Terra is Ponyville's carpenter, a master of woodworking. He is also next door neighbors with his crush, Twilight Sparkle, who is in the midst of a abusive relationship with a stallion named Sour Grapes. Even though Terra would like nothing more than to fix this, he can't.
Until one night...
OCxTwilight, first attempt at a short-fic. Constructive criticism is appreciated!
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It`s painfully obvious "Terra" is just a stand-in for author. Nopony likes Gary Stus.
Having not read it, you might want to add OC to character tags based on the summary.
It's very difficult to tell when one paragraph ends and the next begins. You should have some way of making this more clear, whether it's putting an empty line between paragraphs, or indenting at the beginning of each sentence, or both.
Words like lavender, coltfriend, him, solar plexus, jackass, and white noise don't need to be capitalised. They aren't proper nouns.
You're making reference to things that make sense in the real world, but seem out of place in Equestria. MMA? The Hulk? Ambulances? It just takes the reader out of the story in my opinion.
The spelling and grammar wasn't all that bad, aside from what I pointed out.
Now, let's move onto story. Right off the bat, you're writing a fic where an OC starts a relationship with one of the mane six, which is one of the most unoriginal storylines ever. I've seen it done well, but this isn't done well.
First of all, your character seems to be what's known as a Gary Stu. He's not the worst I've seen, but a former royal guard who falls in love with Twilight, and she ends up loving him back in less than 4000 words is not the kind of pony I want to read about. Honestly, I think he's just supposed to be you in pony form.
Second, I have issues with the whole beating Twilight thing. Honestly, I think it's really out of character for Twilight not to react to being hit. She's the most powerful non-alicorn we've seen so far, and she's known to overreact and have a bit of a temper. I'm surprised she didn't just blast him into the middle of next week. Besides that, he hit her in front of everypony at Pinkie's party. I'm pretty sure somepony like Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy would intervene.
Third, the story is pretty fast paced. I get you were going for a short fic, but I don't honestly think you can write a fic where a couple gets together, married, and has a child in ~3500 words. It would be better if it was stretched out over several chapters. I just find time skips in the middle of chapters to be awkward and out of place.
Overall, it's not that great. The problems are mainly with the story, which isn't something you can change that easily, but by modifying your other problems would be a decent start. Ordinarily, I'd rate this down, but I'll refrain from rating it at all, seeing as it already has several downvotes.
To all so far posted,
Thanks for the advice. I am working on a larger fic (multiple chapters), and plan to get that out in a couple weeks, and while writing, I'll take some of this advice into account.
I know I didn't do this very well, I really have problems with capitalization, and I wrote this in the span of a couple days. Kind of on a whim.
Anywho, thanks for the advice!
I would really like to see a followup of the foals life. Secondly, i just got my D'aawww moment.
Uh-oh, I see a problem right off the bat. You "OC x Twilight" shipping, yet you have no OC Tag. You should fix that.
Ugh, I knew this would happen, a million fics on here called ''Revelations'' now I have to change the title of my story.