My son was playing in the sand when I was inside sipping my morning joe. It was hot, but my love for my son was hotter; my filly was black hair really redish black eyes, and young, like the morning moon.
“daddy!” she say with little look on eye.
I was very proud of her drawing which was me but not her mother because she was very dead and I am now sad.
SUDDENLY A PORTAL OPENED AND THERE WAS A SMALL MAN WHO LOOKED LIKE A MIDGET AND HAIRLESS APE! i LIFTED MY HOOF AND TOOK MY LITTLE HORSE GIRL INTO MY ARMS TO SHEILD HER FROM HIS BULLETS!
“I will kill you because I aqm from the future but if you give me your child I will not kill you!” He looked human, though I did not know what that was!
My look was very big, but not big enough to take a full bullet to the center of my forhead and live, so I gave up my little filly while she screamed
\”No daddy please !” I was so sad! But what could I do? I was only horse ( Pony) who did not want to die! But when the portal closed, and my filly (pony) girl was gone, I looked at my cutie mark.
IT was a knife, but not any knife that attacks and kills you in the night, but a army knife from my days in the war with the pony russians??
“Celestia, no!!” My mark depicted big grenade with knife inside it. It meant I was a war pony.
I needed to find one of the main 6!
----------
Twilight sparkle was in her tree house, reading old book (This was early in the show ok). I suddenly burst in and yell, “I need your help to kill a human who took my child from me but I was too sad to fight back!”
“That is so very sad!”
She helped me and made a device that made time turn back so I could go back in time and attack the man with my hoof but with also a weapon who she the made and gave to the me! I was so the very happy, but there was still one thing i needed?
“I need my old weapons, as you know, I am from the vietnam war, and granades yes! granades ARE MY SPECIALTY.”
She was purple, but not too purple. She also had one wing, because I ripped one off when we fight on different sides in the war, but I made up with her and she loves me now. (This is a secret, but my daughter is HERS!!!!)
“I have them right here,” She said while having them.
I take them.
“I am now the ready!”
The portal opened up and I saw it! It was my filly reddish black eyed daughter with red main and black hoofs and blue ears playing in the sun. Oh gosh how i wanted to save her!
But then the human came out and SHOT AND KILLED twilight in the face! With a big gun! I took it away, but he knocked me to the ground and sat on me!
“I need your daughter’s life essence because we need to take it for the cutie mark!” He yelled with big yell!
“You bastard,” I shouted at him “Why do you do this?!”
“You stupid fool!” He walked out the door, “I will win every way from sunday! Now, guards, take this dirty pony man away and drag him out into the sun and shoot him, but only out by the wall ok?”
Two big guards (Who were human man) wearing pony manes which looked TOO real to be fake. On their shoulders. They were babies!
I cried out in fear.!
They pulled out big knives. They threatened me, they told me to get in cage and I had to the listen. But i did the sneaky and did not lock gate when stepped inside leaving it slightly ajar! They turned around and lit cigarettes and I snuck out the door sneakily. Sneaking up behind one, who was smoking, I said in my most gruffest voice, “Need at light?”
He turn around quickly but all he saw was a horses ass as I kicked him in the face turning his skull into a putred jelly into boogers and bones
His buddy cried “On know he -”
He was cut off when i took out his knife and stabbed him and I whispered into his ear “You will poay for what you have done to the me”
----
Bad guy
I scared then he split me teeth!
------
Main character
\”Why the long face!” I said laughing Now to get my horse daughter!
I escaped gracefully threw a window throwing the guards body out the window to break glass and killed another guard who was wearing another cuitiemark that6 he stole from the youth that they most likely threw into the volcano god who they loved.
I was very angry now. I shouted in a rage “AHHH IM COMING FOR YOU NATAS! (The bad guy’s name. (The one im tracking (the one who stole my son)))a
I galloped away towards the gate which was closing rapidly. the guard raised the alerarm. a stupid guard must have seen the desicrated body of his comrade when i threw it out the window and kjill the other oine./
Natas was there too! He yelled “I am human and you will die and pony scum! You think you rule the world? This why we harvest your young! It is because you are below us like animals!”
“no..” I yell. “YTou are scum! How dare you insult my so nand also pony kind! Celesta will smite you for your trangenderrations!”
He sneard because the gate closed with big clank smash because it drawn bridge as well as port something. I think he then threw grande and i blew up!
BANG!
But didn’t really die, because the secret trick that my grand dad taught me. I never knew my father because I just remembered t6hat natas killed my father! I used smoke grenade to sneak up behind him and slit his fingers.
“woh!” he breathed. “THat hurt my ankles!”
I shouted into his ears “This is what you deserve! Celestia take you soul to pony hell forever and ever for kill twilight to, ithink. Shed was very old though because this is years in the future.”
He whispered into my ewar through gritted teeth “Don’t you ever want to see your son, celeste again?”
I punched him in the face. he stammered out “Wow!”
I screamed at him, “You better show me where he is right now. Where you tookm him you bastard.”
“Sure he said with a sly smile?
Just follow me!
“Don’t get any ideas i am the onew with the knife!”
He grimissed at that.
We then went to a boat, which was very rickety and musty (Like stinky) and I had to not try to throw up my dinner which i did not have.
“Here,” he said as he opened a door. “This is you son!”
I charged through the door head long and saw my son, and i gave him a big hug. Then i looked back in big eyes as mister NATAS clank door shut with little key and laughed. “You are now my slaves, who i will harvest from like a dolphin.”
Then, to my surprise, a portal opened and my son jumped through. I could hardly believe……… IT WAS ME, but in a bandana because my eye was gone, and the other was a robot eye!
“Come with me,” he said in voice from the video game solid snake. “If you want to live!”
;-----’
New chapter soon.
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHY YOU HATE IT YOU CANT JUST DOWNVOTE
Can I hate it just a little without a comment?
10404749
no you must tell me why. this is not a place to dump hate. one more time and you will BE banned
10404769
That is not good criticism because
10404778 That’s how you thank me after welcoming you back to the site with open arms?
10404784
I went to writing school and got good grades and now I am here but people hate me because I want to be a girl (I am a girl) I have read MANY STORIES about real stuff so I am now trying to get published for real and this is a side story in which I can show off how I write
Alright. I downvoted for a few reasons.
1. It had an interesting concept, but it felt a bit rushed, and there was not much character or story development to speak of.
2. Your grammar, spelling, and capitalization is unfortunately, atrocious. I would advise you to get an editor for future stories that you write.
I am not going to make any other judgements, as I do not know if this is your first story. Nonetheless, there's always room for improvement.
You want a reason for disliking your story? Fine.
The amount of poor capitalization and grammatical errors is very apparent. This in and of itself is enough to make most people dislike a story.
For more specific problems, the jarring shift to a fully capitalized sentence is not necessary. This is a cheap way to emphasize moments that is considered to be amateur. Another thing is using parenthesis to provide additional information to readers. Don't do that. This is also an amateur writing crutch. Either work it into the story or leave it out and trust your readers to be smart enough to figure it out based on other context. And, maybe it is just me not reading it in-depth, but it seems that this chapter is all over the place with no set plot or structure. The first chapter (if one plans to write a multi-chapter story) must hook the readers attention and get them interested, as well as usually set up the entire story, else resulting in the current predicament.
In all honesty, it seems that this was written as a first draft in an hour, then immediately posted without a second thought. I would take time to fix the punctuation, capitalization, and grammatical issues first before doing anything else.
Welcome back.
10404927
Wrong. Please learn to write ok?
10404911
Nope! Please stop commenting if you have literally NOTHING to say! You will be blocked if you reply! TRY ME
10404958
Actually, I do know how to write. I also know how to use correct capitalization and grammar.
You ask for feedback and people to tell you why they hate it, but then brush it off or tell them they are wrong. Seems a tad bit contradictory.
10404977
Learn. How. To. Write.
I went to school for english. Did you?
10404730
Actually, people can.
You just don't like to admit it.
10405002
Nope!! You're wrong, you know. ID LIKE PEOPLE TO QUOT MY STORY TO THE PARTS THEY DONT LIKE THANK YOU
10405023
Literally who are you? Try harder little man <3
10405001
I did graduate. Also, like I said, I do know how to write, which is why I'm giving you feedback on your writing instead of simply disliking and leaving you to wonder what might cause said dislike.
10405031
Calm down! No need to lie!!
10405035
>a literal who
10405038
You keep deleting comments you don't want to see.
What exactly does that say about yourself?
10405040
I have graduated top of my class in California writing institute for the gifted. Prob done more than you!! Graduate high school ok? Then we'll talk!
10405045
Shh
10405050
Looool.
10405054
>if you so desire it.
Send me your highschool records. I dont believe you.
I explained my reasoning, and did not attack you in any way. I apologize if criticism offends you, but I find it helps greatly for writers of every skill level.
10405059
10405062
You know what? You're too far gone. I'm done here.
10405046
"Graduated top of your class."
I would be more inclined to believe this if the following didn't exist:
Poor grammar.
Using parenthesis to provide additional information that isn't relevant to the current situation.
Showing and not telling. Even more so, contradicting the knowledge that your character has. You say the protagonist thinks the newcomer looks human, but then state that he doesn't know what a human is?
Again, using parenthesis to give information.
These are some problems that someone who 'graduated top of their class' wouldn't have.
10405060
Can you please read the story?? I see no specific criticism??
I'm torn between feeling impressed by the audacity of simply allowing for the presence of such a lackluster store, or horrified by the recklessness that accompanies it.
Incredible.
10405066
Nice! You just went into the story and changed the grammar yourself to make me look bad! Post again and you're blocked
10405069
Thank you!!! What did you like about the story! A lot of haters out here today!
TO ALL THE HATERS: STOP LYING AND READ THE STORY. MY FANS STILL SUPsupport mePORT ME.
10405064
Cry more
Thanks for deleting my comment.