You know, I use to be a normal human. Everything was good, I have a family, a job, etc... . One night I played one of my favourite games: Hoi4 with the Equestria at war mod. After that I go to sleep. If I've know sleeping can change my life.
I continue to kill the attackers one by one. It takes them sometimes but they finally saw the sun reflect on the visor's glaces and point their weapons at me.
Dude the chances of someone seeing something like that in real life is almost zero Just say they heard the gunshot sound It's more realistic and acceptable
Hmm very well done here, I look forward to seeing what he will get and how he will rise to power. And I’m wondering but what site did you get the rifle from and what is his pistol? A M1911A1, a Browning Hi Power or a Luger kind?
And here’s some pics that I think might like and maybe want to use in your story:
10433971 Yeah I know it's not very realistic😁 Just imagine the sun in this world is closer than our sun and just because this will be no always serious but I take the idea, thank you.
10434124 The gear I found it on artstation but the rifle I only search on google and found it. The pistol will be in the next chapter, I think and thank you for your idea, I will try to put it in the story.
10435542 Thanks and your welcome and as another suggestion for the story maybe later on some mechs from the Iron Harvest 1920 game could be added in as well
A few issues that I've come across that immediately pulled me out of the story: 1.) What is a "visor"? I've never heard of a visor in the context you have provided. Do you mean a scope or optic ? From the context, I'm going to assume it's a scope as you'd want to be closer with an optic than a scope since the optic lacks any form of magnification.
2.) The main character is described as "wanting to be in the military" and then a bit later described as having "received an award for meritorious conduct while serving in the military". You can have one of these, not both. If you want to describe wanting to have continued serving after getting out (whether voluntary or not), swap the phrases of "I want to be in the military" to "I want to get back into the military".
3.) The whole thing regarding having received an award for combat action is... extremely lacking. It sounds like you have not actually researched what goes into receiving an award for valorous conduct, much less what happens when you are removed from military service for combat injuries (which is not a simple thing when you are still in one whole piece, and since you haven't mentioned anything about any missing limbs, I'm going to have to conclude that his injuries were relatively minor and not something the government is just going to accept and write off their multi-thousand dollar investment in training someone from civilian to soldier, and closer to multimillion if that soldier goes into a special operations force like Rangers or SF). That's... Yeah, that's not how that goes. At all. I'm not even going to touch what it means to be extracting a VIP and to have a bomb "accidentally" go off... In fact, let's just label that entire section as... In need of some work... Not asking for perfection, but at least something that makes some degree of sense.
4.) There is a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing (not an uncommon issue in the realms of fanfiction). For example: (in my experience, too many people just say that "you're telling and not showing" without explaining what that actually means, so this example is something I have started giving to anyone I see making this mistake so they have some idea of what it means to "show" and not "tell". And yes, I have had people get pissy at me for giving this example, so that's why I started slapping this disclaimer on it as well: this isn't intended to be insulting, just an example)
Slowly sitting up, Jake let out a soft groan. Another dreamless night, though only three hours of sleep this time. "Thank god," he whispered as he stretched out his legs before pushing himself off the bed and into the wheelchair next to it. Despite it having been over three years, he still winced as he looked at the stumps where his legs used to be.
He could still remember that day like it was yesterday when he pushed himself up off the ground, ears ringing loudly, only to not be able to get more than his chest off the ground. He had jumped when someone grabbed him by his vest, rolled him over and started dragging him away. There had been a smoking crater in the middle of the road, and a trail of red leading from it to his-
"Okay, that's enough with that," Jake said forcefully, shaking his head to try and suppress those memories.
Without directly telling you, I showed that "Jake" was suffering from something that caused nightmares, likely PTSD, and had been for some time (three years, with additional supporting evidence that he was able to snap himself out of painful memories) and was not used to getting undisturbed sleep. Along with this, I showed that he was used to not having any legs anymore and that it was an explosion (whether by IED, VBIED, artillery, or some other high explosive ordinance) that caused his dual amputation. There's also hints that he was military, given the mention of the vest and someone being strong enough to drag him away. Very little of that was straight up told to the reader.
Now, for the application. You have told me that William is some sort of soldier. You have not shown me that. If anything, you've shown me that he wants to be a soldier, as he doesn't act like he was a soldier. You've told me that he was discharged from the military. You have told me that he knows how to shoot, but have used incorrect basic terminology. I could go on, but I think the point was made. Show me who and what the main character is, don't tell me. If anyone tells you doing this is easy, they are instantly a liar. It takes a LOT of practice to make it easy, and even then you'll run into telling and not showing without even realizing it.
5.) Lots of grammar errors, and a few spelling ones. Biggest/most frequent grammar error I've seen is the switching of tenses. Chose one and stay with it the entire time. Personally, I find past tense to work the easiest (William got up. William grabbed his rifle. William pulled the trigger. etc), but I know some people find present tense easier. You even have tense switches in the same sentence. Ex:
The screen disappeared and the time restart to move...
"The screen disappeared..." past tense. "...the time restart to move..." present tense (ignoring the additional bad grammar of "restart to move", as "restart" implies that something that had once moved is moving again, making the "to move" part of the sentence redundant). Chose one and stick with it for the entire narrative portion of the story. Dialogue has its own fun rules in English, but that can be a conversation for another time.
Overall, not a bad effort for someone newer to the writing game. As much as I like the premise, I think I'll pass on continuing. Don't be discouraged. You're new to this. Keep working at it, and five years down the line you'll look back and think "Oh, damn... Did I really write this garbage?" I know I did when I was recently looking at the first piece of writing I published on the internet. It's still up (not here), and I can barely stand the sight of the damn thing. SOOOO much cringe
Anyway, good luck and keep on writing. You'll only improve with practice.
EDIT: Holy stream of consciousness, Batman... This is what I get for not rereading what I post. Long as hell post with multiple run-on sentences Eh, that's what having a good editor is for May God have mercy on their souls, for I will show them none
EDIT2: I really need to start rereading what I write out before submitting it. Pointing out grammar errors while making similar errors myself Again, I cannot emphasize the value of a good proofreader (or, even better, an editor) enough.
Dude the chances of someone seeing something like that in real life is almost zero
Just say they heard the gunshot sound
It's more realistic and acceptable
Hmm very well done here, I look forward to seeing what he will get and how he will rise to power. And I’m wondering but what site did you get the rifle from and what is his pistol? A M1911A1, a Browning Hi Power or a Luger kind?
And here’s some pics that I think might like and maybe want to use in your story:
https://www.deviantart.com/thedrowningearth/art/Downfall-Wandering-Warrior-804756455
https://www.deviantart.com/tugodoomer/art/US-ranger-739104241
https://www.deviantart.com/tugodoomer/art/Polish-Soldier-739102551
https://www.deviantart.com/tugodoomer/art/British-Commando-V2-739103091
https://www.deviantart.com/tugodoomer/art/Panzergrenadier-1-739105099
https://www.deviantart.com/l3monjuic3/art/Republic-Medium-Infantry-719637823
10433971
Yeah I know it's not very realistic😁
Just imagine the sun in this world is closer than our sun and just because this will be no always serious but I take the idea, thank you.
10434124
The gear I found it on artstation but the rifle I only search on google and found it. The pistol will be in the next chapter, I think and thank you for your idea, I will try to put it in the story.
10435542
Thanks and your welcome and as another suggestion for the story maybe later on some mechs from the Iron Harvest 1920 game could be added in as well
10435630
Why not. I will think about that.
10437024
Of course
A few issues that I've come across that immediately pulled me out of the story:
1.) What is a "visor"? I've never heard of a visor in the context you have provided. Do you mean a scope or optic ? From the context, I'm going to assume it's a scope as you'd want to be closer with an optic than a scope since the optic lacks any form of magnification.
2.) The main character is described as "wanting to be in the military" and then a bit later described as having "received an award for meritorious conduct while serving in the military". You can have one of these, not both. If you want to describe wanting to have continued serving after getting out (whether voluntary or not), swap the phrases of "I want to be in the military" to "I want to get back into the military".
3.) The whole thing regarding having received an award for combat action is... extremely lacking. It sounds like you have not actually researched what goes into receiving an award for valorous conduct, much less what happens when you are removed from military service for combat injuries (which is not a simple thing when you are still in one whole piece, and since you haven't mentioned anything about any missing limbs, I'm going to have to conclude that his injuries were relatively minor and not something the government is just going to accept and write off their multi-thousand dollar investment in training someone from civilian to soldier, and closer to multimillion if that soldier goes into a special operations force like Rangers or SF). That's... Yeah, that's not how that goes. At all. I'm not even going to touch what it means to be extracting a VIP and to have a bomb "accidentally" go off... In fact, let's just label that entire section as... In need of some work... Not asking for perfection, but at least something that makes some degree of sense.
4.) There is a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing (not an uncommon issue in the realms of fanfiction). For example: (in my experience, too many people just say that "you're telling and not showing" without explaining what that actually means, so this example is something I have started giving to anyone I see making this mistake so they have some idea of what it means to "show" and not "tell". And yes, I have had people get pissy at me for giving this example, so that's why I started slapping this disclaimer on it as well: this isn't intended to be insulting, just an example)
Without directly telling you, I showed that "Jake" was suffering from something that caused nightmares, likely PTSD, and had been for some time (three years, with additional supporting evidence that he was able to snap himself out of painful memories) and was not used to getting undisturbed sleep. Along with this, I showed that he was used to not having any legs anymore and that it was an explosion (whether by IED, VBIED, artillery, or some other high explosive ordinance) that caused his dual amputation. There's also hints that he was military, given the mention of the vest and someone being strong enough to drag him away. Very little of that was straight up told to the reader.
Now, for the application. You have told me that William is some sort of soldier. You have not shown me that. If anything, you've shown me that he wants to be a soldier, as he doesn't act like he was a soldier. You've told me that he was discharged from the military. You have told me that he knows how to shoot, but have used incorrect basic terminology. I could go on, but I think the point was made. Show me who and what the main character is, don't tell me. If anyone tells you doing this is easy, they are instantly a liar. It takes a LOT of practice to make it easy, and even then you'll run into telling and not showing without even realizing it.
5.) Lots of grammar errors, and a few spelling ones. Biggest/most frequent grammar error I've seen is the switching of tenses. Chose one and stay with it the entire time. Personally, I find past tense to work the easiest (William got up. William grabbed his rifle. William pulled the trigger. etc), but I know some people find present tense easier. You even have tense switches in the same sentence. Ex:
"The screen disappeared..." past tense. "...the time restart to move..." present tense (ignoring the additional bad grammar of "restart to move", as "restart" implies that something that had once moved is moving again, making the "to move" part of the sentence redundant). Chose one and stick with it for the entire narrative portion of the story. Dialogue has its own fun rules in English, but that can be a conversation for another time.
Overall, not a bad effort for someone newer to the writing game. As much as I like the premise, I think I'll pass on continuing. Don't be discouraged. You're new to this. Keep working at it, and five years down the line you'll look back and think "Oh, damn... Did I really write this garbage?" I know I did when I was recently looking at the first piece of writing I published on the internet. It's still up (not here), and I can barely stand the sight of the damn thing. SOOOO much cringe
Anyway, good luck and keep on writing. You'll only improve with practice.
EDIT: Holy stream of consciousness, Batman... This is what I get for not rereading what I post. Long as hell post with multiple run-on sentences Eh, that's what having a good editor is for May God have mercy on their souls, for I will show them none
EDIT2: I really need to start rereading what I write out before submitting it. Pointing out grammar errors while making similar errors myself Again, I cannot emphasize the value of a good proofreader (or, even better, an editor) enough.