information on them.”
Conquest turned to Twilight again. “Wait, what did you say?”
She rolled her eyes. “You know the plan! You were the first one we found!”
Conquest facehoofed. “No, you said there were only three of us here. What the home gave you that idea?”
Twilight looked at him condescendingly. “You mentioned one of you was in Canterlot.”
“I said Mephis was in Canterlot. He’s not a Horse! In fact, I’m not even sure he counts as a pony…”
Twilight froze. “Mephis?”
War cocked his head. “Our commander, Mephistroteles of Tartarus! He said he would have need of us in order to fulfill his plan!”
Conquest nodded. “Something about negotiating his takeover…”
Twilight’s world crashed. “The ruler of Tartarus is going after Celestia?”
Applejack stepped forward. “We gotta do somethin’!”
“Girls, it’s imperative that we catch the next train to Canterlot!”
Fluttershy flitted nervously to the ground, keeping Applejack between her and Death, who had turned to face her once again, his blank eyes boring into her mane.
Rarity winced at his eyes. “Oh, dear! We simply cannot take that…pony…on a train! Or out in public, for that matter. I don’t even think he’d pass for the norm on Nightmare Night!”
Pinkie Pie thrust a hoof into the trunk of the tree and withdrew a black, hooded cloak.
“I have cloaks stashed all over Ponyville.” She bounced to the ground, the cloak landing across her nose. “In case of cloak emergencies.”
Conquest and War were giving her that look.
Death was staring blankly at Fluttershy.
Twilight did her ‘For Equestria!’ pose. “To the station!”
Four mares galloped, another bounced. Conquest and War galloped, too.
Death walked, still staring.
Applejack was on Twilight’s right. “So what’ll we do about findin’ the last Horse? He’s gotta be somewhere in Ponyville.”
Rarity came up on her left. “Not to mention Rainbow Dash. We can’t leave without her!”
Pinkie bounced along beside the white unicorn. “Oh! Is his name Famine?”
Twilight glanced back to Conquest, who nodded. “That’s him. But where could he be?”
Bounce. “He was at Sugarcube Corner.” Bounce. “He made Dashie pretty annoyed.” Bounce. “She took him somewhere to interrogate him.” Bounce. “Said if she didn’t get the name of his accomplice out of him soon, she’d take him to the library and get you to sort him out…egghead style!”
An idea dawned on her, and she raised her voice. “Girls! Keep heading to the station! I have a stop to make.”
╬
Mephis sat on a cushion opposite Celestia. “So you really didn’t know…well, it’s a good thing I came here!”
The Princess shook her head as if that would clear it, regaining her composure. “What would you do, Mephistroteles? What would you do if Equestria were in your hooves?”
The dark creature smiled. “I’d make everything perfectly balanced…in one life. Of course, I still get their souls in the end, that’s how it’s always been. But I won’t have to make them suffer any longer. I won’t have to teach them personally, because they would already know from experience.” He looked her straight in the eye. “I would send the Four Horses to wreak War,
Famine and Death across Equestria.”
Celestia felt an instinctive surge of revulsion. “I don’t like it.”
Mephis’ eyes flashed and, for an instant, his smile was gone. “You don’t have to like it.”
He was hoping to avoid taking her soul. It would be risky, for one…this was an Alicorn, not a doorman.
Besides, he’d hoped to be able to develop his diplomatic skills beyond the old ‘Hey, let’s do it my way. No? Well, nom nom nom soulssssss’ method.
He dearly hoped the Princess wouldn’t force his hoof.
╬
“So where we headed, Bluebird?” The corner of the Black Horse’s mouth was curled up into a contemptuous smirk. This was the most entertainment he’d had in decades.
The irritated mare nearly stopped galloping to shoot him an eyeful of daggers. “I told you, it’s Rainbow Dash. And we’re going to the library. I have a friend who is going to get totally egghead on this whole situation.” She adopted her best air of superiority. “Now, what you need to get into your head is that I’m only getting her to do this because it’s the quickest to get the truth outta you.”
Famine raised an eyebrow. “Right. Oh, I thought I should tell you…I’m actually a tree. Or did you see through that ingenious ploy?”
Rainbow shot him another venomous glare, then concentrated on being twenty per cent cooler than him. “No, really. If I didn’t have better things to do, I’d get the truth outta you myself. I mean, sure it would take longer, but hey, I make up for it with pure, undiluted awesomeness.”
The black stallion could barely contain his laughter. What was wrong with him today?
Spike jumped nearly two hooves into the air when Rainbow Dash burst into the library, the door listing on its hinges.
“Rainbow Dash! You need to get to the station!” He caught sight of the stallion behind her. “Him too!”
Her eyes were flooded with puzzlement. “Where’s Twilight?”
“They’re all waiting for the next train to Canterlot. It’s an emergency! You have to catch up to them!”
Rainbow nodded, flicking her tail. “On it!” Halfway to the door, she stopped. “Wait…did you just say ‘him too’?”
Spike nodded so voraciously that it looked as if he’d shake himself to pieces.
Famine tossed his head, the electric-blue streak in his mane parting around his eye. “Yeah, he did. You deaf?” He turned to Spike, narrowly missing more optic knives. “So why should I care?”
The small dragon thought for a moment. “I have a message for you from Conquest. He says…the Prince of Darkness is at the end of the line.”
His eyes widened. Mephistroteles was utterly unpredictable.
Playtime was over.
The Black Horse galloped out the door, quickly overtaken by Rainbow. She took to the air, but he followed close behind.
A plume of steam was rising from behind the small building that was the station. Rainbow picked up the pace.
Famine decided that one day, he was going to make a Deal and get himself some wings.
She landed on the wooden deck of the platform as the train began pulling away. The Black Horse rounded the building, but had no time to check his speed and slammed straight into her.
Crashing to the planks in a pretzel of black and blue, the two had the breath knocked clean out of them.
“WHAT THE BUCK?” Rainbow began disentangling herself from her new nemisis.
Irritation overtook his amusement and made his tone almost a growl. “Well said, Bluebird.” He unceremoniously gave her back her left wing before comprehending the gravity of the situation. “Oh, manure.”
The train was gaining speed. He galloped in pursuit, and Rainbow leapt into the air. He only had until it reached the end of the platform.
The last passenger carriage slipped ahead of him. His only chance was a freight car.
Rainbow Dash flew alongside the train, but the passenger doors were all locked. She dropped back and found a freight car, it’s doors conveniently locked in the ‘open’ position. She dived the left hand door…
…just as Famine sprang through the right.
They slammed into each other and crashed straight to the ground, before the momentum of the train rolled the ball of legs and bruises to the back of the empty freight car.
Rainbow Dash snatched her limbs back from the Black Horse with all the bitterness she could muster without angering her new bruises. “Plotface…”
He glared, shaking his toussled mane back into some semblance of order. “Buckwit…”
╬
Fluttershy removed her nose from the train window and turned to Applejack. “Oh, I do hope Rainbow got onto the train. Do you think she was hurt?”
Applejack smiled reassuringly. “Not at all, sugar cube. It’d take a mighty foe to git Rainbow Dash down. Ma word, she’d prob’ly defeat all kinds o’ vicious creatures usin’ only her ego.”
The pegasus eyed the towers either side of the gate into Canterlot as it zoomed past. “But if she made it onto the train, wouldn’t she have found us?”
Rarity came and sat on Fluttershy’s other side. “I’m sure she just became mired at a dessert trolley.”
Pinkie Pie stuck her head in from the next carriage, wearing a mask of frosting. “Did somepony say dessert?”
Twilight was looking at the castle as it grew larger, filling the window and then disappearing behind the buildings of inner city Canterlot. “We’re almost here, girls. When we arrive, listen for rumours of a strange newcomer.”
On the opposite side of the carriage, Conquest was trying to hold a serious conversation with War.
“Does Death look almost…conscious? I mean, is it just me, or has he been staring at that…what was her name…Butterfly? Ok, staring at Butterfly…for the entire train ride?”
War aimed his frown at Death, then at ‘Butterfly’. “I see nothing out of order here. Our Brother is one who stares a lot!”
Conquest sighed. War certainly wasn’t the conversationalist. Famine was a better talker, once you got past his disturbing tendency to appear devoid of emotion. Famine was also the most observant. He’d be able to tell what was up with Death in two flickers of a flame.
The train screeched to a halt at the Canterlot Station.
In a freight car at the end, two ponies fell into a combined heap for the third time in a day.
Rainbow Dash scowled at everything and nothing as she found herself lying across Famine’s back. “Okay, this is getting ridicu-HEY!”
He stood up one leg at a time, tipping her off over his head. “I never thought I’d say this, Bluebird, but I find I’m in agreeance with you.” He trotted towards the open door of the car.
“Ok, three syllables. Rain. Bow. DASH. Get your manure-filled head around it!” She followed the Black Horse out of the car and onto the paved platform.
“Keep your tail on, Bluebird.” Famine allowed himself a tiny, triumphant smile. She made it too easy.
Shooting him a glare, Rainbow turned to see her salvation from this literal companion from Tartarus…her five best friends, all standing just a few carriages up…her face split into a smile, and she began galloping…
But caught herself. No. The fastest flyer in Equestria and the definition of awesome did not go galloping up to her friends smiling like a filly in a candy shop. She turned her face to maximum coolness and closed the distance between herself and her friends with a trot that just exuded radicalness.
“Listen, Bluebird…just so you know…you look bucking ridiculous.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight cantered up to her. “We were so worried! Did you bring Famine?”
The Black Horse stepped forward and looked blankly into her eyes. “I brought myself.”
Twilight turned to Conquest. “Everypony seems to talking about a monster that came to Canterlot last night. They’re saying it’s tall as the Princess, black as the night and madder than a march mare.”
Conquest and War exchanged yet another glance. “That’s Mephis.”
Rarity trotted up from a nearby group of haughty unicorns. “They say it headed for the castle earlier today!”
Twilight’s expression turned serious. “Then we have no time to lose. To the castle!”
Everypony began galloping up the street toward Canterlot castle. Well, almost everypony. Pinkie Pie bounced, and Death stuck with a walk.
Rainbow dropped back to Conquest’s pace, raising her voice in order to be heard over the eight other sets of beating hooves. “Hey! Conquest, right?”
He smiled conceitedly. “In the magnificently poised flesh!”
Rainbow inwardly facehoofed. It was Rarity in a stallion’s body, with ten times the confidence. “Uh…you seem to have left the thin guy behind!”
Conquest smiled, his molten gold eyes running over her multicoloured mane. “Oh, he’ll catch up! He has a trick up his plot!”
Rainbow Dash decided that she did not want to be in range of those gorgeous, lecherous eyes and dropped back behind him, level with Pinkie Pie. “Hey, Pinks!”
“Hey Dashie! Isn’t this fun? It’s like a moving party!”
“I guess it is…shame about the food, though.”
As the group moved through the town, haughty neighs of horror could be heard from behind as ponies sitting in restaurants, dining in outdoor cafés, and enjoying a barley sugar at a sweet stall were deprived of their edibles by Famine’s presence.
Rainbow narrowed her eyes at the very thought of him.
Oddly, there were no guards at the palace gates, though Twilight could swear she saw a spot of red on the steps…
They burst into the waiting room, the group expanding to almost fill the chamber, Twilight at the front, with Conquest just behind.
The unicorn behind the desk who was busy with her quill stood up to protest when a cracking sound was heard.
Everypony froze as, on Twilight’s right, a section of the floor cracked and crumbled, liquefying.
Up from the floor rose the Pallid Horse in his black hooded cloak, Death itself embodied for all to see, his black eyes like bottemless holes boring deep, so deep into his skull…
Ink Splat fainted. Everypony – excluding the Ponyvillians and the Four – galloped, screaming from the room.
A soundless moment passed.
Rainbow Dash’s voice broke the silence.
“Now that was AWESOME!”
Death blinked.
╬
Mephistroteles raked his vermillion eyes across the decorated walls, examining them as he examined the situation.
On the one hoof, his plan would go infinitely more smoothly if he didn’t kill Celestia.
On the other, her soul would make a pretty addition to his collection.
On another…she had a lovely physique. Soullessness was hardly becoming, even to Mephis…
But she was so grim! The discovery of a life of torture following this one appeared to have sucked the soul out of her anyway...Mephis couldn’t think why, it’s not like it was her fault.
It wasn’t even his fault. It was in his job description.
Celestia got to her hooves, the began pacing. “It can’t be right. There must be another way!”
Sounds came from the other side of the door.
Voices. Many voices.
The Prince of Darkness raised his ears.
The Princess of the Sun instinctively stopped looking distressed and went back to looking unflappably regal.
The voices were muffled, but Mephis could make out the familiar timbres of War and Conquest.
Wonderful!
Celestia’s eyes flicked to Mephis’ face-splitting smile and back to the gilded door.
Said door flew open and hit the pillars supporting it for the second time since she’d raised the sun.
In trotted, bounced and walked a strange assortment of ponies, of all sizes, colours, races and variations of the sixty-fourth chromosome.
…not as wonderful.
Twilight, stepped forward, cleared her throat and put on her Official Canterlot Business voice. “Princess Celestia! We present to you the Four Horses of the Apocalypse!”
Conquest sidled up to the tall, dark figure opposite the Princess. “So…what’s up?”
The six mares caught sight of Mephistroteles.
His grin was all teeth and split his face in a way that promised oodles of fun.
In the worst way possible.
Five pairs of ears drooped.
Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing. “Now, that’s a smile!”
Celestia cleared her throat. “My little ponies, I present to you Prince Mephistroteles of Tartarus.”
Fluttershy hid behind her mane.
The Four Horses moved to stand with Mephis, as Twilight and the other Elements went to surround Celestia.
Applejack adjusted her stetson. “Now don’t you fret, Princess. This varmint ain’t gonna harm one itty bitty hair in yer royal mane!”
This complicated things. But at least the Horses had made it to the party!
Conquest glanced ruefully at the veritable smorgasboard of mares. “Surely it won’t come to that!”
Rainbow Dash pawed the carpet and fixed Famine with a violent glare. “Dust-plot is mine.”
Pinkie Pie was ever-cheerful. “That’s okay Dashie!” Bounce. “You don’t have to claim him out loud!” Bounce. “He’s not my type!”
Rarity and Fluttershy looked at Rainbow quizzically as the double meaning reached her brain.
“What?! NO! I mean…” She let out a guttural growl.
The Famine winked at her. “Nice to hear I’m cared about.”
If looks could kill, the Black Horse would be dead, buried, jumped on, exhumed, burned, spat on, then fed to a pig…that was eaten by a dragon…who had a stomach condition that meant that everything he ate was regurgitated and eaten again.
Conquest raised an eyebrow at his black brother. Curiouser and curiouser…
Celestia held up a hoof. “There’s no need for violence, my little ponies.”
Rainbow muttered something, but was silenced by a look from Rarity.
Twilight took a step toward Mephistroteles. “I agree. We don’t even know what the situation is!”
Bounce. “I know what it’s not!” Bounce. “A birthday party!”
Three of the Four Horses winced simultaneously. Death’s ears drooped.
A hissing sound was coming from the Prince. Everypony’s eyes turned to him as his pupils expanded.
His left eye twitched.
His mane flared up.
Then, the Prince of Darkness collapsed to the floor, sobbing.
Celestia appeared to be in shock.
Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbow were no longer in possession of their mandibles.
Pinkie Pie was watching the distraught stallion, her smile gone. “Was it something I said?”
Conquest had a hoof on Mephis’ shoulder. “Uh…there, there…”
War looked uncertain. “Even the best of us...uh...”
Famine looked at Pinkie Pie through his fringe. “You hit a nerve there, Dianne.”
Twilight moved forward gingerly. “Uh…Mephistroteles? Why are you crying?”
He sniffed. Tears were running down his face. They glowed like embers in the evening gloom as they pooled between his forehooves. “Nopony ever threw me a party for my birthday. Not once. Not even milestones like my six hundred and sixty-sixth.”
Applejack and Twilight looked at one another.
Fluttershy gasped.
Rarity had a hoof to her lips in shock.
Celestia was thinking that maybe this stallion was a few rays short of a sunbeam…
“WHAT??” Pinkie Pie darted forward to stand over him. “That’s SO MEAN!”
Mephistroteles looked up through his luminous tears. His voice was barely a whisper. “I know…day in and day out, I did a job I hated. For decades, for centuries, I diligently worked away, never once complaining though I detested my work.”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes filled with tears, and she too began to cry. “That is so sa-a-aaad!”
Mephis wrung his hooves and looked up at the ceiling. “ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE A SCULPTOR!” Collapsing again, he lay his head on the ground. “And…to eat a cake.”
Pinkie Pie’s face lit up, her tears instantly evaporated. “Wait right there!”
She galloped out of the doors so quickly she was visible only as a pink streak.
Conquest looked at his Brothers. They never asked for their jobs, either.
Famine sighed and walked dejectedly the the farthest corner of the room, sitting on his haunches. He faced the window, his mane over his eyes.
Rainbow glanced at the dejected stallion before remembering how much she despised him.
A second pink streak coalesced into Pinkie Pie, holding in her hooves a cupcake with a single purple candle. It was chocolate, with lime green frosting. “Happy Birthday!!”
The molten amber flow of liquid from the Prince’s eyes ceased. He sniffed, drawing his hooves underneath him and stretching to take a bite of the baked wonder.
A forked tongue snaked out and lapped up some frosting. Rarity went green.
The Prince of Darkness shot up into the air, crashing into the ceiling and ruining the paint.
Falling and landing neatly on his hooves, he smiled so wide that his face looked all teeth. “I LOVE CAKE!”
Two rows of razor teeth clamped shut around the cake, a hair’s breadth away from Pinkie’s hoof.
She smiled. “Happy to help!”
The last few crumbs turned to dust on the carpet as Famine walked over to stand next to Conquest. “The cat should go away more often. If that’s even possible.”
“When the cat’s away…” The White Horse started as if struck by lightning. "Mephis!"
A very happy Prince turned to him. “Yes, my alabaster friend?”
“Yahneigh’s always on vacation, right? Why don’t you just strike? Go and…be a sculptor. The Pony Upstairs won’t know the difference, because he isn’t home!”
Mephistropteles’ jaw was suddenly overcome by gravity. “You’re right! I should listen to you more often!”
The residents of Equestria in the room stared.
…really?
The Prince of Darkness took on the Tartarian Manner of Royal Decree. “I hereby declare that I, Mephisssstroteles of Tartarusssss, am retiring as the Educator of the Next Life, relinquissshing any power I have over the Apocalypssse Brothersssss and creating a Back Door into my realm sssssituated close enough to Ponyville that I may visit my new FRIENDSSSSSSS!!!”
Pinkie Pie nearly hit the damaged ceiling. “YAYYY!!”
Celestia leaned down to Twilight. “He…has a lot to learn about friendship. Might I trouble you to make a copy of each of your letters from now on?”
Twilight nodded, a small smile playing about her lips as she watched Pinkie Pie introduce everyone to everyone else. “You can count on me, Princess.”
Amid the cacophony of introductions, Conquest raised his voice. “NOW HOLD ON A BUCKING MINUTE!”
Everypony fell silent. All eyes were on the white horse.
He snorted. “Let me get this straight: All the mounting tension, all the escalating drama…and that’s it? Mephis just says, ‘Hay, you know what? I’ll just retire!’ as if that wasn’t an avaliable curse of action from the very beginning, and everypony has a party? Where’s the thrilling climax?”
Rarity glanced around.
Mephis laughed. “Oh, don’t anypony listen to that stick-in-the-blood! This is a wonderful direction!”
Conquest sighed, deflating, as everypony went back to their tittering.
Famine walked up to him, one ear back. “Just let it go, Brother. What’s the point in dwelling? It’ll just get you worked up, trust me.”
The White Horse gave a small, barking laugh. “Well, I know one thing.”
The Black horse raised an eyebrow. “Really? We had our doubts…”
Conquest ignored the jibe. “This would make a ridiculous story.”
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This was good. Got quite a few laughs out of me.
A really well done story. You are simply a great writer.
I disagree with Conquest, this story was fucking great.
dawww though he is a practical satan the no birthday party part was reeeeeally cute and sad at the same time
Awww happy endings for EVERYONE!
I wanted more death he would make an awesom stand alone character
Well, happiness abounds in my skull!
1362247
That could be arranged...
Not gonna lie, this was a really cool read. Have a mustache:
You could write a fic (different universe to this) about one or more of the 4 coming to ponyville,
Nice story. Glad mitch recommended it to me. Interesting why you didnt go with disease though. All in all a pretty good story
Apologies for the delay. I can only hope you find this review to be worth it.
You asked for harsh, and so I shall comply.
Hello! I am Ibuprofen, from WRITE. I'm here to tear your story apart, as requested. I might go a bit overboard, though. Just a warning. I'm not good at telling the difference between harsh and blunt, but I'd imagine that one can't really be harsh without being blunt.
Though it should be noted that this is mostly opinion, take this as such and not as fact, fine print, disclaimers, etc., etc.
Cover page
That said, I do not have high hopes going into this story. (This is me being blunt; please keep that in mind. Sorry!) I'm not one to judge stories based on view-like ratios, even though yours is a bit on the low end, but I am one to judge stories by their covers. Like yours. Because I am a judgemental person. Which, I'll admit, is not a precursor to being harsh.
Now, your title stands out--and not in a good way, mind you. "Friendship is Apocalyptic." Not the most original of titles, I'm afraid. "Friendship is <Adjective>" titles are usually a sign of mediocre writing at best, as they often show a lack of creativity or imagination. It's like a "My Little <Name goes here>" crossover. Friendship is Apocalyptic sounds like it'd sit on the shelf next to My Little Resident Evil: Zombies are Infectious.
Next is the cover art. I'm not going to say that no effort went into it. I'm sure you spent quite a while on it--picking just the right colors, figuring out what manestyle and what cutie mark best fits whom, finding a good pentagram for the backdrop, and aligning the font to not be too far to any one side. But, and I'm not an art critic or anything, the picture just overall looks, uh... unpolished. The fonts don't go well together, the ponies are kind of just floating there in the picture, the black one has -dragon wings- and -devil horns,- and the picture overall is like a mish-mash of contrasting colors. It does more harm to drawing viewers than good, is what I'm saying, and I can only hope it doesn't reflect the contents of your story. (And the Four Horses don't look like the stuff of legends.)
Speaking of reflecting the contents of your story, we come to the most important part: the synopsis. A lot of people here on Fimfiction (like those in knighty's recent cover art blog post) say that a good writer might not be able to write a good synopsis. I disagree; I'm of the opinion that if a good writer can't write a good synopsis, then s/he isn't a good writer. It's a window to the story, a glimpse of what's inside and what can be expected. (Though, the converse is not true--good synopses do not always mean good writers. It makes it more likely, though.) So yeah, the synopsis. I'm not a fan of pony puns when it comes to character names, but I guess that's a matter of taste... (I'm not a fan.) The reference to Pinkie Pie, however:
By saying this, you're putting your character on the level of another. That means that one, this character's first personality trait is dependent on another's, which makes him less of his own character, and two, because he's the main character and you make such a reference for someone so important, that the text will probably have more barely related references like this. (I say barely related because Pinkie Pie looks to be a minor character here, given the synopsis and the character tags.) Instead of building on your own story and characters, this builds on others', which doesn't work when your story is about OCs taking over or trying to take over Equestria. On top of that, there's this:
I'm guessing the "(not that kind)" is for humorous purposes, but it... I guess I'm going into the grey area of funny vs. not funny, but I'm going to say this is not funny because it doesn't have any relationship to anything said thus far, making it detract from what you've said so far rather than add to it. (I also find it pretty low-brow and it kind of feels like the kind of joke that only works when followed by a laugh track, which you don't get with writing, but that might just be me.)
This is what I think going into the story. I've yet to read any of it so far. I could be horribly mistaken and it's just that you're better off trying to sell your story than improve your writing. That's something I say based off of general reading experiences, so it's hearsay, but damned if hearsay isn't convincing.
Reading now.
.
.
.
Huh. Not nearly as bad as I made it out to be. I wouldn't call it -great,- but it... yeah, not as bad as I made it out to be. I am surprised.
So rather than going down issues in chronological order like I usually do because I make comments as I read, I'm going to go from overall/abstract stuff to concrete/objective stuff, because I read most of the story on a phone. The excerpts below are from when I skimmed through later to copy and paste examples of things I felt needed to be addressed.
Well, no, I'm going to say this one concrete/objective thing first: Fix your formatting. The uneven indents were physically painful to read, especially so since I read most of this on a phone, and an indent pushes the beginning of a paragraph like halfway across the screen. This isn't really going to help your writing per se, but it's most certainly important to present your writing in a way that makes you look like you care, rather than in a way that makes it look like you copied and pasted your story into the Fimfiction box chunks at a time.
Plot- and character-level and scene-to-scene-level
I'll admit to not knowing anything about the four horsemen. I'd always thought they were Scandanavian, and I always thought they were War, Famine, Death, and -Pestilence.- That's what My Little Pony: Apocalypse Pony calls them in Robot Chicken, anyways. (That's a real thing. A parody thing turned down by Hasbro when the Robot Chicken creator approached them for a MLP toy line about it, but a real thing nonetheless.) But Wikipedia says Mephistopheles is a creation of popular culture, so you're mixing actual Bible stuff and non-actual, popular-culture Bible stuff, which seems a bit odd.
The references to Yahweh (I'm not religious; I don't know anything about Christian canon, either, aside from what I've picked up through being American.) seemed pretty weird with respect to Equestria. Equestria's a country; why would a god--or rather, why would God choose this country over any other on the planet? If Celestia doesn't know about Tartarus, why does everyone else? And if God-equivalent chose her to rule, why wouldn't she know? What of Celestia's origins? What's the purpose of the Four Horses tagging along with Mephistrotpheles? (It didn't seem to be taking over Equestria, seeing as how they didn't.) I don't think these questions were ever answered, and they kept my disbelief from suspending.
Maybe you have a headcanon built around this, but if that's the case, since I don't share it and you haven't really explained it, I have nothing to go on. Building stories on headcanon is like building castles on sand. Or something. Ignore this if that isn't the case.
And the ending... I'm afraid I don't get it. It comes out of nowhere and leaves me more confused than anything else. It's random, but I'm afraid I don't think that it's funny. I guess there's the birthday card thing at the top, but if this brick joke was meant to be the ultimate punchline for your story, I don't think the setup was sufficient.
With respect to plot: It felt a lot like this story was two different stories kind of mashed together a bit haphazardly: The four horsemen with the doing random things around Ponyville, and Mephistrotpheles's journey to Canterlot. I'll address these individually, then as a whole.
So, plot(s) and characters.
First, the Four Horseme--er, horses. Each of the four meet the mane six one by one, and silly things happen. Not exactly the most original of plots, where X members of some group are split as evenly as possible amongst the six manes, but it doesn't need to be if the interactions between them are interesting enough. More on that later down.
Let us go through your scenes here. First, Twilight and Rarity and Spike meet Conquest. Since Rarity seems flustered in this scene (「Rarity turned cherry red.」; 「“Nopony! Nopony at all.” She sang shakily.」) I can only guess that she is either lovestruck or scared. Leaning more towards the former. Next, Applejack meets War; War crawls around on the ground, and Applejack thinks he's a nut and acts as such. After that is Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie meeting Famine, who dusts the food in Sugarcube corner. Rainbow Dash and Famine have a spat. Lastly, Death falls in love with Fluttershy. Or at least, that's the end of X meets Y.
After that are the interactions. Twilight, accompanied by Rarity, Applejack, and Conquest, get War out of the hospital. Fluttershy gets scared by Death, Pinkie appears, and they decide that they need to go to Canterlot, but then they decide they need to find Famine. Famine and Rainbow Dash have a spat, Spike redirects them to the station, and they jump onto the train. The rest of the mane six comment on it, the three other end-of-days harbingers do like, and everyone meets up again. They go to the castle, and meet Mephistrotpheles.
But that's more or less it. Throughout all the introductions, there aren't really real introductions. That is to say, the characterization kind of falls flat. In the first scene, for the Four Horses, we find all the characters meeting at once, and they talk. But their speech doesn't really reveal anything particularly unique or characteristic about them. I mean, sure, War is loud (which never comes up again, which should be noted), Death is quiet... Famine doesn't make much of an appearance, and Conquest at the beginning sounds like an everyman, but he later turns into some kind of chick magnet or something. They're all one-note characters. Their actions aren't nuanced, and their voices are too extreme to say anything about them aside from what can be interpreted at a shallow level.
And there aren't any real introductions narrative-side, either, since they kind of just show up and the reader's assumed to follow them. The intro is from Mephistrotpheles's point of view, and that sidelines the Four Horses. There's no development of the four as this plotline goes on.
The mane six suffer from this a bit, too:
I would say that this passage sums up half the characterization issues rather succintly. First, you're trying to make them sound like their characters in-show, but you're trying too hard. Applejack's got her accent and pokes at Rainbow Dash, Rarity uses the uncommon word "mired" in casual conversation to sound eloquent, Pinkie Pie does something random. But that's -all- they do here. None of it is particularly plot-relevant, so this conversation entirely depends on -them.- And there's no other aspects of their personalities at play here. They feel more one dimensional, where their most well-known characteristics have almost become their only characteristics. I mean, it feels like it could be replaced with "Do you think she made it on?" followed by a shrug from someone else.
The conversation here is pretty basic. Applejack comments about Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy responds, Rarity makes a joke, Pinkie... does something random. (I am not a fan of Pinkie randomly doing random things. Pinkie Pie isn't a random event generator; she's a character, with a personality and motives.) You might be asking: What am I suggesting you do here? Add body language? Cut narration? Remove the scene, or extend it?
Well, there are a few things I'd say could be done. One, add wit and personality to the dialogue. Like I said, it's pretty rote. Make it shorter and pithier, and add mood to it--make it reflect their current states of mind. This mostly reflects Applejack's and Fluttershy's lines. (Fluttershy's line doesn't really make sense when I think about it. She appears to be making an assumption here: If RD on train, then RD will have found the others by that time. Two, put more focus where it matters*. If the dialogue is what's important*, don't hold it back with unnecessary narration. If what happens is important*, narrate it; what's said in the interim is inconsequential.
*What matters is a judgment call, but spreading the focus evenly is like trying to hit two birds with the same stone. You need to wait for them to line up (which doesn't happen often unless you're trying to write filler to pad your word count), and even then, you need really good aim. For importance, sometimes dialogue might matter to develop characters or move the plot forward, but in this case, it doesn't really do either, so I'd say to defocus it if option one isn't taken.
If you're wondering why I'm harping on Pinkie's role in this scene so much, it's because it's a complete non sequitur where it doesn't belong. It's like a cheesy appearance of a character in a sitcom, where someone says something marginally related to something that character's known for, and he or she shows up saying "Did somebody say/mention..." and the laugh track plays. The joke's been played out before MLP G3 hit Toys"R"Us shelves.
And some plot holes, maybe:
- Applejack doesn't show up at the hospital in this scene until they're leaving.
- Why would Rainbow Dash get on the train if she can fly faster than it at what apears to be a sustainable pace?
Second, the Mephis-Celestia plot. Mephis splits off from the four, and he goes straight to Canterlot to depose Celestia. He meets the guards, he waits in line, and he introduces Celestia to Tartarus. Celestia freaks.
But this isn't a particularly interesting plot, and that's hurt by the way you've characterized him. He's the most powerful character in your story short of pony Yahweh, he rules Hell, he acts like he can curbstomp Celestia without breaking a sweat, and he has the mannerisms of a... I don't know. A loon? You did say he was dropped on his head a few times.
I'm not sure what to say here. His motive is shaky to begin with, based off of a whim. His interactions are one-sided. In short, he's not interesting.
Together, these scenes are interwoven with scenes from the plot line above, but in the manner that they are placed, they seem to mix like water and oil. The two don't interact. Your focus is all over the place. Game of Thrones for TV follows like a billion characters, but the books are written from the perspective of like seven different characters per book, and they meet each other, plot, fight, etc.
Also important to note is a seeming lack of setting. The narration's focus is always on the characters all the time, so their settings are always confusing. In comparison, many plays have more description of setting per scene than this story, between half a page and two pages of what's on the stage. Granted, these are for things that matter later on so actors can do things, but having less setting than a play's script means that your actors aren't interacting with their surroundings, or you just lack description.
In short, with respect to plot and characterization, you seem to be trying to do too much with too little. You have two plots at two different paces with little connection, and neither of them receive enough attention to fully flesh them out. The characters all barely have an introduction, and those introductions aren't all too solid.
Not the best example for the first line, but the second doesn't really apply to him after the intro. The first line is from the War-Applejack scene, and the second is from the intro.
So, uh, I didn't want to say this out of fear of sounding offensive, but the cover art picture makes Mephistrotpheles look like he has Down Syndrome. Was that intentional?
So Famine keeps poking at Rainbow Dash throughout the story and keeps calling her "Bluebird." This makes him seem less cool and composed, and more like a teenager trying too hard to be cool. Or Dale from the webcomic Questionable Content, if you've read that. His choice of nickname is arbitrary and his mannerisms are pretty juvenile. If he thought himself above Rainbow Dash, he'd act condescending only in retaliation; she wouldn't be worth his time otherwise. (Imagine a college student picking on a high schooler. It wouldn't look like what's going on between Famine and RD here, at least, unless the college student is too socially maladjusted to be with peers.)
Now, if this were what you were going for, then kudos--you did it well. The issue with this, then, is perspective--the narration makes it sound like he's actually supposed to be cool and composed. Perspective issues are addressed in general in the writing-stuff level two sections down.
If this isn't what you were going for, I suggest changing Famine's character or demeanor.
Though Pinkie often gets billed as a random character, writers too often interpret that as carte blanche to have Pinkie do anything and call it Pinkie being Pinkie. She's a character with a personality and motives--there's a method to her madness, so to speak.
Wasn't Swarm of the Century all about making sense of Pinkie's behavior?
This is Applejack, a local farmer, talking to Princess Celestia, highest ruler of a sovereign state and, according to some lines of fanon, a goddess. This either treason or blasphemy (or both).
This more or less reflects my sentiment on the events that happen for most of the story, I'm afraid. Water and oil.
The ending just kind of tapers off. No plot relevance, no pithy punch line, no extended brick joke. It just kind of ends.
Paragraph- and scene-level
Paragraph level. Indent them properly, and make sure you don't have random new lines between your words. It's like forgetting your name on a test, or exchanging one digit for another on a math problem. Important stuff.
This is the part where I talk about things that happen between the start of a scene and the end of a scene.
This is the introduction of the scene between Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Famine. In this, the following elements are introduced: Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash's motive. So it's a nice lead in for a scene that would have Rainbow Dash trying to follow that motive. These, however, are not introduced: Her location, a sense of what had led to this situation, other characters. Those are implied. The second paragraph seems to assume that Rainbow Dash is at Sugarcube Corner, that she has (or had) a cupcake, that Pinkie Pie is at the scene, and that Rainbow Dash hadn't noticed her immediate surroundings as her cupcake got dusted. That is a lot of things to leave out. It feels like there are gaps in the scene, holes where things should be but aren't. The audience should be generally aware of what's on stage (i.e., the setting, Sugarcube Corner); readers do not like to make critical assumptions about what's happening, and they like it even less when they assume wrong.
Also, items should not be introduce as they leave or become unimportant (i.e., the cupcake). Things that are on their way out don't get attention, which is bad if the story needs attention drawn to them.
"Diane." And how does he know Pinkie's middle name?
Writing-stuff-level
Comedy.
Comedy is hard. Much harder than any other genre. The basis of comedy is irony, "an incongruity, or contrast, between reality (what is) and appearance (what seems to be)." (Source: Irony, Wikipedia) Comedy takes on many forms: witty repartees between characters, discrepancy between tone and mood, subversion of expectations of audience or character, absurdity, and other stuff. Comedy is complex--much more than putting a knife in a pony's back or having Rainbow Dash make out with Rarity.
Well, no; sometimes it's as easy as a timely "That's what she said," but that's neither here nor there.
But those things I've listed--I'm not seeing too much of it in this story. There's absurdity, but nothing that wouldn't immediately follow from the premise (which as mentioned before, only gets you so far), and the plot is kind of linear and predictable, which takes subversion of expectation away--save for the end, which despite being completely out of left field, is more random and less funny.
They say dissecting a joke is like dissecting a frog--you find out what's inside it and how it works, but it'll be dead when you're finished. Well, you can't be a frog doctor without doing some dissections. Modern physiology and general doctorology took a giant leap forward when da Vinci decided to cut up some dead people. (Fact: In some colleges, dissections are done live on comatose frogs so their hearts still beat and they're still breathing and whatnot. Isn't nature fascinating?)
This sentence tries to do too much. When you can't tell what the focus of a sentence is supposed to be when it only has one independent clause, it's a good sign to break it up.
First, "look" is intranstive when used in this sense. You don't look something; you look at something.
That said: "Colouring" in this context isn't very descriptive. This could mean one of many things--blushing, blueing, turning green from illness, red with fury... If you're going to tell us about something, it's often best to do so in the least amount of words. (As you can probably tell from this review, I'm guilty of doing the opposite.) Description is what gives your narration color (Zing.), what makes it more lively. A lot of stories on Fimfiction sound exactly the same. That's because they all use the same words, the same level of general description, the same general characteristics when writing about characters, etc.
This could mean anything. See descriptiveness blurb above.
So I'd like to introduce the concept of narrative voice here. It's exactly what it sounds like: it's the narrator's voice, which is, not coincidentally, what the narrator sounds like. It's the flow of his (or hers, but I'll use "his" here) words, the type of words he uses, the phrases he chooses, his tone, so on. It isn't the same as perspective, but perspective does factor into what the voice will sound like.
Voice is important because it sets a mood. Want your reader to feel something? Set a mood. An environment. It helps immersion. (Without it, immersion is difficult. And a bunch of other important things.)
So for the most part, voice is consistent throughout a story. Whatever the opening scene's voice is, that's what the rest of the story should sound like. Let’s take your opening lines: “Please kill me.” and "The stallion had certainly seen better days." So the narrator isn't very serious. A bit removed from the immediate events of the story, but still holding an interest with a bit of amusement. That's what it sounds like to me, anyways. Mostly formal, for the most part--standard.
So let's take a look at the quote in the box--"Bounce." Word, dialogue, word. This is much different from the standard dialogue before. Before, the voice flowed like a conversation, Where sentences were complete sentences, with subject, predicate, dependent clauses, modifiers, etc. All information is processed through the narrator, and it comes out as his voice.
Quite a difference from with one-word sentence of "Bounce." Here, there's just that--a verb, or a noun. Bounce. It's an idea, and nothing else. You're not saying who's doing the bouncing or how; it's implied, given the context. This pattern is used by a voice that constantly interrupts itself for effect, much different from the narrator from before. Actually, I hesitate to call it "voice"--it's less voice and more raw information. This seems to be, for the most part, the only part of the story where you stray from general
As such, the voice is inconsistent. Inconsistent voice leads to inconsistent mood, and inconsistent mood leads to reader apathy. Not to say all inconsistent voice is bad, because it isn't, and sometimes it can be a really good thing, but going from one voice to another is a processes requiring careful transition, and there's no such transition here.
"when thay caught"
Visual humor. This is writing--there is no visual aspect, and more importantly, there is no time aspect. Now imagine Mephis jumping to the ceiling. It played out in your head in what, two seconds? Three? Now imagine this in comic book form. One panel, he's jumping; the next, he's hit the ceiling; the next, he's hit the ground again. Not as smooth anymore, is it? It's discrete. In animation, you can be like, okay, he's crashed, he's falling, next scene, moving on. Not so much here. Readers control how quickly they read. Likewise with eyes rolling out of one's head and jaws dropping.
And perspective. Okay, uh, perspective. I'll try to keep this short. If your narrator is the cameraman, perspective is the camera. It can be close to a character (third-person limited), bird's eye (third-person omniscience), inside a character's head (first person), and... the analogy breaks with second person, but that's closer to first-person than it is to third. But like a real camera, the distance between focus and camera isn't limited to three positions. It can and sometimes needs to be adjusted. Important things get close-ups (more description), the camera shouldn't jump around too much and should show important events between scenes (transitions), etc.
And perspective should (almost) never change in the middle of a scene. If you're going with third person limited, it should stick with the character to which the perspective is close. So switching characters--like above, from Celestia (you know what she feels) to Mephis (you know what he thinks)--is really dizzying.
I would not call this third omniscient. This seems too close to the characters--when the character's perspective blends into the narration like "He dearly hoped the Princess wouldn’t force his hoof", that's third limited.
Focus. I keep using that word, don't I? What determines focus in a sentence? It's what draws most attention. Usually, the subject of a sentence is the focus. Sometimes it's a prepositional phrase, sometimes it's the verb, sometimes it's an adjective. It's whatever the reader should pay most attention to. Mostly, it's new information. There's no real rule to it, none that I can think of. There are guidelines, though: Independent clauses get more focus than dependent ones, and subjects get more attention than objects. That's for choosing how to assign focus inside a sentence.
Though here, let's look at what we can focus on: Teeth, clamping, cake, proximity, hoof. What isn't here? The owner of those teeth. And before that, the actions between his shout and the clamping. Since the focus goes directly from him shouting to him closing his mouth around the cake, there's no sense of him actually moving to eat the cake--like there's a really short scene missing in between. You put the focus on not-him and the verb you used was not-his.
Okay, uh. If you gauge how good your writing is by follower count and favorites, I guess memes might net you some, given Fimfiction's general audience. Certainly, if it's enjoyable to your target audience, then there's only so much I can do. But if you're trying to improve writing in general, using pre-made phrases to try to make your story take on those phrases' connotations by association is not the way to go. It doesn't really work like that, and you lose points for trying. Not that I'm speaking for every critic ever, but I doubt it'll be well received by most critical individuals. I try to gauge how good writing is by how well the words flow with each other, and memes disrupt that flow pretty hard due to aforementioned connotations. "Thought-terminating cliche" and all that. (Or, for concrete statistics, I gauge by how much actual story discussion is happening in the comments and outside of Fimfiction, and how well the story holds up long after it is pushed to the site.)
Grammar- and words-level
Since you seem to be using UK English, I have no comment on spelling differences. However, there were some things...
And I remember finding grammar issues scattered throughout, but I wasn't really looking for them. Enough to not just skim over and not notice then, at least. You should find an editor for those things, or better yet, learn grammar and style guidelines so you won't need one. Most editors on this website are bad and the ones that aren't usually only edit for friends or established authors.
Some miscellaneous things:
Throughout the story, you capitalize these colors when referring to the four. Unless these are their names and not just their colors, they shouldn't be capitalized. If these are their titles, saying "The brothers [Titles]" sounds kind of... off.
I've never been a fan of typing out Applejack's accent with apostrophes and dropped letters and "Ah" over "I", but this seems egregious.
I have absolutely no idea what's meant here by "literary", I'm afraid.
And formatting. For your next story, please keep formatting in mind. You wouldn't show up to a job interview with your tie inside out, would you? Gotta be presentable and all that.
No, seriously--I'm emphasizing formatting over any of those higher-level some-of-what-makes-good-writing-good concepts up there, even though it's easy--and that's -because- it's easy. Formatting is easily one of the most important things when presenting a story; formatting improperly shows lack of author's attention, especially when every page or so there's a paragraph with a random indent or a line break in the middle of a sentence. One's writing would have to be -really- good to forgive errors in formatting, and I'd say most writers with four-digit follower counts here don't write that well. (And that writer would have to claim that he or she was totally drunk at the time, and then either fix it after being called out on it or disavow the fic to shed responsibility.)
Misc.
This is never brought up again, and Rarity claiming one of them is her cousin isn't something to be glossed over.
I liked these lines.
Overall
I can see why this has the Comedy tag and the Dark tag, but after reading this story in its entirety, I'm not sure where the elements of satire are. I've never been quick to pick up non-political satire; I might need explanation. (This style of review doesn't lend towards help in that manner, I'm afraid.) But satire is generally subtle, and a red-black OC from hell isn't really subtle. I'm not sure what to say on this front. I got nothin'.
I had a score-review-out-of-hundred paragraph thing, but I deleted it. You don't need me to tell you how good or bad I think your writing is; you're looking for someone to tell you how to improve! That means the stuff up there in the writing-level stuff is what you should pay attention to most--maybe not necessarily the examples I've pointed out, but the concepts I've mentioned: perspective, voice, tone, mood, etc. And of course, read more good books. A reviewer telling you to read more and write more is like a doctor telling you to eat heathily and exercise, anyways.
You might also want to go look up "rhetorical devices." They're kind of like building blocks for writing in general, if tropes are building blocks for stories.
I don't think I can help you with comedy. I don't know how to comedy; I only have opinions.
Or at least, that's what I would say, but it looks like you haven't touched this story in ten months. Maybe you've improved vastly since then. Yeah, I hadn't noticed until -after- I wrote all this.
Oh, god, this wasn't sent in to WRITE a year ago, was it?
Anyways, that's what I've got to say on this. If you have questions or comments, reply to this comment and I'll see it.
Ibuprofen
WRITE Reviewer Something-or-other