Diamonds are a girl's best friend?
Guy Talk
Diamonds are
Episode 7
“I’m-”
“Everyone knows your loser names already. Introduce me.” The pink filly demanded as she interrupted Snips.
“Today on Guy Talk we have two very…. special guests. I’d like to introduce Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara.” Spike said with an annoyed tone.
“Hey! You were supposed to introduce me first.” Diamond Tiara complained.
“Anyway, I’m Spike! He’s Snips.”
“Hey.”
“That’s Snails.”
“Yo.”
“This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment, and our producer, Vinyl Scratch, is very angry at me. Apparently, I asked you guys to write some less than kind things about our guests and you did not disappoint.” Vinyl Scratch sighed.
“I’ve read a lot of mail for this show and never have I gotten a pile of letters this negative before. I mean there wasn’t one nice letter in the entire bag. I usually just have to check a few letters for a good response. I went through hundreds of letters and not a one of them had a positive thing to say.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad. Diamond Tiara can be difficult, but somepony else must have written something nice.” Silver Spoon said coming to the defense of her friend.
“I’m sorry, kid. I got absolutely nothing. The closest thing I got are some kindly worded requests to do some very unpleasant things.”
“What were the letters you did get like?” Snips asked.
“Pretty mean. I got one that started ‘Dear Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,’ then its just five pages of obscenities strung together without any rhyme or reason. They actually run out of halfway through the first page and start making some up. I got to give the guy credit though. Some of them are pretty clever.”
“Hmph! Can we get on with this? We’re supposed to be talking about me!”
“We’re talking about how much people hate you. Maybe if you listened you might learn something about yourself.” Spike suggested.
“I don’t care what they think. They’re obviously just jealous of my beauty and upbringing.”
“Is she serious?” Spike asked his friends.
“Pretty much.” Snails sighed.
“Yep.” Snips admitted.
“You idiots just don’t understand her. Diamond Tiara is the most wonderful filly in Ponyville, if not all of Equestria.” Silver Spoon said standing up for her friend once again. The three boys looked at each other before bursting into a fit of laughter.
“What’s so funny?” Diamond Tiara asked pounding her hooves into the table.
“And they call me funny!” Spike said with tears in his eyes.
“Whew! That’s a good one, Silver Spoon.” Snails said holding his gut.
“You really had me going there. I almost thought you meant that.” Snips said about to fall out of his own chair.
“I did mean it!” Silver Spoon shouted.
“Ok, Silver Spoon. It was funny the first time but you don’t want to milk it. Let’s get to the questions before I die laughing.” Spike sighed.
“Hit it, guys!” Vinyl Scratch asked.
“Three.” Snips started.
“Two.” Snails followed.
“One. It‘s question time with Scratch!” They shouted together.
“Aww, look at that Silver Spoon! They can count to three.”
“That must be some kind of record for them, Diamond Tiara.” The two fillies snickered.
“Hey, I’m the only one who makes fun of the countdown. Sit down, shut up, and don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.” Spike told them.
“You can’t tell us what to do.” Diamond Tiara said standing her ground.
“If you don’t like it, you can leave.” Spike said pointing a thumb at the door.
“We’re not some dumb blank flanks. You’re going to have to do way better than that to get rid of us.” Silver Spoon said with a smug smile plastered across her face.
“And don’t forget that I could make this little show of yours disappear with one word to daddy.” Diamond Tiara said pulling her trump card. Spike was about to respond when Snails spoke up.
“Don’t worry about it, Spike. It was a lame joke anyway.”
“Yeah, let’s just keep going. How about that first question, Vinyl Scratch?” Snips signaling for a change of topic.
“Okay, our first question came from a lot of ponies out there. I’m just going to ask it without all the curse words they used though. Why are you so mean?”
“What‘s wrong with being mean?” Diamond Tiara retorted.
“You’re kidding, right? You forced your way into our studio and demanded that we let you on as our guest or you would take us off the air. I think that‘s plenty wrong.” The dragon stated with more than fair amount of disbelief.
“The Cutie Mark Crusaders did the same thing.” Silver Spoon retorted.
“No, they didn’t. We invited them.” Snails agued back.
“Only because they were going to beat you up.” Silver Spoon responded.
“Okay, I think we’re getting off topic. The point is there were nicer ways you could have gone about it.” Spike said.
“Really? If I had just walked up to you and asked nicely, would you have let us on the show?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“No way!” Snails said.
“Exactly! I just did what was necessary to get what I want. If I had been nice about it, you would have just said no.”
“The only reason we’d say no is because you’re always mean to us. Why would we ever let you on the show?” The diminutive colt shot back.
“All you do is make fun of us. Why should we act all nice just because you ask for something?”
“Let me put this terms even you idiots can understand. Being mean is the only way to get what you want. I‘m on your show because I wasn‘t nice about it. I didn‘t have to wait, beg, or say please. I saw something I wanted and took it because that’s the way the world works. That‘s the only way to get what you want.” The pink filly explained.
“Aren’t you worried about driving people away? I don’t think you’d make too many friends with that kind of attitude.” Spike asked. Diamond Tiara scoffed at his question.
“Who cares about friends? If I want something, I don’t let anything get in my way and I always get my way.”
“What about when Silver Spoon wants to do something else?” Snails asked.
“We always do what Diamond Tiara want.” Silver Spoon said seemingly proud of that fact.
“Come on! You can’t always want to do what Diamond Tiara wants.” Snips said looking at her incredulously.
“Yeah, you’re a completely different pony with your own thoughts and ideas. It’s not possible that you would agree with Diamond Tiara on everything. There’s got to be something you disagree on.” Spike pointed out. Silver Spoon looked like she was pensive for a moment before responding.
“Well, I guess maybe there are times I disagree, but as long as I get to hang out with Diamond Tiara, it doesn’t matter what we do.” Silver Spoon said nervously playing with her ponytail. Spike looked to his friends who were also starting to see why Silver Spoon put up with Diamond Tiara.
“Could I ask what you like about Diamond Tiara?” Spike’s question made Silver Spoon light up with joy.
“What’s not to like? She smart, confident, beautiful, and intelligent. She’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind either and her fashion sense is-”
“Okay, I get it.” Spike said putting an end to her gushing.
“That’s why Silver Spoon is such a great friend. She really gets me.”
“We so get each other. Hugs, bestie?” The filly said holding her arms out.
“Of course, bestie.” Diamond Tiara said embracing her friend.
“Mmmmm.” Silver Spoon said enjoying the hug a little more than a platonic friend should. Diamond Tiara actually had to pry herself away from her friends grasp.
“Okay, Silver Spoon. That’s enough hugs for now. You‘re so weird sometimes.” The filly said finally managing to pull herself away.
“Sorry.” Silver Spoon said looking down with red cheeks. Spike, Snips, and Snails were all starting to understand the dynamic behind their relationship.
“Huddle!” Spike called out. Snips and Snails immediately gathered around the dragon forming a circle of secrecy.
“Did you guys know about this?” Spike asked his friend.
“I had no idea.” Snips admitted.
“They’re usually so busy being mean we just try and ignore them.”
“Well, what do we do now? I don’t think Diamond Tiara has a clue. She’s so wrapped up in herself she can’t see what’s going on.” Spike asked.
“We could tell her.” Snails suggested.
“I don’t know. That could really make thing awkward between them. They might even stop being friends.” Spike pondered aloud. Snips and Snails looked at each other with devious smiles.
“Good idea!” Snips said happily.
“Let‘s do that!” Snails nodded.
“Hold on a second! We can‘t just break them up. If we did that, we‘d be no better than Diamond Tiara. That‘s exactly the kind of thing she‘d do.”
“Aww, I don’t want to take the high road!” Snips whined.
“Yeah, low road for the win.”
“No, we’re better than that.” Spike said holding his head up high.
“If you dorks are done sharing a brain, I’d like to get back to what’s really important, me.” Diamond Tiara shouted.
“Low road! Low road! Low road!” Snips and Snails chanted. Spike was tempted to indulge them but stood firm,
“No! I don’t like it either, but we’re not stooping to her level and I don‘t want a word out of you two about this.” Spike said. The two of them reluctantly mumbled their agreement.
“Alright! Let’s finish this thing.” Spike said as they turned their attention back to their annoying guests.
“It’s about time! What were you talking about anyway?” Diamond Tiara asked angrily.
“Nothing! Let’s get to the next question.” Spike said looking to Vinyl Scratch.
“Hey, I just got some curse word free questions in. This one’s from Tootsie Flute. Hey, Tiara… Is it true that you still have Featherweight zip around taking pictures to look at when you’re all alone? P.S. Stay away from Truffle, or I will end you. Love, Tootsie Flute!”
“I cut all ties with the Foal Free Press and its new editor after my unfair and blatantly biased dismissal.” Diamond Tiara stated.
“There was nothing unfair about it. You were invading people’s privacy and reporting it as news, not to mention twisting my words around.” Spike complained.
“I didn’t see anyone complaining at first. As a matter of fact, my run as editor took the Foal Free Press from obscurity to the most popular paper in town. We were bigger than the town’s actual paper. As for Truffle Shuffle, I don’t like my guys covered in crumbs and constantly eating so he’s all yours.”
“So you like guys?” Snips asked.
“Ew! Don’t get your hopes up, dork!” The colt suddenly got a wicked idea on how to reveal Silver Spoon’s crush.
“I only asked because… Spike has a huge crush on you!” Snips shouted.
“What!” Spike and Silver Spoon both shouted in disbelief.
“Well, I suppose you’re not too bad. He’s definitely cuter than the colts in this town, but that’s not really saying much. I guess you could be my boyfriend but I’m going to have to lay down a few ground rules first.”
“Hold on-”
“First rule! Don’t interrupt me. When I’m talking, you should always be quiet. My next rule concerns your look. If we‘re going to be seen together, you‘re going to have to do something about you look. You represent me now. If you look bad, I look bad and I never look bad. Last but not least, you are to be five minutes early for every date and bring me a gift every time. F.Y.I, I don‘t accept cheap knockoffs or arts and craft, got it?” Spike looked at her wondering if she was actually serious. Even if he did have a crush on her which he most certainly did not, he would have never entered into such a stifling relationship.
“Tell me you’re kidding, Diamond Tiara! Spike’s nowhere near good enough for someone like you.” Silver Spoon protested.
“Of course, he isn’t, but I’m willing to teach and mold him until he is. Plus it would really get under Apple Bloom‘s fur if I took her crush away” Diamond Tiara said. Spike decided to clear things up before things got too out of hand. Meanwhile Spike was giving Snips a frustrated look.
“Just go with me on this one.” Snips whispered to him. Spike was furious at his friend, but he was curious to see what his friend was trying to do. Spike sighed and nodded his consent, but what Snips did next made him wished he hadn’t.
“Hey, Diamond Tiara! I think he wants to kiss you on air. Isn’t that right, Spike?” Spike looked at his friend with anger and confusion.
“What?!”
“The new couple should always kiss as soon as possible for…uhhh…. Luck! Yep, it’s super lucky.” Snips said interrupting him again.
“I suppose, but no tongue and your breath better not stink.” Silver Spoon was practically coming apart as she tugged on her single braid and her left eye started to twitch uncontrollably.
“As your best friend, I really don’t think you should this.” The filly’s voice was shaky as her braid became undone. She looked like a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Diamond Tiara didn’t seem to notice this at all.
“I think it’s the perfect way to let everyone know who my new boyfriend is.” Diamond Tiara said sitting up in her chair and leaning over the table. Her blue eyes focused on a hesitant Spike. As she met him halfway, Spike wanted to go back to when he had the opportunity to set the opportunity straight. He wished he never trusted Snips, but it was too late to go back. At the very least, he was kissing a very pretty filly, even if she was spoiled rotten. He let that thought carry him as he stood up and leaned in.
As the distance between Spike and Diamond Tiara grew smaller and smaller, Silver Spoon grew more frantic and more frantic. Her breathing became shallow as she watched Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and puckered up to receive Spike’s kiss. She couldn’t let anyone take Diamond Tiara away.
“I love you!” Silver Spoon shouted as she hopped on the table and planted a big wet on her target.
“S-Silver Spoon! What are you doing?” Diamond Tiara shouted as her friend made out with her new boyfriend. Spike, whose eyes were closed, realized upon hearing Diamond Tiara’s voice that the soft lips he were kissing belong to someone else. He opened his eyes and found Silver Spoon was at the end of his lips. Spike pulled back in shock at this turn of events. He wasn’t alone as Snips and Snails were also surprised.
“Explain yourself!” Diamond Tiara demanded completely red with anger.
“I’m sorry, Diamond Tiara. I should have told you before. I have a crush on Spike.” Silver Spoon said taking her seat.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” The filly asked. Silver Spoon looked down unable to answer. Diamond Tiara sighed as she noticed her friend’s sullen expression. The filly turned to Spike and sighed again.
“Spike, I want to break up. I know this is sudden, but I don‘t think it‘s going to work out between us. You did kiss my best friend right in front of me.” Diamond Tiara told him.
“Uhmm… okay.” Spike said accepting the separation. There was plenty to argue, but it’s not like he wanted the relationship in the first place.
“Come on, Silver Spoon. You owe me an ice cream cone for kissing my boyfriend.” Diamond Tiara said smiling at her friend as she got up to leave.
Silver Spoon happily joined her cohort as they walked out of the studio.
“Later, lame-os!” They said in perfect sync as they slammed the door behind them. Spike turned to Snips with a look of absolute rage. The colt chuckled nervously.
“Well… uhhh…. That didn’t go exactly as planned.” Snips said shrugging his shoulder. Spike started to crack his knuckles.
“Enlighten me?” Spike said with a smile that spoke of ill intent.
“I figured if I managed to make Silver Spoon jealous enough that she’d reveal her feelings.” Snips admitted.
“So you threw me to Diamond Tiara, but Silver Spoon outsmarted you. Pretty interesting idea. Too bad, it didn’t work?”
“Hey, you got kissed by a cute girl. I also saved the show. You should be thanking me!”
“Then allow me to share my heartfelt thanks with you!” Spike said punching him in the shoulder.
“Ow!”
“At least she’s gone, we can all be grateful for that.” Snails said. The three of them nodded in relief at the fact.
“Tell me about it! I’ve been around for over a thousand years, and I can honestly say that I’ve never met a pair of fillies as nasty as those two.”
“A thousand years? I think this caller had a little too much to drink. Who is this guy, Scratch?” Snails joked.
“I didn’t patch anyone through. I think that voice is coming from inside the studio.”
“Are you pulling our leg, Scratch? We‘re the only ones in the studio.” Spike said looking at the mare skeptically.
“I can assure you, dear boy, I am no joke. Though I do have a bit of reputation as a prankster.” The voice chuckled. Spike was starting to remember the voice a bit. It sounded familiar but he couldn’t his claw on who it belonged to.
“Who are you? What do you want?” Spike asked the disembodied voice.
“You wound me, Spike. How could you forget me? The prince of preposterous! The lord of the outlandish! The king of all things nonsensical! Am I ringing any bells for you?”
“Oooh! Ooh! I know who you are. Big Mac! No, you’re way too chatty.” Snails said taking his guess back.
“It’s obviously, Mr. Greenhooves, but why is the guy who waters Fluttershy’s flowers calling us?” Snips wondered aloud. Suddenly, it hit Spike where that voice came from.
“Oh no, it’s Discord!”
“Ding! Ding! That’s absolutely right! Now it‘s time for our lucky contestant to pick his prize.” The lights in the room started to blink multiple colors as celebratory music played in the background. Confetti and streamers spewed forth from seemingly nowhere covering the dragon. Everything went dark for a few seconds before the lights came on revealing two doors on the wall across from them, each marked with a number.
“Alright, Spike. Waiting behind both of these doors is a fabulous prize with your name on it! All you have to do is pick one? What‘s it going to be?”
“Pick door number one, Spike!” Snips cheered.
“No way! I got a good feeling about door number two!” Snails shouted.
“We’re not picking either. We have to go get Twilight and the other elements.”
“Spike, I can’t get the doors open! He’s turned all the doorknobs to honey.” Vinyl Scratch said trying to shake viscous fluid from her hooves.
“Looks like you’re in one sticky situation, Spike! Maybe picking a door might help. Care to choose?”
“No, I’m not playing your sick game.” Spike shouted back to the voice.
“Come on, Spike. We might as well try. It’s not like were going anywhere. Pick door number one!” Snips suggested.
“What about my feeling? I say we go with number two.”
“What are you a girl? Only girls have feelings. Be a guy, Spike. Pick door number one!” Snips argued.
“He’s seriously whacked out of his mind! There’s not telling what kind of dangerous stuff could be behind those doors.”
“Such distrust! How about I promise that no harm will come to you or your friends?” Discord offered.
“I don’t know.” Spike said still skeptical. He knew there was a catch to this and it was waiting behind one or both of these doors.
“Come on, Spike. Door number one!” Snips said excited.
“Number two all the way!” Snails shouted.
“Alright, I’ll do it! Just let me think for a moment.” Spike said finally relenting to the pressure of peers and his own curiosity. The lights began to dim and each door was bathe in a spotlight.
“It’s the moment of truth, Spike! Which door is it going to be?”
“I guess I’ll go with number two.” Spike answered hesitantly. Snips groaned in disappointment as Snails celebrated.
“Excellent choice, my boy! Now let’s take a look at your other options.”
“Options? There were other doors!” Spike said confused.
“Of course! You could have picked the studio door or the door to the recording booth which would have led to your freedom.” Discord explained.
“What? You said I had to pick door number one or door number two.” Discord merely laughed at the look of complete dismay on Spike’s face.
“No, I didn’t. I merely introduced the prize doors and told you to pick one. I never said you had to specifically choose one of them.”
“But I wanted to go outside. You turned the doorknobs to honey.” Spike argued.
“It was all part of the game, but I recall a certain dragon refusing to play along at the time.” Spike realized that he was responsible for their current predicament. He was so busy trying to escape he didn’t think about what Discord was saying.
“Hey, what was behind door number one?” Snips asked.
“Good question! Let’s take a look.” The door opened to reveal a luxurious, marble bathhouse filled with beautiful mares playing in a shimmering pool and splashing each other.
“Looks like that was the harem room where each pony has a cutie mark relating to a different sexual pleasure.” The trio stared at the luscious ladies who giggled as they noticed their leering eyes. One unicorn who caught Snips eye conjured a piece of string which she carefully placed on her tongue and held in her mouth for a few seconds. She playfully winked at the colt and stuck out her tongue. The string was now tied to spell out the word “hi” on her tongue.
“I think I’m in love.” Snips said holding his hooves over his heart.
“Hopefully, you love the prize you chose just as much because it’s time to take a look at door number two.” Snips watched in horror as door number one poofed out of existence along with his beloved.
“She was perfect.” He whimpered to himself as he stretched out a hoof in vain. As he did, door number two opened revealing the draconequus himself.
“It looks like your prize is a personal interview with me. How lucky of you to have chosen the right door.” He said stepping into the studio.
“Is that what you want?” Spike asked.
“I absolutely adore your show. Pointless bickering and mindless arguments that go absolutely nowhere. It’s right up my alley.”
“Why would you want to be on our show? I thought you’d be busy trying to takeover Equestria.” Spike wondered.
“Sorry, but that’s asking. The show is over you’ll have to wait till the next episode to ask me any further questions. I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened. This is Guy Talk signing off.”
“Hey, that’s my line! Seriously, I‘m getting a trademark next time.”
A/N; If you have a question for Discord send it to me and it'll appear on the show. I also should explain why this episode is late. I've started working full time at my new job which means less time to work on my stories. Hopefully, I'll adjust and get back to pushing these things out at a quicker pace but until then bear with me.
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lol thats awesome
oh Spike you should always pick door number 1
Spike gets all the bitches!
By which we mean girls who are really bitchy.
And my question made it, yay! I feel all giddy!
C'mon, Spike. Low road, Low road, Low road!
To the dangerous, destructive deity Discord,
Have you yourself had any interest to be in a relationship or would it just be too boring?
Spike's first kiss was with Silver spoon? Not bad
Dear Discord,
If you're known for doing the least expected, than everypony would expect the least expected; Therefore to surprise them you should do nothing. Have you considered doing this?
Awww, Trixie didn't get her question. Well, I suppose I can revise it for Discord. (It should be known that I love TrixieSpike shipping and absolutely loved chapter four.)
"Trixie would like to inform you, mister so-called 'god of chaos' that Spike breaths fire and chews gemstones. In short, he is a sweet, adorable, and charismatic force of destruction, and Trixie herself is the most amazing magician in all of Equestria! Trixie would like to inform you that it was an extremely bad idea to mess with my precious little Spike, and that if you lay one claw on him you will regret it!"
I've also noticed that you still haven't fixed that quotation mark issue. when you're telling a reader who's speaking, it might be a good idea to say so early on instead of placing that information after they've said everything for that paragraph. You also frequently use periods rather than commas at the end of a quote before attaching the speaker.
should be
Two minor flaws in what is otherwise an awesome fanfic. I loved that string-on-tongue moment. Poor Snips!
In other news, it's awesome to hear you have a full-time job! Hope it's good for you.
Discord,
What do you personally believe is the most insane thing you've ever done to anypony?
Discord, would you consider yourself to be handsome if your were a pony?
And if so, what would you like and what would your cutie mark be if you had to have one?
And on a side note, do you like Celestia or Luna better? (Romantically!)
1709439 If you read an earlier chapter of this same fic, Spike's first kiss was actually with Applebloom.
Lol this story is on this website
I read it on fanfiction.com
Still it's a awesome story
Keep it up Jon Roy Smits
You the man
Everypony else that droughts this story
i1204.photobucket.com/albums/bb411/NyanBloodyNeko/MLP%20FiM%20pix/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-stupid-tourists.gif
first the cadence/shining, then the cmc, then Slendermane, then the two douchmongers,and now Discord?
YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i was spike i would have greed growthed and dived upon the women