The Discordant Days of Discord The Draconequus

by Roxxi

Celestia's Suspicions, Part 2 -or- I Can't Believe It's Not Evil!

“Hmmm… this list may be slightly more difficult to fulfill than I had originally planned; I mean honestly, what pony in this humdrum town would be caught with spear guns, torches, and crossbows? I mean, I can see how a bobsled would be feasible, but the crossbow? Not from these peace preaching ponies,” Discord said then put a claw to his chin thoughtfully. “I wonder if that delightfully charming griffin is still here….” He looked over his list as he wandered aimlessly about Ponyville, occasionally glancing up to make sure he wasn’t about to walk into something or somepony.

Normally, this would prove to be an effective way to avoid an accident, but Marephy’s Law tends to trump precaution.

In the midst of fighting to read his own unfortunately awful scribbling, Discord collided into a much smaller figure, sending the smaller figure tumbling to the ground while he barely even rocked backwards, and, without so much as glancing away from his list, he mumbled out an apology, “Terribly sorry, my fault, excuse me, other nonsense.”

“Oh no, it was my fault, I was too busy trying to keep all of this junk bundled up together, and I just didn’t pay attention to where I was going, I’m really sorry.” a soft voice all but whispered. Discord looked curiously up from his list and was delighted to see a rosy mane framing a pastel yellow pegasus’s face.

“Oh my, as I live and inhale oxygen while alternately exhaling carbon dioxide, if it isn’t the Element of Kindness, one Miss Fluttershy,” Discord said, pulling the timid mare to her hooves and shook one in his claws. “What brings you to the civilized world and away from your wild wonderland?” he asked and Fluttershy shrunk visibly.

“N-nothing… just… just getting rid of a few things I don’t need, nothing special. No timberwolf related activities, not from me, no sir.” she replied quickly as she tried to conceal the tarp covered wagon behind her, which was a rather difficult feat to attempt as the wagon’s secret load towered behind her.

“Mhmm… honestly, you’re almost a worse liar than that farm pony friend of yours. Now, either you can show me what your hiding or I’ll make sure everypony in Equestria knows who you are, and that they constantly follow you around to watch your every move like a mob of obsessed fans.” Discord jokingly threatened with a smile that hinted he could make it happen if she didn’t cooperate.

“E-e-everypony?” Fluttershy squeaked and Discord nodded solemnly.

“Everypony, not a single one forgotten, unfortunately they’ll all-“

WHUMP!

“-probably forget who you are after a day. If you had just let me finish my sentence without so rudely passing out in the middle of the road, you would’ve had nothing to worry about. Admittedly, I’ve never seen anypony faint just from thinking about being watched. Hopefully nopony blames me for this; the last thing I need is another reason for Celestia to demand my re-imprisonment.” He said as he glanced at the now unconscious Fluttershy. Discord looked around, nope, nopony saw it; he was in the clear. He looked at the wagon the pale yellow pegasus had been taking to parts unknown.

Discord thought long and hard, was he prepared to betray the sacred institution that was another pony’s privacy? Could he really stoop so low as to invade her belongings and sort through them with insensitive abandon? Was he really about to defile the purity of her obviously personal secrets?

A wicked grin split his muzzle; the answers were glaringly obvious. “I am, I can, and you bet I am!” Discord cackled and whipped off the tarp covering the wagon with a theatrical flourish.

Discord blinked. Then he blinked again. Several more blinks soon followed, but the image before the stunned draconequus didn’t fade like a desert mirage. The towering load that Fluttershy had so desperately tried to hide in vain was something utterly shocking.

“I… I don’t believe it…” Discord whispered in quiet awe. “But then again, I suppose what they say is true. It’s always the quiet ones,” he added as an afterthought and began to pick through the pile.

“Crossbows… oh! This one still has a quiver of bolts, perfect! What luck, unused torches, I never thought I would see the day when a pony carried weapons and flammable devices through a town like this,” Discord exclaimed gleefully.

Discord froze, a gleaming bolt falling out of his claws. “Hold on a second… where’s…” he said with frown, “bah! I should have known a spear gun would be too much to ask for… tch, typical ponies,” he looked at the mare still out cold on the ground, “I bet you never stopped to consider that somepony might want a spear gun or two when you decided to parade around town with these little stocking stuffers, did you? That wasn’t very kind of you, you know.”

Discord gathered up his pilfered possessions and gave the pastel pegasus another disapproving look.

“Next time I expect you to have spear guns, it’s just plain rude not to take into account that your friends will want spear guns.”

Giving the bulky bundle a toss into the air, the draconequus wiggled his nose and with a puff of smoke, the pile disappeared.

Discord nodded with satisfaction and continued on his way down the streets of Ponyville. There was nothing he loved more, that didn’t involve Luna or Chaos, than a leisurely stroll through the civilian population. He took in a deep breath and sighed contentedly.

“Ah yes, listen the horrified gasps of ponies as they try and hide, feel the stares as they try to comprehend my awesome might! Joyous rapture, thine wondrous charms hath gripped me once more!” he exclaimed giddily as mares and stallions alike would double take as he passed them before running off as fast as they could manage or tripping over themselves with frayed nerves. However, if the champion of chaos had to pick one particular reaction that he found most amusing, it would be the moment when he saw a very large crimson pale at the sight of him and leap backwards into bush with a squeal betraying his masculine size, a pained yelp soon following from what Discord presumed to be a stray cat or dog.

“Discord, you’ve still got it after all these years!” He said gleefully at the spectacle of a full grown stallion practically wetting himself over seeing the draconequus.

Moments Earlier

Celestia’s eyes burned with righteous fury and locked onto Discord as he slunk through her beloved streets, tainting her land with his Discord-ness.

For a moment, the princess lost her focus and blinked. Was Discord-ness even a real word, was prolonged exposure to the monster she was tailing corrupting her senses? She shook her head and quickly put her focus back on Discord; she would simply pass a law making the word real, effectively giving her a small victory over her sister’s captor.

“Come on, reveal your secrets you filthy freak so I can put an end to your deceitful plot against my poor Luna…” Celestia muttered as she watched Discord walk through the streets of Ponyville, as if he actually belonged there instead of being locked away in a porous prison of granite. She’d been following him for around an hour now, since leaving the library, where she witnessed her immortal enemy turning her formerly faithful student Twilight against her, but he hadn’t done anything too suspicious. Yet.

She had half a mind to confront him now and get it over with while he was unaware and, was prepared to charge, when she saw the dastardly demon throw Fluttershy, the fragile little dear, to the ground. The sight made her blood boil, such a callous act of cowardice, attacking a defenseless and compassionate mare like the bearer of the Element of Kindness was intolerable. Once again preparing to bring the twisted terror to justice, she was stopped as Discord yanked the poor pegasus to her hooves. She could see that the two were talking; Discord giving her a sinister grin, Fluttershy turning away in what the solar princess assumed to be the appropriate emotion of terror or repulsion, but from her hiding spot, Celestia couldn’t make out exactly what the pair was saying.

Their conversation continued for a few more moments before Discord said something that must have been obscenely despicable because the pastel pegasus fainted dead away and her hated enemy took this as an invitation to dig through Fluttershy’s precious… possessions…

Celestia squinted as she tried to discern whatever the first object Discord took out of the pile was. “Is… is that a crossbow?” she asked in disbelief. She pushed the questions that bubbled in her mind aside as her target sent the pile of mysterious objects away in a cloud of smoke. Celestia crept along the sides of buildings and dove into bushes to hide herself from being seen. Her evasive actions proved to be greatly effective right up until the moment a very large rump sailed through the air and landed squarely on the alicorn’s back, an embarrassingly undignified yelp ringing out from the squashed solar sovereign.

Sweet Apple Acres

“Miss Applejack, I can’t find any other way to say this, but… I need you! I so desperately need you! Please, let me in, let me speak with you and show you how important you are to me,” Discord pleaded with large, soulful eyes as he knelt before a very startled orange earth pony in a brown Stetson.

“Pardon? Ah thought ya’ll had a thing fer the Princess...” Applejack said slowly, a hard glare forming. “Now Ah know ya’ll would never cheat on the Princess, right? Ah swear to Celestia, if yer cheatin’ on that poor gal Luna, Ah’ll personally stomp a mud hole in yer worthless hide, we clear? Now git in here, and start talkin’, or you ain’t gonna have no mouth to speak with,” She growled lowly, stepping aside to let Discord in.

Discord perched himself upon a rocking chair in the corner of the room and gave Applejack a hurt look. “Oh come now, you think I would dare to betray Luna? Celestia would incinerate me before you could even twitch any of your many arguably stallion-esque muscles. No, I merely need a few things to make something special for Luna. It pains me to say it, but I’ve been hard pressed to find it on my own, and your little band of harmonized hippies has proven to be a begrudgingly helpful asset,” Discord said matter-of-factly , snatching at the air and producing a cup of steaming cider for his self. “Cider?”

Applejack smacked herself in the face and snorted irritably. “You can’t show up to somepony’s home and start hollerin’ that you need’em, ponies will get the wrong idea. The barn should have junk lying around that you can have, just don’t come back yelling you love me, alright?” she pushed open the back door and practically threw the draconequus outside.

“The wrong idea? Who would get the wrong idea? That scene was obviously platonic you silly filly!” Discord cackled with glee and skipped off to the barn wearing a frilly skirt, a path of glittering bricks springing up around him with each step.

“Big Mac said Ah was crazy for keeping a crate of extra hard cider under my bed, now who’s crazy? I’m fergettin’ this one way or another…”

Sweet Apple Acres, A Tree

Celestia was boiling with furious rage, this was unforgivable! How many of her supposedly loyal subjects would Discord taint with his disgusting corruption? How many ponies would Discord ensnare into his harem before he was satisfied? None, that was the answer, for she would banish him to the moon locked away in an ever stronger stone prison.

“No, the moon is too close to my precious Lu-Lu, he must suffer for his crimes… the only suitable prison for this scum is the fiery depths of my own dominion, the sun. Discord will burn for countless centuries, if he is lucky.” Celestia said seethingly as she leapt from her hiding spot and stalked towards the Apple family’s home.

Applejack hiccupped and slouched into the couch, giving the bottle in her hoof a tipsy smile, “Cider river take my mind, don’t let his memory torture me -hic- Cider river don’t run dry, yer all Ah’ve got to care of me!” she warbled as her head swayed from side to side.

CRACK!

Applejack tumbled off the couch with a panicked yelp of inebriated confusion as the front door exploded in a shower of burnt wood slivers. The towering form of the solar princess strode imperially into the room and surveyed the room with a blazing glare.

“He isn’t here. Where is he?” she said quietly.

“Yer lookin’ fer the goofy lookin’ feller, right? Ah think… Ah think he… he… zzzzzzz…” Applejack said, trailing off before slumping forward onto the floor, out cold and now useless to Celestia.

Celestia didn’t think it was possible, but she had reached a new level of fury, her hatred and conviction to the obliteration of Discord reaching new depths.

“So you’ve resorted to poisoning my subjects Discord? Is that what you plan to do with my sister as well? I won’t let you… I won’t let you harm my sister!” she bellowed as she charged through the room, blasting apart the wall leading to the barn where Discord had been heading earlier.

The orange farm pony on the floor jerked up with a snort, “The barn! He was goin’ to the- Princess? Musta been a dream... Ah might as well hit the hay again,” She said firmly, or at least as firmly as a drunken mare can manage, and tipped over onto the floor once more, settling back into a comfortable cider fueled coma.

Discord was whistling cheerfully as he rummaged through the mountains of junk that had been left piled haphazardly in the Apple Family barn for decades.

“I knew that darling little lie detector with legs could help me, I might even be able to finish my list in one trip!” he said, tossing a blank canvas into the air, the canvas giving a soft pop as it disappeared. Discord moved aside a rusted plow and squinted to read the faded lettering on a rather large crate. “The Big One… extremely dangerous, keep out of reach of children,” he spun the termite eaten crate around to inspect it, licking the wood deftly as if he could determine its worth that way. “Well, I suppose everypony here is a child in comparison to myself, except perhaps that fossil Granny Smith… come to think of it, I’m not sure anypony knows just how ancient she is.” he tossed the crate into the air with a pop and smiled innocently. “Better safe than sorry, right?” he asked aloud as he threw more seemingly random debris into the air.

“DISCORD! FACE ME AND ACCEPT THE PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR CRIMES!” Celestia roared; a blast of magic erupting from her horn. Discord barely had enough time to drop to the ground to avoid the arcane attack and scramble backwards to get some distance.

Discord frowned; this was wrong, Celestia was early, dangerously early in fact. He had to delay her; everything had to be perfect, precisely perfect. This was the first time the chaos lord had ever needed something to be so perfect, it gave him chills to think about it. Discord could only see one option to save his quickly crumbling plans.

Rising to his feet, Discord nodded solemnly. “If you want to punish me Celestia, I am afraid you will…”

Celestia tensed; this was it, Discord would strike at her, and she would unleash the fury of the sun upon him in self-defense and Luna would be brought around to see things her way at last.

“Have to catch me! Pocket confetti!” Discord cackled and threw a cloud of confetti at the alicorn, the flurry of paper scraps obscuring her view just long enough to give him a head start, a head start he took full advantage of as he bolted through the wall and sped off through the apple orchard.

Celestia roared and charged through the Discord shaped hole in the wall after the fleeing draconequus.

Discord’s mind raced almost as fast as he was, an impressive feat when you considered the searing bolts of magic that were narrowly missing him. Discord was now painfully, thankfully only in a metaphorical sense, aware that Celestia was beyond furious. This was a disaster he didn’t want to happen, one that could potentially jeopardize his entire scheme.

You’re lucky I find you so beautiful Luna, otherwise I wouldn’t be risking incineration ala Celestia; the titan thought as he leapt over a low fence, letting the poor barrier burst into white hot flames instead of his own dashingly handsome self.

Discord clicked his tongue as obnoxiously as he could. “Oh me, oh my! If I didn’t know better, I’d say you actually liked me Celestia. Your aim is deplorable!” he admonished mockingly, earning an animalistic shriek of fury and another barrage of deadly magic from the princess hot on his heels.

“STAND STILL AND TAKE YOUR DEATH LIKE A STALLION YOU COWARD!” Celestia howled, swinging her head back and forth, launching wave after wave of deadly spells at her infuriatingly agile target.

Discord had to split himself in half to escape being roasted by an uncomfortably close shot. “What’s the matter Princess? Is that fat flank of yours weighing you down too much for you to even come close to catching me?” he taunted snidely. As he slid under an overturned tree, he became vaguely aware of a dramatic drop in temperature.

Discord suddenly found himself flat on his back with Celestia standing over him, the ominous silence a deep contrast to murderous look in her eyes.

“Fat… flank.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement, a death sentence. Discord smiled apologetically and pointed to his wrist.

“Will you look at the time? It seems our fun here is over, I’ll tell Luna you send your regards and love. Tell you what; I’ll even give her a big smooch for you, hm?” He grinned lecherously as he sunk into the ground out of sight.

The Solar Alicorn screamed incoherently in unbridled and unmatched furious rage. She let loose a condensed super nova of molten magic as she launched off the ground, a trail of flames racing after her.

Canterlot Castle, Luna’s Room

Princess Luna was huddled over her desk, a pair of tweezers carefully gripped in a haze of magic. “Just… a… little… closer…” she whispered, slowly pushing a crystal humming with energy into a slot in the piece of machinery she had been working on. “So… close…”

“Whatcha doing?” Discord asked cheerfully from over her shoulder.

“Eep! “ Luna shrieked as she lost focus and roughly jammed the crystal into her device. She turned around to see Discord watching her with an amused expression. The alicorn scowled at her love and gave him a soft hit on the chest. “I was working hard on a device to produce light at night so we wouldn’t need candles! I’m going to call it…” she paused for dramatic effect. “a Light Flasher!”

Discord smiled and ushered Luna over to the balcony outside of her room and pointed in the direction of a blazing streak of light that was racing across the sky. “Watch carefully Luna dearest, because in a few seconds, our first date will officially begin!” he said proudly, eliciting a gasp of shock from the alicorn at his side.

“Our first date is today? Oh no, I look terrible! I can’t even remember if I combed my mane this morning!” Luna’s face became as pale as a full moon and she began pacing around the balcony muttering about a wide variety of things that she’d forgotten to do. Discord sighed and pulled her closer to him and rested his chin on her head.

Luna pressed herself against him, but it didn’t help to calm her nerves. If anything, she felt her heart skip a beat at being held so close by somepony who loved her and wasn’t her sister. It was a strange feeling indeed: the feeling of being in the perfect spot, and the feeling of being near something that could break if she so much as breathed on it wrong. A few moments of silence passed between the two before Luna felt she had relaxed enough to speak without sounding like she was melting down.

“Do I look okay? I borrowed several magazines from a friend of my sister’s student, and each one said that looking your best is the key to having a successful date.” Luna said and looked up to meet Discord’s eyes.

“Luna, you look perfect, you always do. Besides, isn’t your mane made of the ethereal energy of the night sky?” he asked with a devilish grin. “I’ve heard of combing the beach, but never have I heard of combing the stars.”

Luna smiled gratefully. “Thank you, I must have looked silly worrying about something so small. When will I find out what you have planned for our date?”

“Just as soon as your sister gets here to murder me,” the draconequus replied cheerfully.

“Oh.”

“Yep.”

“She won’t be there for every date, will she?”

“Only this one Luna, she’s just an important part of this one, that’s all.”

Luna raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say a word.

“DISCORD!” A roar filled the air as Celestia landed on the balcony, the marble floor cracking from the speed of her impact. “I WILL-!”

“Be leaving now, shame you couldn’t stay longer!” Discord said as he pointed at her hooves with a devious smile. “So sorry I had to rope you into helping me ‘Tia.”

The solar alicorn looked down in bewilderment and saw she was standing in the center of a loop of rope. She glared dryly at Discord.

“I hate you.”

Discord winked at Luna and clapped in the air twice, before directing Luna’s attention to a rack of crossbows mounted to the castle walls.

The crossbows all fired off at once, each bolt connected to the rope leading to the loop around Celestia, tightening around her legs and whisking her off the balcony. Celestia flew through the air, as she passed over the gardens a barrage of water balloons raced up to douse her in sparkles and glue, effectively turning her into a glimmering ball of shrieks. She landed with a thump onto a long, bright red bobsled balanced carefully on the back of a statue of a pony in armor. Celestia relaxed for a moment, until she saw a torch burning through a rope tied to the base of the statue, and following the rope with her eyes, she cursed bitterly when she saw it was holding a group of heavy sandbags above the other end of the bobsled.

“Motherbu-” she started to growl out before the sandbags dropped, catapulting her through the air once more.

On the balcony, Discord was barely holding back gleeful snickers of delight while Luna’s jaw dropped as she watched her older sister’s bizarre flight with bewildered amazement. Discord’s eyes widened and he leaned forward over the balcony, Luna following suit.

“Here comes the big finish!”

Luna watched as the glittering speck in the distance that was her sister rocketed towards what seemed to be a sparkling spider web suspended in the air by a sky blue dot with a rainbow mane and a pearly white dot with what appeared to be large butterfly wings. The instant that Celestia collided with the web, the sky erupted into a dazzling fireworks display unlike anything the young princess of the night had even seen before. Spirals of shimmering colors spun in dizzying circles while bolts of neon silver arced through the sky to spell out her name.

Luna was speechless, nopony had ever put this much effort into anything for her. She gaped like a fish and looked from a grinning Discord to the still shining lights in the sky and back again. Discord snapped again and the door to Luna’s bedroom burst open and a trolley rolled onto the balcony, and a pink curl of hair could be seen behind the top of a large covered shape.

“3:01pm, right on schedule, you have incredible punctuality Ms. Pie!” Discord remarked.

Pinkie Pie bounded out from behind the trolley, pushing a table in front the immortal couple, complete with candles, a vase full of roses, a bottle of cider and two glasses. The baker trotted back to the trolley and began tossing an assortment of sweets onto the table, everything from chocolate éclairs to chocolate pudding. Discord nodded at Pinkie intently and she bounced over to the covered object, pulling the tarp off with a flourish and apparently vanishing as the tarp flattened on the floor.

Luna was greeted with the sight of herself, or at least, a statue of herself made purely from-

“Dark chocolate?” Luna asked as she gave the statue an experimental lick. Discord nodded proudly.

“There’s more,” he said, snapping his claws once more to summon two large boxes from the air.

Luna blinked incredulously at the presents. “Are these for me?”

“It’s all for you, it always will be,” Discord said in a hushed voice. “You’re special Luna, and you make me feel… wanted. Loved, even. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to see you smile.”

Luna looked at him hopefully. “Would you give up evil for me?”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Luna, I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”

The boxes popped in a shower of confetti to reveal a guillotine and a small hill of stuffed animals, though animals was a bit generous as most of the plushies were patch works of different animals. Luna threw her arms around Discord and he could feel the young princess trembling.

“Thank you, I love it,” she whispered and the two immortals sat together on the balcony in blissful silence, watching the fireworks show that was still going on above them.

“Why did you get me a guillotine? I mean, I love it, but I simply can’t understand why you would get me something so morbid,” Luna inquired after a particularly loud bang shook the sky.

Discord shrugged his shoulders, “You said you needed a new paper weight, this one just doubles as a letter opener.”

Luna watched the sparkling mass she knew to be her sister drop out of the sky and plummet into the Everfree Forest.

“Will my sister be okay Discord?”

“I’m sure she’s having a wonderful time Luna.”

Everfree Forest, Several Hours Later

“I don’t care if you are a princess; the payment is final for making this mess! You crashed through my room with a blasted canvas, how can I let you go free from this? Grab a broom and a rake, you can’t leave till you fix your mistake!”

Author's Note:

Oh boy, this has been stressing. I am really sorry it took so long it took to get this chapter out, but here it is, Discord's first ever attempt at a date! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, seriously, enjoy it.

A big round of applause to Chaodiurn for proofreading this chapter, being my guinea pig, and reminding me that I forgot to give this chapter a name. It's staying as is because I couldn't figure anything else out, I feel so much shame. Also, a small smattering of applause to ChaoticHarmony and Inferno Demon Dash, they didn't do anything major, but they provided moral support, so good going guys!

Anyways, if there's anything you'd like to see happen, like another date, more Celestia sabotage/stalking, or some relaxing Luna bits, anything at all, just let me know, and if I like it, I'll see if I can swing it.

Read And Review,
Roxxi

Comments

[Hesitant Brony]

A guillotine? I'll admit, I didn't see that coming.
Also, you turned MLP into Tom and Jerry. kudos.

[Roxxi]

I'm a sucker for classic cartons

[Nerfyy]

there will be a sequel?

[Roxxi]

3138349
Explain.

[Inferno demon Dash]

Oh Gods, you are a GENUIS with humor, I laughed so bucking hard, I love it. I notice the small bit of Rainbow Dash and Rarity with her wings when Celestia was sailing through the sky, immortals have all the fun I'm sorry it took me so long to get at this, been a while since I been on this site, I freaking love it all, Celestia being so over protective is just funny as hell...NEXT

[Shadowstalker]

Word cannot explain how much I think this is awesome. No. Words.

[LusitaniaTheBunny]

The end is the best!!! Zecora is best zebra. Also...

MOAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!