Cars are still parked outside. If the rapture had happened, why was it unrecognizable? Why was the sky blue? Why did no one tell me? Do these things not announce themselves?
Nurse Redheart has a rather strange holiday tradition. Every Hearth's Warming, she hikes up a mountain to take in the cold, frigid air. But this time, there's more on the line. This time, she isn't alone.
This was written for NeirdaE as a part of Jinglemas 2020! For more information about Jinglemas, checkout our group!
Edited by the Great and Powerful WishComeTrue, rice and Flashgen.
Page generated in 0.083 seconds
Total duration
769 users online
591,518 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
What a lovely little tale. This feels surprisingly cozy, despite the high stakes. Well done, Red.
This story is wonderful. You've managed to do that Red Parade thing where you've paired two ponies I never would've considered pairing, and now I can't imagine them as anything other than friends. Great work as always.
Ya done good.
First of all, as a fan of Mayday Parade, I love the title. It's clever and fits the story nicely.
You do a wonderful job of describing the natural environments that surround the characters! There are some especially beautiful similes and metaphors that I like, including this one.
You also provide a significant amount of depth to two background characters, something that isn't easy to do. I like the backstory choices you made and the way in which a large portion of this depth and backstory is shown through interactions between Redheart and Night Glider at various and appropriate times throughout the story.
I have a bit of technical feedback that accompanies this praise and if you're interested, I can provide it.
Overall, this is a great work. I look forward to your future stories! :)
10605289
Haha, glad you liked it, and nice catch on the title!
I’d love to hear any thoughts and feedback you may have. Thanks for reading!
10605314
Here's some of the feedback I had after reading.
I was a bit confused about how Redheart and Night Breeze were able to see in the darkness during the initial portion of the search. I imagined that they were using flashlights, and this was proven correct by explicit mention of them later in the story. However, I feel like mentioning flashlights early on, perhaps including them in the supplies, would have made this detail more obvious and contributed to the mood.
There was also one section of dialog that felt a bit awkward to me.
The phrase "after all" is used by Redheart here, and she uses it again just a few lines later.
"After all" doesn't contribute much to the meaning of either line of dialog, and I feel that eliminating one of the phrases could help the dialog feel more concise and natural.
In terms of the overall storyline, I feel that there could have been a bit more internal reflection and reaction in the moments after Wishing Well was rescued. It works fine as is, but in my opinion, adding a few more paragraphs would provide more characterization to Night Breeze and Redheart and give the transition into the final scene more flow. I will say though that the brevity of the rescue scene itself lends itself well to showing the way Redheart's mind processes the event.
I know that these are fine details I'm commenting about, but it's only because this story is very well-written. I hope that my feedback helps!
10605924
Some good points, I'll definitely take these into consideration. Thanks for your thoughts!
I had this slight feeling of suspicion (or was it suspense?) throughout most of the fic, but once I realized what it was building to at the end I can say that I truly enjoyed this story, and that's it's a cute addition to any bookshelf.
Definitely low-energy and slow buildup in the story, but it's done in a very calming and relaxing way once you get over the fear of something immediately bad happening.