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Flash Sentry just broke up with his marefriend of several years.
Now, he's stuck in a time loop aboard a train.
Flash Sentry would like to stop now.
Edited by LuckyChaosHooves
Entry for the Renaissance Contest with the theme of 'Change'
Narcotics tag for the consumption of alcohol.
Cover Image taken from Unsplash by Kate Bezzubets
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That time loop is pretty interesting...
OK, this may seem like a strange question, but are you willing to respond to comments and/or PMs?
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... yes?
Oh, yikes! Didn't expect that.
I'm really enjoying this. A very interesting take on the ol' groundhog day. Keep it coming!
LOL
Yikes. That hurt, but good chapter.
Enjoyed every minute of this. Thanks so much for publishing!
Hell of a first chapter.
Hmm, that's smart thinking by Flash, and an interesting Mare with a Mark too.
I like the idea of each train car disappeared when it's solved, and I really like the intelligence of Flash to work through (eventually) each reflection of himself they present.
That was intense. Didn't see it coming before this chapter, but it fits well into the story. Explains a bunch of things.
Great story, really enjoyed it. Thank you indeed for publishing!
Well...
First...the nitpicks...
Arms should be forelegs...because ponies...
Tires should be wheels. Trains have no tires...
Now...the story.
Perfect...
Let me tell you why...
Because this is me. I lived this. For thirty years...
Everything was like this. And when I was finally used up, I was discarded...
You hit on all of it. The letters you write to yourself, believing that she was writing about you. The pain of it all. How you fool yourself, into believing things weren't what they were. I would've added a chapter in how your emotions whipsaw from, "If I would just do this," to "I'll get back at her," that. The slow, agonizing climb out of the hole.
How your personal luggage keeps falling on you...
All of it...is truth. And I hope the right people read this, and come to their senses before they end up in their own personal tunnel...
I hated mine, but I didn't realize or recognize it...not until I read this...
"I'm ready to disembark..."
Me, too, Flash...
Thank You...
And thanks to you, SockPuppet. I would have never found this without your encouragement...
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You're welcome, and thank you very much for reading! I'm glad you found so much meaning in the story.
I truly hope you can find your happiness~!
Have a most excellent day.
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Like you said...you have to keep working on you...
That's why I said you hit all the right spots...
Thanks.
Hoo, where to start.
Might as well get a couple quick technical things out of the way.
This should be spat.
I saw a bit of this in Vibrato's chapter, but there's really weird wording in dialogue that mostly stems from the use of commas and periods. Could just be a nitpick, but I thought I'd point it out.
NOW. Let's get to the meat of this. This was an absolutely amazing train ride and I enjoyed every minute of it. Obviously, the story is about toxic relationships, and it even says that at one point, but it's amazing how well you show that without outright stating it before then. Twilight's name isn't even mentioned until the second-to-last chapter and you can feel the effect she had on Flash.
Speaking of, I really want to commend you on how well you characterized Flash. He's built from the start as someone who gets irritated easily and has some underlying issues that have yet to be resolved. Throughout the story, he feels like he's really growing, but it also feels like he isn't a complete idiot before that. You really make his problems genuine and you can really believe why he hasn't figured things out yet. Probably the biggest thing is that all of his problems aren't actually the most obvious detail. Something that isn't talked about too much is how Flash represses his emotions, and how being exposed to painful memories so vividly from ponies he doesn't know opens a wound. The only one this doesn't happen with is Point Guard, as she doesn't have the same problems as Flash and his pain with her has likely been dulled with time and their toxic relationship.
Another fun touch is the little metaphors in all the character names. Vibrato helps Flash to understand that he should have depth beyond just who he's dating, that his hobbies and the things he enjoys are valid. He realizes he has a voice and that it has Vibrato. Love Letter helps him to love himself and that you shouldn't hide your emotions. No shame in sending yourself a Love Letter. Point Guard is his obstacle, the one holding him back from moving on. Her constant teasing and controlling nature keeps him in her shadow, and she tries to demean him to keep him with her, to stop him from leaving. She's the Point Guard. Finally, Next Track helps him to move forward, not to ignore what happened, but push on in spite of that. He helps Flash to find a new destination or a Next Track.
Your characterization in general is amazing, but I want to pay specific attention to Love Letter and how he stands out from the rest. Rather than being bitter, he lies to himself. His tragedy is still happening. You can tell the difference between the things he actually believes and the things his marefriend had convinced him of.
I probably had more to say, but I've been writing this for so long that I've run out of talking point. This story is so thought provoking on real issues and it's just so good. Amazing characters, your descriptions of the world are top notch, and despite a few grammar hiccups, it all makes for an amazing experience that sucks you in. Bravo!
Well, damn, that was unexpectedly intense. And here I thought that -
This was nice banter. Oof.
Mmmm I'm not too sure about spelling it out this way, and so early on. Unless it indicates that Flash is smarter than he looks, heh. On the other hand, Flash figuring it out so early is pretty refreshing.
Clever lad.
What you are in the dark, eh?
The mystery thickens. But there's so much more left to this, hmm...
I've little to say for this chapter, other than this is beautiful.
Aw.
I didn't expect this one to be so straightforward, but given what Point Guard's like, it makes all the sense in the world.
Wow.
This was beautiful, Otter. I'm quite speechless at this. It's, honest to God, such a bittersweet, honest look into how relationships can consume so much of us to the point that every piece of you is defined by it - which it shouldn't be.
Top notch writing from all around, I love how it was woven so intimately with Flash's thoughts.
Thank you for this.
already love this OC!
ah yeah, unspooling the reveal of flash's very sorry state like this to hit the last revelation at the climax of the confrontation, very nice!
classic scene transition. great setup so far, excited to see what's next!
she does have canonical experience with weird time stuff!
evidently! nice way to get those thoughts in that he would not have had otherwise
good to see flash in the "trying other things" stage of the time loop narrative
definitely a lot more going on here than time loops! which you've already hinted at with how the resets don't seem to quite reset everything.
ah, the sad acceptance phase, very nice.
surprised that the premise was figured out so quickly, in the second chapter, though maybe there are twists ahead i will see later.
i like this oc
oof, i've seen this play out in others, it's not fun to watch or be.
ah, the undercurrent, the reaction to the nickname "big wig", it all comes together. very nice character study here.
hehe, i love domain-specific snobbishness like this
#relatable for my instrument as well, which is the keyboard of my laptop where i write fanfics, rip me
aww! such a nice, warm feeling from this development
a twist!
your pony names have been very on-point so far, perfect extensions of the canon. but i do wonder what love letter's life was like before he had a marefriend or coltfriend, much as i do with a lot of canon ponies named after the one relevant trait to a story or scene!
really getting the ghosts of christmas past/present/future vibes with this setup somehow! kind of neat. also, love letter's position is very relatable to me. i was definitely exactly like that in my first relationship.
meta! very nice.
come to think of it, he's done this a lot throughout the story so far! interesting
dang you don't have to do past me in like this
ooh, nice twist. makes me think of Snowpiercer somehow, and not just because of the train thing, but because of the bright primary colors of this detail. hard to explain that feeling!
dang, you could cut the emotional maturity with a knife and brown it in a toaster!
she's just a nice mare! why do the stallions always have to go for the mean princesses???
ugh, so much emotional maturity, very nice.
and a great payoff to their interactions in the first chapter, bringing everything around full circle. very well done here.
physical reflection of internal growth, very nice.
it took me until now to make the connection between flash getting repeatedly hit by luggage and "emotional baggage", i am pretty dumb sometimes.
a good lesson for all of us.
and a great ending.
had no idea what to expect from this going in, which was great, because i got to enjoy this very unique exploration of recovering from unhealthy relationship dynamics, which was also one i could identify with myself. and since Flash Sentry basically does not have a canon characterization (okay, you could argue for eqg, but this is the pony version!), you've made up, introduced, and made me fall in love with four separate OCs with their own internal lives in single chapters, a great feat.
you really have a knack for writing conversations, which is a perfect match for a story that is essentially several conversations stapled together. i loved the movement of Flash's character arc, and the way you both began and ended the journey with his pre-existing relationship with Point Guard, which meant the final conversation where he showed the most growth and change also felt the most backed-up and earned. would be interesting to map this onto that whole "hero's journey" structure that everyone keeps yammering about, since it really gives off that sort of feel to me.
excellent work, thanks for writing it.
There's something about this story that gives me very specific vibes. It feels, to me, very much like one of those super emotional short indie games. First person, mostly walking and talking, pretty much no gameplay except for the core narrative... The story is even set up like it, each of the train cars being a specific challenge Flash has to overcome by repeatedly looping through ever changing conversation trees. The way Flash's side of the story is slowly revealed to the reader through his interactions with the ponies he meets even gives off that vibe.
I suppose something that adds to this is the train itself, and Next Track. Part of me wants to know how he pulled it off, what's going on behind the scenes, if it's the train that's magic or it's part of his cutie mark talent, if he's even a pony at all... but I know that's not at all what the story is about. It's a framing device, and in the end even Flash agrees it doesn't really matter why. But the train could host so many other passengers, other ponies going through time loops who have to learn to move forward. I suppose another question is if the other ponies in the train cars and what interactions they remember. I assume the final ones, though.
I'm not really good at getting emotional feeling from stories, I tend to focus more on plot, and I honestly don't know if I have that much to say about the emotional core of this story. I feel bad about that, that I have nothing to say on the main point and only comments on the parts that straight up do not matter... it's probably why I don't leave many comments.
And... I have no idea how to end, so.... uh... I give this story four crazy trains going of the rails out of five, and one regular train for good measure.
I have to wonder what kind of relationship does Flash and Point Guard have. That turned from friendly banter to emotional harassment pretty quick even before the hit.
I like when character’s realize the advantages of bad situations.
That… actually hit quite close to home with me. Well done.
Okay, this got me laughing
I like that Flash is smart here about the loop.
This is hitting even closer to home.
Great way to twist the knife there.
I think ‘Tantabus cursed train’ would’ve been better
I hate that I could tell this just by his name. Poor fella
Perfect response, and everything Next Track says next. Sounds casual enough to be passed as simple advice from a normal pony.
Also, I ship Love Letter and Vibrato. They both can be happy together.
Finally getting down to business and reading this fic! There's a lot to love about this intro chapter - I especially have to commend you on how you've written Point Guard. It can be really hard to establish an interesting OC so quickly, and even harder to establish them well enough that their behavior becomes predictable. I already feel like I know her and really get her speech patterns and motivations.
I also love how this just feels like a time loop story. Like I can sense it. It's a comin. I'm so ready.
Props to my guy Flash for figuring things out!! Must have been all that time with Twilight. I think you tend to pick things up pretty quick around her vortex of insanity.
I'm really interested in these side characters, too. You've introduced them in ways that are so enticing... I'm not totally sure how this story links up to the others in the series, but I'm guessing I may have to wait until the next installment for some answers! Either way. Hype hype.
Absolutely love this whole chapter. The OC is great, their conversation is great... you did a wonderful job of slowly working towards the best possible conclusion to their discussion, while still keeping things feeling new. It's one of the hardest things about writing a time loop tbh - hard to make it NOT repetitive. But you nailed it!
I'm dying to hear more about Flash's relationship with Twi, though. The aftermath is pretty telling, but my morbid curiosity is rearing up. I want the deets!!
So so so sweet. Love Letter is such a darling. He really did need a hug... I'm glad Flash gave him one for me :)
I like the way you've set up these conversations. They feel so natural, and the way Flash helps himself by helping others is such a sweet concept in and of itself. This is just such a heartwarming and healing fic. It sucks that Flash went through this, but I get it, and I'm glad he has the chance to repair himself.
Daaaaaaaaamn okay!!
I admit, you took me by surprise. All the clues were there, but you did a great job keeping the pace just frenetic enough and the cast just full enough that it was still a great twist. I'm so proud of Flash and his progress, and I'm extra proud of him for proving himself and ending another unhealthy relationship. It's not an easy thing to do.
Super excited to get onto the next installment! And I really hope we see more of Flash!
DAMN!!
DUDE. What a great ending.
I was anticipating a short little epilogue to set up the next installment but you snuck in another brilliant twist!
Absolutely loved this fic. If I could fave it again, please know that I would - you did such great justice to Flash's character, gave him an emotional (and uncommon) character arc, and populated this whole thing with some really well-done OCs. I'm super impressed. Can't wait to read the next one!
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Aw thanks Mush, super glad you liked it, fair warning Blooms is a very different beast!
And yes I had a lot of fun with the twists in this one. Glad they paid off :D ~!
I would say something about how this is uncharacteristic of Twilight but much like the loop it’s more of a framing device. It doesn’t matter how much it’s in character as she just isn’t in the story. I liked this story a lot
Hello, a review to your story has been posted. I hope you find it helpful.
I can see why you recommended this fic when I asked for your best. This is a phenomenal introspective piece. It plays so well with the typical Flash Sentry shortcomings given to us by the source material and expertly crafts it into a healing salve for the soul.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It was a great ride from beginning to end.
it's nice to finally get an explanation fo the tartarus flash got put through. and one full of thematic train metaphors to boot!