Blending In
(Author's note: I edited this best to my knowledge of writing)
Craig woke up seeing a bright blue sky with a few clouds. "Ow my hea-"Craig hesitated, "Wh-where am I". Craig said looking around seeing tree's and grass, "Wasn't I in my car?. What's going on?". Craig stood up but something seemed..off, "What the...are these..hoof's and a coat...it's brown". Craig looked up to discover his hair was more spiky then he normally had it, he also felt something on his back, This freaked out craig the most, he had wing's. "Now that seem's weird why would I have wing's...unless no it can't be, am I In Equestria or Ponyville?" Craig said felling confused of the whole situation. "I should probably use another name hmm let's see". "Omelet Sky..No...Sky Fly...No...Comet star....Yes Comet star shall be my new name". Craig said feeling happy.
As Craig or Comet star began walking It didn't take much till he was stumbling all over the place but soon got the hang of walking on all four's. He also tried spreading his wing's in and out to get the feel for them. "Flapping doesn't seem to be too hard but still takes energy" Comet star said while flapping slowly, after a while Comet star was soon acknowledged by a purple unicorn,
"Hello there". The purple unicorn hesited, "Hey are you new, I dont don't think I've seen a Pegasus like you around ponyville". "Um I... Uh". Comet was inturupted,
"no matter my name is Twilight Sparkle, what's your's?".
"My..my name is Comet...Comet Star" Comet said looking a bit dazed. "Nice to meet you Comet Star" Twlight said,
"Nice to meet you too Twilight". Craig said smiling.
As Twilight and Comet walked all that was on Comets mind was how this happened, him being a pony and meeting Twilight, "You okay?" Twilight asked Comet.
"Yeah I'm fine just a little dizzy".
"Well my house is close, why don't you rest there". Twilight said, "That would be nice, thank you". Comet said. They walked for about 5 minute's till reaching Twilight's house, But they were greeted by some other ponies on their way to Twi's. "Well here we are, make yourself at home". Twilight said holding the door with magic to let Comet In.
"Spike". Twilight yelled, A green dragon with a purple belly came walking down the stair's. "Yes Twi?" Spike asked, "Spike I would like you to meet Comet star". Twilight said introducing Comet.
Spike looked at the brown coated and red maned Pegasus, "Hello there welcome...are you new to ponyville?" Spke asked,
"Yes very much so, you could say I'm not from around here". Comet said,
"Well where are you from?" Spike asked again, Comet heisted " Um". Comet thought for a second then answerd, "I'm from Marizona". Comet said, "Hmm I'm not sure where that is, well anyway nice meeting you". Spike said shaking his hoof and leaving.
After Comet took a quick nap in twilight's bed he heard a knock on the door, As Twilight opened the door Comet was peeking around the stair's to see who it was. It was Rainbow Dash, "Hello Rainbow what are you doing here?" Twilight asked,
"I wanted to ask you If I can borrow the first book of The Adventures of Daring Do". Rainbow replied. "Okay". Twilight levitated the book over to Rainbow, "Here you go".
"thanks Twili-". Rainbow hesisted. "Uh Twi who's that?" Rainbow said asked,
"That's Comet Star, he's new to Ponyville". Twilight said.
Comet walked down the stairs, "H-hello". Comet said shyly,
"Hey there I'm Rainbow dash but most people call me Rainbow, so your new to Ponyville?".
"Y-yes..I am". Comet said, Rainbow examined Comet noticing he has wing's, "Do you have a place to crash?" Rainbow asked, "Nope", Comet said, "Well do you want to crash at my place in Cloudsdale?" Rainbow asked again,
"Sure!,But there's one problem". Comet said, "Problem?". "I-I don't really know how to use my wing's". Comet said feeling embarrase, "A Pegasus that can't fly, That's unusual". Rainbow said looking at Comet weird,
"I, umm hit my head and kinda forgot how to fly". "Well we can fix that, through Rainbow Dash's Training course". Rainbow said taking Comet out of Twilight's house and flying to the park.
The park was as ordinary as any other park there was a couple bench's alot of tree's and of course ponies playing and running around. "Okay now step 1: Try flapping your wing's up and down".
"Okay". Comet at his suprise flapped his wing's up and down without almost no effort, "Good now step 2: Try jumping and at the same time flap your wing's".
"I'll try". Comet tried a couple times till he finaly jumped and was now hovering above the ground,
"There you see nothing to hard now fly with me to Cloudsdale and Ill show you my house". Rainbow said flying upward to the Cloudsdale, As Comet followed Rainbow Dash he noticed that there wasn't just houses in Cloudsdale but a giant factory with Rainbow's,
"Wow that's an amazing sight, wonder how they make the rainbows". Rainbow finally stopped at a door step of her house. "Here we are home sweet home".
As Rainbow opened the door to her house Comet noticed that everything was made up of clouds, Comet walked in the house and he noticed that he wasn't falling off the cloud, "Hey Rainbow Dash how are we not falling through the cloud?" Comet asked,
"Well I'm not too sure how I guess It's because we're Pegasus". Rainbow answerd. Comet took another glance around the house, the living room was pretty much the same as any other living room. There was a couch, a cloud table and some trophy's displayed on the shelves.
Comet and Ranbow Dash went to the next room was a hallway with two rooms, One was Rainbow Dash's room and the other was a spare room. "You can have this room, It's a spare, my room Is just a couple step's away".
"Thanks Rainbow". Comet said walking Inside the room, Comet got on the bed made out of clouds, "Wow this is soft and firm, better than my my mattress". Comet said talking to himself.
"So what do Pegasus do to pass the time and how would I get a job?" Comet asked,
"Well I usually practice my stunt's but when im working I keep the sky clear if scheduled and make other's make it rain, I can get you a job on my weather team If you want". Rainbow Dash replied.
As Rainbow Dash and Comet Star were leaving the house dash noticed that Comets cutie mark is a blue telescope pointed at a comet, "Hey Comet".
"Yeah?".
"What's your special talent?" Rainbow Dash asked,
"Pardon?". "Your cutie mark". Comet looked at his flank and noticed a blue telescope pointedf at a Comet. "Oh right I study star's, planet's, the moon, and Comets". Comet said. "Oh so you're a astrologist pony?" Rainbow asked,
"Correct". Comet replied, "I'll see If i can get you a job working the Observatory behind the rainbow factory, no one really care's about the observatory, there is only a couple Pegasus that work there, i'll see If I can get you a job". Rainbow said flying off somewhere, leaving Comet by himself.
As Comet flew down from Cloudsdale Comets stomach growled,
"I know I know I'll get some food soon, wonder what they have here to eat?" Comet asked himself. He landed on the ground
and went to find Twilight. "Hey, Twilight". Comet said seeing her walking ,
"Huh, Oh hey Comet whatcha need?". Twilight asked,
"Where a restaraunt I am starving". Comet said as his stomach growled. "Oh right follow me". Twilight said gesturing him to follow her. They both walked past a few houses till they found Twilight's favorite place to eat.
Comet sat down near a table,
"This place has the best daisy sandwich's In Ponyville". Twilight said,
"Daisy sandwich's?" Comet thought to himself, Without warning the waiter pony asked what they wanted, "What would you two be having in this fine evening". The waiter asked with a calm and smooth voice.
"Yes, we would like two daisy sandwich's please". Twilight answerd, "Certainly". The waiter pony said walking away from the table. "Wait I didn't order". Comet said trying to get the waiter's attention,
"I ordered for us you took too long". Twilight said, "Oh, okay". Comet feeling embarrassed.
The waiter pony came back ten minutes later with the sandwich's, He put the tray on the table using his magic,
"Will that be all?" Asked the waiter pony,
"Yes thank you kindly". Twilight said lifting the sanwich from the tray, Comet pulled the tray closer to him so he can reach the sandwich, "Umm, How am I suppose to hold this?". Comet asked,
"Just eat it off the tray". Twilight said with some food In her mouth. Comet did just that, he thought the sandwich would taste horrible due to it being only daisy's on bread but It tasted great. "That hit the spot thanks Twilight". Comet said relaxing, "Your welcome and I noticed something about you".
"What would that be?" Comet asked, "Oh nothing I'll tell you later". Twilight said. Comet got confused on what she meant but that didn't change the fact that he was happy and full.
Twilight paid the bill and they started walking, "Man I didn't think daisy's would taste so good, It might be because of my new taste bud's". Comet thought out loud.
"Wha-"Twilight stopped, "What?" Comet asked stopping. "Havn't you ever had daisy's before?" Twilight said, "Well not exactly". Comet said felling scared that she knew he wasn't from Equestria,
"Don't they have them where you're from?" Twilight asked again, Just then Rainbow Dash flew threw the air and landed between Twi and Comet, "Guess who got you a job at the Pegasus Observatory, this mare right here". Rainbow dash said.
Comet had been working In the Observatory for about 3 weeks now, but he couldn't shake the feeling that Twilight might find out that he's a human. Comet just kept working.
"Spike I'm telling you he's not from here". Twilight said pacing back and forth,
"So he's not from Ponyville what's the big deal?". "No, I'm not talking about ponyville I mean Equestria".. "What makes you so sure he's not form here".
"Well at lunch he said he never had a daisy sandwich before". "And..."Spike said rolling his eye's, "That means he could be form another dimension". Twilight said looking paniced.
Twilight spent the next few week studying Comets behavior, She noticed 3 things about Comet that he couldn't pick anything up with his hoof's and used his mouth instead She also noticed that he only ate daisy sandwich's, The next thing she found surprising was that he had some difficulties using his wings, but still flew. Twilight knew he was different and was going to confront him about It...but not today.
Comet was in his cloud bed sleeping when he woke up panting and frightened,
"Wha-what was that about". Comet had a dream, he was in his car when he tried turning around when a car ran straight into him, He dreamnt of his accident, he wondered how he was here and why. The rest of the night he thought of all the things that could pin point why he was in Equestria, he couldn't think of a reason.
After that night he had these dreams for several weeks and he was thinking he was going mad, he had to tell someone he knew, someone he could trust, he thought and thought names kept pooping In his mind like Lyra, Bon Bon and even Rainbow dash but then he knew, he would tell Twilight about his dreams and why he was here, he would finally be able to tell some(pony)body that he was not from this place.
Comet was nervious to tell Twilight about the whole I'm really a human thing, Comet walked out the front door made of cloud and floated down to the ground, the walk to Twilight's house felt like an eternity but soon found himself at the doorstep of the library. He was about to knock when suddenly the door opened and came a fast walking Twilight almost running into him,
"Hey". Comet said, "Hey". Said twilight. "We need to talk" They both said together.
"You first" Twilight said, Comet took a deep breathe and finally he said It, "I'm a human".
Twilight was shocked to hear what Comet said,
"A-a human?" Asked twilight, "Yes I'm literally not from here I believe I'm from a different dimension, and I've been having these DREAMS". Comet said, "What kind of dreams?" Asked Twilight,
"Well sit down I'll tell you the whole story or as much as I remember". Comet said. Comet gave a whole speech of his dreams and how he got into an accident and he doesn't know why he's here or how.
Comet finshed his speech and waited for Twilight to answer,
"Why didn't you tell anypony this". Twilight asked, "Well I was confused and alone and so I thought that I could try to blend In till I sorted this out but I couldn't so I kept It a secret". Comet felt ashamed to keep this a secret, "So what do you want to do". Twilight said as Comet looked at her confused,
"What do you mean?". "I'm saying do you want to go home or stay?". Twilight asked,
"I don't know". Comet said. "Well there is only one thing to do".. What's that". Asked Comet.
"I'm going to cast a truth spell, this will make you say what your heart desires most".
Twilight casted the spell on Comet and his eye's went cross-eyed and then he spoke what his heart desired, "I want to go home". Comet said while snapping out of the trance, "There you see you want to go home". Twilight said,
"It doesn't matter, I can't get back home I'm stuck here with no way how to get to my dimension", Comet said lowering his head.
"We'll think of something". Twilight said in a re-eshering voice, "Maybe". Comet said.
Comet left the house to leave Twilight to help him get back home,
"Well I'm off to work". Comet flew to the observatory. Twilight looked through her books with some help from spike of course but they couldn't find anything about traveling to other dimensions,
"Spike this doesn't make sense how did Comet get here". Twilight said tossing the last of the books across the room, "I think your overlooking this a bit Twi". Spike said grabbing books and putting them back on the shelf. "What do you mean". Twilight looked at spike.
"Why don't you and Comet go to princess Celestia?" Spike asked putting the last book in place. "Spike your brilliant". Twilight said levitating spike up and hugging him.
After Comet's shift at the observatory was ended he went to go see Twilight and see what she found out, Comet landed right next to library and knocked on the door, "Come In". Comet went In the house.
"So did you find any-". Comet was interupted by Twilight, "Were going to the Canterlot palace". Twilight said pushing Comet out of the house, Twilight closed the door,
"How are we going to get there". Comet asked. "Simple we take the train". Twilight said walking away from the house.
Twilight and Comet walked to the train station, the next stop was to fillydelphia.
"Darn It we're gonna have to wait another hour for the train to come back". Twilight said walking to a ench and sitting. an hour went by for what seemed forever but they both got In the train and was heading out to Canterlot. "So this Canterlot place, how Is It". Comet asked looking through a window,
"Well It's basically a large palace/residential where the princess lives and she will help us get you home". "Oh I get it". Comet said.
After a while of looking out the window and walking around inside the train they were finally at the Canterlot train station, they got off the bus, Comet walked off slowly nervous of what will happen when they send him home, he wondered will It hurt, am I gonna be okay, his mind pondered but kept walking. He followed Twilight, there we so many sophisticated ponies but It didn't matter he was on a mission to go home. They stopped at the palace door, "Halt Identify yourself". The guard pony said with a strong voice,
"He's okay guy's he's with me". Twilight said to the guards, "Alright go on ahead". The guard opened the door and there they walked into a long hallway that had windows but the windows had glass pictures of the mane six and thier achiements against evil.
Once again they were stopped by guards but didn't say anything, they noticed In Twilights eye's she needed to get to the princess, they let them In.
"Oh, hello Twilight, what brings you and your new freind here?" Celestia asked, "Celestia we your help". Twilight said bowing her head down, "Why what happened". Celestia asked again, "we need you to help Comet here to get home, Do you know how?". What ever do you mean?".
"You see princess Comet Is from another dimension, he's a race called human". Twilight answerd. "Humans, hmm strange, I'll see what I can do". Celestia said.
Celestia thought for a second and then had an Idea,
"You said he's from another dimension,correct?".
"Yes, princess". Twilight answered, "Comet go please come here for a second". Celestia said,
"Okay". Comet went up the stair's to were Celestia was. "Now stay still and think of where you want to go In this case to your dimension, okay?".
"Okay". Comet said. Celestia bowed her head and put her horn on Comets head, His eye's started to glow pure white, Celestia bowed her head back up and a gust of wind surrounded Comet and the gust became smaller and smaller until...he vanished.
"What did you do?" Wondered Twilight, "I merely took him back to his dimension by using a very secret spell that only I know". Celestia said, "What's the spell called and can I learn It". Twiligth said running up to her". "In time but for now I cannot tell you for your not ready for It". Celestia said, "Okay, well I'll be seeing you princess, bye", Twilight said walking out of the room, "Bye". Celestia said.
Twilight got back to the library and was hit by an out of control Rainbow dash, "Hey, Twilight". Rainbow looked around, "Were's Comet?" Rainbow asked, "He, umm went back home". Twilight said getting to her hooves, "Oh okay I'll go tell his boss he went back home, See ya Twi" Rainbow dash flew off before Twilight could say anything. Twilight went In the library and went to go take a nap.
Craig woke up panting and looked around,
"Why am I In a hospital?" Craig asked himself, A nurse saw him and immediatly called the doctor, The doctor came running In Craig's room, "Umm excuse me". Craig was interpted by the doctor,
"How are you feeling Craig?" The doctor asked, "I feel fine just a headache, where's Neil?" Craig asked, "At home, but you, you were In a coma for a week".
"What?, No I wasn't, I was In another dimension for a year". Craig said In a soft but angry voice.
"Sir you were In a car crash we found you In the car we brought you here as fast as we could, The other person though died".
"What?" Craig settled down on his bed almost crying out In tear's, "call Neil now doctor,
"Right away" the doctor said leaving his room and walking to a phone.
When Neil heard the news that Craig was awake he got to the hospital as fast as he could, Neil spotted Craig standing and getting dressed,
"Craig!, your alive". Neil said hugging said as he cried,
"Neil, I'm fine the doctor said I can leave today If I want, can you drive me home".
"Oh course". Neil said wiping his tear's away. Craig signed out of the hospital and left the hospital. when they got home he told Neil that he went to another dimension but Neil didn't believe him, Beth was sitting on the couch and instantly ran to him hugging and crying on Craig,
"I'm fine". Craig said.
"Everyone I need to tell you a true story of what I went through". Everyone sat down on the couch and Craig explained everything to what he witness and went through. They didn't believe him, they thought he was crazy and told him to go take a nap.
It was midnight when he came home even though nobody believed him Craig knew he was In ponyville, In Equestria and he would never forget it. Although he did have a strange craving for Daisy sandwich's. In the morning he lived his life as anyother person did he got up, went to work, got home, oh and ate daisy sandwich's In front of Neil. Which he thought was strange but he just happy he was back and healthy again.
The End.
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pegasus
Ah man, this is so going to be pummeled with hate.
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You...really need a pre-reader here, vinyl soul.
I mean you're trying, so I can't fault you for that, but you really need someone to show you the ropes.
1213420
It doesn't help that this is an HiE story which are a dime a dozen. At least he's making an effort, though.
Like I said, though, he needs to show this to someone before he shows it everyone else, if you know what I mean.
Not my kind of story and has a lot of mistakes, but I got your back Vinyl Soul. I'd rather have these kind of stories than the pretentious crap that the haters put out and get infinite likes just for existing.
1213476 I know what you mean.
images.wikia.com/halofanon/images/8/8a/Rsz_1rsz_happy-i-see-what-you-did-there-_clean_-l.png
1213494
This story's probably going to get bombed to China. What makes it worse is hardly anyone will give a reason other than 'it sucks.'
Now I'm not going to candycoat it - this is bad, but with a fair bit of work and help, it can be made better.
Is the author even interested in criticism? Or is this the best story ever? Would be nice to know.
Ugh...
I am just going to correct your description here. I'll leave others to advice.
Oh- one thing actually. The whole "car crash, wakes up in Equestria" has been done before.
"Craig Baker gets in a car crash and wakes up in Equestria as a pegasus."
capitalize your title.
You're welcome
*Waits for this to be disliked to oblivion*
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I'm going to leave a choo choo right here, and come back to crit you once I'm done reading.
*steps up to podium, pulls out stack of paper, puts on reading glasses* CHOO CHOO MUDDAFUKKA
>Title: "A new pony In Equestria"
>Doesn't capitalize "New", "Pony", or "Equestria", which are SUPPOSED to be capitalized.
>Capitalizes "In", which is NOT supposed to be capitalized
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Onto the story to give more greentext...
>Horrible capitalization
>Horrible grammar and spelling
>Horrible punctuation
>Doesn't create a new paragraph when a new person speaks
>Brony in Equestria (...Right?)
>Twilight and Rainbow Dash immediately like him (At least it's not all of the mane 6)
>WTF is that ending?
In conclusion, this sucks.
So, CHOO CHOO, MOTHERFUCKER.
okay so i can say that this story i didn't particularly like even though its mine i'm not good at making plots not very good at detail so all in all i didn't care about the story (well i kinda did) for me it was a project to see if I can make a story not be rushed and i can see that rushing a story is i guess my style. i did not let anyone check it only because i wanted it to be a one shot deal type of thing, and one last thing the whole "car crash and waking up to equestria" i've have yet to read a story like that but im gonna say theres alot as i can see and i highly doubt that i will be making another story (well by myself) and i wrote this one at night so ya not good idea, but all in all this story got alot more comments and views than my other story in a short amount of time and so im glad that people actually will sit down and read this, so i thank you
oh one more thing i'll be deleting this after my friends read it so i guess your welcome......
1213788
For gods sake man, break up your sentences. Learn to use a "," and connective words (other then 'and').
1213818
I'll give you a thumb for pursuing a dream, but you need a proofreader. I'll keep an eye on you though.
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Your reckoning has arrived!
All around:
Most unoriginal idea in the whole entire bronyverse! How many freaking times have we seen this?
Walls of text.
Formatting is nightmare.
There isn't a single period at the end of the speech dialogues. Periods are your friends!
Sentences are just... horrifying.
You need to put spaces after the quotation has ended.
You must capitalize the first word after you have a character speak.
"Sweetums, you've been holding back on me. Who's your coltfriend? Do I know him?" Rarity asked persistently.
"Well, ya, you know him. He comes to the shop sometimes." Sweetie Belle lowered her eyes to her tea cup.
"Oh, well that limits the list down to... Spike?" Rarity started choking on her own tea, "Sweetie Belle, have you fallen head over hooves for Spike?"
"Ya, the problem is that I don't know if he likes me." The younger sister slumped down. Rarity sighed and went over to the other side of the cafe table. hugging her little sister.
"Don't worry, ohh weddings are such romantic places. You must ask him to dance with you during the reception. I made sure your dress will survive a little waltz.." Rarity grinned, "Little Spikey Wikey and my sister, you two would make such a cute couple." She told herself.
"That's exactly what Scoots and Applebloom said." Sweetie Belle muttered, taking a sip of her tea and knowing that her secret was out.
See all those capitalizations? See them? And then see the periods at the end of the sentences? You need them.
Now. Enter zee Grammar house of horrors. Today I brought a special guest. Twilight Sparkle.
Of course Twi, go ahead.
Thanks. I did a head desk when I saw that.
Anyway, back to the review.
Yes, ok. As I was saying.
Oh really. Looks like somepony's in love.
Look at this then.
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I do apologize for my helper. I'll try to keep this civil.
Fav moment.
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Gah, I'll do the rest later. Need to read a textbook to regain some intelligence.
Well, that really needs some work.
WHOOSH!
Edit: Part 2 later tonight. Stay tuned.
"I wasn't even trying"
"This was a big joke"
"I was high/drunk while writing"
"This was a stupid idea that I decided to write and post"
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No, people do write this because they can't think of anything better. They can't even try to take ideas from the cream of crop. They go picking through the shittiest stories on here that give them 'inspiration'. Shit inspires shit I guess.
So this is going to be taken down soon?
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Hunter C. Creed
Hahaha ^ thats awesome thank you thorlol sometimes i get telescope and microscope confused i also love the pictures ill get to fixing it later(got homework)
I would like to say this do you know how hard it is to make a an original idea? And no i was not poking around to get inspiration i dont get inspired easily anf yes i do know this is crap
1214304
. There are still human in Equestria stories that are called original but were published recently, but that's because it adds something different.
The problem is that a quarter of the fanfics here are pretty much 'brony dies and finds himself in Equestria'. And they pretty much follow the exact storyline you have.
Okay, one of the many challanges i have personally is making a plot and getting ideas the most recent though would be dialog, and yes i do need to proof read but most of the time i dont have timr ad when i do its at night
1214435
southlandchristian.org/assets/images/series-theres-an-app-for-that-banner.jpg
Well. Not an app exactly but ask someone to proof read it for you. They can fix the grammar mistakes for you.
I dont know im not cut out to be a writer ill just have an open mind and see what im actually good at that people will like. but i wont stop writing and no i decided not to delete it
OKAY well i edited all the errors in the story happy now?
1215323
Er... While it's better, you still got some work to do, mate. There are capitalization and punctuation errors everywhere. I don't have time to do a full run-through right now, but you know what I'd do if I were you? Head on over to Ponychan's /fic/ and find the Writer's Training Grounds. You might be able to get some help there.
I also commend you for taking criticism positively, and without snark.
You're on your way!
-Dubs Rewatcher, TWE Grunt