• Member Since 4th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 22nd, 2023

vinyl soul

vinyl soul Joined 4th Apr, 2012 · Offline

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Craig baker get's into car crash and wakes up In ponyville as a Pegasus.
Chapters (2)
Complete Published: Sep 3rd, 2012 Download
4,664 words
Comments ( 29 )
SuperGiantRobot
SuperGiantRobot #3 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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You...really need a pre-reader here, vinyl soul.

I mean you're trying, so I can't fault you for that, but you really need someone to show you the ropes.

SuperGiantRobot
SuperGiantRobot #4 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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1213420

It doesn't help that this is an HiE story which are a dime a dozen. At least he's making an effort, though.

Like I said, though, he needs to show this to someone before he shows it everyone else, if you know what I mean.

05rune
05rune #5 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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Not my kind of story and has a lot of mistakes, but I got your back Vinyl Soul. I'd rather have these kind of stories than the pretentious crap that the haters put out and get infinite likes just for existing.

SuperGiantRobot
SuperGiantRobot #7 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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1213494

This story's probably going to get bombed to China. What makes it worse is hardly anyone will give a reason other than 'it sucks.'

Now I'm not going to candycoat it - this is bad, but with a fair bit of work and help, it can be made better.

Kaldanor
Kaldanor #8 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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Is the author even interested in criticism? Or is this the best story ever? Would be nice to know.

Church
Church #10 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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I am just going to correct your description here. I'll leave others to advice.

Oh- one thing actually. The whole "car crash, wakes up in Equestria" has been done before.

"Craig Baker gets in a car crash and wakes up in Equestria as a pegasus."

capitalize your title.

You're welcome :twilightsmile:

The Producer
The Producer #12 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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I'm going to leave a choo choo right here, and come back to crit you once I'm done reading.

Night Sky
Night Sky #13 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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*steps up to podium, pulls out stack of paper, puts on reading glasses* CHOO CHOO MUDDAFUKKA

Goldy
Goldy #14 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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>Title: "A new pony In Equestria"
>Doesn't capitalize "New", "Pony", or "Equestria", which are SUPPOSED to be capitalized.
>Capitalizes "In", which is NOT supposed to be capitalized
rlv.zcache.com/table_flip_flipping_rage_face_meme_flyer-p244517498464992701bfpe8_400.jpg
Onto the story to give more greentext...
>Horrible capitalization
>Horrible grammar and spelling
>Horrible punctuation
>Doesn't create a new paragraph when a new person speaks
>Brony in Equestria (...Right?)
>Twilight and Rainbow Dash immediately like him (At least it's not all of the mane 6)
>WTF is that ending?
In conclusion, this sucks.
So, CHOO CHOO, MOTHERFUCKER.

vinyl soul
vinyl soul #15 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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okay so i can say that this story i didn't particularly like even though its mine i'm not good at making plots not very good at detail so all in all i didn't care about the story (well i kinda did) for me it was a project to see if I can make a story not be rushed and i can see that rushing a story is i guess my style. i did not let anyone check it only because i wanted it to be a one shot deal type of thing, and one last thing the whole "car crash and waking up to equestria" i've have yet to read a story like that but im gonna say theres alot as i can see and i highly doubt that i will be making another story (well by myself) and i wrote this one at night so ya not good idea, but all in all this story got alot more comments and views than my other story in a short amount of time and so im glad that people actually will sit down and read this, so i thank you :twilightsmile:

vinyl soul
vinyl soul #16 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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oh one more thing i'll be deleting this after my friends read it so i guess your welcome......

WrathOfGod519
WrathOfGod519 #17 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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1213788
For gods sake man, break up your sentences. Learn to use a "," and connective words (other then 'and').

funkyferret
funkyferret #18 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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1213818
I'll give you a thumb for pursuing a dream, but you need a proofreader. I'll keep an eye on you though. :twilightsmile:

Thorlol
Thorlol #19 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/246/d/4/choo_choo_motherfucker_by_thorlol-d5dggjp.jpg
Your reckoning has arrived!

All around:
Most unoriginal idea in the whole entire bronyverse! How many freaking times have we seen this?
Walls of text.
Formatting is nightmare.
There isn't a single period at the end of the speech dialogues. Periods are your friends!
Sentences are just... horrifying.
You need to put spaces after the quotation has ended.
You must capitalize the first word after you have a character speak.
"Sweetums, you've been holding back on me. Who's your coltfriend? Do I know him?" Rarity asked persistently.
"Well, ya, you know him. He comes to the shop sometimes." Sweetie Belle lowered her eyes to her tea cup.
"Oh, well that limits the list down to... Spike?" Rarity started choking on her own tea, "Sweetie Belle, have you fallen head over hooves for Spike?"
"Ya, the problem is that I don't know if he likes me." The younger sister slumped down. Rarity sighed and went over to the other side of the cafe table. hugging her little sister.
"Don't worry, ohh weddings are such romantic places. You must ask him to dance with you during the reception. I made sure your dress will survive a little waltz.." Rarity grinned, "Little Spikey Wikey and my sister, you two would make such a cute couple." She told herself.
"That's exactly what Scoots and Applebloom said." Sweetie Belle muttered, taking a sip of her tea and knowing that her secret was out.
See all those capitalizations? See them? And then see the periods at the end of the sentences? You need them.

Now. Enter zee Grammar house of horrors. Today I brought a special guest. Twilight Sparkle.

:twilightsmile: Hi

Intro

"Wake up,wake up craig Capitalize name!" said a mysterious voice, Wake up! Quotation marks Craig got scared and fell off his bed. "what do you want Neil!?" For the love of all that is holy does any one know that you're supposed to FREAKING START A NEW PARAGRAPH WHEN A NEW CHARACTER SPEAKS said craig Capitalize name, again angry from falling. Neil is Craig's roomate He is 29 years old with long black hair. And the inevitable tense change "It's almost 10:00 P.M", "Oh crap! why didn't you wake me up earlier!?" Craig said hurrying to get dressed. Craig slept more than anyone in his family, He is also 27 years old with brown/red hair More tense change, huzzah!, "well i..uh..." Where is the capitalization? Craig interupted Neil, "Never mind that thanks for getting me up" Craig said while getting his lunch he made before hand then he was right out of the door.

Craig nearly hit his mailbox he was such in a hurry, "Okay It's 10:11 P.M i still have enough time to get to the Observatory" Craig said to himself. Craig got to his car and started It up. As Craig was driving he poped popped his favorite mix CD named "Sounds of Music", Craig was rocking out, but not too much since ghe Spelling error was driving. Craig passed the old school then the pet park, "maybe capitalization I should bring Neil here since he act's acts, not act is like a dog sometimes" Craig said with a chuckle. Craig merged to the left then took the exit to the Observatory.
when Craig got In the building craig Capiatlize was not greeted by anyone he simply just went to his work place, Which was a big open area with a giant microscope No. No. No. No. NO. NOOOO..

:twilightangry2: Excuse me while I hijack this review. I need to tell him something.
Of course Twi, go ahead.
:facehoof: This is a microscope. cloft.co.uk/images/Microscope.jpg
:twilightangry2: I think you meant Telescope. image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00jvTaJUECYfbe/Telescope-F90060M-F80060M-.jpg
Thanks. I did a head desk when I saw that.
:twilightsheepish: Not a problem. I'm always here to help with science!

Anyway, back to the review.

Craig's job was to look through the microscope

:twilightangry2: Telescope!

Yes, ok. As I was saying.

to see If there was any new comet's comets. Not comet's.

:twilightsmile: Unless he means Comet Tail, he's a cute stallion.
Oh really. Looks like somepony's in love.
:twilightsmile: I don't know what you're talking about.
Look at this then.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/230/d/5/twilight_and_comet_by_midnight__blitz-d5bjj8j.png
:twilightblush: Oh, umm... where did you get that? Must have been photoshopped. Had to have been. Ya, you photoshopped it.

I do apologize for my helper. I'll try to keep this civil.

or star's, needs to be plural, referring to many stars, not something that belongs to a single star he would usually just sit around most of the time playing solitare or some other card game. Craig has only worked at the Observatory for almost 5 month's and still hasn't seen anything out of the ordinary. While craig capitalize was looking through the telescope he saw something, "Is that a new planet!?" Craig said with excitement, After about a minute he realized that It was only a speck of dust, "Darn It I really thought I had something here" Craig said with dissapointment, "Oh well maybe tomorrow".
"Hey Craig wake up you gotta see this" Make us know that this is at a different time, which it is Niel said while shaking Craig till he finally said something. "what's so important...can you stop shaking me im awake" To nail it into your head. Each. Time. A. New. Character. Speaks. You. Start. A. New. Paragraph. Craig said felling a little dizzy from Niel's wake up. "Check this show out, now bare It's bear. Bare with me means get naked with me. with me it has ponies in it" Niel said turning on the T.v. When Niel finally stopped channal surfing a show popped up saying "my Little Pony:Frienship is magic". "What is this Niel" Craig looking confused, "Bare with me It's a pretty good show just give it a chance", "Alright alright I'll try to watch it" Craig said waving Niel out of his room.
A couple hours went by till Niel came back to check up on Craig and seeing if he liked the show. "Craig so how do you-" Niel was interupted by Craig singing the main theme, "...oh hey Niel" Craig said feeling embarassed, "I take it you like the show"?, "Yes" Craig said, "well I shall leave you alone, I need to get to work" Niel said while closing Craig's door. When Craig was done watch watching "My Little Pony" Craig plopped on his bed and slept till Niel came back.
the next day was bright, but not too bright, Some clouds were overhead, Craig was doing his chores around the house and Niel was sleeping, Craig stopped what he was doing when he heard the phone ring. Craig picked up the phone, "Hello"? Craig said, "Hey Craig i'm gonna be alittle a little, not alittle late today, I had to fill in for a guy so ill I'll be home somewhere after midnight, Okay"? Niel said waiting for craig's Capitalize reply. "Yeah sure I'll probably be asleep anyway", "Alright, well i got to go bye", "bye" Craig said. Then he hung up. "Well back to doing chares". Chores
"Now that I'm finally done with chores what shall I do now"?,Craig said looking at the clock."hmm, I guess I'll just watch some My Little Pony for a while then go take a nap". "knock,knock", C.A.P.I.T.A.L.S. And spaces for that matterA mysterious It's mysterious but he knows who it is? female voice said while knocking on the door. "huh?" Craig said just waking up from his nap, "Craig you home?" The female said, Craig opened the door to find his neighbor Beth. "Hi,what are you doing here"? Craig said alittle confused, "some of your mail got into my mailbox so here you go", Beth handed Craig his mail, "Thank's" hanks. Not thank's,Craig said , "Oh and Craig" Beth said, "Ya"?, "Would you like to get something to eat later..together" ellipsis fail. Should be three dots and a space before the next word. Beth said feeling alittle a little timid. "Sure,how space after word about tomorrow at the new french cafe"? Put the question mark back in the quotation Craig said with a smile, "Sounds good well bye",Beth said. "Bye", Craig closed the door and thought, "Did someone just ask me out"?. Put the question mark back in the quotation
The day was the day, Craig was about to go on a date. "Hey Niel how do I look"? Put the damn quotaion mark back in the damn box Craig asked posing, wearing a tux, "Hmm, I think you look sharp but that might be too much i mean It's just a cafe", space Niel said, "Ya you're probably right I'l go put on something else". "How about this", Craig said wearing a white T-shirt with a brown jacket and blue jeans, "Perfect",Niel said with thumbs up. "Well I'm off,bye" Craig walked out the door to his car.
Craig started his car and backed up from his garage and then he was off. "I should probably give beth Capitalize some roses on my way to the cafe", Craig said with a smile. Craig stopped at a flower shop, "Yeah beth Capitalize is going to love these",Craig said smelling the flowers. Craig bought the flowers and headed off to his car. Craig drove soon to find out that the shortcut to the cafe was undergoing maintance, "Ahh man now I got to take the long way", Craig turned around and soon found himself in the way of a speeding car. The speeding car went head-on into craig's Capitalize car.
Craig didn't know what hit him all he remembers is a car and a huge impact Tense change, Craig was now disoriented from the impact he could barely hear and see, his vision hazzy and he couldn't move, he was sure his spine waas was broke. All Craig could hear were people screaming and calling for help,Craig didn't know what was happening, he then heard the ambulance and sirens and all he could think was how was this happening to him and why, then Craig's mind went blank and he lost conciseness.

Fav moment.

As Graig was driving he poped his favorite mix CD in...

fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/247/5/1/images__2__by_thorlol-d5dl0wr.jpg

Gah, I'll do the rest later. Need to read a textbook to regain some intelligence.
:twilightoops: Well, that really needs some work.

WHOOSH!

Edit: Part 2 later tonight. Stay tuned.

Spyderslicer
Spyderslicer #20 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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"I wasn't even trying"
"This was a big joke"
"I was high/drunk while writing"
"This was a stupid idea that I decided to write and post"
i.imgur.com/iI9dQ.gif
No, people do write this because they can't think of anything better. They can't even try to take ideas from the cream of crop. They go picking through the shittiest stories on here that give them 'inspiration'. Shit inspires shit I guess.

So this is going to be taken down soon?
whatgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/funny-gifs-mfw-i-see-boobs-in-real-life.gif

Hunter C. Creed

vinyl soul
vinyl soul #21 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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Hahaha ^ thats awesome thank you thorlol sometimes i get telescope and microscope confused i also love the pictures ill get to fixing it later(got homework)

vinyl soul
vinyl soul #22 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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I would like to say this do you know how hard it is to make a an original idea? And no i was not poking around to get inspiration i dont get inspired easily anf yes i do know this is crap

Thorlol
Thorlol #23 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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1214304
The problem is that a quarter of the fanfics here are pretty much 'brony dies and finds himself in Equestria'. And they pretty much follow the exact storyline you have. :ajsleepy:. There are still human in Equestria stories that are called original but were published recently, but that's because it adds something different.

vinyl soul
vinyl soul #24 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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Okay, one of the many challanges i have personally is making a plot and getting ideas the most recent though would be dialog, and yes i do need to proof read but most of the time i dont have timr ad when i do its at night

Thorlol
Thorlol #25 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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1214435
southlandchristian.org/assets/images/series-theres-an-app-for-that-banner.jpg
Well. Not an app exactly but ask someone to proof read it for you. They can fix the grammar mistakes for you.

vinyl soul
vinyl soul #26 · Sep 4th, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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I dont know im not cut out to be a writer ill just have an open mind and see what im actually good at that people will like. but i wont stop writing and no i decided not to delete it

vinyl soul
vinyl soul #27 · Sep 4th, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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OKAY well i edited all the errors in the story happy now?

Dubs Rewatcher
Dubs Rewatcher #28 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · · Blending In ·
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1215323
Er... While it's better, you still got some work to do, mate. There are capitalization and punctuation errors everywhere. I don't have time to do a full run-through right now, but you know what I'd do if I were you? Head on over to Ponychan's /fic/ and find the Writer's Training Grounds. You might be able to get some help there.

I also commend you for taking criticism positively, and without snark. :raritywink: You're on your way!

-Dubs Rewatcher, TWE Grunt

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