Love is a tricky thing, escpecially if you're a lord of chaos trying to be with Celestia's sister.
The Canterlot Castle Gardens are home to some of the most incredible statues in Equestria. They range in subject from great minds of magic such as Starswirl the Bearded to a group of ponies renowned for being the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Of course, every rose has its thorn, and this garden’s most deadly thorn was the stone prison of Discord, a powerful being whose chaotically twisted sense of humor was matched in unusualness by his equally chaotic form, a mix-match of different races. Discord was a terrifyingly sinister tyrant feared and despised by all. All, that is, except a similarly socially outcast soul, Princess Luna.
The Canterlot Castle Gardens are home to some of the most incredible statues in Equestria. They range in subject from great minds of magic such as Starswirl the Bearded to a group of ponies renowned for being the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Of course, every rose has its thorn, and this garden’s most deadly thorn was the stone prison of Discord, a powerful being whose chaotically twisted sense of humor was matched in unusualness by his equally chaotic form, a mix-match of different races. Discord was a terrifyingly sinister tyrant feared and despised by all. All, that is, except a similarly socially outcast soul, Princess Luna.
Discord sighed to himself as the sunset cast a dim glow over his current home in the gardens. Usually he would be ecstatic, well, not exactly ecstatic per say, but he would always be in a significantly better mood. The cause?
Luna… He heaved another mental sigh, it had been weeks since he had last seen the one pony he could even remotely consider a friend. Perhaps she’s grown tired of us, I am a despicable demon whose sole goal in life is the metaphorical toppling of Order into a sea of endless and unbridled Chaos after all… Discord spat bitterly, at least in spirit he did, statues couldn’t spit after all. It wasn’t that he didn’t agree with what society had labeled him as, it was just that… Well it just seemed unfair, but even if it was unfair to him…
We both know it wouldn’t be the first time you were abandoned and hated because somepony thought I was a monster, so I can’t blame her, can we? Discord mused, his old form of speech cropping up again as it had been since Luna’s surprise cease of visitation to his rocky cell. Still, even if he was used to it, he couldn’t deny that he missed having company, having somepony that treated like more than a hunk of granite. Discord thought back to their last conversation, the time he had seen the midnight princess.
Almost 3 weeks Ago
“Good evening Discord, I trust you are faring well in the gardens?” Princess Luna asked the statue before her, not really expecting an answer, but asking out of politeness and custom. Discord smiled softly to himself and called out cheerily to his only friend.
Oh yes, quite well indeed my little Luna, and you? The draconequus asked, even though he knew her response was just an answer to what she thought he would say, and she was usually right.
“I am fine, thank you for asking. I’ve been working all day while I was not busy with court dealing on a way to give you some form of freedom. I must admit though, it is a taxing experiment, I feel so tired when ‘Tia comes to let me know when it is time to raise the moon and watch over Equestria. Rest assured, I am doing everything I can to help your plight, as friends should do for each other. At least, that’s what my sister’s pupil, Twilight Sparkle, told me was customary among friends.” Luna said, giving Discord an apologetic smile as she pulled a pair of daisy sandwiches out of her saddle bag and placed one at the base of his statue.
Such a sweet mare, giving me a snack despite the fact I can’t even taste it, I’m not sure whether to be touched or laugh at the absurdity of it. Perhaps both? HA! Oh it’s so cute and ridiculous, it brings tears to my eyes and giggles to my diaphragm! Discord both laughed and sniffed as Luna took a bite of her sandwich. Discord just watched her and waited for more news of the day’s proceedings. Although, it seemed that she had already launched into a story, he really had to watch that ‘spacing out’ thing.
“…And I told ‘Tia that it was Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie’s fault her throne had been covered in feathers and streamers, but she refused to believe me, so she sat me in a laughably small chair in a corner and told me to think about what I did and why it was wrong. I am still very upset about that, and mark my words I will seek my revenge. In a non-lethal way of course, I certainly don’t want to end up on the moon so soon after returning to my normal self, and I’m sure you understand, right?” The alicorn looked up at him with those deep emerald eyes and Discord felt himself spacing out again, but it didn’t matter this time, he didn’t mind staring at her eyes… Her wings… Her fla-
Discord snapped his own eyes back up to the younger princess’s quickly. Well above the waist Discord, well above the waist. If Celestia found out I had been eyeing her sister’s rump, she would have mine mounted on a wall. He gulped nervously, afraid that the elder of the princess pair somehow had a way to monitor such things.
Given the system of government in effect here, a monarchy and all that, and add the potential of magic listening spells, it’s not too far out of left field to assume that she could be listening. The chaotic lord thought to himself, the fear of punishment driven out momentarily by the prospect of internal debate on any subject. Discord blinked, mentally anyways, and was stunned to find that Luna had gone off into another story without his notice. I’m spacing out so often that you’d think I was the one stuck on the moon for a thousand years.
“…There’s just so much work to be done with my experiments, but I will manage it. After all, if you cannot persevere in your efforts for a friend, then you can never hope to accomplish any task. At least, that is what ‘Tia told me, and she has been around other ponies longer than I, so I assume she’s correct.” Luna tapped her hoof against her chin. “It does seem to be a sound observation… Continuing, I think I am close to a solution to our problems, but as I have previously stated, it is very taxing on myself, the long days I spend working on it, running every possible calculation on any dangerous scenarios to ensure you do not meet an untimely end.”
Untimely end? Discord gulped, a little nervous now, considering the fact that he could ‘end’. It wasn’t a thought he liked to think about, he rather enjoyed thinking he would always be around to spread chaos and influence young minds to be as dastardly as possible. Ending, untimely or otherwise, was not an acceptable event. Er… End how exactly, if I may ask? He asked hesitantly, and it was another instance of Luna happening to say something that answered his question, even if she didn’t plan on it.
“Some of the accidents were dreadful, one statue melted down, another blew itself to smithereens, another turned inside out, a few spontaneously combusted into rainbow colored fire, and there was one instance where the test statue exhibited all the symptoms of the previous test subjects. I would never forgive myself if accidentally caused such a catastrophe to you, you are one of the only living creatures, or previously living creatures, that I can call a friend.” Luna said with a smile, and Discord was torn between panicking about his possible destruction, and sighing happily that she saw him as a friend as well and he wasn’t having more than one pointless hope.
One friend is better than no marefriend I suppose. Discord concluded, then backtracked quickly in his thoughts. Not that I would want a marefriend! I hear they take away your freedom to do as you please and make life unbearable! Horrid thought, horrid indeed!
“Well, I must get back to my work.” She looked at the draconequus with a small smirk. “My sister believes that I have been spending too much time toiling away in my room, and yet complains that I also spend far too much time in the gardens. I keep telling her, ‘’Tia, you cannot have your pastries and consume them as well!’ as the younger ponies say, but she insists that I find a more sociable approach to friendship.” Luna waved a hoof gently as she turned to head back toward the castle.
“Farewell Discord, I will see you tomorrow night, hopefully I…”
He never heard the last part of her call to him, he was busy imagining life outside of the gardens, not by himself ripping apart the fabric of the universe, but life with Luna, spreading relatively less destructive chaos. He would still make life for everypony around him more interesting, in his own twisted way, but not to the point where the whole of Equestria imploded, exploded, reploded, unploded or some other word with ‘ploded’ in it.
It wouldn’t exactly be in my favor to disintegrate somepony who treats me kindly. Besides, it would only be for her, just for a little bit. Discord reassured himself as he watched the younger of the princesses sisters retreat to the castle. A wry smile cast itself in his thoughts, as his face was still, woefully he might add, unable to do any form of expression aside from the one plastered there already.
What did I ever do to deserve such a doomed romance and a cruel joke upon my life?
Present Day
Discord snorted resentfully. But you never showed up, did you Luna? Oh no, much better of you to pull at the strings of my heart and snap them when you tired of me. He sighed to himself and his thoughts smoldered once more in their usual internal silence.
Had he believed, foalishly of course, that there was a possibility that he would be allowed to be free and to be with Luna, romantically or not? Yes, he did, and now he was paying the piper in full, with interest to boot. Angry as he was, a part of him still held on to the ridiculous notion that he could be accepted as more than a fiendish freak of unnatural nature, and a smaller part held desperately to the idea that he could be loved.
That would be terribly ironic though, wouldn’t it? That we be rejected by not one, but both of the sisters? Maybe they were in on it together, perhaps I was destined to be unloved and hated for eternity… The chaos lord thought ruefully, and then his thoughts hardened. Oh yes, let’s rip poor Discord’s heart out! He won’t mind, he’s a heartless monster to begin with! Nopony would ever love a freak like that!
His thoughts became more bitter and hysterical with each word. HA! Look at poor ugly Discord, what is he? A griffin? A pony? A dragon? None! He’s a hideous mash of creatures, he’ll never be loved! It’s not like he’s capable of saying anything and meaning it from the heart! He’d never mean it if he shouted-
“I LOVE LUNA!!! SHE MAKES MY HEART SOAR WHEN I SEE HER!!! HER BEAUTY OUTSHINES ANY I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE AND-” Discord froze, and was shocked to find it was voluntary. “W-was… W-was that m-my voice?” A sniffle from behind him broke him from his stunned surprise.
“Do… Do you really mean it Discord?” Discord turned, and as fate would have it, there stood Luna, a faint blush on her face, those brilliant green eyes slightly brimmed with tears, but whether they were tears of joy or tears of pain, he couldn’t tell.
The draconequus gulped nervously and nodded hesitantly. “I meant every word you heard Luna… I know I’m not the kind of pony, or creature in general that you could ever have feelings for, but I-”
FWOOMP!
Luna had rushed at Discord and threw her forelegs around him to embrace him in a tear filled hug. “Oh thank what ever or who ever as responsible for letting this work! All those weeks of tiring and endless study, failure after failure, and self-exile have paid off!” The alicorn squeezed him tighter, as if scared that he might turn back to stone again. “To put a cherry on top all of this, the first words I hear from you were a proclamation of love.”
She hiccupped and looked up at him, a hopeful smile stretching across her face. “You really mean it? I’m not dreaming, and there is somepony aside from my sister who loves me?”
Discord didn’t say anything, he just stood there with his mouth gaping like a fish out of water. “But… But… How? How am I… Me?” He finally managed to drag out of his mouth, and Luna released her death hug and sat on the grass before him.
“It worked Discord, my spell worked! Oh you didn’t combust or melt or anything similarly horrid!” Luna squealed in a manner that was very contrary to what you would expect from a princess. She drew in a few deep breathes to calm her self.
Discord began to smile, maybe he could be with this mare, maybe- A thought had wormed its way back into his head and he looked at her expressionlessly.
“You stopped coming… I was alone for weeks… You abandoned me Luna, why?” He asked quietly, and Luna gasped and shook her head quickly.
“You have my royal word that I never abandoned you! It was ‘Tia, she wouldn’t let me back into the gardens, she claimed that it was bad for my social growth to spend all of my waking hours in the gardens talking to statues! I told her that I had very important things to do, but she refused to believe me. I would never abandon a friend, you have my most sacred of royal words on this.” Luna said as she placed a hoof on her chest in a solemn vow.
The draconequus scowled, it figured Celestia would muck things up for him again, even if it was unintentional and in the interest of keeping her sister sane. The scowl inevitably gave way to a smile.
Friend. He had a friend, and possibly…
“Ah… Dearest Luna, about my confession… Would you… That is to say… What I am trying to ask… The thing is, I would…” Discord tried several times to voice himself, but couldn’t find the right way to say it. Oh the cruel irony, he could turn day to night and back again like a strobe light, but he couldn’t ask a simple question.
Chocolate rain from the sky? Easy. Asking a mare he had technically known for over a millennium a relationship question? Yeah, because that was just as easy as tearing the space-time continuum into pieces and smashing the pieces back together like a foal would a jigsaw puzzle.
Luna giggled behind her hoof, and stood up, taking his claw in her hoof. “Come with me, ’Tia made me swear to bring any potential suitors to her first before accepting proposals. I just know she will be so happy to you!”
Discord blanched as he was dragged off towards the castle. “Suitor? Proposal? CELESTIA?! I think this is a very bad idea Luna, your sister doesn’t exactly have positive feelings towards me, of any kind, remember?” He exclaimed nervously, and he was sweating bullets as he tried to pull away from Luna, but the lunar princess paid him no heed.
“Nonsense! My happiness has been doubled, therefore my sister will be overjoyed for me! There is nothing to fear from my sister.” Luna said reassuringly, but the embodiment of chaos and disharmonious discord didn’t look any less apprehensive at having to come face to face with the elder sister, and to ask permission to have Luna as his… That word that apparently is extremely difficult for him to think, let alone think.
“My point precisely, overjoyed for you. I still have plenty to fear you know. Chaotic god or not, I would rather not have Celestia angry at me. Again.”
Luna just gave another girlish giggle and continued dragging Discord to what he was sure to be his trial, followed shortly by an undoubtedly excruciatingly painful demise at the hooves of a likely to enraged Celestia. Discord whimpered as the castle doors drew nearer.
“When they say you have a crush, you aren't supposed to do things that will literally get them crushed!"
Author’s Notes
Hey there, Roxxi here! Before you all freak out on me and flood the comments with raging screams of “You can’t do that! You’re rushing the relationship! Blah blah blah!” I would like to offer some information in my defense. First off, this is a follow-up of a previous story, Discord’s Day where I did foreshadow future Discord-Luna. Please go back and read it before you start flaming, okay? Second, if you take a look up at the top, you’ll see it says "Days", and basic reasoning would suggest that I plan to make this ordeal into a nice multi-chapter story.
Now for the part where I get to talk to the non-flaming fans of mine! I really hope I did you all proud with this, and I hope it passes your judgment and that you become infatuated with it, or at least like it enough to continue reading it, whichever suits your fancy. At the very least, I hope it made you chuckle here and there.
Would this classify as a romantic comedy? I think so, but I've been wrong before. A lot.
Yours in Literacy,
Roxxi
The Equestrian Approval Process -or- Discord's Celestial Shakedown
“I’m really not sure this is the best idea Luna, your sister and I don’t exactly see eye to eye, remember? Maybe we should just postpone this for a bit, say a few millennia?” Discord asked hopefully as he was led through the surprisingly empty halls to the castle’s audience chamber where Celestia usually held court for the day. Normally, he’d relish the fact that there were no guards around, as it meant he could do as he pleased without being interrupted, but at the moment it just seemed ominous.
Luna looked back at him with a reassuring smile. “You have nothing to fear Discord, ‘Tia is very understanding, I have no doubt that after reasoning with her, she will approve of your proposal.” She turned back around and continued to the audience chamber. Discord moaned woefully and covered his face with his claws. He was definitely going to be dead by the end of the day, immortality aside.
Luna scowled slightly at him. “Suppose we make a wager on it? If I can convince my sister to let you stay in the castle and be with me, you must do something exceedingly romantic for me on our first real date.” Luna offered, confident she could get Celestia to agree.
“Oh Luna, that’s not fair, you know I love a challenge! Alright, you’re on, but if I win, you have to promise not to let her kill me, sound fair?” Discord offered up skeptically. Really, this was an easy bet; he had it in the bag. Luna grinned slyly.
“The terms have been set, let the games begin!”
Canterlot Castle Audience Chamber, Outside The Doors
Luna looked back at her chaotic companion and gave him another smile. “Please wait here Discord, I will talk to my sister before you come in, perhaps that will make things proceed smoother, do you agree?” Discord shuffled back and forth uncomfortably and the youngest of the princesses knocked on the tall ornate doors of the chamber and the serene voice of the princess of the sun called out to her.
“Yes? You may enter my little pony.”
Luna pushed the doors open trotted inside. “It is only me dear sister. I was wondering if I might take a few minutes of your time to speak to you about a very important matter.” She said as she approached her sister and gave her a quick hug, you know, one of those hugs that lasts only a few seconds but still makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside because it was from a sibling. “Where are all the guards ‘Tia?”
“I gave them all the day off, it isn’t as if Discord or Chrysalis is going to pop up out of the blue or something, right? You know that I always have time for you Lu-Lu. Now what is it you needed to speak to me about, hm?” Celestia asked after releasing her younger sister.
“I have met somepony who is very special to me who is interested in becoming romantically involved with me. As per your request, I have come to you for your blessing ‘Tia.” Luna explained proudly. Her sister clapped her hooves together joyfully and drew her sister in for another hug, only one of the more lung-squeezing varieties this time.
“Oh this is excellent news Lu-Lu! I told you that you would become friends with ponies with time, and you’ve even found a special somepony, oh this is wonderful! Who is the stallion?” Celestia asked eagerly, her sisterly instincts demanding the juicy details.
“Well, it’s not a stallion per say-”
Celestia looked shocked. “Not a stallion? Why, I had no idea you preferred mares, I’m terribly sorry sister. I never meant to-” This time is was Celestia’s turn to get cut off.
“What? No! You misunderstand me, I don’t like mares that way anymore ‘Tia, you know that was just a phase.” Luna said, an embarrassed blush darkening her cheeks. “He isn’t a mare by any means, but he’s not exactly a stallion.”
Celestia thought for a moment and looked at her sister incredulously. “Is he a dragon? Oh good heavens Luna, please don’t say you’re in love with my student’s dragon!” Celestia begged her sister.
“Wh-what? Sister, will you please listen to me? This is serious!” The lunar princess demanded, the blush on her face spreading further. She took a deep breath and slowly explained herself to the older princess. “He isn’t exactly one thing, but he does love me, I caught him yelling it in the middle of the gardens earlier.” Luna turned to the still open doors of the audience chamber and called out. “Discord! Please come here dear!”
Celestia froze as the tyrant that had tried to destroy Equestria, or conquer it anyways, poked his head into the door way. The she jumped into action with clear, level-headed determination to protect her sister from the evils her nemesis could enact upon her using the most arcane and complex of spells, which translates into ‘freaked out and used her magic to slam the door violently in his face’, leaving a detailed impression of the chaos god’s face in the heavy wooden door. Luna jumped up from her seat and gasped in horror, galloping to the door to throw it open.
“SISTER! Why in Equestria would you do such a terrible thing?” She pulled Discord from the door with her magic and turned him over in the air several times to check for any serious injuries.
Celestia practically screeched in protest. “Why? Because Discord is evil beyond measure! He tried to destroy Equestria! Twice! He tried to kill us! How can you even stand the sight of him?!”
Discord was feeling a little woozy from being spun in the air, and now that Luna had turned away from him and was distracted by arguing with her sister, he was beginning to spin faster. “Erp… Not… Feeling…”
“Because he loves me! Why can’t you accept this? I did as you suggested and found a special somepony, and was considerate enough to bring him before you for your blessing!” Luna shouted back, Discord’s cries falling on deaf ears.
The draconequus was starting to look a little green as he was spun faster and faster still. “Going… To be… Sick…”
“A special somepony, yes. Not a chaotic monster who wants nothing more than to see the whole of Equestria torn apart at the seams! He is evil Luna, and it is our duty to stop him before he causes any harm! Now chain him down till I summon the Elements of Harmony to reseal him!” Celestia demanded standing up from her throne to stamp her hoof for emphasis.
“Please? Can… somepony help- HURAGH!!!”
The sibling rivalry halted in its verbal tracks as the spinning chaos lord unceremoniously heaved the contents of his stomach, which strangely happened to be an accordion, barrel, clock, didgeridoo, envelop, fishhook, gyroscope, hanger, igloo, jelutong, kayak, lance, mandolin, noose, obelisk, piano, quill, refrigerator, skates, tuba, unicycle, veinstones, whip, xylophone, yo-yo, and a zeppelin. Luna gasped a released Discord quickly, in turn dropping him in the impossibly large pile of detritus that mysteriously managed to fit in him in the first place.
“Discord, are you okay? Discord, speak to me, please?” The lunar princess asked as she pulled him out from underneath the tuba with her magic.
Discord looked at her with a comically cross-eyed expression, a quill sticking out of his ear, and giggled deliriously. “Muffins!”
Luna sighed in relief. “Oh thank the stars; he was not harmed too seriously.” She nuzzled him happily, momentarily forgetting her quarrel with her sister, even the fact that her sister was still in the room didn’t register.
“Ehem, Luna, we still have to discuss your sanity, or lack thereof.” Celestia pointed out tersely. She could handle Luna dating; she was a big mare now after all. She could handle the crazed fan club that bordered on being a cult dedicated to her sister called something silly, the “Lunar Republic’ or something equally ludicrous. Hay, she could even handle her experiments that seemed as if they belonged in a mad-scientist story. Caring for Discord who, in case it wasn’t clear before, was bent on twisting Equestria into a pretzel, however, was out of the question.
Luna was internally panicking, if she couldn’t get Discord even slightly accepted, her potential love life would be over before it began. Just because she was scared didn’t mean she was going down without a fight, oh no sir, not at all. In fact, the princess of the night had a secret weapon that had never failed her before, and this was going to take her best effort to pull off.
“But… He makes me happy… Don’t you care about my happiness?” Luna sniffled sadly, looking at her sister pleadingly, her bottom lip beginning to tremble. Celestia frowned and shook her head.
“I do care, but this is ridiculous, you can’t possibly love him. He’s obviously put you under a spell of some sort; it wouldn’t be the first time Discord has controlled ponies for his games.” The elder of the two pointed out, gesturing towards the still delirious Discord with a glare. Celestia would make Luna see reason. After all, science requires reason, and a pony of science such as her sister must surely put more to stock in reason than the words of a lying villain. At the very least she’d have to trust her sister.
Still defying my power? Very well, I shall double the sadness… Luna thought to herself and prepared to hit Celestia with the full fury of her magic.
Luna sniffled again, hanging her head down low, her voice cracking with the unrestrained grief and mourning of a thousand Shakesmarean tragedies. “You don’t care… You never did… You imprisoned me on the cold, dark, lonely moon for a thousand years and now that I have returned, you still wish to keep me cold and alone…” Luna lifted her head to look at Celestia one last time, her eyes filling with tears, a look of heartbreak and sorrow buried deep in their emerald depths.
The solar princess bit her lip, maybe she was wrong, and maybe this was good for Luna. And I did banish her to the moon by herself… Oh buck me, I’m a terrible sister. Celestia inhaled deeply and closed her eyes.
After a few tense moments, Celestia opened her eyes, making sure to keep them focused on a point above her sister’s guilt inducing gaze. “Very well, I will allow you to remain with Discord, provided he stay in the castle at all times, unless given my express permission, do I make myself clear?”
Discord sat up suddenly, looking completely unharmed, all traces of the junk that he had expelled earlier vanishing in a flash. “I can’t believe it! You did it Luna, I don’t know how, but you did it.” He said giving the now smirking Luna a pointed scowl. “I’m sure you cheated, there’s no way you could have tricked Celestia into letting me stay here. That much ‘D‘aw’ at one time is akin to dropping the sun on somepony, just completely unfair overkill.”
Luna gave him a playful push and grinned widely. “Now do not be a sore loser Discord, I won fair and square and you know it. Just remember, you promised a very romantic first date.” Discord sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I know, and you’ll get it, don’t fret my little Luna. I may be chaotic, but I am most certainly not a liar.”
Celestia blinked, one moment her sister was in tears, and the next, she was giggling and talking with Discord about dates. “Excuse me, but what just happened? You were just crying!” Celestia exclaimed, glaring at the pair on the ground. “Explain yourself Luna; I demand an explanation to this nonsense!”
“I believe your sister just played you like a two-bit fiddle Celestia, but what do I know?” Discord remarked with the most innocent look he could muster. Celestia’s eye twitched, and Luna quickly leapt up to calm her sister down.
“’Tia, I did not mean to trick you like this, but I knew you wouldn’t agree unless I… convinced you to let us be together. Can you forgive me?” Luna asked, and Celestia raised her eyebrow slightly, a smoldering look in her half-lidded eyes.
“I promise to purchase those chocolate coated banana treats you love so much if you give me leniency.” Luna offered sweetly.
“…The dark chocolate banana sticks?” The fruit loving princess asked after a few moments of deep thought.
Luna nodded. “The darkest, most chocolately chocolate covered bananas in all of Equestria.”
“That’s dirty pool, but I do need to restock my supply of those delicious snacks… Fine, forgiveness has been given. You may go Luna.”
Luna gave her sister one more hug and turned to trot out of the audience chamber. “Get up Discord, I have to show you my tesla coils, they are quite the shocking sight to see.” She said, giggling at her horrible pun and Discord hopped up onto his claws and began walking upside down out of the room.
“Not you Discord, I’d like to have a word with you…”
Discord winced. So close to keeping my internal organs. He thought glumly.
Luna turned around and opened her mouth to speak, but the Celestia held up a hoof. “I would prefer it if you would let us speak alone Luna, please.” Luna’s shoulders drooped and she headed out of the room, the doors closing behind her with a small flare of magic from the solar princess.
Celestia dragged Discord closer to her with another burst and looked him in the eyes. “You listen close, and you listen well Discord. I do not like you, I mean I really, really do not like you. Unfortunately, my sister has found you desirable for some strange reason, and I am forced to put up with you as a result. This had better not be some silly little game of yours.”
“Celestia, I really-” Discord began with a slight laugh, but Celestia continued her interruption streak for the day.
“No, I don’t want to hear it. I’m only going to warn you once, Luna means the world to me, and if you hurt her, if you make her cry, if you put one little claw of out of line in anyway with her, I will hunt you down. The things I will do to you will make being a statue a hug and banishment to the moon look like a trip to Manehattan. Don’t you dare break her heart, or I’ll make sure you regret it. You don’t know her like I do, I’m her big sister, and it’s my duty to protect her.” Discord sighed and looked back at the alicorn who now had him pinned against a wall with her hooves.
“So I don’t know her, do I? Let me ask you a few things my dearest Celestia.” He said, a hint of sarcasm gracing his voice.
“Did you know she likes smooth jazz? Or that her favorite drink is Zap Apple Cider, strong, custom ordered from Sweet Apple Acres? Or that every full moon, she studies timber wolves to see if they change into ponies to test the myth of ‘Were-Ponies’? Or that every Tuesday night for the past few months, she’s been visiting my cozy little statue in the gardens to bring me a sandwich, let alone that she was even sitting out in the gardens for hours every night just to keep me company? Heaven forbid you knew she was working on a way to free me from that prison I was stuck in for weeks now.” He stated flatly and Celestia looked taken aback.
“I didn’t- I mean, Luna never-” She stuttered.
“Oh right, I’m sorry, it’s obviously Luna’s fault you never bothered to ask or listen, correct? Tell me, Oh wise and wonderful Celestia, did you know Luna’s birthday is next month? Or is it Luna’s fault again? Do you even have an inkling of an idea about what she wants? No? Let me give you a hint, it’s not a science kit for foals, it’s not socks, and it most certainly is not ‘Equestria: A History, by P. D. Pie’ or a new tiara.” Discord finished and slipped out of her grasp, which was relatively easy to do considering she was stunned speechless by his oral onslaught.
“Next time you want to accuse somepony of not knowing your sister, perhaps you should do your homework and find out the little details for yourself. And she’s allergic to bananas, but I’m sure you already knew that.” He snorted with more bitterness than was necessary, but it didn’t matter to him.
With that, Discord walked through the doors, literally, and left Celestia alone in the chamber, which now seemed uncomfortably large.
Celestia sat back on her throne feeling rather foalish. Was she really that ignorant of her sister’s likes and whatnot? What made her feel even worse though, was the revelation of Luna’s previously unknown allergies.
“It explains why she was always so itchy when ever she brought me my Choco-nanas…” Celestia sighed heavily. Not to mention Luna‘s birthday had slipped her mind, but she was busy! She wasn‘t to blame, was she? “Lu-lu always said she loved the tiaras I got her, and that she adored the history of Equestria, are they really that bad?” She had always more or less left Luna to her own devices, and Luna had never really made a big point of telling her these things, but maybe she really did need to start paying more attention to her.
Outside The Audience Chamber
Luna was pacing anxiously outside the doors of the audience chamber; Celestia did have a bit of a temper when she thought somepony was trying to hurt her loved ones. Top it off with the fact that Discord was, well, Discord, it didn’t look good to her.
A few nerve-racking minutes later, Discord phased through the doors, unharmed but looking cross, not really looking at anything, as if he were looking at something miles beyond him through the walls.
“Discord! Did she hurt you? I’m so sorry, I didn’t think she’d hurt you, where did she hurt you? Show me where she hurt, I’ll fix you up.” Luna said hurriedly as she rushed over to him, quickly looking all over for signs of abuse. Discord jumped and looked at Luna in surprise.
“Luna? I didn’t see you there, just spaced out again I suppose, I do that a lot you know. And I’m fine, I just had a little talk with Celestia, I think I might have opened her eyes to a few things. She said don’t worry about the bananas, she decided against them.” Discord smiled down at the midnight mare still scrutinizing his body for injury.
At least, I’m sure she will now. He thought to himself. Luna looked up at him in relief and hugged him tightly.
“Does this mean we can be together? And I can have my romantic date?” Luna asked giddily as she bounced back and forth like a filly in a way that would make a certain Element of Harmony proud.
Discord chuckled, that innocence and energy she only seemed to display when they were alone could really grow on you. “Is that date all you think about? I’m beginning to think you only like me for my good looks and as a trophy, not any of my other redeeming qualities like my charm, personality, humor, wit, tender heart, my inner beauty or most importantly, my modesty.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “You know I love you for you, not for what you look like.”
Discord gasped in mock despair. “You mean I’m not incredibly good looking? Oh I knew it; I’m hideous beyond all reason, illogical, logical, or otherwise!” He wailed, falling to the floor dramatically, uncontrollable sobs erupted from the draconequus. Luna shook her head, heading down the halls to her room.
“Those crocodile tears will not fool me Discord, you oversold it. The tears have to be with sniffles, and you have to make eye contact, or at least try not to sound as though you were breathing through a moth-ridden bag pipe.”
Discord slid across the floor after her and pouted. “That bad huh? Well excuse me; I haven’t exactly had the time to practice expressions and sounds you know.”
“It was that bad, but I think we should be discussing where you’ll be taking me on our date, not your lack of acting skills.”
“You must like trains Luna, because that is the worst case of one-track mind I’ve ever seen.”
Author’s Notes And A Quick Side-Note About Myself
Jeez, this chapter was harder to write for some reason, but now that the Celestia/Discord meeting is out of the way I can focus on the fun stuff, like disastrous dates and such. Is it just me, or did anyone else enjoy Discord bringing down the vocal proverbial hammer on Celestia? It always helps me when I can find something that happened in my life or to a friend that I can use in a story. Anyways, I must thank Chaodiurn for inspiring the title of the last chapter with his helpful suggestions.
Thank you.
Okay, the quick thing about me: You all drive me into a nervous wreck. Not intentionally, and you don’t have to apologize. It’s more of a personal issue than anything. Every time I post a new chapter, or the beginning of a new story, I get so nervous waiting for responses and reviews. Seriously, I clawed my arm up pretty badly while I was waiting for the first chapter of this story to get its first comments. What made it worse was that I forgot to submit it for approval after I finished it, then it took an unusually long time to get approved, and then my panic started all over again when it was finally put into the queue thing for the front page and I anxiously awaited your thoughts on it. I know I shouldn’t stress like that, but I do.
Flipside of the coin: Nothing makes me feel happier than when I get a comment like “I love this story! Great job!” or “Yo, when {character} said {joke or line} I {emotion} so hard, keep up the epic work!” or “{emoticon} MOAR!!!!!!” or something along that lines. Like when I had a story read on Reading Rainboom, I couldn’t stop crying and laughing, because it was just such a surreal thing for me, ya know? You all make it possible for me to keep writing, so feel proud of yourselves.
I Love My Fans So Much,
Roxxi
Celestia's Suspicions, Part I -or- The Apostate Apprentice And Sweet Sedition
Discord awoke very early with a yawn, stretched his limbs and proceeded to fall off the ceiling where he had been sleeping in a guest room that Celestia, begrudgingly, gave him to use while he was staying at the castle. Rubbing at his eyes, Discord dragged himself to his feet and stumbled into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face.
“Brrrrr! It’s like rubbing a penguin on your face, but not nearly as fluffy, or dangerous.” Discord said aloud, recalling his various encounters with the cute and cuddly demon of the far North. “Honestly, you rub one penguin on your face to see if it works as a towel and suddenly every one of the little buckers has a lifelong grudge against you.”
Now fully awake, Discord began to compile a list of all the things he would need for his first date with Luna. Actually, it was his first date period.
“Oh Luna, have I got a surprise for you! Let’s see…” The draconequus began mumbling to himself as he scribbled down a long list of various items.
After a few minutes of thoughtful thinking about what he could possibly use to make his special date for Luna the best he could, Discord snapped his fingers, causing the scroll the to roll up and vanish in a puff of smoke. “All done, now the hard part, finding everything before Luna wakes up, after all it wouldn’t be a surprise if she found out early.” Discord proclaimed cheerfully as he strode to the door, pulling it open and stepping out of his room and running straight into-
“Celestia? Why were you standing outside of my door? Moreover, what reason do you have for looking at me so witheringly? I thought we had gotten past that, hadn’t we?” Discord asked, raising an eyebrow.
The solar princess merely glared harder at him and turned to walk down the hall. “Nothing Discord, I was just strolling through the castle when you opened the door. I didn‘t think I had to inform you of my morning walks, this is my castle after all.” She said dryly, looking back over her shoulder once more. “Remember, I am always watching you Discord, my sister’s suitor or not, always watching. Always. All the time. Never stopping. Ever. Constant vigilance. CONSTANT!” She exclaimed forcefully and galloped down the hall as if her mane were on fire.
Discord blinked in confusion. “Good morning to you too?” He shook his head and walked down the hall in the other direction. “I always thought she’d go crazy, I bet it was all that tea she drinks.”
Moments after the draconequus had vacated the hall, Celestia’s head poked around the corner, a camouflaged helmet on her head where her tiara usually sat. “I don’t know what you’re up to you fiend, but I assure you that nothing shall harm my sister, especially you.” She whispered to herself and tiptoed after the chaos lord, her thoughts filled with the things she had heard him saying just before he left his room.
Earlier, The Castle Halls
Celestia was making her daily rounds around the castle, it was more of a way to work off that ‘huge flank’ she kept hearing ponies whisper about than a recreational activity. She looked back at her rump with a concerned expression.
“My flank surely is not that large, is it?” Celestia asked nopony in particular as she bit her lip. “I hope these walks are helping my figure, I can’t stand when-” Celestia stopped and pressed an ear against the door to her right, it was Discord’s room and she could hear him speaking to himself.
“Oh Luna, have I got a surprise for you! Let’s see… We’ll need… A very lengthy coil of rope, a blindfold, a bottle of cider, a boat, a very large canvas, spear guns, a torch, sand bags, plungers, crossbows, stuffed animals, a bobsled, a cart load of water balloons, candles, anti-matter, string capable of holding aforementioned anti-matter without ripping the fabric of the universe into spaghetti noodles, duct tape, a bucket of chocolate pudding, cake, knives aaaaaaaaaand… Oh what the heck, I’ll throw in a guillotine for good measure!”
Celestia recoiled from the door in horror. What despicable acts could he be planning with such a list of nefarious, and admittedly, odd tools? Her eyes darkened with protective rage, she would not sit idly as this monster tortured her precious Lu-Lu! No, she would-
“Celestia? Why were you standing outside of my door? Moreover, what reason do you have for looking at me so witheringly? I thought he had gotten past that, hadn’t we?” Discord asked, raising an eyebrow.
The solar princess merely glared harder at him and turned to walk down the hall. “Nothing Discord, I was just strolling through the castle when you opened the door. I didn‘t think I had to inform you of my morning walks, this is my castle after all.” She said dryly, looking back over her shoulder once more. “Remember, I am always watching you Discord, my sister’s suitor or not, always watching. Always. All the time. Never stopping. Ever. Constant vigilance. CONSTANT!” She exclaimed forcefully and galloped down the hall as if her mane were on fire.
He’s up to something evil, I just know it! I’ll have to tail him and see just what he has planned so I can put an end to it, and with luck, make Luna see he’s no good! Celestia thought to herself as she snuck down the hall after Discord, hiding behind every piece of furniture she came across just case he turned around.
Ponyville, Sugarcube Corner
Discord looked at the oddly shaped building in front of him with delight. “Oh that’s clever! It’s a house made of ginger bread! Literally! Oh, I just knew Ponyville would be the best place to find everything on my list!” He clapped his claws together and pushed the door of the shop open.
Ding!
“Helloooooooo? Is anypony home?” He called out to the seemingly empty shop. Discord looked around the bakery and frowned, scratching at his chin. “Hmmmmm… I was sure the sign said they were-”
“Hi there! My name is Pinkie Pie and I’m here to” Pinkie started as she jumped up from behind a counter before catching sight of who was in the room. “Help… You…” She stared blankly at him and Discord waved nervously at the pink pastry chef.
“Ah… Hello Miss Pie, I was wondering if you could help me find a bucket of chocolate pudding, cake, candles and knives.” He said with a slightly awkward smile. Pinkie looked at the ground and spoke slowly, a tremble in her voice.
“You… Want me to help you? Well… All I can say is…” Pinkie reached down to pick something up, never looking up at him.
Discord began to back up, he wasn’t ashamed to admit he was scared, this pony was obviously crazy. And not in that fun way he enjoyed being. More like the ‘chop you up and turn you into pastries’ kind of crazy.
“Eh, actually I’m gonna go, you seem busy and all, soooooooo I’ll just be going now, okay?” He asked with a smile, frantically searching for the doorknob so he could get out without turning his back to the psycho pony behind him.
“What kind of pudding? I’ve got unsweet, semisweet, bittersweet, dark, light, white, and my favorite, super duper extra mind-blowing, melt your tongue, burn your lungs, fry your taste buds, lava style spicy!” Pinkie beamed at him, placing several very large buckets on the counter.
“Excuse me?”
Pinkie continued beaming at him, once again highlighting each large bucket. “What kind of pudding?”
“Er… Dark chocolate? My special somepony has a very sweet tooth, so I’m sure she’d love the dark chocolate.” He finally answered after blinking at the earth pony in bewilderment.
“A special somepony?! OH NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! This chocolate won’t do at all! It has to be even sweeter! Who is it?! Tell me! Tell Auntie Pinkie Pie before I drown you in a sea of frosting!” Pinkie demanded, leaping across the counter to tackle Discord to the floor and plant her hooves firmly on his shoulder, getting extremely close to his face with a manic look in her eyes.
Sugarcube Corner, Moments Earlier, Outside
Celestia had successfully managed to sneak into Ponyville completely undetected, it seemed that nopony had seen through her clever disguise yet and-
“Hey, aren’t you Princess Celestia? I‘m Scootaloo and I‘m trying to earn my Private Investigator cutie mark! You must be in dis… dis sky… hiding without showing your face!” Proclaimed a small pegasus filly with an orange coat and magenta mane, a little on the tomboyish side, but adorable nonetheless.
Celestia jerked around, startled by the filly’s sudden appearance and did the first rational thing that came to her sage mind.
“BANISHMENT!!!” She screamed and with a flash of magic, Scootaloo was gone. Celestia inhaled deeply and tried to still her racing heart as she snuck closer to Sugarcube Corner, the last place she had seen that despicable demon enter. She pressed her face against the glass and gasped in anger and horror.
The on the floor, with their faces mere centimeters away, were Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter, and her nemesis, Discord. It looked as thought they were about do something Celestia did not want to imagine Discord doing with anypony.
“Oh no… I’m going to be sick…” She groaned as the thought inevitably wormed its way into her mind. She crawled over to a bush and promptly emptied out her stomach on the ground, but in a dignified, princess like manner.
“HERFGLUR!!”
Oh yeah, totally civilized and proper.
Present Time, Inside Sugarcube Corner
Pinkie was busily rushing from room to room, dragging things, throwing things, drilling holes in the ceiling, mixing things, and just confusing the life out of our poor draconequus hero.
“I still don’t see how dynamite helps make pudding, but if you think Luna will be impressed… Then by all means, blow yourself to smithereens.” Discord said, watching in disturbed wonder as Pinkie donned a helmet and began welding two clumps of fudge together with frosting. “So, you’ll deliver the pudding to the castle at exactly 3:01 p.m. and not a second later or sooner?” He asked once more, to make sure the pink party pony had heard his orders correctly.
Pinkie nodded and grinned at him. “Of c-course! A-and th-the ch-chocolate st-statue w-will b-be r-ready a-as w-well! F-Free o-of ch-charge f-for y-your sp-special s-somepony!” She warbled out, riding upon an industrial jackhammer now as she pounded a large hunk of marble chocolate into dust.
Discord said nothing more, fearing even he would go insane if he stayed another minute, and left the bakery as quickly as he could, throwing the door open a little harder than necessary.
Outside Sugarcube Corner
Celestia sat back up on her rump and groaned piteously again. “C-curse those fools… It is their fault I ate so many pancakes… They were so divine… And now, their delectable tastes are coming back with a vengeance…”
She stood up shakily and approached the door, prepared to confront Discord and Pinkie in whatever sordid acts they were committing. She had one hoof on the handle and was about to pull when the door swung open forcefully.
BLAM!
Discord winced and looked at the door. “Whoops… Luckily nopony was behind that door, or else they’d be in immense pain right now, that sounded like it would’ve hurt.” He said matter-of-factly and strolled down the streets whistling a merry tune.
The door to Sugarcube Corner swung closed and Celestia fell forward out of her alicorn shaped hole on the wall.
“He’s trying to kill us both, I just know it…” She muttered and dragged herself across the ground after the draconequus. She never knew looking out for her sister would be so dangerous to her own health.
Ponyville Public Library
Discord knocked on the door of the town’s most esteemed, not to mention only, library and was greeted by a purple and green dragon. He sputtered in terror when he looked into the eyes of the tyrant and threw the door closed with all his strength. Discord, however, was quicker, and slipped past the door, sticking his tongue out at the young dragon in triumph.
“Oh no, I won’t let another door slam in my face!” He crowed blowing a raspberry at Spike. “Now, how about you help me find what I’m looking for instead of-” Discord began, opening his eyes to see an old and very heavy leather bound book whizzing at his head. Discord sighed resignedly.
“Aw nuts…”
THWACK!
Discord rolled on the ground clutching his snout in pain. “Oh buck that hurt! They said ‘Hit the books’ not ‘Hit somepony with the books’!” He growled as he sat up and glared at the shaking dragon who held yet another large tome in his claw, cocked back and ready to fire at the slightest sign of danger.
“Spike? Did I hear a book hit something? I swear to Celestia, if you were throwing books again, I will make sure Rarity gets those photos of you wearing her dresses! I mean it! That better not have been a book hitting something Spike!” A voice rang out through the library and its owner, a violet unicorn, soon followed it down the stairs.
Spike gulped and bolted out the nearest window.
When Twilight reached the bottom of the stairs, she looked around the library and caught sight of the chaos lord still clutching his snout.
Now it was Discord’s time to worry about Twilight’s wrath, if Twilight was as bad as Celestia, he could be in trouble here.
Twilight sighed and levitated the book on the ground at his side back onto its proper shelf. “Princess Luna said she’d been working on a way to turn you back to your original form, but I honestly didn’t think it would have worked so soon.” She said, more to herself than Discord as she slowly paced around him, checking him over as if she thought he might have been a puppet instead of an abnormality of nature.
“How did you know Luna was trying to free me? She didn’t even tell her sister for cake’s sake!” Discord said looking very confused and surprised, not only at the fact that Twilight knew of his love’s experiment, but that she had not yet baked him to a crisp with her magic.
“We’re practically the only to ponies in Equestria who actually give a buck about science, of course we’d write to each other about any thing we were conducting. So, I can pretty much assume you aren’t here for a book, reading a set story isn’t your style, now is it? That leaves one possibility, you want something I have, what is it?” The librarian inquired, absent mindedly rearranging books to be alphabetically sorted by subject, title, author’s name, publishing date, and other nonsense only an egghead would care about.
“Somepony’s being a smarty-pants, but yes, I need anti-matter, string that can hold it, and guillotine, preferably authentic if you have it.” Discord said with a smile that said ‘I have just asked you for completely normal things that anypony might ask for.’
Twilight frowned. “I am not a smarty-pants, and more importantly, what the heck do you need a guillotine for?”
“Oh yes, question the medieval execution device, not the material that could theoretically wipe out everything in existence.”
Twilight shrugged as she conjured several small orbs of the dangerous space material, a roll of silver string, and a slightly rusty guillotine. “It’s you; the less dangerous item is obviously the more dangerous of the two.”
Discord thought about it for a moment and was forced to admit it was probably true. After all, if you can sink Atlantis and devastate the Seaponies with nothing more than pocket lint and a rubber band, you can most likely cause more damage with a rusty killing tool than unstable anti-matter.
“Okay, fair enough. Can you pack that up for me in a small box, hm? I hate carrying large suspicious looking packages through town. You get the worst of looks, and quite frankly, I don’t need mysterious boxes to do that.” Discord remarked airily as he inspected his claws for dirt. Twilight scowled and set Discord’s puzzling pieces aside.
“I’ll just have Spike send it to the castle when he gets back from hiding at Fluttershy’s like he does every time he thinks I’m going to give Rarity those embarrassing photos.”
“The dress photos, right. Well, as much fun as I have being here in a library with you Miss Sparkle, I really must be going, things to do, ponies to baffle. You know, Discord stuff and all that funk jazz.” Discord winked as he gripped the handle of the library’s main door.
Ponyville Public Library, Exterior, Moments Earlier
Celestia couldn’t believe her royal eyes. Discord was in her student’s library, and Twilight wasn’t blasting him to paste with the Elements! A cold chill washed over the solar princess.
“Could Twilight be… working with Discord?” She asked quietly to nopony with fear in her voice. First, it was Luna, and then it was Pinkie Pie, and now her most precious student Twilight Sparkle. Discord was taking everypony in her life away from her and using them for his sick games again. Celestia’s face darkened and she barreled at the door to the library, she was going to rescue her pupil and stomp that sneaky monster Discord into a bloody pulp even if it meant her life.
WHAM!
For the second time in a row that day, Celestia found herself bested by a door thrown wide open at an inopportune moment. Discord swam through the air out of the library in circles while strumming a ukulele that made a noise similar to a tuba when the strings were plucked.
“Thanks again for your help Twilight Sparkle, I just know my dear Luna will be very surprised, and you get credit!” He called back through the door merrily.
“Quit air swimming, and knock it off with that ridiculous instrument! Neither of those are natural or scientific!” Twilight yelled at him as she used her magic to slam the door shut again.
Celestia pulled herself free of the crater in the side of the building her body had made.
“If this persists, I may need saving instead of Luna.” Celestia whimpered slightly as she limped after Discord again, determined to stop whatever dastardly deeds he had planned at all costs.
Author’s Notes And Other Junk
This was actually up last week, but I forgot to publish it cause I was really tired when I finished it, so yeah... *goes off to hide my face in shame*
So! I have officially decided this will be a roughly 2-3 part chapter, featuring each of the Mane 6 helping Discord with his plans for Luna and Celestia being shown the door, literally. Really, I can’t stop laughing now, it’s funny when people get slammed with doors. Anyways, I’m more or less doing this because I didn’t want to have a really long chapter right now, because I’d feel obligated to make every other chapter nearly as long, if not longer, and because I promised you your chapter.
I hope you enjoyed this.
Now for other junk, I got mine craft for the Xbox 360. I might be enjoying it a teensy bit too much. And before you ask, no, you may not have my Gamer Tag, I only give it to those lucky enough to randomly encounter me. Also, before you think you’re a hotshot smarty-pants, it isn’t ‘Roxxi’.
I hope you all are enjoying this story so far, and I hope that by splitting this up, I have hooked your attention so you’ll want to read more. I promise to not make anymore multi-part chapters after this unless it is absotively, posolutely necessary, okay?
Praying That Creepers Can’t Climb Ladders Because I Love My Sky Tower,
Roxxi
P.S. A cookie to anypony who catches the special reference in the story.
Celestia's Suspicions, Part 2 -or- I Can't Believe It's Not Evil!
“Hmmm… this list may be slightly more difficult to fulfill than I had originally planned; I mean honestly, what pony in this humdrum town would be caught with spear guns, torches, and crossbows? I mean, I can see how a bobsled would be feasible, but the crossbow? Not from these peace preaching ponies,” Discord said then put a claw to his chin thoughtfully. “I wonder if that delightfully charming griffin is still here….” He looked over his list as he wandered aimlessly about Ponyville, occasionally glancing up to make sure he wasn’t about to walk into something or somepony.
Normally, this would prove to be an effective way to avoid an accident, but Marephy’s Law tends to trump precaution.
In the midst of fighting to read his own unfortunately awful scribbling, Discord collided into a much smaller figure, sending the smaller figure tumbling to the ground while he barely even rocked backwards, and, without so much as glancing away from his list, he mumbled out an apology, “Terribly sorry, my fault, excuse me, other nonsense.”
“Oh no, it was my fault, I was too busy trying to keep all of this junk bundled up together, and I just didn’t pay attention to where I was going, I’m really sorry.” a soft voice all but whispered. Discord looked curiously up from his list and was delighted to see a rosy mane framing a pastel yellow pegasus’s face.
“Oh my, as I live and inhale oxygen while alternately exhaling carbon dioxide, if it isn’t the Element of Kindness, one Miss Fluttershy,” Discord said, pulling the timid mare to her hooves and shook one in his claws. “What brings you to the civilized world and away from your wild wonderland?” he asked and Fluttershy shrunk visibly.
“N-nothing… just… just getting rid of a few things I don’t need, nothing special. No timberwolf related activities, not from me, no sir.” she replied quickly as she tried to conceal the tarp covered wagon behind her, which was a rather difficult feat to attempt as the wagon’s secret load towered behind her.
“Mhmm… honestly, you’re almost a worse liar than that farm pony friend of yours. Now, either you can show me what your hiding or I’ll make sure everypony in Equestria knows who you are, and that they constantly follow you around to watch your every move like a mob of obsessed fans.” Discord jokingly threatened with a smile that hinted he could make it happen if she didn’t cooperate.
“E-e-everypony?” Fluttershy squeaked and Discord nodded solemnly.
“Everypony, not a single one forgotten, unfortunately they’ll all-“
WHUMP!
“-probably forget who you are after a day. If you had just let me finish my sentence without so rudely passing out in the middle of the road, you would’ve had nothing to worry about. Admittedly, I’ve never seen anypony faint just from thinking about being watched. Hopefully nopony blames me for this; the last thing I need is another reason for Celestia to demand my re-imprisonment.” He said as he glanced at the now unconscious Fluttershy. Discord looked around, nope, nopony saw it; he was in the clear. He looked at the wagon the pale yellow pegasus had been taking to parts unknown.
Discord thought long and hard, was he prepared to betray the sacred institution that was another pony’s privacy? Could he really stoop so low as to invade her belongings and sort through them with insensitive abandon? Was he really about to defile the purity of her obviously personal secrets?
A wicked grin split his muzzle; the answers were glaringly obvious. “I am, I can, and you bet I am!” Discord cackled and whipped off the tarp covering the wagon with a theatrical flourish.
Discord blinked. Then he blinked again. Several more blinks soon followed, but the image before the stunned draconequus didn’t fade like a desert mirage. The towering load that Fluttershy had so desperately tried to hide in vain was something utterly shocking.
“I… I don’t believe it…” Discord whispered in quiet awe. “But then again, I suppose what they say is true. It’s always the quiet ones,” he added as an afterthought and began to pick through the pile.
“Crossbows… oh! This one still has a quiver of bolts, perfect! What luck, unused torches, I never thought I would see the day when a pony carried weapons and flammable devices through a town like this,” Discord exclaimed gleefully.
Discord froze, a gleaming bolt falling out of his claws. “Hold on a second… where’s…” he said with frown, “bah! I should have known a spear gun would be too much to ask for… tch, typical ponies,” he looked at the mare still out cold on the ground, “I bet you never stopped to consider that somepony might want a spear gun or two when you decided to parade around town with these little stocking stuffers, did you? That wasn’t very kind of you, you know.”
Discord gathered up his pilfered possessions and gave the pastel pegasus another disapproving look.
“Next time I expect you to have spear guns, it’s just plain rude not to take into account that your friends will want spear guns.”
Giving the bulky bundle a toss into the air, the draconequus wiggled his nose and with a puff of smoke, the pile disappeared.
Discord nodded with satisfaction and continued on his way down the streets of Ponyville. There was nothing he loved more, that didn’t involve Luna or Chaos, than a leisurely stroll through the civilian population. He took in a deep breath and sighed contentedly.
“Ah yes, listen the horrified gasps of ponies as they try and hide, feel the stares as they try to comprehend my awesome might! Joyous rapture, thine wondrous charms hath gripped me once more!” he exclaimed giddily as mares and stallions alike would double take as he passed them before running off as fast as they could manage or tripping over themselves with frayed nerves. However, if the champion of chaos had to pick one particular reaction that he found most amusing, it would be the moment when he saw a very large crimson pale at the sight of him and leap backwards into bush with a squeal betraying his masculine size, a pained yelp soon following from what Discord presumed to be a stray cat or dog.
“Discord, you’ve still got it after all these years!” He said gleefully at the spectacle of a full grown stallion practically wetting himself over seeing the draconequus.
Moments Earlier
Celestia’s eyes burned with righteous fury and locked onto Discord as he slunk through her beloved streets, tainting her land with his Discord-ness.
For a moment, the princess lost her focus and blinked. Was Discord-ness even a real word, was prolonged exposure to the monster she was tailing corrupting her senses? She shook her head and quickly put her focus back on Discord; she would simply pass a law making the word real, effectively giving her a small victory over her sister’s captor.
“Come on, reveal your secrets you filthy freak so I can put an end to your deceitful plot against my poor Luna…” Celestia muttered as she watched Discord walk through the streets of Ponyville, as if he actually belonged there instead of being locked away in a porous prison of granite. She’d been following him for around an hour now, since leaving the library, where she witnessed her immortal enemy turning her formerly faithful student Twilight against her, but he hadn’t done anything too suspicious. Yet.
She had half a mind to confront him now and get it over with while he was unaware and, was prepared to charge, when she saw the dastardly demon throw Fluttershy, the fragile little dear, to the ground. The sight made her blood boil, such a callous act of cowardice, attacking a defenseless and compassionate mare like the bearer of the Element of Kindness was intolerable. Once again preparing to bring the twisted terror to justice, she was stopped as Discord yanked the poor pegasus to her hooves. She could see that the two were talking; Discord giving her a sinister grin, Fluttershy turning away in what the solar princess assumed to be the appropriate emotion of terror or repulsion, but from her hiding spot, Celestia couldn’t make out exactly what the pair was saying.
Their conversation continued for a few more moments before Discord said something that must have been obscenely despicable because the pastel pegasus fainted dead away and her hated enemy took this as an invitation to dig through Fluttershy’s precious… possessions…
Celestia squinted as she tried to discern whatever the first object Discord took out of the pile was. “Is… is that a crossbow?” she asked in disbelief. She pushed the questions that bubbled in her mind aside as her target sent the pile of mysterious objects away in a cloud of smoke. Celestia crept along the sides of buildings and dove into bushes to hide herself from being seen. Her evasive actions proved to be greatly effective right up until the moment a very large rump sailed through the air and landed squarely on the alicorn’s back, an embarrassingly undignified yelp ringing out from the squashed solar sovereign.
Sweet Apple Acres
“Miss Applejack, I can’t find any other way to say this, but… I need you! I so desperately need you! Please, let me in, let me speak with you and show you how important you are to me,” Discord pleaded with large, soulful eyes as he knelt before a very startled orange earth pony in a brown Stetson.
“Pardon? Ah thought ya’ll had a thing fer the Princess...” Applejack said slowly, a hard glare forming. “Now Ah know ya’ll would never cheat on the Princess, right? Ah swear to Celestia, if yer cheatin’ on that poor gal Luna, Ah’ll personally stomp a mud hole in yer worthless hide, we clear? Now git in here, and start talkin’, or you ain’t gonna have no mouth to speak with,” She growled lowly, stepping aside to let Discord in.
Discord perched himself upon a rocking chair in the corner of the room and gave Applejack a hurt look. “Oh come now, you think I would dare to betray Luna? Celestia would incinerate me before you could even twitch any of your many arguably stallion-esque muscles. No, I merely need a few things to make something special for Luna. It pains me to say it, but I’ve been hard pressed to find it on my own, and your little band of harmonized hippies has proven to be a begrudgingly helpful asset,” Discord said matter-of-factly , snatching at the air and producing a cup of steaming cider for his self. “Cider?”
Applejack smacked herself in the face and snorted irritably. “You can’t show up to somepony’s home and start hollerin’ that you need’em, ponies will get the wrong idea. The barn should have junk lying around that you can have, just don’t come back yelling you love me, alright?” she pushed open the back door and practically threw the draconequus outside.
“The wrong idea? Who would get the wrong idea? That scene was obviously platonic you silly filly!” Discord cackled with glee and skipped off to the barn wearing a frilly skirt, a path of glittering bricks springing up around him with each step.
“Big Mac said Ah was crazy for keeping a crate of extra hard cider under my bed, now who’s crazy? I’m fergettin’ this one way or another…”
Sweet Apple Acres, A Tree
Celestia was boiling with furious rage, this was unforgivable! How many of her supposedly loyal subjects would Discord taint with his disgusting corruption? How many ponies would Discord ensnare into his harem before he was satisfied? None, that was the answer, for she would banish him to the moon locked away in an ever stronger stone prison.
“No, the moon is too close to my precious Lu-Lu, he must suffer for his crimes… the only suitable prison for this scum is the fiery depths of my own dominion, the sun. Discord will burn for countless centuries, if he is lucky.” Celestia said seethingly as she leapt from her hiding spot and stalked towards the Apple family’s home.
Applejack hiccupped and slouched into the couch, giving the bottle in her hoof a tipsy smile, “Cider river take my mind, don’t let his memory torture me -hic- Cider river don’t run dry, yer all Ah’ve got to care of me!” she warbled as her head swayed from side to side.
CRACK!
Applejack tumbled off the couch with a panicked yelp of inebriated confusion as the front door exploded in a shower of burnt wood slivers. The towering form of the solar princess strode imperially into the room and surveyed the room with a blazing glare.
“He isn’t here. Where is he?” she said quietly.
“Yer lookin’ fer the goofy lookin’ feller, right? Ah think… Ah think he… he… zzzzzzz…” Applejack said, trailing off before slumping forward onto the floor, out cold and now useless to Celestia.
Celestia didn’t think it was possible, but she had reached a new level of fury, her hatred and conviction to the obliteration of Discord reaching new depths.
“So you’ve resorted to poisoning my subjects Discord? Is that what you plan to do with my sister as well? I won’t let you… I won’t let you harm my sister!” she bellowed as she charged through the room, blasting apart the wall leading to the barn where Discord had been heading earlier.
The orange farm pony on the floor jerked up with a snort, “The barn! He was goin’ to the- Princess? Musta been a dream... Ah might as well hit the hay again,” She said firmly, or at least as firmly as a drunken mare can manage, and tipped over onto the floor once more, settling back into a comfortable cider fueled coma.
Discord was whistling cheerfully as he rummaged through the mountains of junk that had been left piled haphazardly in the Apple Family barn for decades.
“I knew that darling little lie detector with legs could help me, I might even be able to finish my list in one trip!” he said, tossing a blank canvas into the air, the canvas giving a soft pop as it disappeared. Discord moved aside a rusted plow and squinted to read the faded lettering on a rather large crate. “The Big One… extremely dangerous, keep out of reach of children,” he spun the termite eaten crate around to inspect it, licking the wood deftly as if he could determine its worth that way. “Well, I suppose everypony here is a child in comparison to myself, except perhaps that fossil Granny Smith… come to think of it, I’m not sure anypony knows just how ancient she is.” he tossed the crate into the air with a pop and smiled innocently. “Better safe than sorry, right?” he asked aloud as he threw more seemingly random debris into the air.
“DISCORD! FACE ME AND ACCEPT THE PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR CRIMES!” Celestia roared; a blast of magic erupting from her horn. Discord barely had enough time to drop to the ground to avoid the arcane attack and scramble backwards to get some distance.
Discord frowned; this was wrong, Celestia was early, dangerously early in fact. He had to delay her; everything had to be perfect, precisely perfect. This was the first time the chaos lord had ever needed something to be so perfect, it gave him chills to think about it. Discord could only see one option to save his quickly crumbling plans.
Rising to his feet, Discord nodded solemnly. “If you want to punish me Celestia, I am afraid you will…”
Celestia tensed; this was it, Discord would strike at her, and she would unleash the fury of the sun upon him in self-defense and Luna would be brought around to see things her way at last.
“Have to catch me! Pocket confetti!” Discord cackled and threw a cloud of confetti at the alicorn, the flurry of paper scraps obscuring her view just long enough to give him a head start, a head start he took full advantage of as he bolted through the wall and sped off through the apple orchard.
Celestia roared and charged through the Discord shaped hole in the wall after the fleeing draconequus.
Discord’s mind raced almost as fast as he was, an impressive feat when you considered the searing bolts of magic that were narrowly missing him. Discord was now painfully, thankfully only in a metaphorical sense, aware that Celestia was beyond furious. This was a disaster he didn’t want to happen, one that could potentially jeopardize his entire scheme.
You’re lucky I find you so beautiful Luna, otherwise I wouldn’t be risking incineration ala Celestia; the titan thought as he leapt over a low fence, letting the poor barrier burst into white hot flames instead of his own dashingly handsome self.
Discord clicked his tongue as obnoxiously as he could. “Oh me, oh my! If I didn’t know better, I’d say you actually liked me Celestia. Your aim is deplorable!” he admonished mockingly, earning an animalistic shriek of fury and another barrage of deadly magic from the princess hot on his heels.
“STAND STILL AND TAKE YOUR DEATH LIKE A STALLION YOU COWARD!” Celestia howled, swinging her head back and forth, launching wave after wave of deadly spells at her infuriatingly agile target.
Discord had to split himself in half to escape being roasted by an uncomfortably close shot. “What’s the matter Princess? Is that fat flank of yours weighing you down too much for you to even come close to catching me?” he taunted snidely. As he slid under an overturned tree, he became vaguely aware of a dramatic drop in temperature.
Discord suddenly found himself flat on his back with Celestia standing over him, the ominous silence a deep contrast to murderous look in her eyes.
“Fat… flank.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement, a death sentence. Discord smiled apologetically and pointed to his wrist.
“Will you look at the time? It seems our fun here is over, I’ll tell Luna you send your regards and love. Tell you what; I’ll even give her a big smooch for you, hm?” He grinned lecherously as he sunk into the ground out of sight.
The Solar Alicorn screamed incoherently in unbridled and unmatched furious rage. She let loose a condensed super nova of molten magic as she launched off the ground, a trail of flames racing after her.
Canterlot Castle, Luna’s Room
Princess Luna was huddled over her desk, a pair of tweezers carefully gripped in a haze of magic. “Just… a… little… closer…” she whispered, slowly pushing a crystal humming with energy into a slot in the piece of machinery she had been working on. “So… close…”
“Whatcha doing?” Discord asked cheerfully from over her shoulder.
“Eep! “ Luna shrieked as she lost focus and roughly jammed the crystal into her device. She turned around to see Discord watching her with an amused expression. The alicorn scowled at her love and gave him a soft hit on the chest. “I was working hard on a device to produce light at night so we wouldn’t need candles! I’m going to call it…” she paused for dramatic effect. “a Light Flasher!”
Discord smiled and ushered Luna over to the balcony outside of her room and pointed in the direction of a blazing streak of light that was racing across the sky. “Watch carefully Luna dearest, because in a few seconds, our first date will officially begin!” he said proudly, eliciting a gasp of shock from the alicorn at his side.
“Our first date is today? Oh no, I look terrible! I can’t even remember if I combed my mane this morning!” Luna’s face became as pale as a full moon and she began pacing around the balcony muttering about a wide variety of things that she’d forgotten to do. Discord sighed and pulled her closer to him and rested his chin on her head.
Luna pressed herself against him, but it didn’t help to calm her nerves. If anything, she felt her heart skip a beat at being held so close by somepony who loved her and wasn’t her sister. It was a strange feeling indeed: the feeling of being in the perfect spot, and the feeling of being near something that could break if she so much as breathed on it wrong. A few moments of silence passed between the two before Luna felt she had relaxed enough to speak without sounding like she was melting down.
“Do I look okay? I borrowed several magazines from a friend of my sister’s student, and each one said that looking your best is the key to having a successful date.” Luna said and looked up to meet Discord’s eyes.
“Luna, you look perfect, you always do. Besides, isn’t your mane made of the ethereal energy of the night sky?” he asked with a devilish grin. “I’ve heard of combing the beach, but never have I heard of combing the stars.”
Luna smiled gratefully. “Thank you, I must have looked silly worrying about something so small. When will I find out what you have planned for our date?”
“Just as soon as your sister gets here to murder me,” the draconequus replied cheerfully.
“Oh.”
“Yep.”
“She won’t be there for every date, will she?”
“Only this one Luna, she’s just an important part of this one, that’s all.”
Luna raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say a word.
“DISCORD!” A roar filled the air as Celestia landed on the balcony, the marble floor cracking from the speed of her impact. “I WILL-!”
“Be leaving now, shame you couldn’t stay longer!” Discord said as he pointed at her hooves with a devious smile. “So sorry I had to rope you into helping me ‘Tia.”
The solar alicorn looked down in bewilderment and saw she was standing in the center of a loop of rope. She glared dryly at Discord.
“I hate you.”
Discord winked at Luna and clapped in the air twice, before directing Luna’s attention to a rack of crossbows mounted to the castle walls.
The crossbows all fired off at once, each bolt connected to the rope leading to the loop around Celestia, tightening around her legs and whisking her off the balcony. Celestia flew through the air, as she passed over the gardens a barrage of water balloons raced up to douse her in sparkles and glue, effectively turning her into a glimmering ball of shrieks. She landed with a thump onto a long, bright red bobsled balanced carefully on the back of a statue of a pony in armor. Celestia relaxed for a moment, until she saw a torch burning through a rope tied to the base of the statue, and following the rope with her eyes, she cursed bitterly when she saw it was holding a group of heavy sandbags above the other end of the bobsled.
“Motherbu-” she started to growl out before the sandbags dropped, catapulting her through the air once more.
On the balcony, Discord was barely holding back gleeful snickers of delight while Luna’s jaw dropped as she watched her older sister’s bizarre flight with bewildered amazement. Discord’s eyes widened and he leaned forward over the balcony, Luna following suit.
“Here comes the big finish!”
Luna watched as the glittering speck in the distance that was her sister rocketed towards what seemed to be a sparkling spider web suspended in the air by a sky blue dot with a rainbow mane and a pearly white dot with what appeared to be large butterfly wings. The instant that Celestia collided with the web, the sky erupted into a dazzling fireworks display unlike anything the young princess of the night had even seen before. Spirals of shimmering colors spun in dizzying circles while bolts of neon silver arced through the sky to spell out her name.
Luna was speechless, nopony had ever put this much effort into anything for her. She gaped like a fish and looked from a grinning Discord to the still shining lights in the sky and back again. Discord snapped again and the door to Luna’s bedroom burst open and a trolley rolled onto the balcony, and a pink curl of hair could be seen behind the top of a large covered shape.
“3:01pm, right on schedule, you have incredible punctuality Ms. Pie!” Discord remarked.
Pinkie Pie bounded out from behind the trolley, pushing a table in front the immortal couple, complete with candles, a vase full of roses, a bottle of cider and two glasses. The baker trotted back to the trolley and began tossing an assortment of sweets onto the table, everything from chocolate éclairs to chocolate pudding. Discord nodded at Pinkie intently and she bounced over to the covered object, pulling the tarp off with a flourish and apparently vanishing as the tarp flattened on the floor.
Luna was greeted with the sight of herself, or at least, a statue of herself made purely from-
“Dark chocolate?” Luna asked as she gave the statue an experimental lick. Discord nodded proudly.
“There’s more,” he said, snapping his claws once more to summon two large boxes from the air.
Luna blinked incredulously at the presents. “Are these for me?”
“It’s all for you, it always will be,” Discord said in a hushed voice. “You’re special Luna, and you make me feel… wanted. Loved, even. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to see you smile.”
Luna looked at him hopefully. “Would you give up evil for me?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Luna, I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”
The boxes popped in a shower of confetti to reveal a guillotine and a small hill of stuffed animals, though animals was a bit generous as most of the plushies were patch works of different animals. Luna threw her arms around Discord and he could feel the young princess trembling.
“Thank you, I love it,” she whispered and the two immortals sat together on the balcony in blissful silence, watching the fireworks show that was still going on above them.
“Why did you get me a guillotine? I mean, I love it, but I simply can’t understand why you would get me something so morbid,” Luna inquired after a particularly loud bang shook the sky.
Discord shrugged his shoulders, “You said you needed a new paper weight, this one just doubles as a letter opener.”
Luna watched the sparkling mass she knew to be her sister drop out of the sky and plummet into the Everfree Forest.
“Will my sister be okay Discord?”
“I’m sure she’s having a wonderful time Luna.”
Everfree Forest, Several Hours Later
“I don’t care if you are a princess; the payment is final for making this mess! You crashed through my room with a blasted canvas, how can I let you go free from this? Grab a broom and a rake, you can’t leave till you fix your mistake!”
A short week after the momentous occasion of Luna and Discord’s first “Official ‘Now You’re BOTH Alive!” date, as Pinkie Pie had dubbed the unusual outing, would find the Canterlot Castle in a normal state of affairs. An eager group of mares would be making their way down one of the many vast hallways of the castle, a friendly conversation about the night’s events taking place.
“Thanks again for letting us use your theatre for movie night Princess!” a cyan Pegasus said as she hovered through the hall, trailing behind Princess Luna, the rest of the Elements of Harmony in tow as well.
Luna smiled and nodded. “You say that every time you and your friends come over for movie night, Rainbow Dash, and as always, I am more than happy to join you in the fun of movie watching,” she said, looking over her shoulder at Pinkie Pie, who gripped a film reel between her teeth, her saddle bags stuffed full of sweets. “What movie are we watching tonight?”
“Hermepfh! Phfrflk, mernnnyphf! Ferrfph,” was all the walking concession stand could manage with the reel in her teeth.
“It’s that new romantic movie that was released in Manehatten just this week. I heard it’s to die for, so I pulled a few strings, and voila! Our very own copy of Jewel of the Desert starring that handsome stud Liam Neighson!” Rarity shivered as she cooed the actor’s name. “He’s so dreamy, with that moody disposition, gravelly voice, and that rugged coat…”A line of droop leaked down her chin as she trailed off and barely maintained the ability to walk straight.
It was at this time that the castle’s favorite purveyor of preposterousness chose to show his face and he sprung up out of Pinkie’s hair looking revolted.
“Jewel of the Desert? You’re actually going to watch that drivel? Romance movies are terrible, and Neighson only belongs in action movies, everypony knows that.” Discord chided the group of mares with a roll of his eyes, which continued to roll until they rolled out of his head and down the hall. “Look at that, my eyes are just dying to get away and you haven’t even started watching that movie!”
Luna scowled and pushed open the door to the theatre, plucking the film reel from Pinkie’s mouth with her magic and handing it to a reedy stallion who wordlessly galloped up to the camera room to set up the film.
“If you don’t want to watch it with us, you are more than welcome to find some other way to occupy your time until we are done, but I for one want to see this film,” she said, turning back to look at the draconequus. “You may either join us or leave, although it would mean very much to me if you watched it with me…” she wobbled her bottom lip, and everypony could see the threat of glistening tears in her eyes.
Rainbow Dash leaned in with a grin nudged Fluttershy, “You thought the Stare was bad? Wait till you see this. Princess Luna’s gonna have that sap begging to watch this movie,” she whispered.
Normally, yes, Luna’s teary gaze was an unparalleled weapon of mass affection and could bring even the mighty Celestia to her knees. Normally, that is. Of course, ‘normal’ is never a word one would associate with Discord, and one he would never willingly label himself with. The draconequus had bolted from the hall with such incredible speed that a faint afterimage could still be seen, panic stricken expression and all.
“Um… I think you did it wrong, Princess… I mean…” Fluttershy whispered, looking nervously around the hall as Applejack and Twilight tried to stifle their snickering. Rainbow Dash, however, was far from composed in her response.
“BWAHAHAHA! That was priceless! Oh buck me that was better than getting him to watch it with us!” Dash cackled as she rolled in the air and kicked her legs as she clutched her heaving chest. Rarity merely rolled her eyes and daintily trotted into the Royal Theatre, the rest of the group trailing after the diva.
Luna still had a bewildered look on her face. “The Tears… failed?”
Discord skidded to a halt outside of the Royal Kitchen and panted, hunched over as he tried to get his lungs to work again. “Come on you lazy bums, I need oxygen,” he grumbled, poking his chest until a wheezy sputtering like an old motor came from his chest, allowing the draconequus to breathe properly once more. “Honestly, that mare is abusing her powers far worse than I ever abuse my own…”
“Let me guess, Luna used the Tears again,” a dry voice called out to the puffing chaos champion from the door. Celestia turned to trot back into the kitchen, and Discord could only shrug and assume he was supposed to follow, or, at least he was invited to.
She did speak to him without setting him on fire this time. If that wasn't an engraved invitation, nothing would be.
Celestia sat at a broad wooden table, a variety of snacks laid out before her. Discord sat across from her and picked up a swirl patterned cookie.
“She was, but that’s nothing new. This,” he gestured between Celestia and himself, “On the other hand, is a whole other ball game, Sunshine.” Discord tossed the cookie in his mouth and swallowed without chewing. A metallic ping softly clanged from his gut. “Any particular reason for the buckets of friendship you’re pouring out?” he asked casually, flicking an eyebrow up to the ceiling where it stuck for several seconds before gently floating back down to his face.
Celestia closed her eyes, floating a chocolate covered banana up to her mouth to bite into it slowly, as if in deep thought. “I can’t force you to leave. I can’t convince Luna to leave you. Therefore, I can only accept your plague reminiscent existence upon life until I can find a suitable punishment for you,” she said evenly, cracking her eyes back open to give the bane of her existence a glare tinged with disinterest.
“I’m a plague that deserves a punishment? Remind me, please, exactly what I've done wrong since Luna was kind enough to give me a second chance at life. Well, technically a third chance, but who’s counting? Besides me, that is,” Discord said in that same conversational tone, though the air in the room had become far tenser as he leaned forward on his elbows, slurping up a licorice rope like a noodle. “I've done nothing wrong, relatively speaking. You were the only causality in our first date, and I was only intentionally responsible for one of them; you brought the others on yourself by snooping.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong? That’s the biggest joke the world has ever had the misfortune to hear! You’ve tainted her mind. I don’t know how you’ve done it, but you’ve put her under some spell, even if she can’t see it,” Celestia said, all but growling as she slammed her hooves onto the table upending a plate of cracker sandwiches. “You know a few things I don’t about her, I can’t deny that, but I am her sister and I think that gives me a better understanding of her feelings. You’ve come into our lives before and only caused grief not only for Equestria but us as well. You and your despicable ways have caused immeasurable strife in our lives, and this travesty is only going to hurt her worse than anything else she has experienced before! Or have you forgotten your last spurned lover?” the alicorn sneered.
Discord’s eyes narrowed. “I have not forgotten her, nor did I spurn her. She wanted more than I was comfortable giving at that time, and I admit I handled it the wrong way. I will not make that same mistake again. Only a blind fool would try to deny that Luna has been considerably happier the past few weeks. She smiles, Celestia. Honest to goodness smiles that brighten up the room she’s in.” Discord leaned back, staring at the ceiling, letting the memory take his mood a little higher. “She’s beautiful… She’s smart, so smart it smarts just listening to her try and explain her latest gizmo, and I love it. Her face lights up when she gets on a science rant, equations and formulas and the like. Have you heard her laugh?”
He looked back at Celestia, who was wearing an odd mix of emotions on her face. “I mean really laugh. It’s a symphony of one; pure poetry in the air. I’ve heard her truly laugh, though admittedly it’s often at my expense, but I know she means no ill will of it.” Discord sighed and stared at Celestia sadly.
“What is so wrong with me loving her and vice versa? Why are you so against this? It makes your sister happy; shouldn’t that be the most important thing regardless of who she’s happy with?” Discord said. “All I want is to-”
“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT!” Celestia screamed at him as she had reached her limit for this absurd charade that he loved her dear sister, her eyes blazing with fury. Discord’s sick façade of emotions and this blatant jab at her concern for her sister was too much. “You are a monster! You've hurt us – her more than anypony should be hurt – and you think you can come back now and make it all better with a few dates and school filly games? My sister is no game and I will not have you casting her off like every other poor girl you’ve-”
CRASH!
Celestia was thrown off of her feet and through the wall behind her by an invisible wave of force. Discord was on her in an instant, his face a hair’s breadth from her own.
“Listen and listen well you pompous pony… I would never treat Luna like a game. She is so much more to me than that, and if you try to take her away from me, I will not hesitate to destroy you piece by piece with my bare claws. What happened in the past is exactly that: in the past.”
A sharp crack bit through the air and Celestia found herself sitting at the table once more, the snacks neatly arranged and a frowning draconequus sitting across from her with his eyes shut. Discord let out a deep breath, his fingers laced together as he repeated this common stress reliever several times before opening his eyes again.
“I’m… sorry… I shouldn’t have let my anger get the best of me; Luna would be upset with me if she saw that kind of deplorable outburst…” Discord said softly.
Celestia was shaken by Discord’s eruption of anger, and any thoughts she had about him reforming and being harmless to her precious Luna were blown away. No, if anything, this was only solid proof that Discord was an unstable beast bent on damaging her sister beyond repair. Celestia’s resolve to drive Discord away was strengthened further; this farce needed to end before somepony was hurt again. ‘I won’t let you ruin another heart Discord…” she thought to herself as she reigned in her composure.
“It’s fine. I’ve seen worse in my centuries of rule,” Celestia said shortly, floating a cup of tea to her lips and sipping from it regally, her composure regained. “Mistakes happen, after all, that is simply life. I think we can have a civil conversation now, yes?” she asked, looking at Discord with barely veiled distaste.
“I just want to understand why you’re so set against my being with Luna. I've been there for her the last few months far more than you have when she needed your support. She would talk to me, I couldn’t speak, but just having somepony to talk was all she needed. You were too busy, you’re always too busy. Luna and I wanted your attention, and you cast us aside, imprisoned and isolated us for our attempts, which were, in hindsight, drastic, but we just wanted you to pay attention to us instead of all your little subjects,” Discord said as he leaned over the table with the ghost of desperation in his eyes.
“That’s absurd. You were trying to rend the fabric of reality for fun, and Luna was admittedly ignored in favor of my daylight, but times have changed and ponies adore Luna now.” Celestia countered evenly.
Discord shook his head and sat back in his chair. “You don’t get it; I was trying to get your attention because you never noticed me, I… I loved you. At least I thought I did at the time. Luna wanted your affection; she thought you were ignoring and didn’t even care about her because you were more concerned with what other ponies thought of you. Is that why you can’t stand me; because Luna and I and connected through your negligence? You hate me because I’m closer to her than you are, that’s what this is, isn’t it? You can’t stand that I understand her better than you ever have,” Discord said before jolting in surprise as the realization dawned on him, “You’re jealous…”
Celestia nearly gagged on her tea. “J-jealous!? That’s absurd, why in Equestria would I be jealous of a forsaken monster that preys on innocent fillies’ hearts? You aren’t closer to her; she’s merely experiencing a minor crush from your meddling around with her feelings. I’m not jealous.”
Discord grinned triumphantly and stuck his tongue out. “Oh yes you are, you’re so jealous it burns you up inside! I can’t believe it, the noble Celestia is jealous of little old me!” he said as his eyes shone with devious delight. Finally, all of Celestia’s haughty huff and puff routines were brushed aside by the simple act of jealousy, and Discord relished the sweet moment of victory. “You’re jealous!”
Celestia’s brow furrowed slightly, “I’m not-“
“Jealous.”
“No, I am not je-“
“You’re so jealous.”
“I am not! I’m just-“
“Inconsolably jealous?”
“I AM NOT JEALOUS!” Celestia roared, diving over the table to strangle the giggling god of chaos, sending the uneaten snacks sailing through the air to smack into walls or plop to the floor. The enraged equine seethed as she thumped Discord’s head against the stone floor, roughly shaking him as her hooves endeavored to crush his windpipe.
“I told you somepony was wasting sugary sweets!” a scandalized voice shrieked from the doorway and Pinkie Pie burst into the kitchen quickly scooping up the scattered snacks and nuzzling them. “Shhhhhh, Auntie Pinkie’s here to make it better, don’t worry…” she crooned softly. The other movie patrons hesitantly stepped in as well and stared at Celestia who was straddling Discord who was gurgling and turning a comical shade of purple now.
“Sister… Why are you strangling my special somepony..?” Luna asked darkly, her eyes hidden from sight by the dark shadows on the night mare’s face. “Again, might I add?”
Celestia looked like a foal caught with her hoof in the cookie jar, “H-hello Lu-Lu, how w-was the movie? I didn’t think it would be that short.” she laughed nervously.
“Gurgle!” Discord gurgled.
“Oh dear… I don’t think he can… um, breathe,” Fluttershy said as she fluttered over the asphyxiated draconequus and nudged his cheek gently with her hoof. “You should stop strangling him, Princess. If that’s okay I mean; I wouldn’t want to boss you around…”
Rarity sighed and trotted out of the kitchen. “I’ve already wasted precious time enough just getting down here; I won’t stay for paltry shenanigans when I could be drinking in that gorgeous stallion on the silver screen. Now I must have the film rewound, how rude of an interruption.” She threw her nose into the air and swiftly disappeared back to the theatre.
“Ah’ll just go make sure she doesn’t give the poor fella in the booth a hard time, seems like ya’ll have whatever this is under control.” A tip of the hat and Applejack was gone.
Rainbow Dash just left.
Twilight rubbed her temple with a hoof and separated Celestia from Discord so Fluttershy could administer first aid, depositing her former teacher in front of her glowering sister so she could assist Fluttershy. Besides, who wanted to get in Luna’s way right now?
Luna looked down at her sister who shrunk back sheepishly. “Well?” she demanded.
“He started it..?” Celestia offered with an attempted smile.
“I am growing very tired of you assaulting Discord. You know I love him, and I love you as well, so it pains me when you two fight. It seems to be every time I let you two out of my sight, in fact,” Luna said. “All I want is to love him, and for you to be happy for me.”
Celestia stood up and grimaced. “Luna, he isn’t good, he’s-“
“I never said he was good, I know he has a devious streak in him to this very moment, but I love him regardless. Sister, he makes me happy… He always has time for me, and you do not…” Luna said, her voice taking on a hollow tone. “Until you can set aside whatever petty grudges you have against him, please do not speak to me lest it is absolutely necessary. Come, Twilight, Fluttershy. We shall take Discord to my room where he will not be harmed further, I trust,” she said quietly, quickly leaving the kitchen with Discord in tow, Fluttershy and Twilight close behind.
Celestia’s shoulders sagged. “Luna… How can I save you if you refuse to see reason? I won’t let that monster tear you apart; I can’t let him destroy another pony’s heart…”
Celestia flinched as a hoof firmly placed itself on her shoulder, and as she turned to face the owner of that hoof, she was taken aback to see Pinkie Pie, although something was off about her… weren’t her mane and tail curled before?
“Maybe he will, and maybe he won’t, but don’t you think this is something she has to figure out herself?” a soft voice called from behind her. “Sometimes, we just have to accept that we can’t control everything and that sometimes we don’t know what’s best for everypony. Not every party has a mile long guest list or mountains of presents, but every party is a party because there’s love between the ponies there,” Pinkie said sagely, removing her hoof as she trotted to the door. She stopped before crossing the doorway and looked back over her shoulder. “Would it really be so bad to be wrong about him, just this once? Trying to stamp out love never works, I’m sure you would know,” she said in an almost knowing tone before disappearing.
“No… it never does… I know all too well what can happen…” Celestia agreed to the empty room. “This is different, I know it is. I’m trying to protect her, and I’ll do whatever I can to save her, even if it means taking extreme measures.”