David Mason was rifleman in the trench's of the great war, after surviving three years of war he must learn to live in equestria while overcoming shellshock with a pony that has regrets to princess Luna.
Rolling his head over towards her his eyes nearly closed as he replied his voice as weak as before “my lungs are still healing I was a tad low in gas attack, took in a breath or two of chlorine before I finally got my mask on. As for my heart there is nothing wrong with it, if you check my disc you’ll find in my report I was born with two”
He not a conjoined twin the only natural way so he could have a disease cardiomyopathy but that's highly unlikely.
Interesting, but it needs a editor and a ton of corrections BAD. No real author with any amount of respect for their self and work would release a story in this condition. I'd seriously think of taking it down, fix it up right, then repost.
Mistakes happen, we're only human, but the magnitude of errors in this shows pure laziness on your part to check what you type before you post.
I dunno. Dialogue grammar needs a lot of work, even if it's still easily readable. Run-on sentences are common and some of them are in paragraphs large enough it's hard to digest...
I'd recommend taking a look at this guide, not all of it, not even I've done that. Mostly you need to just skip through the dialogue section. But heck, I'd still recommend skimming through the relevant parts that need the most improvement, which I'm sure some of your readers have had to have pointed out by now.
I see you've gotten Grammarly, but I tell ya that isn't the be-all-end-all. I got the premium version, and yet I'm still spending half an hour editing. But yes, it does make life just that little bit easier, the occasional false-positive it gives excluded.
10870138 Have ya tried the proofreading group? Just follow the instructions and message the editor if they're available. It's how I got mine.
Good Chatter I give it a 10 of 11
Uhhh
Punctuation and proper capitalization, have you heard of it? Get eine editor.
He not a conjoined twin the only natural way so he could have a disease cardiomyopathy but that's highly unlikely.
Interesting, but it needs a editor and a ton of corrections BAD. No real author with any amount of respect for their self and work would release a story in this condition. I'd seriously think of taking it down, fix it up right, then repost.
Mistakes happen, we're only human, but the magnitude of errors in this shows pure laziness on your part to check what you type before you post.
What the hell did I just read?
Ehhhhh..... mmmm...
I dunno. Dialogue grammar needs a lot of work, even if it's still easily readable. Run-on sentences are common and some of them are in paragraphs large enough it's hard to digest...
I'd recommend taking a look at this guide, not all of it, not even I've done that. Mostly you need to just skip through the dialogue section. But heck, I'd still recommend skimming through the relevant parts that need the most improvement, which I'm sure some of your readers have had to have pointed out by now.
I see you've gotten Grammarly, but I tell ya that isn't the be-all-end-all. I got the premium version, and yet I'm still spending half an hour editing. But yes, it does make life just that little bit easier, the occasional false-positive it gives excluded.
10870138
Have ya tried the proofreading group? Just follow the instructions and message the editor if they're available. It's how I got mine.
You need a proof reader, it's all I can truthfully say -- not trying to be overly rude or anything.
Don't get me wrong, though; this story has good potential.
This is most intriguing
"We will watch your career with utmost interest" - Palpatine