Twilight Sparkle was banished from Equestria a long time ago for a crime she didn't commit. The rest of the Mane 6 have been searching for her to tell her that she can return. When they do find Twilight, they realize that the trials of surviving outside Equestria have changed their old friend. Not all the changes are necessarily good.
As they return to Equestria, they must figure out who is opposing them. Shadows lurk in every corner, enemies watching for a single misstep. Not to mention, Twilight's shadows are creeping up on her. But even if they do manage to face the trials and troubles, do they have what it takes to face what awaits them back home?
If you want to chat to me, we have a discord server here!
My first try at a story. If there's any grammar, vocabulary, or any kind of mistakes, comment down below and I'll try to fix them. Suggestions welcome in comments! Updates will be irregular, but I'll try not to leave it for more than a month or two at the most(this is a lie)
Editing team: Stinium_Ruide
People who've helped me before:
Ex-coauthor: computerneek
Ex-editor: Holtinater
Making it clear here, the people who used to help me could no longer do so due to irl issues, I am still on friendly terms with them, not to worry :)
Its got some good potential keep up the good work
So was your first draft from a 1st person perspective or did you just miss these in editing?
The pace is a bit fast but I really like the premise of this one, could be reeeeeeeaaalllly good if you work at it!
10327988
thanks! ill edit this in. it was a 1st person originally and im having a friend read it but ill miss some parts :D
It's a good story I hope you will continue it
10327992
That's cool, the only other issue I can pick at without venturing outside my expertise is that, particularly in the latter half of the chapter you've left in a space between quotation marks and the first words after them.
Just to grab a random example, although honestly that just seems like something to double check in the next chapters, other than that it just seems to be a bit fast paced/sparse on the details, but that kind of thing is largely down to the reader.
Either way I hope you continue this and that you can make it worth the read!
Quite interesting. I look forward to the next chapter.
twilight: ragnarock
is this going to be a story where twilight makes a better kingdom away from equestia or one where she is a traveling warrior? either way im curios how this goes
10328064
maaaaaaaybe
Love the idea, and can't wait to see where it goes!
Pretty sure Twi will murder Celestia when she gets back.
You’re right, this does need some editing, but it’s your first story, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Maybe after you gain some experience, come back and sift this chapter for small mistakes?
Just a quick tip, to make it easier for the reader, maybe don’t put an extra space before the “”?
Love the idea though, definitely tracking and can’t wait for the next chapter, keep up the good work!
10328228
thanks been tryna polish it up while writing chapter 1, will take note of that and edit that in when chapter 1 comes out
You have my attention.
This looks promising. A bit rough but understandable as it's your first story. I'd recommend getting a proofreader or editor to help with polish. Regardless I'll keep an eye on this one.
Well, that's some serious summary judgement. Until given another plausible explanation, I'm going to assume this was Starlight's evil backup plan, enacted before she started time traveling to ensure Twilight got screwed over even if she lost. Debatable whether she still intended it to happen after she made peace with Twilight in the past, however.
Normally I wait for a story to have at least a few chapters before I track it but I'll make an exception on this story.
The idea for the story seems really good, though I would recommend trying to maybe say some of the lines out loud just to make sure it sounds right as some of the dialogue seems a tad choppy. Not criticism but a little trick that helped me pass English class.
10328262
thanks!
If what you present here to be true, you will have me for the story. Can't get enough Banishment AUs
An under used concept that I like. My advice though is to slow down a bit. This one chapter could have easily been stretched out to a good 4,000 words. Go into detail about the environment, or maybe go a bit into a couple of events that occurred in those days she was wandering the desert. Being banished from your home country so abruptly is bad enough, but also to such inhospitable conditions is sure to cause emotional trouble. The description for this story implies to me that she will either be bitter or outright refuse to return to equestra. Now is the time to start building that emotions upheaval. Maybe while wandering the desert she collapses and starts to cry, or after this first fight assuming she kills her opponent, she will probably have an emotional episode in her cell.
Just a few suggestions to stretch out the chapter length and add more depth to twilight and justify any anger with celestia later on.
So on a scale of 1 the utterly how fucked is Celastia
So assuming that Starlight i actually redeemed, she'd very likely try to inform Celestia that it wasn't Twilight that used the time travel magic. If that's the case, then why would Celestia and the rest wait a long time to try and bring Twilight back?
So is this gong to be every day?
And how large are the chapters going to be?
This looks really interesting. I hope this doesn't fall into the rush that traps a lot of stories like this. At least unless there is a timeskip.
10328364
I would imagine a timeskip will be coming at some point.... I don't find going through 40 or so chapters before it's found that she's innocent entertaining.... Maybe a few chapters taking place at various points in time?
It's an interesting premise, I must say. I agree that it feels a bit rushed, so maybe take some more words into explaining the environments, the events, etc. Also, I would recommend not using the present tense, speaking from personal experience. The thing with the present tense is that it becomes a hell of a work for you and—if you have one—your editor. The present tense is inherently unstable as it requires you to constantly describe things as they change, not to mention having to distinguish sentences that should use the present tense from the ones that should use the past tense.
10328372
to answer your question, a timeskip is imminent, and afterwards there'll be a few flashbacks. it all depends
Considering this is your first story? Dang that's a good start. In all honesty, though, I will probably not read past this first chapter as it is a bit rougher than I prefer. I do, however, want you to keep writing and grow as an author, because if this is any indication, then you could really go places.
If I were to offer advice for this story, it would be essentially what 10328281 said. Don't be afraid to take some time and have Twilight look at her surroundings, have the reality of her situation sink in. Spend some time with her traveling through the desert, what does she see and what is she thinking? How did she find Equestria so quickly?
What about the pit fight, would Twilight really be so quick to try and kill another pony, which goes against all of her ideals? And would the runner of said fights be so quick to risk his newest prize? Maybe start her off with some animal fights, show her descent as she learns to see her opponent as a mere obstacle instead of a living being.
I do realize that this is a lot, especially for a new writer, but these are things a reader wonders. I don't expect you to do a complete rewrite or anything, but just some stuff to think about as you continue onward. Also, if you're serious about writing, I would highly recommend checking out Viking ZX's blog posts titled Being a Better Writer. They are an amazing collection of resources and really well put together. Hope at least something here helps, and have a good one mate.
10328395
That is.... Essentially the most popular way of implementing my theory in a way that makes narrative sense.
10328401
thanks for the advice, prologue is undergoing rewrite but the main things will be there still.
10328281
thanks. will implement your suggestions.
I want more !!!
I see that avatar and am thinking of a different author here.
10328372
Yeah I forgot about the opposite too. Going way too slow is the other pacing problem with these types of stories. Still it is really annoying without the timeskip having the characters start out with no skills and then suddenly they become the ultimate survivors as if they grinded out 72 levels in less than 2 hours.
Story edited. If you read the old version, I'd suggest that you read the new version to see what I've added to Twilight's story.
10328610
It works.
Hope Celestia pays dearly for not even hearing her out and I hope twi managed to make a kingdom for her own
Plus I Hope ever since her exile ponies have been scorning starlight and refused to let her stay in the castle since she was responsible
Or even give her the punishment they gave twi since she was responsible
I hope twilight takes revenge on Starlight and Celes
10328313
Maybe they had been searching but had no idea where she was now
Pacing could use some work but otherwise it's an interesting concept. You had my curiosity, now you have my attention.
The story already featured? I expect great things here. Of course, I'm not going to read now! I'm going to toss this story into the Que folder. The folder I toss stories into and wait for more chapters.
10328658
Damn it. Now I want to read the story even more now even though I'm saving it until there are more chapters.
Imma go find another story before I read more comments
It's very good to set down your premise quickly. Well done.
Ohhh, can't wait until we reach the line of "I don't believe in the magic of friendship" shocker in this story. Wherever that may be. Good luck with this, there are so few stories that pull off the amount of character development necessary to show the great contrast.
Though I will wait until this is complete to start, maybe this will be interesting.
Update:Currently rewriting chapter 1, not the prologue, so the release will be delayed for a while. Don't worry,I'm almost done. Latest by tomorrow it'll be released :)
This has potential, if it slowed down a mite.
Really, slow it down. Twilight was banished, the forced to fight, then forced to kill all in the same chapter of less than 3000 words. It's too much too quick. Pace yourself and allow the readers to slowly enter the world you're creating and it'll make it much easier for them to follow.
For your first story this is dam good like holy crap I can't wait for more. I do have to say you might want to slow down with your pacing a little be a bit more descriptive on how Twilight is thinking in that moment
this is an interesting concept, it has potential and I can't wait to see how it progresses, however I would say that your writing style needs some work
this snippet is one example, I'm not knowledgeable enough in writing myself to be able to comment on specifics, but the execution (in the figurative sense) of how the Minotaur got stabbed seems a little...jarring? there's no way to indicate that he's been stabbed in the moment like a sound of the knife entering his chest (a stab isn't silent), or that Twilight was actually the one to do it (For example you could say that Twilight blindly thrust forward with her magic on reflex). from the readers perspective it comes across as if the knife just suddenly appears in his chest with no real cause until twilight begins to freak out.
one thing you could do in an effort to improve, particularly fight scenes, is to watch and study fight scenes from different films and such on youtube, and then make an exercise of transcribing them as if you were writing it as part of a story, you'd be surprised at how much it can take to describe a scene that might only take a few seconds played out in real time. here's a couple of examples to get the ball rolling.
I don't have the time or energy to be able to be an editor else I'd gladly offer my help long term, but my biggest piece of advice would be to seek out a group focused around editors, there's bound to be at least someone willing to lend you a hand in polishing this up