I woke up in the middle of some sort of forest. “What the fuck happened?!” I yelled. Nothing happens. Of course nothing happens. I scan my surroundings for any sort of life. The forest looked beautiful, so much more luscious than the other forests I’ve seen. Little dandelions and roses stuck out from the grassy floor. I saw a small town in the distance and rubbed my eyes. “What’s going on..?” I walked toward the town carefully. When I came close enough, I hid behind one of the buildings. I peeked out from my hiding spot and nearly fainted. There were dozens upon dozens of colorful ponies going back and forth with their everyday lives. “Is this… Equestria? How the hell did I get here? I thought this place was a made up TV show…” Jack peeked out for too long, as one of the mares noticed him.
That’s when things got chaotic. “IT’S A MONSTER!! RUN EVERYPONY!!!” Ponies dashed left and right to escape the ‘monster’. Then the streets were completely empty. I walked through town in silence. I looked at some of the houses and the ponies inside shut their curtains. Then, I noticed the big tree on the other side of town. “Twilight might be able to help me.” I walked faster through the empty street and reache the door. I knocked softly on the wooden door and heard an, “I’m coming!” from inside. I recognized the voice of Spike as he said those two words.
He opened the door and looked at me before screaming and slamming the door in my face. I then heard Twilight from inside. “What’s going on, Spike?” She said. “T-there’s a m-monster outside!” Spike studdered. “Really?” I heard hoofsteps come toward the door. “Don’t go out there Twilight!” Spike said. The door opened and I saw the purple unicorn in the doorway. “Hi, I just need some hel-“ The door shut in my face again. “What is that thing?!” Twilight shouted. I decided to speak up at this point. “I just need some help please, I won’t hurt you.” The door creaked open to a slit and Twilight peeked from the crack. “What do you want?” Twilight asked nervously. “I just need some help, I don’t know where I am.” I decided to act dumb so she didn't freak out any more than she already had. She opened the door a bit more and showed more of her face. “You’re in Ponyville, who are you? Why are you here?”
“My name is Jack, and I don’t know how I got here.” I explained myself to her. “I’m going to let you in, don’t do anything funny.” She said suspiciously. Twilight opened the door fully and I could see the inside of her book-infested tree house. She backed up to let me step in and I walked into her house. She shut the door behind me with her magic and examined me. Spike looked terrified as he pulled Twilight over and whispered something in her ear. She replied with another whisper and Twilight returned her eyes to me."Where are you from, exactly?” She asked. “I’m from a planet called Earth, and I ended up getting teleported here somehow.” I said. “Hmm, that’s odd. Maybe I can ask Princess Celestia about this. Spike, pick up a note.” He rushed over to the pile of parchment paper, never releasing eye contact with me. “Alright, ready.” He announced. Twilight told Spike to write that Celestia should come immediately. Spike sent the note with a belch of green fire and we waited a few seconds in silence.
Then, a blinding light erupts from the side of the room. Celestia stood tall as she looked at what’s happening. Her eyes reached me and she stared at me intently. Twilight spoke up after another few awkward seconds passed. “It said it's name was Jack.” She said. Celestia nods and began to speak to me. “What is your purpose here, Jack?” I tried to think of words to say and came up with a sentence. “I don’t know, I don’t even know how I got here.” “Well, Jack, tell me what happened before you came here.” I explained the after-party on Earth, where I woke up, and the walk through Ponyville. “Interesting…” She said thoughtfully.
“I shall try to explain to the other ponies that you are friendly, I will also try to investigate the reason of how you teleported here… But if you hurt ANY of my ponies, I will banish you to the moon.” I nodded and she left the room in another blinding flash of light. I sighed in relief. “Well wasn’t that something.” I chuckled to myself. Twilight looked at me with curious eyes. “You can always stay here for the time being if you want.” Twilight says. “Sure, thanks.” Twilight lead me upstairs into a spare bedroom with a small bed and a desk with a lamp. "I'll introduce you to my friends tomorrow" She said. “I’m going to sleep, it’s been a long day.” I told her. “Uh okay… Goodnight.” Twilight shut the door and left me in the dark room. I lied on the soft mattress and thought about what happened in the short time that I was here. The mattress was suprisingly soft, like I was on fluffy clouds. I thought to myself, "Do I really want to leave?" I shut my eyes and fell asleep.
The sun rised over Ponyville, beginning a new day. I opened my eyes slowly, only to see that I was still in Equestria. I thought to myself, “This wasn’t a dream after all… What the hell am I doing here? How did I get here?” My questions might be answered later. Celestia said she would figure it out, right? I remembered what Twilight said yesterday, “I’ll introduce you to my friends tomorrow.” That made me perk up. I was about to do what every brony wanted to do, meet the main 6. Hell, other bronies would rather just live in Equestria at least. I rolled out of the covers and stood on the floor. Then, began walking quietly toward the door and pressed my ear against it. Nothing. Good. I didn’t want to have anypony see me. At least not yet, of course. I opened it slowly and walked to the balcony of the second floor.
You constantly switch between present tense and past tense. It makes reading very difficult simply due to lack of proper structure. For example, your last paragraph starts with, "I wake up..." Which is present tense. Then, later in the last paragraph, you write, "I bounced in excitement..." which is past tense. I suggest going through the whole story and choosing a single tense for it (and I highly recommend past tense) and then editing all the tense errors.
Additionally, your story suffers from the curse of , "telling" instead of "showing". For example, the first chapter is telling us all about how Jack comes from an abusive and broken home. Instead of getting to experience it for themselves, the reader is forced to listen to backstory delivered in an uninteresting way. A far more effective way to "show" us Jack's backstory would, perhaps, be for him to talk with one of the mane 6 about his history. Twilight Sparkle would be very interested in learning about this strange human, and having Jack speak to her about his life is far more interesting than simply delivering it to us through a internal narration.
Your story needs work. Please don't feel disheartened, though! Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has to start somewhere, and the best way to learn is by doing, and then receiving constructive feedback.
Best of luck.
I want to have jack tell everypony about his history in a future chapter. Possibly chapter 3. I'm going to see if I can edit the story some more so things'll be easier to read. Thx for the advice though :D just realized the tenses. Hopefully the story goes as planned. Keep in check, it'll get better over time.
The prologue will have to be heavily edited apparently. 1st person seems a bit harder to do for me than 3rd person. Idk why.
I also did this at 4 in the morning so I wasnt thinking too clearly. I wanted to get the story started already. That was probably a bad idea.
Editing will come tonight! Ima check over everything again to make things smooth. And thx to maverik for the friendly comment. Also, Maverik, i have some tips 4 u. Dont be shy with story ideas, thats fluttershys problem. The chapters dont post until you have atleast 1000 words. You can still edit the stuff any time you want. If you get negative feedback on your story, keep writing (unless you dont like the story either). Read some other stories to improve a little of your writing.
Your doing great! Can't wait for the next chapters!
This seems pretty fast paced
@Hank J Wimbelton
Its my first story, what do you expect?
Chapter 1 has been partially edited. Workin on the Prologue now. I'm thinking about maybe putting in scenes from Jack's past. Idk how i'm going to pull it off without screwing somthing up
Ima try ages 5, 8, and 11 to start. Keep giving me feedback. It's actually helping.
Prologue is done with editing. :D Gonna work on chapter 1 tonight, maybe even some of 2.
I finally uploaded a pic! Ain't it pretty?
Chapter 2 is halfway done, I have back issues that's making me slow down.
need longer chapters its coming off to fast dude