• Member Since 25th Oct, 2020
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The most important days in your life are the day you're born, and the day you find out why.

T

Five years of being on wholesome adventures and travels around the world let Flame Thrower prove to himself that he's not a weak and ordinary type of pony, which resulted in him gaining his cutie mark. The blue pegasus is returning to his hometown – Cloudsdale, where he left his family and his old life. How his family will react upon seeing that a lost member of their family is back? Does he finally settle what, from now on, he wants to achieve in his life? What, or better, who he meets on the way? Does it involve facing the past and new challenges? Read and see yourself!

Story about Rainbow Dash's brother, who cames back after years of being on the trip around the world to prove himself that he's something more than an average pegasus with blank dreams.

WARNING: First-ever written & published online story by me! There might be some grammar mistakes or poorly used sentences. All in all, do not hesitate to show your feedback to make this story, as well as my future stories, much better!

Romance tag and other characters are for future chapters! :trixieshiftright:

Without further ado,
Enjoy the story! :twilightsmile:

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 3 )

Hey! I gave the first chapter of your story a read and thought I'd give you some feedback. :) This story has a lot of potential, and I'd love to help you improve on future chapters.

My first comment is that I think you could add more description to the environments that surround Flame Thrower. Take, for example, the opening of the story.

When a blue Pegasus saw the precious land below the sky, it almost overwhelmed him by the number of memories to the point that he would stop somewhere and give in to the old memories. However, that was not a priority.

What does the land look like? What is Flame Thrower looking at beneath him?

When Flame Thrower enters the bar, what is he seeing? What does the bar look like?

Just by looking at some of them, you could tell they were having a pretty good time.

I think you could show some action here. Are the ponies in the bar laughing? Dancing? Singing?

Overall, I think adding a bit more description would help provide a stronger sense of place and give readers more of a reason to become immersed both in the world you are presenting and Flame Thrower's character. Adding description would also help break up some of the dialog.

My second comment is that I really enjoyed the structure of the story! The flashbacks, especially the first one, provide nice context for Flame Thrower's character. The first flashback is a very powerful scene that shows a pivotal moment in Flame Thrower's life, and I like how you framed it as a story to Thunderlane.

You also do a good job showing character through dialog. The way Flame Thrower talks to Thunderlane is different from the way he talks to his parents. You can also tell from Flame Thrower's dialog that he has a bit of Dash's arrogance, and that, as mentioned in the story, he doesn't like to get emotional.

You mentioned in the story's description that there would be some grammatical errors. Though they don't detract from the overall story you are trying to tell, I want to provide you with some advice for fixing grammatical issues in the future. My first piece of advice is to read. Read a lot. Stories on this website are okay, but published novels or non-fiction sources would probably be of more benefit. Pay attention to how other authors place words in a sentence. Another piece of advice is to read parts of your story out loud. Sometimes, when you read your work out loud, you will hear grammar mistakes that you would have missed otherwise. Finding a proofreader or editor can also help you polish your writing.

Overall, the pieces are in place for a good story, and I'm looking forward to future chapters!

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Thank you so much for the feedback! :twilightsmile: I really appreciated that, and for sure, I'll use this advice as soon as I start writing the second chapter!

OH!

Guess I'm required to read this now.

Be back in half an hour!

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